Hopscotch

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Scotch?

Typical hopscotch board.

“If only I could have hopscotch'd in my younger days instead of inspiring fake quotes.”

~ Oscar Wilde on hopscotch

“To play hopscotch, you hop!”

~ Captain Obvious on hopscotch

Hopscotch is a professional sport the CIA uses to eliminate children who attempt to commit suicide, and is also one of the primary exports of Scotland. The objective of the game is to die, but in reality everyone just becomes stupid. Many believe it is a cure for cancer because when you die, the cancer cells die too.

How to play

Oh my god! You don't know how to play!? It is so obvious, even Captain Obvious can play! But if you seriously need help with that, then fine(you are a nitwit, obviously). Here are the directions.

1. Hop
2. Hop again!
3. You don't get it yet? Then you are a cabbage head.

History of hopscotch

Modern experts, such as Gavin Menzies and John Kerry, believe the Chinese President in the 5th century B.C. held a council of China's top scientists, and asked said scientists to invent a professional sport for disposing of children who attempt to commit suicide.

Fans

Hopscotch has absolutely no fans. To be precise, hopscotch had one fan in the year 1201, who was immediantly killed by the Roman army. Modern theory assumes that this is because hopscotch is such a boring game that being a fan is breaking Newton's second law (and also Newton's first law).

Hopscotch today

In 2010 hopscotch has dominated world media as a rapidly-rising phenomena. It is now recognised as an international symbol of pop culture, particularly amongst A-list celebrities. Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs recently revealed his palatial hopscotch room to the world on MTV's "Cribs." The 65x40m floor space is adorned with 10 state-of-the-art hopscotch boards in various UV reflective colours. These are further enhanced by the disco-style light displays and $300 an hour dj who blasts hip techno beats for hopscotchers around the clock. Combs openly admits that to some it may seem exceedingly lavish however, "I can't imagine life without my hopscoch room. It's definitely my favourite feature, and my homeys can't get enough of it. Although, for them I'm sure it's not so much about the hopscotch as it is about the Hennessy bar!"