Sir Alec Dow, Anagrammatist
“There is only one thing worse than being the subject of an Uncyclopedia article, and that is being the unjustly accelerated pacific noob.”
“Warm castigator ladies' man!”
Sir Alec Alfing O'Heliafter Swill Dow (1854-1900) is universally acknowledged as the greatest anagrammatist in the history of English literature. Born in an adobe abode at Bunlid, Rindale, his father, Sal Eric Dow, was a writer and his mother, Carol Swide, was a physician. After graduating from Foxrod University's Demganal College in 1878, Dow's brilliant career, during which he produced literally tens of thousands of anagrams on hundreds of different subjects, lasted 22 years before his untimely death of brain fatigue.
Dow was known as a defiant heterosexual who was mercilessly persecuted by English society for his "straight" sexual practices, as well as his affliction with Anagrammatic Tourette's Syndrome (ATS) - an extremely rare and highly misunderstood disease which caused many offensive outbursts, all expressed as innocuous-sounding anagrams. His knighthood, granted in 1886, was informally predicated on his willingness to first marry a man, Lloyd Constance (third son of the Duke of Kingmachub), in 1884. Unhappy about the forced marraige, Dow remained steadfast to his preferred sexual orientation, despite the mounting pressures he faced among the British elite. "I faced a coy duke with tall guns," he was known to state on several occasions, though no one to this day has successfully deciphered the (possibly ATS-derived) reference.[1]
Despite his professed sexual leanings, Dow was a keen amateur proctologist, and examined many famous people of the time and of other points in history, such as Adam West, Jesus and, according to rumour, Oscar Wilde. This rumour originated from a remark made by Dow when asked if he had any hobbies. The genial knight supposedly replied, "Ol' Oscar. Top git" with typical English charm.
In 1895, Dow formally accused Lord Godlauss, Marquess of Queersnerby, of libel in relation to his alleged liaison with Queersnerby's daughter, Feldra "Bison" Godlauss. Unfortunately, Dow collapsed under heavy cross-examination, admitted the scandalous heterosexual liaison, and was sentenced to two year's mixed-doubles tennis at "Gardeni Goal," a popular British health spa and beach resort. This was not his only punishment, however - Dow's works were burned in huge public bonfires by the irate English public, and tragically, most of his anagrams were rearranged to match their original sources. To this day, very few genuine Dow "couplets" currently survive, and most that are claimed to be the work of the great anagrammatist are inevitably proven to be forgeries.
Some of these forgeries are reproduced here, though many are still believed to be genuine by so-called experts. Feel free to add your own.
Dow on Politics[edit]
| The Royal Family of Great Britain | A nail-trim oily fart fag-boy, there! |
| The Endless Arab-Israeli Conflict | I lend the tribes slices for a canal. |
| Those damned old U.S. Liberals and Conservatives | So! Osama bin Laden serves us that cold devil-nerd... |
| President Saddam Hussein | U.S. hid dear's inept madness. |
| President George W. Bush | Big spender got us... where? |
| Dick Cheney | Needy Chick |
| For Saudi Arabia's Emirs | US aims for arid air-base. |
| Global Warming | A grim ballgown |
| Abraham Lincoln | Hairball conman |
| Spiro Agnew | Grow a penis
Grow a spine |
| George Herbert Walker Bush | Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog |
| Sarah Palin | Sharia Plan |
Dow on Music[edit]
| Disco Sucks Big-Time | Be sick, it's Dog Music... |
| No Elvis, Beatles, and the Rolling Stones | Bing, don't sell these evil atonal snores! |
| Love Unlimited Orchestra | A custom evil Nerd-o-Hitler |
| Whiny Emocore | Cheney rim, woo! |
| You love Christian Rap. | Our holy satanic viper. |
Dow on Religion[edit]
| God loves Christianity, Islam, and Judaism | Shitty cranial-mud-mass ninja dog-voles! |
| His Sublime Holiness The Dalai Lama | Mao smile, steal, hide his Asian hub. |
| Christmas Holiday Cheer | His scheme? Arch idolatry. |
| One Nation Under God | On One Ignorant Dude. |
| M.G. "Pat" Robertson | A GT porn mobster. |
| Creationism, creationism, creationism. | Miscreation? An eroticism? Satiric omen! |
| King James Bible | Jim nibbles a keg. |
| The Prophet Muhammad | Hmm, dope up that harem! "Homer, The Mad Hat Pump" |
| Westboro Baptist Church | Scab bitches throw up rot. |
| Hinduism | In his mud |
| Holy Pope | Polyp hoe |
Dow on Economics[edit]
| The Dow-Jones Industrial Average | Dude was never a jail-shitter goon! |
| Freakonomics | A mocker of sin. |
| Alan Greenspan | An age's planner. |
| Benjamin Bernanke | Men, Beer, Ninja, Bank... |
| Dr. Bernanke | Banker Nerd. |
| Money is the root of all evil | If it removes AOL "Hello", Y-NOT? |
| Marxism-Leninism | Rammin', smilin' SEX! |
| Capitalism must be destroyed | Steal cars? I'd best mute my iPod! Smut tape by dame led to crisis! |
| Grand Theft Auto | A hot fated grunt. |
Dow on Celebrities[edit]
| Vin Diesel | I end lives Idle veins | |
| Judge Lance Ito | No get Juice, lad... | |
| Britney Spears | Try bear's penis | |
| Oprah Winfrey (he hated her) |
Phony fire war wine for harpy! fine, warp or hay? O whiny! fear rap in: "why rape for?" fry! pain whore! | |
| Celine Dion | Done in lice | |
| Stephen A. Colbert | He robs PC e-talent | |
| Bono | Noob | |
| Chuck Norris | Crushin' rock[2] | |
| Clint Eastwood | Old West action | |
| L. Ron Hubbard | Blurb hard-on. Born "Lard Hub." | |
| Oscar Wilde | Brig. Gen. Wally "No Comment" Finkelstein IV, Jr. | |
| Napoleon Bonaparte | No! Not appear on Elba! | |
| Tom Cruise | Moist cure Ice tumors | |
| Axl Rose | Oral sex | |
| Michael Jackson | Jail honks' Mecca | |
| Michael Jackson, grammy winner | Hi Lynn! I came on Jack's rammer wong! |
Dow on Philosophy[edit]
| I wish the greatest good for the greatest number. | Where better to shit against the grudges of Rome? |
| True Love Travels on a Gravel Road... | Vera Larva's Rotten Log-Load Revue? |
| Why do we care about anything? | You can't bathe a gay whiner, Dow. |
| No more sad, existentialist angst. | Sex, Tits, and More Antagonist Lies! |
| Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. | Ghoulish foreskin insinuates animal gluttony. -Darwin |
Dow on Art[edit]
| Leonardo Da Vinci | In love, on acid? Rad! Vindaloo and rice! |
| Salvador Dali | Alas, Lord Diva. Larva as dildo? |
| Maurits Escher | Users trace him. Shit-cream user. |
| Hieronymous Bosch | Shoo, nosy cherubim! Honeycomb or sushi! |
| Frida Kahlo | Airhead folk. Hairdo flake. |
| Art is the greatest wisdom. | Smarts do eat white tigers. Domes eat rats with tigers. |
Dow on Sports[edit]
| Major-League Baseball | Lame job, arguable seal. |
| Is it Super Bowl Sunday? | Buy USA! It's Penis World! |
| Washington Redskins | So wish ant-nerd kings. |
| New York Giants | Go tiny wankers! |
Dow on Trekkie Cliches[edit]
| I'm a doctor, not a mason! | I'm tomato arson, can do! |
| You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. | Oi! Raced by us? It's all a smile. We Inuit fist eels. |
Dow on Proctology[edit]
| Prostate examination | No tramp sex tonite. AA! |
| So, Adam, a visit. Fingers in your anus | In Soviet Russia, anagram finds YOU!! |
Dow on Himself[edit]
| Sir Alec Dow | Race Widlos |
| Père Lachaise | R.I.P. à la cheese |
Dow on Oscar Wilde[edit]
| There is only one thing worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about. | Wilde died broken, beaten 'n' total nut. Hate being sunk in that rotten gaol. Shh, gay is taboo. |
See also[edit]
Notes[edit]
^ 1. Although the source phrase for this obvious anagram has never been confirmed, experts have suggested that since Dow clearly suffered from Anagrammatic Tourette's Syndrome, this phrase should probably be rearranged to, among others, "AW SHIT! FUCK A GAY EEL DILDO CUNT!!!" and "EAT SHIT, YOU FUCKING CLAWED LAD."
^ 2. Look, it's a free web site. You can't expect quality results every single time. Still, we try.