Billions and billions
Billions and billions is widely regarded as McDonald's best (and fattest) customer. Every time he eats at McDonald's they put "Billions and billions served" underneath the sign to show that he ate there. He eats McDonald's four meals a day, if you didn't know it already.
Before him, McDonald's best customers changed from time to time, from "Over 01 Billion" to "Over 99 Billion". Since the death of Over 99 Billion, Billions and billions has taken over and reigned as their best customer for over 20 years.
Life of Crime
Due to his extremely excessive body weight and astronomically large body to body fat ratio (98.99%) he is impervious to bullets, rockets, anti-tank guns, roundhouse kicks, etc. Because of this, he sought a life of crime and quickly became America's most wanted criminal. Known to simply waddle his way past S.W.A.T teams firing at him, he is feared by all of the State police force. Using his huge fortune, which is Billions and Billions, he goes out and buys food from all McDonalds' restaurants and even some more 'high class' places.
- Billions and billions is the world's fattest person. He weighs 32 tons. He can't seem to lose weight because he can't fit through the doors at the gym down town and the dietitian's office is smaller than he is.
- He is estimated to be over 10 feet wide (over 26 feet wide at his fattest) and currently envelops a volume of 8 and a half thousand gallons.
- You know he's coming to your local McDonald's when the road to it is cracked and you hear giant stomping sounds.
- He's the only person whose fart can necessitate the evacuation of the entire state.
- Same with the burp.
- His house is built on 11 layers of cinder block, and even then the foundation manages to crack under the weight.
- That's enough weight jokes, don't you think?
- I hope Billions and billions doesn't read this.
- That would be awkward.
- I don't want to become his next meal.
- He's completely fucked.
Billions and billions was offered a spot on TLC's "Big Medicine", however this offer was later withdrawn as they didn't have a camera lens with a wide enough angle.
Last month, Billions and billions contacted a doctor (by meeting one at McDonald's, as his fingers were too fat to dial the office's number) to try to manage his weight. His doctor's first advice was to stop eating at McDonald's, however after hearing this, Billions quickly dismissed him as "one fucked up quack." After seeing 30 other doctors, and receiving the same advice, he put aside conventional medicine and turned to an obscure church, The Orthodox Church of Cheeseburgers, that has alleged ties to fast food industries. To many, this is not surprising, considering communion has been replaced with potato chips, chrism is old vegetable oil, babies are baptized with Sprite, and the wine is actually flat Coca-Cola. They also worship by starting prayer with the Sign of No Weight Loss: "In the name of the Burger, the Bun, and the Holy Roast. Amen
With the upcoming 2008 Presidential elections, and universal health care being put on the table, many people have come out in opposition to universal health care so they don't have to pay for his daily emergency room visits with their tax dollars. The President would have to raise income tax up to 99% to cover Billions' hospital bills alone. No one wants that.
On August 21, 2009 Billions once again embarked on a weight loss endeavor after suffering his billionth heart attack. On the advice of his personal trainer, he attempted to take up jogging. However, this rapidly ended after noise complaints from everyone on the block over his loud, obnoxious pounding and farting as he ran.
On September 1, weighing in at an astonishing 217 tons, Billions tilted the axis of the world, causing a minor extension of the day by approximately thirty seconds worldwide, also resulting in a longer period of daylight, thus Global Warming.
On October 9 Billions was interviewed for Lame Losers Quarterly. When stating that he will never get laid, the interviewer was reported to have said "No Shit, Sherlock."
On October 15 a new advertising campaign was announced featuring a recent image of Billions and billions, last seen photographed in February 2007. Replacing their token tagline with a minor variation, "I'm luggin' it", the ad campaign depicts a clean-shaven Billions carrying his humongous-ass gut in a wheelbarrow.
Billions has been hopeful that the campaign will be a success.
“More and more people are choosing the fat lifestyle. With the help of McDonald's, anyone can be morbidly obese in a matter of months. I'm confident that the fat agenda will see its objectives fulfilled even more before the conclusion of this decade.”