Drug mule

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This animal is clearly on the Limited Slip Differential

A Drug Mule (or Crack Donkey) is a horse, zebra or other equine which is given hard drugs, such as heroin or crack cocaine, in order to improve its performance in various equestrian sport disciplines. As horses and similar species generally have a larger bodily masses than humans, it takes a great deal more drugs to achieve noticable results. Generally, a dose of about 1.8-1.95kg of 'proper job' crack is enough to yield a respectable performace boost on the track; similarly, for recreational use, an administration of 2kg of LSD can give an average horse a decent trippin' sensation. Naturally, regularly administering these doses can be prohibitively expensive - so the hobby of owning a drug mule is only possible for the very rich. In recent times Bill Gates has made the news for practising the sport. Since the late 1990s, Drug Mule sports competitions have been becoming ever more popular. The most popular two are 'Drug Mule Racing' and 'Crack Donkey Dressage'. See the Sport section for more info.


This startling evidence shows that William the Conqueror may have exploited the obvious benefits of the Drug Mule, surely aiding his plight to take over the world.

The identity of the originator of Drug Muling has been a point of contention for decades. Many people think of Bill Gates, primarily because it was he who popularized the sport, making it the well-known hobby that it is today. However, like so many of his so-called 'innovations', recent evidence suggests that they may be the result of blatant plagiarisation. Intensive research has uncovered some startling evidence (right) leading to the theory that the pastime was invented by King John VIII, divine emperor of the Ancient Atlanteans, in 24 A.D. The Bayeux Tapestry clearly depicts such creatures being used to great effect in the 1066 Battle of Hastings.

Drug Mule Club[edit]

The Drug Mule Club (DMC), founded in 1978 by Bill Gates, is a club exclusively for owners of a drug mule. The club often holds drug mule rallies, races and dressage competitions. Each member of the club can have up to five registered drug mules (six if at least two are purebred donkeys); and these registered animals are given complementary LSD, in return for an annual membership fee in excess of $6 million USD.

Recommended Species[edit]

The following is a list of recommended types of species for druggin' up:

  • Donkey (the grey one) (Equus africanus asinus)
  • Zebra (the stripey bastard - for awesome swirly patterns) (Equus quagga)
  • Sarah Jessica Parker (for interesting results) (Equus parkerus)


Drug Mule sports are very popular in the underground world of Drug Muling. The two most popular sports are:

This is the sort of quantity of microdot pills that you will need for a donkey. Add approx. 1.8kg into its daily feed mixture.


Similar to standard horse racing, but with crack donkeys instead. Can make for some very interesting results.


Dressage is, I think, when you make a horse wear a dress. Clearly any self-respecting mule would not allow this, so the most common set of rules for this sport are as follows:

  • The mules line up on the start line
  • A fight breaks out
  • Huge quantities of salad dressing are sprayed at the animals to make them angry
  • Afterwards, the animal who has snorted the most ecstacy wins

See Also[edit]