IB

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The International Baccalaureate (IB) is a scholastic program similar to Advanced Placement, but differs in the following ways:

1. You have to jump through a lot of hoops to do it.
2. A lot of people have never heard of it.
3. It is accepted throughout the world, except where people have never heard of it.
4. After graduation, IB students are legally obligated to feel superior to everyone else.

The program is very academically rigorous, but it usually doesn't stop overachievers from trying to find time to be involved in several activities, have a part-time job, feed starving children in Africa, spend weekends as a mime, and take Ivy League college courses just for the hell of it.

History

The IB program was founded by George Washington in the year 1789 in order to educate students on the value of hard work and writing long essays. The program floundered for several years until Benjamin Franklin decided that it was a good idea and spread it to France; the French loved the program and added several new courses, including IB French, IB Cooking, and IB Snobbery. Soon, the rest of Europe decided that they wanted in on the action and began to integrate IB programs into their educational systems as well.

However, a problem arose when in 1816 everyone realized that the various programs had differentiated so much it was no longer really International Baccalaureate, but rather several academic programs holding the same name. Eventually, the program went into a 100-year hiatus, until it was brought back in the 1960s as a way to fight Communism by making students too focused on their homework to read Karl Marx.

The Program

The IB program consists of several rigorous guidelines in order to ensure proper education. Firstly, students must choose a "track"—a group of courses that they will take which will contain the same courses as every other track. According to IB leaders, the students confronted with a difficult choice will be more ready for life inside a society, where such situations are extremely recurrent. Those who fail to make the final decision are called "ass"es or Buridan's Asses for the rest of their lives, which is good evidence as to how well-educated IB students really are.

Students will then go through two years of education, during which the very little information and practical skills learned in class and the extraordinary amount of homework assignments maintain a perfect equilibrium. A typical night of homework for an IB student involves writing a ten-page essay, (re)reading War and Peace, doing two hours' worth of math involving non-real numbers, and watching an eight-hour-long documentary. Because IB classes are so difficult, the grades out of 10 or 20 that the students receive (which depends on the country where the course is taken) automatically become grades out of 7, while the numerator of the fraction remains unchanged.

In addition, IB students must complete four hundred hours of CAS, each one painstakingly documented. IB students must also write an Extended Essay, an essay equal in length to their height written with a feather quill on a piece of parchment. Finally, they must pass an exam in each subject. Each exam costs one limb to take, and if a student should fail the exam, all of their hard work will be forfeited and they will be publicly executed by hanging.

Controversy

There are people in the world who believe that high schoolers are not meant for the rigorous hard work required for the IB program. Or rather, there were. In 2004, Muammar Gaddafi, who was at the time the leader of the program, had them all killed. Now, all good citizens believe that high school students are meant to function without sleep.

The controversy is mostly over, as studies have shown that IB students are 100% more likely to earn college degrees, become professors, write well-known books, survive lightning strikes, and shoot lasers from their eyeballs than their peers.

Trivia

• Kim Jong Chul, the brother of "Rocket Man" is a known IB graduate.
  • Many speculate that the sadistic dictator Kim Jong Il wanted to find the best way to torture his kid and was recommended the IB program by an aide in Switzerland.
  • While the program was successful in traumatizing him, it had an unintended consequence: the mounds of homework distracted Kim Jong Chul from his daily twenty-five hour studies of the works of Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Josef Stalin, Mao Zedong, and his grandfather Kim Il Sung.
  • As a result, he was considered unsuitable to become the next God Supreme Leader of the Glorious State of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea because he was not a true comrade.
  • Kim Jong Il did not make the same mistake with Kim Jong-un. The aide who recommended the IB program subsequently vanished.
• Many IB students who survive become philosophically disillusioned, especially after taking TOK.
  • This may lead them to express suicidal tendencies verbally or lose faith in humanity.
  • There is no need to worry, as this is completely normal.