Vasco da Gama

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The funniest guy in history. He'd say the darnedest things and keep his face dead serious right up to the point where everyone suddenly burst into laughter.

Vasco da Gama was the funniest guy ever. No, really, you should've seen him that one night. We were drinking late and Vasco said "I discovered the most peculiar thing, yesterday." And we were all like "What was it, Vasco? Tell us!" And then he said "Your mom's vagina. *trollface*" Oh God, we laughed so hard. I tell you, Vasco is one masterful son-of-a-bitch when it comes to entertainment. And I didn't just use that word because it had enter in it. Get it? Eh? Okay, maybe I'm not as good as the great Vasco himself. If only you could've seen him. You'd have laughed yourself to death. I'm not even kidding. He humored some Arabs to death once. It wasn't a pretty sight. He then stole all their gold. Hilarious!

Early life

Me and Vasco go way back. He was quite a scoundrel in his childhood. Like that one time the house was on fire and his father Estêvão asked Vasco who started the fire. And you know what the little pyromaniac told his father? "The cat did it." The poor cat was executed the following day. Oh, how we laughed. Priceless.


By the time he was all grown up, Vasco had established such a reputation that King Manuel I of Portugal provided him with a fleet to tour around the globe and perform his routine wherever the ships would take him. He actually took two of these tours during his lifetime. A third one was planned but had to be canceled when Vasco contracted a fatal tropical disease.

From Lisbon to India and Back Again

One of Vasco's most famous routines during his first tour consisted of the following:

So, I went to Mozambique once, disguised as a Muslim—You know how damn intolerant those Muslim bastards are to us Christians—but those damn Muslims were on to me. They frikkin' chased me back to the harbor! But guess what I did once I was on my ship. I fired my cannons at them, hahaha! Oh, you should've seen those suckers shaking their fists at me as I sailed away from them. It was priceless.
[exuberant laughter is heard in the background]

The first time I heard that, I nearly split my sides. Oh man, you just had to be there.

"I have come to cleanse your land of Muslims. Now laugh, dammit!" Oh Vasco, you priceless scoundrel.

From Lisbon to India and Back Again: The Revenge

Vasco's second comedy tour was marked by two notorious acts:

  • Hot Stuff
During one of my journeys across the Indian Ocean, I stumbled across a large merchant ship carrying Muslim pilgrims. Naturally, I let my men plunder the ship. But I had another surprise in store for those filthy Muslims. I was gonna give them a little sneak peek of what their stay in hell would be like. So I locked them all up in the hold of the ship and set it on fire. I looked on through the porthole and I saw as the women's clothes were burned off their bodies. Forget Kentucky Fried Chicken, I'd rather treat myself to some saucy Islamic Fried Chicks.
[exuberant laughter is heard in the background]
  • The Puppy
So after all that trouble I went through to purify their land of a couple Muslims, these Indian folks sent me this Brahmin priest with a peace offer. Really, the nerve. So I cut off the guy's lips and ears and sewed on a pair of dog ears. And I told the little puppy to go back to its master.
[exuberant laughter is heard in the background]

Ruling India for Great Justice

Oh, the fun we could've had. But it wasn't meant to be.


When he went to India for a third time, he contracted malaria and died on Christmas Eve in 1524. Funny that a guy whose most notable acts consisted of burning people alive and cutting off people's body parts would die on Christmas Eve, wouldn't you say so?[1]


You might also want to know that Vasco da Gama discovered a new sea route from Europe to India[2], leading to its colonization by European powers and the deaths of many Indians. There's nothing particularly funny about that, but I just thought I'd inform you of that little fact. So there ya have it.


  1. Then again, he does look a bit like Santa.
  2. Sailing along the shores of Africa. Really, how hard can it be?

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