“I once took a black-and-white photo by a brick wall. It looked quite generically badass.”
The Brick wall (Latin: Markis Bakis) is an extremely rare and endangered species that can only be found in urban territory. They are typically found attached to large structures, most commonly buildings, or random alleyways.
The Brick Wall is assumed to have been a descendant of concrete, bricks, and Stone Walls. There is a wide variety of scientific evidence supporting this theory, as written in John Brick's Textbook of Brickwallology.
It is believed that some concrete had escaped during the falling of the Berlin Wall and spread out to hide in dark alleyways of random urban settings, where several eventually mated with hundreds of bricks at once, forming the first brick walls.
Unfortunately, due to the dangers of Re-forestation and rabid wrecking balls, the brick wall has quickly been classified as an "Endangered Species".
There have been multiple acts to preserve the brick waDESUll population, including sanctuaries or brick walls, rallies, protests, and rock bands taking promotional photos in front of them. All of these have turned out to be apparently successful. Oprah stated that the brick wall population may have become exctinct by now if it weren't for these amazingly kind acts of protection.
The first brick wall was discovered by Some rather observant guy in the summer of 1669. He noticed a large, scarlet-colored, and very slow-moving creature. After close studying, he came to the conclusion that it was, in fact, a brick wall, unlike the many stone, wood, and mattress-bodied walls he had seen before and then laughed at the fact that he "came" to a conclusion. (FYI, It is believed that brick walls may predate their discovery by almost 5 trillion years. Brickwallologists are currently debating the discovery of what appears to be brick wall cave paintings in northern Southafrica.)
Approximately 10 years later, several more brick walls had been spotted throughout the streets of New York City, Chicago, and Urban Vinland. One of the first brick wall-enthusiasts, Stonewall Jackson, noted that the brick wall moves at an extremely slow pace of about half of 0.000000.1 millimeter every 100 years. Many have been known to die long before they significantly make any movement whatsoever. The rare few that do make significant movment usually cause injury to themselves or those around them. These are classified as Over Achievers and/or WMD (Walls of major decay).
A later brick wall-enthusiast, Wallace Brick (Such pun-filled names, eh?) studied over 300 brick walls all over the world very vigorously. He recorded all of their traits, rituals, varieties, and reproductive organs and published the Textbook of Brickwallology, ultimately inventing academic study of brick walls, which still remains one of the most prestigious and popular professions today. Brick's textbook is considered the bible of Brick Walls and Brick Wall enthusiasts alike. Brickwallologists are currently trying to understand the motor function of the various species of brick walls, as well as the various circulatory, and respiratory systems of these creatures.
Since the first brick walls was discovered in 1669, over 10,000 subspecies of brick walls have been spotted all over the world.
Brick walls have a very unique lifestyle. Their mating rituals, child care, diet, and growth are unlike many other creatures, even others in the Wallis class.
Brick Walls are typically born in massive litters of single bricks, who are nurtured by their parents before leaving for the outside world alone, where they merge to become a whole wall where they see it fit. They usually form themselves upon near-finished construction sites, or they sometimes happen to be "just there".
The average lifespan of a brick wall is about 294 years.
...until the liquid concrete forms another brick within the female. Then, after the 2 hour gestation period, a massive litter of 50-1,337 young bricks are brought into the world.
A brick wall's diet mainly consists of air molecules. However, on occasion, brick walls have been known to consume various meats, paper, paint, and innocent bystanders taking pictures in front of them to make them look badass on MySpace.
But, this creature still remains the only one able to sustain it's life simply on air molecules.
Drugs & Alcohol
Brick Walls have a very low tolerance for any form of alcohol or drug. When exposed to either, it starts singing show tunes and calling out to people it thinks it knows.
On many occasions, these substances have been known to provoke fights between fellow brick walls and other prey. This is a leading cause of endangerment in the creature.
On many occasions, brick walls have been known to maliciously attack random prey. Brick walls have been known to prey upon the following creatures and objects:
- Drunk Track Runners
- Blind People
- Fast-moving cars
- Generic Rock Bands
- Super Saiyans
If you are one of the above, the Animal Control Association of Canada suggests avoidance of a brick wall at all costs. Unfortunately, if you are one of the above, it's kind of hard to avoid a brick wall. Might as well not go outside at all. Fucking Loser.
What to do if you see a Brick Wall
If you happen to see one of these brick walls in your area, contact your local Animal Control immediately as the brick walls don't know that they are becoming extinct.
Should the officials be unable to dispatch personnel immediately, there are a number of ways of ensuring the brick wall does not become skittish and attack any nearby Super Saiyans. The first and most popular method is to let the wall catch your scent. This is done by placing your hands at shoulder height and width, leaning in, and repeatedly hitting your head against the wall. Other methods of calming the wall are to offer it a fresh serving of the favored beverage of brick walls or telling off-color and poorly-contrived jokes into a microphone.
If you encounter a brick wall in the wild, the government may already be aware of its existence and have tagged it appropriately. Each local agency has a different tag for the wild brick wall to ensure they are not confused for one another or the more populous bathroom stall door.
It is a little known fact that in Bearchester, NY, there is a conservatory for brick walls. As not to alarm the brick walls, it is masquerading as a college campus. So, if you see any brick walls and the proper authorities are unable to help, please attempt to lead them in the direction of RIT.