This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from donkey ages ago to a nice round number in the scheme of things.
The 13th century includes the years 1301 to 1400.
The political landscape changes as the Hundred Years' War between France and England blows hot and cold as the two separate into French food lovers and Indian food lovers. The Golden Horde loses its foothold in Eastern Europe and gets the boot in China, though Timur the Lame (Tamerlane) would begin a resurgence later in the century.
The century is marked by the Black Death, dancing epidemics and insanity in kings in Europe, while saddle sores would finally catch up to Mongol soldiers. It will get people thinking about good medical plans and seeking high-paying jobs as gravediggers.
Chronicle of events
1301 to 1310
“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
- 1301 – Scottish philosopher Duns Scotus refutes St. Thomas Aquinas's estimation of how many angels can dance on a pin head. The answer is 1,000,000 give or take two
- 1302 – The Bishop of Utrecht Willem II Berthout dies in battle by being struck by lightning several times after being tripped by angels and shot full of arrows by cherubs and gored by a unicorn.
- 1302 – Count Robert of Artois is killed in battle by Flemish peasants drinking Duvel.
- 1302 – The burning of witches becomes a favorite past-time throughout many European nations.
- 1303 – Pope Boniface VIII and King Philip IV of France face off on QI. Boniface is completely pwned by Philip on the subject of Roman numerals.
- 1303 – Swiss national hero William Tell tests his theory of gravity by placing an Apple Computer on his son's head. He fails but goes on to kill a lot of bad mother Habsburgs.
- 1304 – King Edward I of England captures Stirling Castle. He does it single-handed. With only a sharpened toothpick. And blindfolded. And in less than 3 minutes.
- 1305 – Scottish rebel William Wallace is taken prisoner by the English. They find they have instead captured a drunken foulmouthed out-of-control religious fanatic from a place called Australia. They execute him anyway. Wombats cheer the news.
- 1306 – Robert the Bruce (son of Robert de Bruiser) becomes king of Scotland and immediately goes out and loses the Battle of Methven. Surprisingly, he turns his army out in chivalric combat style and gets mowed down by English guerilla warfare tactics.
- 1307 – French King Philip IV swoops in and has the leaders of the Knights Templar arrested on suspicion of having weapons of mass destruction. Pope Clement V announces that miraculously, Clement's and Philip's debts have disappeared. Many Templars are burnt at the stake for heresy and the rest go into hiding in a flat over Dan Brown's garage.
- 1307 – Külüg Khan becomes Great Khan and emperor of China after defeating Temür Khan with a rousing game of rock-paper- scissors-knife to the chest.
- 1308 – The Knights of St. John capture the island of Rhodes disguised as ambulances.
- 1308 – King Albert of Germany is stabbed to death by his nephew John. The latter was upset with his birthday present given to him by Albert (it was a cheap sword) so slew his uncle in anger.
- 1309 – Pope Clement V excommunicates Venice because of its aggressive pigeons.
- 1310 – Shoes are now made for left and right feet. However, most people would not learn left from right until years hence.
1311 to 1320
“In time, the suffering of your people will persuade you to see our point of view.”
- 1312 – The Knights Templar disband and sail to Antarctica. They evolve into penguins, a much higher life form than medieval Europeans.
- 1312 – Kelloggs Frosted Flakes is invented in Hungary only to be consumed by its new King Louis I of Hungary Again.
- 1312 – King Arthur finds the Holy Grail. He is disappointed that it is only a cup.
- 1314 – The Templars' Last Grand Master Flash  Jacques 'Tati' de Molay is burnt in Paris by order of the French King. Jacques' last words were a mime of 'Je ne regrette rien'.
- 1314 – Battle of Bannockburn. Stubborn Scots and English knock each other about for two days. Tempestuous English King Edward II criticizes many of his nobles for cowardice whilst they are actually being cautious. Being chivalrous as all get out, each noble then charges in individually to prove his mettle and gets axed or speared for his show-and-tell. Disturbed to see their leaders gone, the morale of the English army melts away with aggressive Scots attacking them with pikes or large salmon. Retreat turns into rout, clogging the M74.
- 1314 – King Philip IV of France's attempt at bare back boar wrestling goes wrong.The hairy beast wins (not the king).
- 1315 – Enguerrand de Marigny is hanged for sorcery after pranking the king with the classic pull-my-finger gag.
- 1316 – Death of King Louis X of France. Known as the Angry Frog, Louis had his first wife murdered for having it off with an onion seller outside Paris. He is succeeded by the pregnant stomach of his second wife.
- 1316 – Election of Jacques Duèze as Pope John XXII. Looking old and frail with a hacking cough, Jacques asks the cardinals to 'make a sick old man happy for a few weeks before I see Jesus'. They elect him. Once he is proclaimed pope, John XXII is like a man re-born and lives on for another 20 years.
- 1316 – King Jean I of France is born. He is proclaimed king, baptised, crowned, washed, scrubbed and then dies after four days. What a life.
- 1318 – Berwick-on-Twee is captured by the Scots who say it was a 'dainty, quaint occupation'. Even its residents don't get very excited about their new overlords.
- 1320 – Red Bull is first brewed by Austrian Benedictines. The energy drink increases work created in a scripitorium from two fully illustrated bibles a year to six.
1321 to 1330
“It made the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs.”
- 1321 – Death of Dante. Now the old misery can find his Beatrice and inspire Dan Brown to write a trash novel.
- 1321 – Pope John XXII receives a mysterious letter from Prester John, king of a Christian kingdom located somewhere in Asia. That ruler offers help to take back Jerusalem and the holy places from the Turks, all for just 10,000 gold pieces. A wary pope sends a reply asking the sender if he could identify himself as a true Christian by naming the Son of God and if he could also provide a reference. The pope is delighted when he receives the reply 'Jesus Christ!! U mother fugger! Send the cash.', clear confirmation that John is Christian and knows banker Jakob Fugger's mother Ulrika. The monies are duly sent by caravan to Prester John, then on pilgrimage in Nigeria.
- 1323 – Madonna writes I'm Just a Medieval Girl, Living in a Medieval World on a gondola in Venice.
- 1323 – Stabbing another player becomes a red card offence in football for the first time.
- 1325 – Tenochtitlan is founded on the site of a bird eating a snake whilst sitting on a plant. Works for me.
- 1326 – Large cannons begin commonly appearing in China. Meticulously handcrafted cannonballs need to be made for them, with all six made to date used in the siege of Xanadu. Europeans would have cannons at about the same time, using the wheeled weapons to ram castle doors until they finally discover the instruction books that come with them.
- 1327 – King Edward II of England plays poker and loses his arse.
- 1328 – Holy Roman Emperor Louis IV arrives in Rome with an army. He wants a full blown imperial coronation by Pope John XXII. The pontiff stays in Avignon so the coronation of Louis is carried out by the Italian mobster Don Scarface ('Sciarra') Colonna instead. Louis declares Pope John a heretic and enthrones a supporter as Pope Nicholas V.
- 1328 – William of Ockham is forced to flee Avignon, leaving his razor behind.
- 1329 – The bus stop is invented in Hailsham, East Sussex.
- 1329 – Pope Nicholas V presides over the trial of Pope John XXII in Pisa. Pope John is again a 'no-show' but Nicholas produces a straw effigy in the likeness of his rival to stand trial. Straw Pope John is found guilty, taken outside and burnt by the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
- 1330 – Sweden is built by evil pixies from chocotopia.
- 1330 – Brock catches his first geodude.
- 1330 – Deserted by Emperor Louis IV, Pope Nicholas surrenders to Pope John XXII. He is declared an anti-pope and stripped of all his vestments down to his willy warmer. Nicholas is locked in a room and forced to watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians on an endless loop. He dies after three years.
1331 to 1340
“I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”
- 1331 – The Russ get an early start and begin meddling with tribal chief elections in the Americas.
- 1332 – The Dodge ball Massacre of 1332 occurs.
- 1335 – Norway is created to spite Sweden.
- 1336 – The bus stop is banned. Queued up all this time for nothing, it seems.
- 1336 – The race of dodos become extinct. However many theorists believe that if you were to take a dodo into the year of 1337, the race would repopulate.
- 1337 – The Great ESPN Drought is felt substantially throughout the world.
- 1337 – The Ninja Pirate War begins. This war will conclude at the end of the end of the universe.
- 1337 – Queen Nefertiti of Egypt vanishes from the historical record. She is presumed to be curb stomped to death by Samuel L. Jackson and Chuck Norris. New evidence suggests that she lost a staring competition against a lolcat and was thus forced into exile and is currently in LA under a new identity.
- 1337 – Teh f1rst 1337s + n00bs start to arrive in Teh Interwebz.
- 1340 – King Edward III of England is proclaimed king of France, much to the surprise of France. In the Battle of Sluys, the French fleet is destroyed, much to the surprise of the English as they think this is a land battle. Both sides predict a quick victory. Naturally, this would all end up into becoming the Hundred Years' War.
1341 to 1350
“It's a trap!”
- 1341 – Petrarch becomes poet laureate. His 1400 stanza poem about his cat is not well received so he climbs up Mount Ventoux to hide from angry torch-carrying Romans.
- 1345 – Fullers and weavers take different sides in Ghent and battle in the streets while sweater girls and sheep remain neutral.
- 1346 – Battle of Crécy. English longbow archers beat French knights once again. French King Philip VI has déjà vu all over again.
- 1346 – Scotland experiences its first summer day without rain or snow. The government advises everyone to stay indoors.
- 1346 – Bavarian Emperor Louis IV gives Holland and Zeeland to his wife Margaretha. People hold their breath to see what she would get for Christmas.
- 1346 – Charles IV becomes King of the Romans in opposition to Holy Roman Emperor Louis IV in exchange for being a sellout to Pope Clement VI.
- 1348 – The Order of the Garter is created from a wardrobe malfunction. Thank God for sturdy medieval underdrawers.
- 1348 – Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church comes out of the closet.
- 1348 – The Black Death arrives in London, takes the Tower tour, has its picture painted on London Bridge and takes in a show in the West End.
- 1349 – Rioters in German cities kill Jews, blaming them for the plague. The Black Death takes the opportunity to spread itself among the crowds before going to Bavaria for a ski weekend.
- 1349 – Black Metal plague enters Norway. Quorthon has a good day.
- 1350 – The Black Death declared to be officially over. Everyone can come out and kiss each other again. The plague returns 1360–1363; 1374; 1400; 1438–1439; 1456–1457; 1464–1466; 1481–1485; 1500–1503; 1518–1531; 1544–1548; 1563–1566; 1573–1588; 1596–1599; 1602–1611; 1623–1640; 1644–1654; and 1664–1667. Oh.
1351 to 1360
“Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!”
- 1351 – First international Rugby Union match between France and England. Known as the Battle of the Thirties, two sides with 30 players a side attack each other with swords, knives, axes and big balls on chains. The French claim victory, having only six dead compared to the nine Englishmen who perished that day. A replay is requested and agreed but with only 15 a side to make it easier to follow the game.
- 1354 – The Turks take Gallipoli from the Greeks. First time Europeans experience genuine kebabs.
- 1355 – The St. Scholastica Day Riot in Oxford occurs when a student orders the cheapest beer possible, Budweiser. He actually drinks it and then complains, starting a battle with the barkeep and townspeople. It is unknown if the student dies from fighting or from the so-called beer.
- 1356 – Battle of Poitiers. The English send a 50 foot tall Sidney Poitier to fight the French 18 meter tall anti-Sidney Poitier. They both disappear in a brilliant flash once they touch swords. So once again, it comes down to English longbow archers, though it is disputed today whether their arrows were effective against heavy armor except to deliver a pleasing thunk. Nonetheless, their arrows work a treat on French cavalry horses and unarmored foot soldiers. It is another resounding English victory. French King Jean II the Good Hostage is taken prisoner by the Knight Formerly Known as the Black Prince.
- 1356 – King Peter of Castile goes to war against King Peter of Aragon. The former acquires the nicknames Peter the Cruel and Peter the Just, but most historians compromise and call him Just Cruel..]]
- 1356 – Publication (by marked copies) of 'The Golden Bullshit' by Holy Roman Emperor Charles IV. Only seven people can now vote in the entire empire when it comes to an election for a new ruler. This was to stop rampant voter fraud by peasants. The Republican Party takes note.
- 1357 – Charles V of France issues a protection order covering the Jews of Strasbourg. Many die of shock.
- 1357 – Holy Roman Emperor Charles IV orders the rebuilding of Prague to make it more of an attractive venue for stag parties from England. In exchange Charles will send his daughter Anne to London as a royal exchange student for the future King Richard II to marry.
- 1358 – Étienne Marcel ('Marcel Le Wave') leads the first 'Gilet Jaunes' (Yellow Jackets) rebellion in France against the elites. With his distinctive hairstyle, Marcel and his ally King Charles the Bad of Navarre at first do well but the rebellion is broken when the French Riot Knights suppress the rebels with laughing gas. Marcel dies and his hairstyle is banned for the next six hundred years. Charles escapes to become even more badder and madder (see entry for 1387).
- 1360 – French forces attack Winchelsea on the English coast in an attempt to rescue King Jean II the Good Distance Away.
- 1360 – French Dauphin Charles V finally raises enough cash and signs the Treaty of Brétigny to ransom dear old Dad and to concede a chunk of France back to the English. In this era, a treaty really means time to re-arm and time to retax the peasants to pay for it.
1361 to 1370
“Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”
- 1362 – Bands of bandits harass towns in France, keeping townspeople up all night with their drumming and marching.
- 1362 – Nawruz Beg, bronie and big fan of Bow Tie, takes control of the Mongol Blue Horde because the color matches his tent.
- 1363 – Battle of Lake Poyang. Chinese rebel groups fight a ship battle using fire bombs, fire grenades, fire lances, fire guns and fire arrows. Disney hires the survivors to re-enact the battle every night for their Disneyland theme parks.
- 1365 – The Ava dynasty is founded in Burma, as remote as possible to avoid Frank Sinatra.
- 1365 – The University of Vienna is founded. The only course available is 'How to make a Sacher torte'.
- 1367 – Battle of Nájera. England and France back different sides in the Castilian civil war after arguments over the unauthorised launching of HMS Floaty McBoatface.
- 1368 – Timur the Lame (Tamerlane) rises in power by being nice to people. What is perceived as ruthlessness turns out to be from Timur missing those first 3-4 cups of coffee in the morning.
- 1369 – King Peter the Cruel of Castile is killed by his half-bastard brother Henry who stabs him in the face. So who was the more cruel?
- 1369 – Byzantine Emperor John V is jailed for trying to cash dud travellers' cheques in Venice. John's new friend Pope Urban V supplies bail but first the Greek must 'go Catholic' to stay out of prison. John agrees and then high tails it out of Italy.
- 1370 – Battle of Rudau. Teutonic Knights continue to attack pagan Lithuania in order to baptise them whilst they are dead. Lithuanians launch a retaliatory strike but fail due to a lack of metallic clothing.
1371 to 1380
“Never tell me the odds.”
- 1371 – Robert II becomes king of Scotland. He tolerates English residents and their castles in the country despite their eldritch and foreign ways and their strange foods.
- 1373 – Teh start of the dyslexic 1337 era.
- 1374 – A dancing epidemic occurs in Aachen, Germany where residents dance endlessly until they drop dead from exhaustion. Rave clubs are built but the outbreak disappears soon after, leaving the region with a surplus of energy drinks and ecstasy.
- 1376 – The so-called Good Parliament in England occurs when the master at arms loses the door keys and members are unable to get in. In the meantime, rats inside the building pass important legislation. They authorise the Privy council to buy a mop and bucket, discuss enabling Salic law and settle on replacements for several king's councillors. They are able to do this without raising new taxes. This done, the rats go back to normal business and piss all over the benches and floors.
- 1376 – Death of England's only cool dude. The Black Prince meets his maker.
- 1377 – Pope Gregory XI denounces critic John Wycliffe who had earlier suggested replacing him with a newt.
- 1377 – King Edward III of England dies. His last words are 'is the Hundred Years' War finished yet?'
- 1378 – Newly elected Pope Urban VI is declared a bad one by cardinals, ironically being just the fellow about which John Wycliffe warned. After being on his high horse for months, Urban falls off a mule but fails to excommunicate the mule before dying.
- 1378 - King of the Romans Wenzel (or Wenceslas to the Czechs) becomes Holy Roman Emperor aged 17. He is granted full access to his father's drinks cabinet.
- 1380 – The Great Person War takes place around this year and is won by that person.
- 1380 – French King Charles IV proclaims there will be no more taxes in perpetuity. While celebrating, peasants recall that their king was already deemed insane.
1381 to 1390
“Aren't you a little short to be a stormtrooper?”
- 1381 – The Peasant's Revolt rolls through England ignited by a tax collector trying to collect a poll tax levied by Lady Margaret of Thatcher. Thousands of armed peasants march on London to air their grievances to King Richard II who, with the bravado and the squeaky voice of the 14 year old he is, agrees to meet them in person. Peasant leader Wat Tyler is pulled off his horse and killed by the mayor of London, followed by the audible click of the king's eyeroll heard by all. Richard deftly defuses the situation by leading the mob away from the scene and grants pardons to all but the leaders. His charisma works a treat, though his successor Richard III would later find at Bosworth Field that it only works with humans and not horses.
- 1382 – As predicted by pundits , rioting ensues in Paris and elsewhere over taxes needed to support the Hundred Years' War.
- 1382 – John Wycliffe publishes his English translation of The Bible. Doubts about its authenticity are aired as regards the inclusion of 'The Book of the Fugees' and 'The Book of the Score'.
- 1383 – Civil war begins in Portugal when there is no heir to the royal line and nobles try to rule by putting a dried codfish on the throne.
- 1384 – Chinese Emperor Dong judges a case where paper money is torn up by a couple fighting over them, a crime normally punishable by death. He pardons both but pockets the torn tenners as he and only a few courtiers know about the secret existence of Sellotape.
- 1386 – The Treaty of Windsor is signed between England and Portugal. It would be longest-lasting treaty of all time, probably because both parties forgot about it soon after.
- 1386 – King Charles III of Naples and Hungary is assassinated in both countries at exactly the same time.
- 1387 – Fifty years after its outbreak, the 100 Years War comes to a close, resulting in the complete annexation of France by the King of England. The creation of fish & chips would be the one lasting achievement of the union. After about half an hour, the nations would argue about whether malt vinegar is appropriate on food, and the war is reignited.
- 1387 – Death of King Charles the Really Bad of Navarre in a bizarre sex games accident. He dies dressed up like a candle when a tipsy courtesan mishears Charles's command 'to burn my dick'. Clumsy!
- 1388 – Battle of Näfels. Forces of the Swiss Confederation leave flaming bags of poo on Austrian doorsteps. Angry Austrians pursue them but slip and fall on icy sidewalks.
- 1389 – Cheese is invented. This causes many riots, and cows protest. The cow protest eventually turns into an entire farmyard animal brawl. Thus cheese is banned in several countries until the Great Dairy War of 1477.
- 1389 – The Dark Ages finally end when somebody flicks the light switch to ON.
- 1390 – Teutonic Knights roam aimlessly around Lithuania trying to kill pagans. They have been tricked by the Lithuanians who have converted to Christianity.
1391 to 1400
“I am altering the deal. Pray I do not alter it further.”
- 1391 – King Tvrtko I of Bosnia nearly succeeds in bringing the 101 Dalmations to heel before dying in this year.
- 1392 – Charles VI of France's mental problems take center stage. While wisely earlier giving much power to his courtiers, he would shout 'King's X!!' and try to retake power when he imagined he was king of France (again). Other times he exhibits the same erratic behaviour of George W. Bush (US) and Donald Trump (US) much later. At one point, advisors have the entrances to his residence bricked up so he could not escape, as done in recent times with James Callaghan (UK) and Dick Cheney (US).
- 1394 – Jews are expelled from France, called back and then apparently expelled again two weeks later.
- 1394 – Death of Queen Anne of England. Known as 'The Bohemian Hippy' as she was born in Prague, Anne's palace in Richmond, Surrey is demolished by police in a vigorous drugs search.
- 1395 – The Persian Poet Hafiz writes very little at this time, as he has been dead since 1379.
- 1397 – Geoffrey Chaucer tellef hyf Canterburey Talef tew memmberf offe thie Ingleiche courtt.
- 1397 – The Union of Kalmar is signed by Denmark, Sweden and Norway where calamari is to be shared equally.
- 1398 – Timur the Lame (Tamerlane) invades India since he has yet to kill any Hindus.
- 1399 – Richard II is deposed by Duke Henry of Lancaster. He is also known as 'Boiling Broke' as he is angry and hard up. Henry becomes King Henry IV (Part 1). He is no longer poor.
- 1400 – Ex-King Richard starves himself to death so he can wear that suit he liked so much again. Silly sod.
- 1400 – Owain Glyndŵr gets into a row with English Lord Grey over horses. Owain declares Welsh independence and keeps all the slates and coal for himself.
- 1400 – Holy Roman Emperor Wenzel is declared 'deposed' by the 'Electors'. Count Rupert, the 'Palpatine of the Rhineland', abandons his studies at Eton College to become the new ruler of Germany. Wenzel is sacked for being a 'drunken do-nothing' which is actually a compliment. Wenzel (as King Wenceslas) stays in Bohemia's famous Budweiser Budovar Brewery to carry on drinking.
- 1400 – Byzantine emperor Manuel II visits England on a charity mission to raise funds for his sick empire. He is mistaken for a waiter by King Henry IV and ordered to bring in the stuffed swan. The error is later rectified with a Christmas jousting party.
- Alhazred, Abdul. Necronomicon pg. 355.
- ibid. pg. 221.
- ibid. pg. 488.
- Clement V. Leave My Hat Alone, papal declaration (1309).
- Mallory, Sir Thomas. Morty and Arthur, passim (1044).
- Without his Furious Five.
- Scottish Board of Tourism. A Traditional Weegie Welcome to Ya (1310).
- Necronomicon ppg. 672-3.
- Prester John. Terms of sale and refund policy (1322). Retrieved 8 May 1431.
- Acamapichtli. Tenochtitlan Building Code (1325).
- Barton, Clara. Practical first aid, pg.46 (1866).
- led by Francis the Black. Surfer Rosa, 4AD (1988).
- I see England / I see France. Petrarch. Il Canzoniere (1372).
- Petrarch. Posso avere cheezburger (1341).
- Kerrang pg. 55 (October 1349).
- Coors, Adolph. Toilet to tap recycling (1879).
- Encyclopedia Tyrannica vol. 12 ppg. 176-8 (1963 ed.)
- One can presume being known as 'the cruel' rather than just 'the bad' like Peter's contemporary King Charles the Bad of Navarre indicates that this Peter was way worse than even than a 'bad man'
- Since most monarches were bad anyway, Charles the Bad of Navarre set a new record for this adverb to be part of his official name.
- Murray, Arthur. Boogie, Dubstep and Beyond Pocket Books (1527).
- Say, Captain. Say Wat? Capt. Sensible. History of the Middle Ages vol. 5, pg. 36 (1922).
- Uncyclopedia, passim.
- Unknown. 'Tin hats gets me the chicks' Esquire magazine, pg. 45 (November 1388).
- Necronomicon pg. 666.
- ibid. pg. 1337.
- ibid. pg. 771.
- ibid. pg. 7734.
- Jones, Tom. It's not unusual Miners Publishing (1732).
- Now reduced to Constantinope,a few beach huts in Greece and a change of clothes for the emperor,