Winthrop University

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“We teach people how to remember, we never teach them how to grow.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Winthrop University

The first male admitted at Winthrop University was forced to walk around without pants.

Winthrop University (formerly Winthrop College) is located in Rock Hill, South Carolina (the hill is yet to be located), which is twenty minutes outside Charlotte, North Carolina.

The favorite thing of most Winthrop students is known as The Ratio. The Ratio is currently 659:1, but not many are sure what these numbers refer to. It is most likely a secret code made to identify people who care about that sort of thing.

At some point in the 1970s or 1980s men were allowed to go to Winthrop for the first time. Normally they would have stayed away, but the thought of all the women there was too much to resist. Unfortunately things didn't work out that way. The school went back to all female in the early 1990s and only recently became co-ed again thanks in part to Title IX, an ass load of money donated by a Harvard reject's parents, and the number 57.164613478431398798713.

The Founders

Winthrop University was originally founded as a set for the movie Asylum. This movie was the world's first chance at seeing Rock Hill as it was simply thought as a typo found on many maps of South Carolina. This movie was critically acclaimed for it being so terrifying. It uses a new genre of horror, it is called self-realization terror in which the person watching realizes that they just spent 7 dollars at blockbuster on this terrible movie, money which will never be returned.

Winthrop was founded by feminists frozen in time Forever Young style. In an attempt to make up for centuries of oppression these women only allowed other women to enter the school. At least that's what it says in the press report. The real reason is that the school was founded for all the women who couldn't find a man.

Over the years these women lost the stranglehold they had once possessed over the university. Which is to say they died and were replaced by younger, prettier women who could get a man. This ruined everything that the original Winthrop women had worked for.

At some point Mrs. Strom Thurmond the First got involved. We're not sure when this happened though because those kind of records weren't kept in the 1500s.

Where to Live

Thomson - (NO "T") A big draw because of the cafeteria downstairs. The residents don't have to worry about how cold it is because they don't need to go outside, ever. It's almost as if this is a world unto itself. Some of Thomson's residents are known to not shower for four days in fact the only reason that they are found in the bathroom is because of the massive quantity of shit that they produce due to the laxatives in the food, instead electing to use sprays to hide whatever stink may have attatched itself to their body. Some of the residents are insomniacs and decide to move furniture around at 2 am almost every day, disturbing the people that live below them. Also the mystery meat is actually rat and dog meat and the yellow powerade is really piss.

Overall the residents of Thomson are good people. They'll make you coffee and feed you if you give them enough of a warning and are willing to go to Walgreen in the rain to pick up supplies. Just be sure to wear dirty shoes because any pile of standing water that comes along will be jumped into.

Richardson and Wofford - Officially two different dorms, but the residents mix so often that there might as well be a tunnel between the two. In fact there is, but no one knows where it is. So it doesn't help any. Richardson and Wofford residents tend to stick together, kind of like the band kids in your local high school. To go outside the circle can be seen as an attempt at either individuality or hate depending on the mood of the person you ask. Richardson has been compared by many scholars who did research on the building as, "A overwhelming sensory explosion of foul smells." But generally, they are a fun loving people who will have no problem packing as many people as possible onto an elevator.

The Nance - Also known as "The Nunnery" or "The Virgin Vault" because of the restrictions placed on visitors. Good luck trying to get in here, it's as safely guarded as a chastity belt. Girls are seen coming out in cloaks and head coverings, but no one is ever seen going in. A card must be shown on every floor and a thumb/retinal scan on every door. It is nearly impossible to sneak in, unless you wait for someone to get drunk. One lone male had the boldness to enter upon the heavily guarded doors, and his entrails were rumored to be amidst the lasagna served in Thomson the next day.

Lee Wicker and Phelps - Not much is known about these two. The residents tend to stay to themselves. We think they live in a cocoon. We do know, however, that the dorms in Phelps have very nice hardwood floors.

The Courtyard - The residents of The Courtyard are aliens. They use The Courtyard as the base for their secret operations to take over the world. Their plan is to suck the brain out of everyone who comes to visit. Sadly, no one ever comes to visit. The residents have been known to drink the entire town dry of Pabst Blue Ribbon. This may be the reason for a local Secret society group's focus on alien invasions.see: Duckbutter.

Ebenezer - The student ghetto. Located just off campus near Johnson's Theater/ Dance and Media building/theater, rent here is cheap and a lot of students who do not live on campus live in area. It is also the home of a few Greek society house and two duckbutter houses. (Du(k3u++eR's home for the Criminally Insane and the Shoa Lin East Embassy)

What to do around Campus

Winthrop students like to follow cats. Since the school is basically in the middle of no where this is about all there is to do. We're starting to think that there is some sort of strange religion revolving around these cats.

They also like to "go for a walk," which is local slang for "give someone some real bad news that they won't want to hear in front of other people." This is characterized by having a specific destination in mind and going there to deliver the news. Or maybe just a type of destination, it doesn't matter really because the point of going is to tell the bad news in a public place where people could be (to avoid possible death ) but most likely aren't (to avoid people seeing you get killed).

Or sometimes just to confuse people a walk is taken for extremely good news, although this is usually referred to as "wandering." This is characterized by the person initiating the walk having no idea where they'll end up and continually bringing up stupid little bits of conversation in an attempt to not look like a complete scardy cat. Eventually the initiator decides that there's no point in waiting and just spits it out, forgetting about all possible bad things that could happen. The news is usually delivered in a public place where people could be (in case the other person isn't thinking the same way) but most likely aren't (so the moment is more special).

A group gathering wandering around at night can also usually get into places students shouldn't be, just by trying various doors. Use your historical knowledge and ways with words to convice party members that these places are haunted and scare the living shit out of them. Places to try: Basement of conservatory (doesn't work on music majors), the chapel, johnson in general (doesn't work on theatre/dance majors), anyplace that is open in mcbride, Dacus (hard to get into after hours) and OF COURSE the fourth floor of Tillman... which is locked every day when the staff leaves, but the ghosts unlock it if they care for visitors >:)

Another big thing is Facebook. The students use it to find the phone numbers, AIM screen names, and room assignments of classmates who otherwise would not share that information. It's a stalkers best friend. Think about it. You wouldn't go write that stuff on the bathroom wall, but you have no problem putting it online where everyone can see it.

A large proportion of many the students' time is spent in front of the signs displaying the construction, where they discuss what the hell is being built as well as why there is only one guy doing work while the other workers play kickball, and gawk at hot ladies passing by.

People to Run Into

The guy with the iPod boombox - He's pretty cool... Except for the fact that he's a total douche.

The guy with the ponytail - Someone told him that it was okay to be a black guy with long hair without braids or dreads. He used to be seen with the fat Kiah who works the front desk at the courtyard (not the skinny one) or aimlessly walking around the art schools with miscellaneous people at night. If you spot him, tell him art is gay. He'll get the reference.

Both people who go to breakfast every day - I would swear that they're great people, but I'm still asleep then. But I haven't heard anything bad about them. In fact, I haven't heard anything about them now that I think about it....

People named after food or food related items - Melon, Waffles, Rice, Spork, Babies, the list could go on if there were more people like that. But hey, how can you go wrong when someone has such a cool name?

Lunch lady + mustache - She will hook you up on some lasagna, but don't ever ask for two corndogs. "YOU BEEN TOOOO BAD BABY!"

Whoever thought pine straw was a good idea - Please, ask him why. We really want to know.

Kamikaze Squirrels - they will find you. Listen for the warning signs rattling branches and projectile acorns. Many have been known to play dead or even sacrifice one of their young to tempt the curious.

Vampires - These aren't your conventional vampires. They can go out in the daylight, cross running water, everything. So there's no way to find out if someone is a vampire until you're attacked. Which will most likely happen on a Thursday, although other days aren't out of the question.

The rocking chair ghost - You will see her at two in the morning by herself sitting on rocking chairs around campus no matter what the weather, rain or shine ice or snow. That's how you know she's dead and can't possibly be a real live person.

Duckbutters - These are jumpsuit- clad in patches- wearing secret society members. They are often seen hanging out at the citgo on the corner, the local CVS, any place with beer, wondering the streets at all hours of the night, or near the art and science buildings. Beware these individuals for they swell their ranks by abducting those they believe to be aliens (they think everyone is an alien.) and questioning them. They keep the humans....

Recluses- These people stay in their dorm room and never come out... Oh wait you wont run into them. Ignore this paragraph. You can stop reading now.

Sam Stives - A tall kid that often hangs out with a short fat kid but not by choice. You'll also often see him with a guy who's always wearing shorts and a band t-shirt.

The guy who's always tripping on some form of drugs - You'll see him somewhere, most likely the smoking bench. With his black, curly hair and his soul-piercing eyes.

The annoying stupid girl - a whore...who lies, parties with everyone, sleeps around. then lies to your face about it, and runs from guy to guy in less than days, saying i want you. Dumber than a piece of dog shit to boot, without a sock. (See Uncyclopedia:How_To_Be_Funny_And_Not_Just_Stupid)

WUPO Cop that ate the rest More often than not, upon seeing your peers in a tight spot dealing with the esteemed Winthrop Police, it will be a middle age penis looking fellow or the larger-than-his-patrol-car officer. The lard ass can't get in or out of his car in under five minutes and to give chase? Forget about it. Definitely the officer you want pulling you if you absolutely HAVE to find yourself in trouble (Which, due to the lack of mentally stimulating activities on campus, is a good possibility.)