Dante Alighieri

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Virgil holds Dante on first base during the annual "River Styx Softball Championship Game".

“Abandon all hope, ye who read this article.”

~ Dante Alighieri

Durante degli Alighieri, referred to as Dante (1265–1321), is the greatest Italian of all times after the inventor of Pizza, Signor Anonimo, and the one who first added Pepperoni on it, Signor Silvio Berlusconi. Inspired by his father, the famous explorer Marco Polo, Dante explored the far east looking for new types of Pasta, but ended up in Hell. His travel diary was later found and published as The Divine Comedy. Thankfully, he was found 5 days later, and when he died, he went to Heaven.

His life

At the middle of his life's way, he was in a dark forest. He was attacked by a panther, a lion, and a shewolf. He faced them easily, using his Dolce Stil Novo (Sweet New Style), a deadly Italian lyrical style that closely resembles Vogon Poetry. But then, he was attacked by a Grue. Luckily, his master Virgil was there to defend him using his 5 foot wide chode, the only known effective weapon against a Grue. Dante was so thankful that he promised Virgil he would follow him into hell, Virgil's last known residence. After a long trip full of adventure, feeling like a new man, he wrote La Vita Nuova (The New Life), his last poetry book. The book was dedicated to his beloved Beatrice. A few years later, Beatrice left him and decided to dedicate the rest of her eternal death to contemplate the Holy Rose. Angry Dante published the Divine Comedy as a vendetta, telling the world all the shameful things she used to do in hell back then. This action was severely punished by the ghibellini political faction, who conquered Florence from the guelfi, kicked Dante out, killed the pope, and declared Zork as the emperor of Italy. After that, Dante collaborated with Ludovico de Medici, for the writing of The Prince, an instruction book that explained to Machiavelli how to conquer Italy. And thanks for asking, but no, the American singer Prince has nothing to do with this.

The Divine Comedy

The Divine Comedy used to be divided into three parts, Inferno, Purgatory and Heaven. When the book was first published, it quickly became a huge success: everyone wanted to get news from their dead relatives and friends. However, nobody expected to find any known person in heaven or even in the purgatory, so the first two chapters vanished, just as Aristotle's book on Comedy and Umberto Eco's "The Name of the Rose". Readers were disappointed to discover that Hell only contained ancient philosophers, mythological creatures and corrupt popes. Nonetheless, they kept reading Hell for the enjoyable descriptions of ironic punishments and cruel tortures.

Readers were also surprised to see that the ninth circle of Hell was a freezing cold home for traitors, and not the burning love nest of Satan and Saddam, as pictured by Southpark's movie (Though, this would explain why in every Shabby Demonic Horror Film, the temperature plunges when the Devil is about to appear) . The only loving couple of the book, are Paolo and Francesca, two lame Italians, unheard of, who do not deserve to appear in an American movie not related to the mafia.

At the beginning of the twenty first century, many Creationists tried to find the lost chapter of Heaven, and so have scientific proof that Heaven isn't ruled by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. In spite of the million dollar reward that awaits the discoverer, the chapter remains lost.

Ironic Punishments

This are some of the most representative ironic punishments in Dante's Hell:

• Uncyclopedians being forced to vandalize their own user pages with gay porn.
• Steve Ballmer being forced to develop Linux, work for Google and bury himself.
• Ford drivers being forced to crash into themselves, binge on gasoline, and roll over repeatedly
• Stan Lee being forced to scrub floors at DC Comics' headquarters.
• Tom Cruise being attacked by jumping, sentient couches as well as members of Anonymous.
• Bill Clinton being forced to author a dictionary where the only entry is the word "Is" repeated 4000 times.
• Andy Warhol being forced to paint a portrait of his hairpiece in 30 different colors, side-by-side.
• David Icke being forced to write a book that doesn't mention anything about reptilian humanoids, the Babylonian Brotherhood, the Illuminati, zionists, the Luciferic Consciousness, the Global Elite, mind-control or the Draco constellation.
• Don Imus being called a "mullet-headed ho" by a group of liberal, black radio talk show hosts
• Al Gore being forced to attempt to stop global warming in Hell.
• Bill Gates being forced to declare chap 11 after a competitor stole and published the source code for Windows
• Hipster douchebags being forced to order coffee using only one word - "coffee."
• David Lynch being forced to record all the above into a surrealist mystery film that actually makes sense.
• Steve Jobs being forced to design a computer that actually functions coherently and does not have a horde of snobs around it.
• Fred Phelps being forced to swallow the cum of all sodomites till the end of time. However, he kept on enjoying this despite swallowing all the undiluted man cheese of Barney the Dinosaur, so he was promptly booted back on to Earth, to the delight of masochists everywhere.
• Conservatives being forced to accept colored people.
• Snooki must spend eternity WITHOUT spray tans.
• Bill Maher listening to Rush Limbaugh while having his brain eaten by liberals.
• Rush Limbaugh denied food for eternity while having to listen to Bill Maher.
• Michael Moore having to spend all of eternity living in Hell's Wall Street on the ninth circle and listen to the endless yelling of demons who also beat him until he becomes nothing but shreds and them forms back into himself and then the process continues edlessly. he also can't eat food, and is forced to look at a hot dog that will always be a constant distance away from him, even when he tries to grab it-- it moves away from him.
• James Cameron forced to watch Avatar in 2-D, without any of the special effects that were added in post-production, on loop, without leaving an uncomfortable movie theater seat after drinking an extra-large Coca-Cola. This way, the terrible dialogue, uninteresting plot, and criminal acting grate on his soul. The soul regenerates during the ending credits each time, so he can continually take the abuse. Also, he is forced to watch the film with Arnold Schwarzenegger, who keeps telling Cameron how much he loves "Aba-dah."
• Similarly, Quentin Tarantino is forced to watch all of his films censored and re-edited so that the scenes are shown in chronological order and the plots actually have a semblance of reality.
• Dante himself DID go to hell, however, he dragged his girlfriend Beatrice and his buddy Virgil with him and enjoyed himself in a three-way that lasted 500 years until Satan just gave up and evicted them.

Related articles

• Seven Deadly Sins
• Miguel de Cervantes
• Faery Kingdom
• Virgil
• Inferno
• The Divine Comedy
• Juvenile