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Titian (above) as he painted himself, Titian (below) as he really was.

“I do enjoy a Titian”

~ Noel Coward on his artistic tastes

Titian also known as the Tizo (c. 1485 – May 25, 1576) was the best painter of the Italian Renaissance. He verified this numerous times each day with help from his Mother. Founder of the “I Was Famous Whilst I Was Alive Club” Titian used his notoriety as a Momma’s boy to distribute his works in strip clubs across Europe.

Famed for his expertise in painting nude (until his arrest in 1512 for indecent exposure), Titian's work can still be found in many of the world's leading boudoirs, particularly in his native Italy, and in France where they'll do anything for a chance to look at a naked chick.

Early Years[edit]

Titian, ever the perfectionist, leaves the lesser of the two breasts covered.
What a mess...
The Titians we all know and love. Even Mary Magdalene is showing some skin.

No one is sure of Titian’s birthday. His mother forgot it every year, so no one expects you to know it either. Titian, like most Italian prepubescent boys was obsessed with the naked female form. Often he would announce when entering a restaurant – “There are twenty-two pairs of breasts in this room, and fourteen and half of them are worth painting and suck my 1 mircometer long penis.”

Titian lived in Venice painting depictions of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, and other icons invoked by victims of violent crimes. When asked about his motivation to paint religious subjects Titian admitted that he hoped it might get him this |       | much closer to heaven.

Making Money[edit]

To the surprise of no one Titian snuck out at night to paint pornography. This paid his bills at the local whorehouse, haberdashery, and boulangerie. After a brief stint in jail for painting the Countess of Verona’s clitoris 1/16th larger than actual size Titian returned to work. By 1516 his rivals Giorgione and Bellini were both dead from Unknown Artist Disease leaving Titian in charge of his painting school.

Over the next few years Titian managed to establish a genre of naked classical goddesses which featured much of his best known works including Venus and the Organ-Player and Venus as a Boy. Unlike Michelangelo, Titian didn't like boys either as companions or subjects for painting unless he got a load of ducats for it. One such patron was Holy Roman Emperor Charles V.

The Confused Years[edit]

Titian became bored of painting naked females, and decided to apply his talent to other subjects. As you can see in the picture to the right; we have Jesus, an old guy in a red sash (?), and angel with a burning faggot (?), a gypsy (?), father time (?), Mary Magdalene (?), two angry stone lions (WTF), some lady carrying a cross (?), and a dude making off with your grandmother’s ashes (!).

People felt sorry for Titian, the consensus was that he lost his way. To be nice they named a color after him. It’s kind of a brownish orange color. Like that old blanket I have in the backseat of my VW. You know the one we used last summer after it got dark, and you were all like “I thought that was your favorite blanket” and I was like “It’s okay baby I’ll wash it later.”

At this time in history the Council of Trent was considered like the Super Bowl, the World Series and the Cricket World Cup all rolled into one. Catholics and their non-believing heretic slave boys showed up in droves to watch some serious bad ass counter reformationism in progress. Titian completed over six-hundred paintings and more than nine-hundred sketches in his lifetime, with two hundred of them self-commissioned for the sole purpose of buying tickets to watch Pope Paul III and Martin Luther argue about Protestantism.

In latter life he would become a firm friend of Pope Marcellus II, and in 1554 he was invited to decorate the Pope's Special Room. The two would go on to invent a primitive form of Poker.

Back to Business[edit]

After he finished experimenting, Titian returned to the kind of work he knew best, painting by numbers. Since most of Titian’s friends were working girls he worked hard to bring more awareness to the oldest profession, renaming them “courtesans”. In reality this just meant that now a handjob would cost you 50 denari. Thanks a lot Titian!

As Titian became older he had to have his helpers do the painting while he yelled at them. This was called artistic license. El Greco famously filled this role, tying the old man’s shoelaces, signing his own paintings with Titian’s signature, kidnapped a girl every night for him to have some fun with, and changing his adult diapers.

Titian’s most controversial painting was called Sacred and Profane Love. We can’t show you this painting here, but I will do my best to describe it. There are two chicks, one overweight guy, one of which is taking off her clothes and one of them is putting the guy's penis into her hairy ball-sac(those two are naked already). They've already decided that it's game on. Between them a cherub is bobbing for apples, unaware that it’s his lucky day.

One Side of Phone Conversation Concerning Previous Summation[edit]


“Yes, I wrote that. I didn’t feel that detail was important.”

“It didn’t look that cold. Wait, what’s a frieze?”

“Clearly her come hither look establishes that.”

“Yes, if someone is nude, and holding a candle I assume they’re going to use it for something other than illumination.”

“One tower is enough to make it a phallic symbol.”


Still Not Dead[edit]

Okay I get the horse being there, but where's the girl?

Despite several bouts of venereal disease, time spent in medieval prisons, and sixty(60) outbreaks of the plague AND Titian refused to die. Proving once again that working for God, and a healthy lust for the opposite sex can prolong anyone’s life. In his late nineties Titian could be still be seen propped up in clubs asking for more booze.

Titian’s last work entitled “Some Dude on a Horse” was received with little fanfare. Lacking the good parts, and the even better parts of his other paintings, it was relegated to an anterior wall of the Doge’s cloak room.

Finally Dead[edit]

Going senile in the last few years of his life, Titian said goodbye to his female dog Syphilis, his top ten favorite prostitutes, his favorite picture of naked females he painted, and his false teeth at age 99. While on his deathbed, his fans plundered his estate looking for more top notch pornography. Some things, Titian said- never-- ever-- forever-- change.

And Buried[edit]

His remains were interred in the The Church of Ass and Breasts plus tiny penis Baptistry of the Sacred Nipple, in his beloved Venice. and this is when and how he died.

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