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“In Soviet Salem, witch burns YOU!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Puritans

“Oh hell, more crazy white people. I'm getting sick of this shit”

~ average Native American on Puritans

“Get the hell outta here”

~ England on Puritans

The Puritans were a group of the rebellious teenage children Christians of the church of England and fascist fashionistas. According to ancient accounts, in the year 1620 they were exiled to the United States after they failed to purify the Church of England of the remaining Catholic practices left over from the reformation; (they wouldn't be caught dead in those gaudy gold mitres; those things were like so last century). They than set out to, "build a new England", to avoid the kind of religious persecution, that their leader Oliver Cromwell showed Ireland when he killed off one-third of its population.

They had very strict religious beliefs and dress code however, and those in the Puritan Colonies who preached religious tolerance were exiled and forced to either swim back to England or learn survival skills from the evil Indians. Of these people, the most well known are Anne Hutchinson, and Roger Williams who went on to found Rhode Island for religious tolerance.

Upon arriving on the new land, they found harsh conditions that nearly killed them off and savages whom they nearly killed off in order to survive those conditions. Puritans have given many things to modern society, including intolerance, witch-hunts, and the Amerindian Holocaust.

Humble Beginnings[edit]

The Puritan Church was founded in England after King Henry VIII set the trend of fracturing off from the Catholic Church. However, the Puritans were shunned by other Protestant Churches and forced to sit at their own table at lunch because they were a bunch of squares who didn't advocate divorce, or as it was referred to by King Henry VIII, "Off with her head!".

At first the puritans had their hair cut short and unkempt and wore black or other dull dark colors to contrast with the elaborately effeminate french {{wp:Cavalier}}courtly fashion. Than in 1636 the Anglican church gave the order for all clergy to have short hair, so naturally the Puritans grew their hair out long to rebel.

In 1620, 102 Puritans boarded an old, broken down trade ship called the Mayflower in the hopes they'd be drowned in a sea storm, picked off by pirates or eaten alive by savages.

When the Puritans landed their ship at the worthless spit of land they would forever fallow as "Fraggle rock", they all signed a diabolical contract with Mephistopheles called The Mayflower Pact which Thomas Jefferson later plagiarized to form Declaration of Independence.

However, the Puritans were not used to the conditions of this strange New World, like freezing inland high latitude winters (which made the perpetually overcast skies of England seem sonny in comparison), and starvation from not knowing all the bizarre new plants and animals absent from England's Pokedex.

Many of these first colonies, like Roanoke, mysteriously vanished. Theories today suggest that their demise is a result of their extreme stubbornness and being unwilling to find a new home. Others say the Native Americans were kind of pissed off that they had burnt down the village of Aquascogoc over a lost silver cup. Some believe they tore themselves to pieces over the long hungry winter, descending into madness from isolation. An alternate theory suggests that the puritans of Roanoke fell victim to an outbreak of zombies due to witchcraft and that nearby natives eventually quarantined the undead horde of honkies and burned their remains.

All of the buildings had been cleanly dismantled with no signs of a conflict. Some stupidly thought that the colonists of Roanoke had all left for the more habitable Croatoan island, as that was the name carved into the side of a tree, and they are the only Indian tribe with grey eyes and they had legends of book printing. There's even those who think they dispersed and integrated into Chowanoke and Iroquois; because the natives just so happened to have spontaneously invented two story housing identical to the colonists at about the same time. The French found some of the Tuscaroras with blond hair and blue eyes, while the Saponi of Person County, North Carolina seemed to already speak English and knew about Christianity; but peoples children spontaneously mutate new traits, find Jesus or learn English on their own all the time. It's hard to say what really happened to them, it's too bad there's no clues.

Fortunately a few of the colonists bailed beforehand following a siege by savages, and Sir Francis Drake gave them a lift back to England. To this day, the colonies memory lives on in every English field growing tobacco, maize or potatoes. The second wave of Puritans found an ingenious way to deal with these problems. Like true Englishmen, they built a church that cost no more than 50 pounds, and a tavern that cost 500 pounds. After hearing of the Puritans' "success" in the New World, Henry VIII declared himself Lord of Ireland, England's own backyard frontier.

Salem Witch Trials[edit]

Let's be real, the Puritans really should have just gotten laid more often, rolled up a blunt and chilled the fuck out. Unfortunately, they were good, joyless, Christians and like any good Christians, they believed in being serious buzzkills, telling others what to do and ruining any slight chance to party by offing all the cool people. As we all know from watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Puritans absolutely hated witches. They would accuse their very own of being witches, just to inflate their numbers so they could brag to the other churches about their kill count. [[Wp:Trial by ordeal|The puritans would identify witches by various highly accurate scientific methods]]. Sometimes an accused witch would be set on fire and then thrown in a stack of very dry twigs. If she lived, then she was a [[witch] and if she died, she was just really good at faking it. Ultimately none survived, but as one Puritan once said:

I'd rather kill a thousand innocent women then actually have to look for a witch.

There were plenty of other insanely stupid methods of determining if one was a witch or not, including:

  • Weighing the accused's heart on a scale against a feather; if she weighed more than the feather, she was a witch. The ancient Egyptian goddess Maat successfully sued for plagiarism.
  • Tying one of their feet to one of their hands and throwing them into a body of water. If the accused floated, she was a witch; if she drowned, she was innocent. A posthumous pardon and apology usually followed.
  • Finally, killing the accused was also popular. If she died, God must not have favored her and she was probably a witch. If she lived, than the devil clearly favored her and she must be a zombie.
Puritans feeding on the Natives' heathen flesh.


Despite popular misconceptions, it was the Puritans, not the Pagans, who first founded Thanksgiving. The Pagans in fact founded Halloween, and it's easy to get to two mixed up because Pagans dressed up as Puritans for the first Halloween, which is by far a more scary costume than a vampire.

However,bob like many holidays, the original Thanksgiving was very different from the version we know today. Instead of inviting a bunch of people over who annoy the crap out of us and then pig out, the Puritans created Thanksgiving for being thankful for having their Native American neighbors whose skins could be used to shield them from the cold and who's succulent flesh could be used to feed their villages.

The Puritans celebrated Thanksgiving by first attacking Native American villages at random, usually the ones who posed little or no threat to their fledgling communities and had no way to defend themselves, and taking as many of the women and children captives. But don't worry, they were all godless heathens and deserved it (or so said Jonathan Edwards).

Then the Puritans would kill the Natives, remove their skin to make their walls and clothes, and cook their meat. After that the Puritans would invite the surviving Natives over for a feast and later would make fun of them behind their backs for unknowingly eating their own people. Of course eventually the Puritans ran out of Native Americans for their "Thanksgivings".

Puritans in Indonesia[edit]

Some puritans went to Mexico for Spring Break and they met some temporary guest workers from Kenya. They bred a number of mulatos. The mulatos would make money by pretending they owned the beach and charging people money to sit on it. The Mexicans did not like mulatos stealing the puritans chairs because the puritans brought a lot of money and safety into the economy. The mulatos were considered unsafe. Many doctors agreed that the number of wounds to native beachfishers increased with the birth of mulatos. The mulatos got a job in Indonesia building bridges. A giant krupuk deep fry was held to celebrate the Oresund Archipelago.

One of the puritans went to Hong Kong and helped to improve the defence of the Native Aborigines. Later, Indonesian mulatos tried to steal their money.

The Fading[edit]

The last Puritan died in 1758. Although the religion and its members faded into oblivion, only to be remembered in a negative light by history textbooks and satirical humor later published by 18th and 19th century writers, we have a slight glimpse of their pitiful existence today, known as the Amish.

See also[edit]