First aid

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Tools of the trade.

“Don't overdo it!”

~ Kratos Aurion on First Aid

First Aid, not to be confused with lemonade, which is real medicine, is a term used for the treatment given to injured people before anyone who actually knows what they are doing turns up.

It is practised the world over by anyone who fancies having a go at it, usually using one of the commercially available "kits". Unfortunately, these tend to include only optional extras such as bandages, plasters and burn cream, but completely neglect some of the more important items.

In addition, the majority of information regarding the correct treatment of the sick and injured is closely guarded by the medical profession who wish to protect their livelihood. As such the man on the street should learn to ignore what snippets of information he may have gathered from television, and place his trust in the wisdom of Uncyclopedia to provide him with a guide for all he needs to know about the treatment of his sick or critically injured relatives.


Small children often fall in the school playground, and completely remove the skin from one or more knees and elbows. Commercial organisations selling first aid kits would have everyone believe that the correct way to treat a small cut is with a combination of sympathy, a brief clean up with warm water and a plaster. Note the plaster... In reality however the cut needs to be properly cleaned. Antiseptic or better still disinfectant should be applied in addition to a small amount of household salt which should be gently massaged into the area.

Larger cuts where there is a lot of beading can cause infection. To prevent problems as soon as the injury takes place run a bath at body temperature, and place the injured person into it. Try and encourage them to relax and fall asleep.

In the event of a nose bleed push down firmly on the chest.

Broken Bones[edit]

Bones can easily be broken by tripping, slipping, falling, or general stupidity. As you might expect the "hospital" recommends that you call them imminently so that they can take the patient away and encase them in plaster. This is of course another blatant attempt by the hospital to boost patient numbers and therefore profit for itself. In reality all a broken bones needs is rest. Keep them warm and comfortable. The body is robust and the bones will "re-set" into place over time. When the bones are healing it is important to keep the area mobile, and exercise it regularly.


These fall into two categories, burns and scalds. Commonly we are told that putting the burnt under cold water, or applying ice is the best treatment. However, secret documents leaked from black projects have relieved that high tech special forces now use frozen peas due to the miraculous healing power found in the peas.

Muscle Strains[edit]

Overuse of muscles can cause a number of injuries, ranging from "a bit of a twinge" to full blown span. Commonly these are treated by applying either a "deep heat" style spray, or a "freezing spray". Applying both together however will cause the region to be both super heated and super cooled rapidly, which will actually dramatically increase the recovery time of the injury. In reality muscle strains are largely in the mind, and "sufferers" should be encouraged to get back on their feet and walk that "twisted" ankle off as soon as possible.


When a person is choking, the air supply is restricted to the body, and death is only around the corner. Therefore is is vital that a nice cup of tea be given to the choker immediately. However, as there is probably something lodged in the throat, it is vital that once the mouth is full of tea, a large plunger is used to force the tea down into the stomach.

However if the chokee is an attractive member of the opposite sex however, the hymlich feel-up may be used. In this manoeuvre, the chokee is firmly grabbed from behind, and they you are allowed to get away with whatever you like for a brief period while you can convince everyone that you are trying to help.

If it's electric, make sure it's water.

Electric Shock[edit]

Electric shock can can happen anywhere in the home. If it does don't panic. Water is your friend. Electric is designed to avoid water (hence why the oceans are not electric) and so it can be easily controlled using a hosepipe or the correct type of water filled fire extinguisher.


Death is one of the more fatal injuries and as such is very difficult to deal with. If this happens to someone close to you and it was not your fault we recommend you call the hospital. If you suspect you may have caused their death it's probably because of your incorrect first aid methods. Now get out there and start practising before you hurt someone!

See also[edit]