Henry VIII

Henry VIII webcam photo showing his gingeriness

Henry VIII, nicknamed "Harry" for some unknown reason was a King of England at some point, despite being Welsh. Henry then married his brother's virgin widow (ha, right), Catherine of Aragon. Harry soon got bored of just getting it on with one woman and, as any man with dog like instincts does, had many a whore sharing his bed. One of these whores, called Elizabeth Blount, had his illegitimate son, Henry Fitzroy. The boy was stupid enough to be born outside of marriage, meaning he would never be king. When he died she pretended to be up the duff before then running off with some randomer at court.

Biography

Henry VIII was an irritable, foul-tempered, nasty brute with ginger hair and an 'orrid beard, which was a typical look for sex obsessive men. He was most famous for having 4 headed wives and 2 headless wives. Despite this he still managed to get 18 women, because THIS IS SPARTA of the magnificent girth and length of his wealth, power, stomach and codpiece. Henry VIII was addicted to Viagra cookies, which he believed would increase his chances of having a son. This has been noted as a contributing factor to both his large ... ahem ... cod-piece and XXL stomach. Henry VIII was a well educated individual, studying many languages like Welsh, y Gymraeg, Cymraeg, Insular Britonic, Walsh, Walch, Welch and Wealh-specan. He also studied musical instruments, Latin swearwords and telecommunications. In 1992 Henry invented the Atomic bomb and managed to blow up half of London and killed 7 million French tourists. Also, the sweating disease was just one of his tricks he played on his people when he wanted to go be alone in one of his private castles.

One of his less well known acts was cannonising people. Some of Henry VIII's better known accomplishments include separating the Church of England from the Roman Catholic Church by building a wall between them, building Cambridge University single-handedly, recording with the Beatles at Westminster Abbey, marrying 18 women (including his foxy sister-in-law), enslaving England uniting Wales with England, and getting a trophy for winning at cricket. In later life, Henry VIII ran our of Viagra and started eating more pomegranates; he eventfully ate so many that he got pomegranate intoxication which led to his death.

He attempted to become an actor, though he quit after not receiving role for his first audition in the Star Wars series. He auditioned to play Jabba the Hutt, but lost the role to Drew Barrymore.

Henry VIII made his money from Hustling Pool at the local Pool Hall, and killing (and eventually eating) his wives, getting the insurance money, and then buying a new wife. Once his new wife either became "too blah", or bore a baby foolish enough to be born female, Henry VIII had her killed (accidentally, of course) and bought another one with the earnings. If he was kind, he got a man with a sword to kill them. This, combined with Galileo's love of cheap hookers, also led to the sharp increase in popularity of the mail-order bride industry in the early 1500's. Eating his dead wives has also been assumed to be part of the reason why Henry VIII had such a large stomach. One of the household staff reported seeing Henry take off his bra at one point and saw the faces of all 18 wives, protruding from his nipples and talking to one another. The member of staff was quickly eaten and digested disposed of. A report for the missing man was issued but the local police simply dismissed the issue and said the man had probably wandered into the botanical gardens and had been cannibalised by the living penises.

Henry had three children who survived infancy. His only legitimate son Edward, when he was nine years old, decided to switch places with a porpoise and drowned soon after. His eldest daughter Bloody Mary was a pyromaniac vampire who enjoyed burning Protestants and eating them afterwards - a trait she apparently inherited from her father (She also inherited her enormous penis from Henry). Mary was eventually defeated by her half-sister, and became a ghost who haunts mirrors and has taken to killing girls at slumber parties, setting rabid kittens on them that eat her victims alive...penis first. Henry's youngest daughter, Elizabeth, became Queen Elizabeth I - she inherited her father's gingeriness but not his enormous mojo Mofo. He also had lots of kiddies who died in the womb or who were eated when Henry was hungry illegitimate. Like Henry Fitzroy.

Chronological list of his wives

Portrait of Anne Boleyn shortly before and after her death.

1. Cardinal Wolsey -1620. Was killed when he made bleeping truck reversing noises when Henry was backing up. Was knocked out of a window and landed on the guillotine.
2. Mary (yes his daughter) - 1621. Was killed with a rake at dawn for daring to look at her husbands breeches.
3. Anne Boleyn - 1622. Bore him a daughter, Elizabeth I. Beheaded.
4. Santa Claus - 1623 An lll-fated and short-lived marriage known for both party's heavy use of cocaine and amphetamines.
5. Jane Seymour - 1624. Suffered death from a knight of the King whilst shopping in Tesco's.
6. Anne again - 1625. Was tied to a VW beetle and dragged through the streets of London while a crowd of peasants bayed for her blood.
7. Britney of Birmingham - 1628. After suffering a miscarriage, and failing to produce another child, was fed poison in her bedchamber until her head dropped off.
8. Princess of Bulgaria - 1630. died in the 9/11 bombings.
9. Mary the 1337 - 1631. Was crushed under the weight of her crown, and was Queen for only one day.
10. Laura Dosworth - 1996 - 2013. travelled back into history using her father's backpack time machine, so she could carry out research on the king for her A-Level History exam. she materialised for the wedding, but after getting drunk and spilling wine on the consoles of the backpack, her body was torn into pieces and used to make pudding for the after-wedding feast.
11. Dave - 1633. Beheaded under the Great Oak of Windsor Castle for not beening girlie enough.
12. Caroline of Denmark - 1634. Had a mobile phone attached to her skull until she developed a brain tumour, this took over 9 hours.
13. His sister - 1635. 'Canonised' - i.e. fired out of a cannon as Henry realised incest was illegal and immoral under his own laws.
14. Mary something to do with apples - 1637. Beheaded with a shovel, then a brick, then another shovel.
15. Anne of Cleves - 1639. Forced to smoke pot until she died laughing at Ren and Stimpy.
16. Jane C. More - 1643. Daughter of Sir Thomas More, the infamous hip-hop star. Had to leap from a pylon to escape the King's sword, and died. Later miraculously recovered and became an actress, married James Bond before going crazy and divorcing him to spend the rest of her life having with horses. Her body has been declared one of the Seven Wonders of the World.
17. Lady Gareth - 1644. Drank orange juice to try and appease the King, it sadly failed, and she was burned as a heathen at the stake.
18. Josephine of Grimsby - 1645. The only information we have on her life is boring.
19. Queen Latifah 2004. Bore him an elephant which brought down the whole house. Was subsequently banned from Hampton Court but she refuses to this day to give up her title.

Where has Henry gone?

Using modern technology, it is possible to extrapolate Henry's current appearance

After the incident with his last wife, Henry began trying to manage his weight. He's since hired a total of 23 personal trainers, 14 of which he devoured before his eating disorder was finally managed with pills and shots of meth.

And then one day, it happened. A red car pulled up to his mansion in Georgia, and a barbarian fellow yelled at him: "FEAST!!!"

He has since spent most of his days touring the United States in search of a magical castle filled with goblins and Snickers candy bars on the East Coast. He is joined by Caligula, a pilgrim, a native of Hawaii, and an overexcitable viking. The bunch is quite fond of singing Greensleeves and feasting upon Snickers bars. Some have referred to them as a choir. The current location of Henry and his friends is somewhere along the Colorado River.

Most recently, though, the boys were held up by a Robin Hood copycat who carried a small dufflebag of chocolate and rode a pink, motor-scooter. This was done at a rest stop in the middle of some God-forsaken forest.