Eton College

Eton School for Banter and Buggery

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“I had great fun at Eton, then I invented a machine that could roll 18 spliffs a second... The rest is a bit blurry.”

~ David Cameron

Eton School for Twatcraft and Toffery is a public school somewhere in the south of England. It's highly secretive and inbred council select special children at a young age to be educated to the highest standards available. Later in life these Etonites are forced into important political positions where they can control undesirables by the guidelines of their forebears, and generally be the tough, unpalatable and repulsive crust on the 70's leftover dessert which is conservativism in Britain. Eton's students can be categorised in the following ways:

• Clones, ie David Cameron
• Mutants, ie Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall
• Boris Johnson (Thus far the only known model)

Eton School or College

Basically the most awesome public school this side of the horsehead nebula. 'Nuff said.

The school boasts its own private army, that have been used in Iraq & Afghanistan.

Eton is near Windsor, where the Queen does most of her knitting, and the Duke of Edinburgh can be regularly seen mowing the lawns. The pupils keep in line largely to avoid having to have a conversation with the Queen or the Duke. Conversations with old people such as the Queen are known to cause death by lethal snoring and coma, not to mention lethal corgi bites.

History

Eton was first opened in 1440, having previously been a Bakery (it was originally called Eaten), and prior to that a dairy farm.

It is very popular with English boys, and so every Friday they eat Fish & Chips.

The reasons behind the ridiculous penguin suits are blurry. The most we mere mortals can gather (Etonians being immortal, superhuman and all-knowing) is that they are leftover chemical/biological protection suits from the short, but lethal war on Slough.

The war on Slough

"Not bovvered" - A spokesperson for the "chav" community.

There have been many wars on Slough since 1440, no one quite knows how many, but most scholars agree that it is between 5 and 39.6. The most famous of these was the "Chav-fest" of 1879, in which 376 brave etonians volunteered to go undercover in order to find out more about Slough....ians. Unfortunately, they decided that they rather liked it and on of them had 2 for 1 vouchers for Burberry, so they defected and formed the new breed known today as the "Chav". The experiment has not been repeated.

Famous Students

Include: Pope John Paul II, Jimmeh Bond, Kurt Cobain, Charley 'boy' Windsor, Bob Marley, Val Doonican, David Cameron, Mahatma Ghandi, Boris Johnson, Dr Who, Ned Kelly, Marilyn Manson, Kim Jong Il, 50 Cent, Lars Ulrich, Harry Potter and Orgasma bin Laden (now Osama bin Laden, Lord Snooty, You, Just William, The Boys From The Famous Five, Adolf 'Adi The Bender' Hitler, Chico, Harpo, Groucho, Gummo, Zeppo Marx (who all got better grades and wear more popular then that Hitler Boy), Lord Voldermort, The Master, Harry Flashman, and, oddly enough, Hugh Laurie but not Stephen Fry.

Infamous Students

Britney Spears (who was expelled refusing to sleep with all the other inmates. She slept with all but one, Ghandi, whom she refused when she found that he drank his own piss).

The Eton Rope Song

The college sing the Eton Rope song on special occaisions such as haloween, armastice day, and Ronald McDonald Week.

The song celebrates the hanging of slaves in Alabamba, and Teexus, and was written by George W Bush, as a gift to the college, for keeping it mainly white.

More recently, however, it has come to be associated with the Darwinistic craze of asphixiated masturbation which swept through Eton in the late 90s, and still remains to this day

Traditions

• Oxbow Lake: A method of brainwashing in use since the 1960s.
• Penguin Racing: An embedded tradition. Thought to date back to a time when it was utterly normal and even encouraged. Also performed upon entrance to the school.
• Egging Slough: In a daring night-time raid all 1234 boys descend upon Slough and proceed to egg the city. This year casualties were at an all time low with the worst injury being a ruined hairdo.
• Shooting the Scumbags: In which the pupils empark on horseback across the country wielding shotguns to be fired at the proles.
• Eton Rifles: A tradition that harks back to 1977 this involves acting like your are from the street and thinking your well hard.
• Coke: The use of copious amounts of Cocaine is a right of passage at Eton. Best enjoyed off the back of a fag.
• Elton: This is a sister school where Etonian students are sent if they choose to "leave the closet" at any time.

Etonian Circle Jerk: When the Etonaian's have a big game of soggy biscuit. They sprinkle thier jizz over a fruit and eat each others "Eton Mess"

College Facts

• Most students are there as a result of intensive inbreeding.
• School traditions include induction huffing week, Ransacking Windsor, under age drinking trips to Norway, and nanny fondling.
• Students must be able to yodel and perform as a lion tamer, to be enrolled.
• The school is the birthplace of terrorism.
• The school has a no smirking policy.
• The school also has a no anal virginity policy.
• At the end of lessons three boys are chosen at random and lead of to the Head Masters study, to perform the school bending ritual.
• All students are taught the dangers of women, and the safety of being with the chaps, and that dancing naked with them is nothing to be ashamed of.
• Drug experimentation is encouraged, with cocaine, and spliff's, available at the school tuck shop. LSD is provided during lessons, and all students must have a six month Heroin habit, before being allowed to leave.
• Gay sports lessons are mandatory, Chess is played naked, Cricket includes a special over called the bend over, & archery is replaced by arching.
• British Policemen stop by Eton to fill jails with deliquent students, the so-called "Eton Collars."
• All students are guaranteed top results, with teachers expected to sit the exams on their behalf in return for 'special favours'.
• It is one of the key education grounds for worshippers of Ra.
• Prince Harry & Prince William, never attended Eton, instead doubles went on their behalf, while they hatched a plan to get rid of 'the old lady'.
• David Cameron is one of the more recent 'celebrity' attendees leaving in 2002. He was well liked by his fellow students, as he was senior drugs dealer, however he suffered from mood swings and it is rumoured killed 2 students when he was in 'one of his fascist moods'.
• On the fourth of June every year etonians don flowery hats and parade in a naked cult way in front of swarms of girls from nearby correctional facilities who are looking for suitable husbands for a life of drug dealing and gun crime. Unfortunalty for them the etonians are only interested in 'bum chums' and so the girls are left to turn on each other. Parents stand by wearing barbers crossed with sunday best wiping a tear from their eye because they are so proud of their darling Gazza.