Torchwood

The Torchwood logo used in series one.

“Torchwood: Beyond the Government, outside the police, second left over the flyover, straight on at Budgens, right at the lights and then first left by the Quicksave. The 21st century is when everything changes and you can no longer get away with wearing three-quarter length trousers with vertical stripes and, like, tight, high hotpants that are, like, SO OVER and you've got to be ready.”

~ Captain Jack on umm... I forget

“In Soviet Torchwood, the 21st century gotta be ready for YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Torchwood

“They had me on, once. In less than an hour I'd slept with every conceivable organism in the universe, excepting sheep, which was odd because it was in Wales. They never released the episode because all the sparks flying made the camera explode. The director told me that that stuff happens every few weeks.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Torchwood

Torchwood is a spin-off of Doctor Who for adults. If Doctor Who is chocolate mousse, then Torchwood is Irish coffee. If Doctor Who is kissing, then Torchwood is anal sex. Actually, Torchwood is just generally anal sex.

The show has two series of thirteen sex-packed episodes and one series of five episodes, and a fourth series of an unknown number of episodes, with the latest episode playing right now, probably, somewhere. In a recent interview with a man on the radio, John Wheelbarrowman claimed that a fourth series of thirteen episodes has been planned and will be made "when Sir Russell T Davies OBE gets his finger out"

Torchwood prides itself in being more Welsh than most other programs - insisting that all locations, storylines etc are filmed in Wales. Many Welsh residents have claimed this as unrealistic, since nothing ever happens in Wales. (The only events that do occur are mine closures, sheep abuse, and economic recession.)

The show follows the adventures of Lieutenant Jack "Captain Jack" Black, a 51st-century grifter from 1941 (or possibly a 1941 grifter from the 51st century) and a super-secret group of eccentric experts as they cruise around Cardiff, looking sexy and flashing lots of cool-looking alien gadgets.

Origins of Torchwood

Torchwood creator Rustle My Davies (pre-OBE), seen here brushing off criticisms of his show by pretending they're only the opinions of about ten people on the internet.

It came to pass that one night in 2005 in Cardiff that Russell The Davies, creator of All-New Doctor Who was drinking deep into the night and discussing what else he could spend a substantial amount of BBC monies on. "Make something for BBC Three!", a voice at his knee suddenly declared; he looked down to find it was Ronnie Corbett. "They've always got lots of money going spare and if no one watches it then, good, it doesn't matter, because BBC Three never gets more then ten viewers at any one time anyway. Come up with an idea, any idea - really, I mean ANY idea - and I'll put in a good word with the producer." and with that the pint-sized comedian vanished. For several days, Davies thought it had been a hallucination, but the lingering love bites convinced him it was all real and, as we now all know, Corbett does possess the power to disappear at will.

So, Davies took Corbett's advice and telephoned the Controller of BBC Three deep down in Broadcasting House's darkest dungeon. After arguing with the troll who mans (or trolls) the switchboard, he finally got through to the Controller and pitched his new series idea: "A spin-off from Doctor Who but made specially for grown-ups; I see it as a sexy, cool, naughty-noughties series set in contemporary Cardiff." "I see", said the Controller, "It's going to be Angel only with gay Welsh alien sex, isn't it?", "No, no!" said The Davies, "it's going to be Angel with gay Welsh alien sex, swearing, an invisible lift and a pet pterodactyl! Imagine! All set in Cardiff! I might rip-off some CSI too, that's American isn't it?" "So", continued the Controller, "you want us to spend a substantial wad of license-payers cash on this? And you say you want it in Cardiff?" "Yes indeed!" said Davies, "and I want Eve Myles' prominents to be in it too!" "Proceed to the darkest chamber at the end of the longest corridor in the deepest dungeon," said the Controller. "There you shall find a heavy iron box. Open this and help yourself to the piles of sovereigns inside for making this television programme. Take some for a slap-up feed in Soho as well if you want. Now begone - I must commission another ten series of Little Miss Joceline before someone notices."

Originally the show was going to be called Ow! Hot Cord because this was the anagram of Doctor Who that was written on all the crates the Who footage was stored in during filming in order to stop Ian Levine hiding inside them and masturbating. However, after a very intense "brainstorming" session in the BBC Three dungeon, it was decided that Hot Rod Cow would be a better name.

Torchwood (after Hot Rod Cow died in a freak boating accident) was cunningly "seeded" in the Doctor Who story "Cannon and Ball" when Queen Victoria announces "I shall create a great institute here and call it "Ow! Hot Cord!"." Subsequent broadcasts were redubbed to remove the accidental use of the old name although some fans consider the original broadcast to be "canon" and insist on calling the series by this name.

Setting

John Wheelbarrowman as Captain Jack Black.

Torchwood is set around the activities of the Torchwood Institute, which is, as Captain Jack Black used to note on the opening credits, "above the United Nations, on top of Parliament, way beyond NATO and laughing at the European Union". This then changed in season two to "Torchwood, outside the government, beyond the police. A little below the marines, though. But cooler than the Men in Black. Tracking down alien life on Earth and having sex with stuff. The 21st century is when everything changes...everything except my coat, of course." The Torchwood Insitute was set up by Queen Victoria to protect the British Empire from sexy aliens and Frenchmen. In 1875, Torchwood split into two factions, one that retained the name Torchwood and another that became the Conservative Party; both factions remain sworn to defend the British Empire from aliens, although the Torchwood Institute still concentrates its efforts mainly on sexy aliens. Modern Torchwood continues this theme, with an appropriate amount of man-on-man action in order to appeal to the straight women and gay men watching it.

The show is set in contemporary Cardiff in the same universe as Doctor Who, except that for some reason nobody knows about all the Daleks, Cybermen and other aliens that have plagued the Earth in its parent show. Davies has put this anomaly down to "the unique way Torchwood is written". The action takes place around "Torchwood Three", the third of three branches of Torchwood in Britain. The first branch, Torchwood One, which is based in London, was destroyed by the Daleks and Cybermen in the battle no-one in Cardiff seems to know about. Torchwood Two (the second branch) is in Glasgow, and therefore spends all its time drinking Buckfast and saving Alex Salmond from the Ice Warriors.

Torchwood is notable for displaying a very modern version of Wales. No miners have appeared in the series, leeks are never eaten and Jack only molests sheep off-camera. Additionally, all attempts by Neil Kinnock to appear in the series as "myself, fighting with aliens and sleeping with attractive women!" have been rebuffed.

Characters

The main characters in the show are the Torchwood team, who are:

• Captain Jack Black:. Played by gay megastar John Wheelbarrowman, Captain Jack is a rock star from the 51st century who walks around with a gun, no underpants and a huge grey greatcoat which he never washes. Spent series one standing around on top of a building like Batman for no discernible reason other than Davies thinking it "looked like something you'd find in Angel". Cannot die. Loves everything that exists, including you and your mother. And your father.

• The Welsh One: Played by Eve Myles' tits, the heart of the team who joined in episode one and became the focal point for every episode ever since. Has a boring boyfriend who is occasionally dropped into the plot for no good reason other than that Davies is convinced the viewership is made up of Eastenders fans who need the occasional kitchen-sink moment to make them forget that Torchwood is really all about sexy aliens. Has a massive gap between her front teeth caused by all the oral sex, but also from being the messed up clone of Madonna, in her attempt to become immortal.

The Torchwood team. Note many of them are in drag.

• Wilfred "Rapey" Owen: Played by Mr Guppy off Bleak House, a sex-crazed biologist/writer who died just under a century before the show started, meaning that his corpse had to be tied to hamsters and dragged around by them while a piece of string operated his mouth, until he was restored to life after Jack taught him how real men feel. Lovingly remembered by many fans for the scene in Series One where he got a hard-on whilst lying on The Welsh One and threatened to make her cum until she exploded in a record-breaking orgasm. Died when an ice-cream factory warehouse fell on him in the last episode of series two.

• ItsaloadofTosh Iko Sato: a woman who's good with computers and the most blatant racial stereotyping since the Doctor Who episode "The Slit-eyed Talons of Jackie Chan". Rumoured to be Ianto's Thai Bride when he's not shagging Jack. Got shot by Jack's brother, Gay.

• Ianto 'the one currently shagging Jack' Jones: The team's "secretary" and 'butler' who appeared in episode one for a scene and was not seen again until episode three because he managed to get lost inside the void (Jack's anus). In series two, he has developed a wisecracking persona for no good reason whatsoever, possibly because his previous character resembled crap. Jack does love him, but keeps pressuring him to have a Torchwood orgy. Killed after receiving a Viagra overdose from the 456.

• Super Costco: Dead. Was not Welsh: killed off as soon as possible by Rustle My Davies.

Other Recurring Characters

The team is supported, surprisingly, by a supporting cast of overly Welsh Welsh people.

• Captain Jock Strap: Appeared in the first episode of the second series "Kissy Kissy Bang Bang", arriving in some form of vintage car. Like Suzi Costco, unpleasantly non-Welsh. However, he is most definately gay, so permitted to appear again during the series to have an obligatory kissing scene with Captain Jack Black. In fact, he's so queer that he would give Simon Cowell a run for his money. Basically, Jack Black's evil clone in an army jacket from some other war. Loves to screw everything that exists, including you and your mother. And your father. And your brother. And your sister. And your next-door neighbor with two dozen cats. And the cats. And poodles. And blowfish. And - you get the idea.

• Bilis Manger: Some old guy nobody really cares about. Despite being very gay in a very gay show, he never mentions that he is gay (even though he most certainly is). Owns a shop that sells clocks and travels through time, both of which are popular in the LGBT community. He appears in the last two episodes of the first series and confused everybody who watched. Fred Phelps is not a fan.

• PC Andy Davidson: Erm? Who? Oh yeah, that police guy who turns up every so often in random episodes, normally to make the viewers laugh because he knows nothing about what The Welsh One does. Very boring person.

• Gay: Long thought extinct, Gay is Captain Jack Black's brother and is portrayed by a crayon. Generic character with mysterious past; shoots ItsaloadofTosh Iko when she disagreed with his animal-rights beliefs.

• The Doctor: Scottish Timelord. Oh wait, he's not in it, is he? His hand appeared in series one, though, wanking Captain Jack Black off.

• Rhys Witherspoon: The Welsh One's boring transsexual boyfriend. Not at all sexy despite being very Welsh. Ironically, was the first character to appear nude in the show.

Generic enemies

The gas-mad sex alien (concept artwork)

• Weevil Knievel: Alien life-form that lives in Captain Jack Black's anus. Appears in a few episodes generally reciting poetry and being non-violent and not at all scary. Dies attempting to jump over The Rift in a motorcycle.

• Nostrovites: Eats the shit out of everyone, remind you of someone? (See Weevil.)

• Sex-Mad Gas Alien: "Look at me, I'm an adult show!

• Janey Harper: Its her from 'My Family'. She's an alien as well. Isn't that nice?

• Fairies: Scary old men with wings and green skin who are a little too close to little girls.

• Gas-Mad Sex Alien: "Look at me, I'm an uncreative adult show!!"

• Cyberbitch: A Cyberman handily built by the asexual Cyber-controllers in armour with metal boobs and an exoskeleton that reveals plenty of flesh, almost as though she wasn't designed by asexual cyborgs but by television costumers trying to make her look sexy. This unstoppable killing machine proved useless against a pet pterodactyl thanks to "the unique way Torchwood is written".

• Blowjob Fish: Seen at the beginning of the second series driving around generally looking flashy. Sadly, he's only there for lame fish and chip jokes.

• Sleeper Agents: Not very interesting, as they were just sleeping all the time. They did have dildo arms, though, which was amusing.

• Alan Dale: Enough said.

• Death: A lame version of Death who tries to kill people (how original!)

• "The worst creatures you could imagine": Creatures that attacked Jack's home, the Hoeshane (or McBain) peninsula. Their true identity is unknown, even though they are most definitely Grues.

• ABC... is easy as 456...: Three-headed penis monster with a long-term love of Michael Jackson. And, following in Jacko's footsteps, they want a small selection of the planet's children for shady purposes. Were continually screamed at by children, resulting in numerous court cases crushing them to death, despite protesting that "these allegations are totally false!".

Episode List

Series One

• "Everything Changes, Except For Captain Jack's Jacket". The Welsh One lives in a modern, relevant Cardiff without any sheepshaggers and where everyone has completely forgotten about the Cyberman invasion and the Daleks and all that other stuff. One day, she discovers "Torchwood", a top-secret government organisation who gladly allow pizza-delivery people into their inner sanctum on a regular basis. But what is the secret of the alien hand thing that can resurrect limp penises? Contains gratuitous use of the words "cunt" and "and now on BBC3", as well as loads of bl**dy sw**ring.
  

  Captain Jack Black and Wilfred "Rapey" Owen in "Everything Changes But Captain Jack's Jacket"

• "Look You, Sex Alien, Stop Killing People!". It's all go as Torchwood is on the tail of a gas-mad sex alien that lives off human spunk. Can the team track down the extraterrestrial menace before several gratuitous sex scenes occur? Lets hope to God they don't.

• "Toast Machine" Torchwood finds a cool alien gadget that can tap into the hidden sexual energy left behind by human sex, creating re-creations of the sexual events. When Wilfred Owen uses it as a dildo, he becomes obsessed with the world of lesbian and gay love.

• "Cyber Pizza Delivery Girl" When Ianto hides his computer in Torchwood's basement to have online cybersex with a Pizza Delivery Girl, can he protect his sexual secret from Jack?

• "Small Pricks" Down at the bottom of Jack's garden, among the birds and the bees, there are a lot of little people, called the Poddington Peas.

• "Countryside" A based-on-fact episode of Torchwood about the ordinary lives of villagers in the Brecon Beacons who murder people for fun until Captain Jack Black drives his tractor through their barn. Contains a shocking twist; shocking because it makes no sense in relation to what's happened if you bother thinking about it. There is no sheep molestation involved.

• "Geeks Bearing Gifts" Faced with brand new MSN and internet abilities, Itsa Loda Tosh Iko finds the dangerous underground world of DoctorWhoForum.Com. A murderous Davros fan is following her every move to find out if he really is in Series 4 of Doctor Who, and with time running out, can Itsa Loda Tosh stop him?

• "They Keep Killing Credibility". The Dead One comes back to life as an evil zombie to steal the Welsh One's life force (virginity). Can Captain Jack Black end the wild lesbian sex and save the Welsh One's life by making it a threesome?

• "Fandom Boooos" A CBBC drama featuring a poor ghost boy who just wants to be loved is infiltrated by the Torchwood team, on the trail of the magical marble given to him by a kindly old schoolteacher. Viewers are advised that this episode contains unutterable shit.

An image from "End of Gays" showing the state-of-the-art CGI used in the series finale

• "Out of Storyline". With all current-day storylines exhausted, Russell T Davies teleports a plane from 1953 to the present. Inside the plane are a generic old man with suicidal tendencies, a sex-mad feminist pilot, and a potential rape victim. None can adapt to 2007, and the Torchwood team attempt to greet them by involving them in sexual situations.

• "Wombat Combat". Wilfred Owen befriends a square-headed Hitler-fanboy who loves nothing better than fighting wombats in a cage. But whilst squarehead is bashing the wombat around, Owen is deciding which one to rape first.

• "Captain Jack Black and the Furious Five" Travelling back in time to 1941, the team have sex with lots of horny women whose menfolk are busy fighting Hitler; but who is Billis Manger, the mysterious old Quentin Crisp-alike who likes antique c(l)ocks? Captain Jack Black ends up watching School of Rock instead.

• "End of Gays" A huge monster is released by Bilis Manger, rampaging across Cardiff. But Captain Jack Black is racing to the rescue, in a truck with a huge pack of Chewits on the back. Meanwhile, Wales is held to ransom by alien,s to which the Prime Minister responds: "Hee hee, you can 'ave it, mate."

Series Two

• "Kissy Kissy Gang Bang" When Captain Jack Black's former Cock Agent and parter Captain Jock Strap appears in his vintage car through the rift and puts the whole Torchwood team in danger, what side is Jack on? Most likely he's on top.
• "Sleeping Around" While Jack and the Welsh One save the world from a race of aliens that have sharpened dildos in their arms which can be used to kill people and whose unconventional first-strike towards conquering the Earth is to kill a councillor and blow up a post office; Wilfred, Ianto and Tosh have a massive orgy for 45 minutes.
• "To The Last Flange" Torchwood defrost a handsome young boy from 1918 so Captain Jack can give him his annual cheeky pinch on the arse only for him to fall for Tosh. But their steamy unconventional boy-on-girl lovemaking is interrupted by the need to send him back to the front and be shot for cowardice. That'll teach him to reject Captain Jack Black!
• "Meaty, Beaty, Big and Bouncy" The team discover that a Welsh organised-crime gang are keeping a huge alien penis in a warehouse for nefarious purposes. Needless to say, the Torchwood team want in on the action!
• "Adam's Arse" The team are all hot for floppy-haired tight-bunned young Torchwood member Adam. So hot, in fact, that none of them bothers to inquire where he came from. Before they can do anything, Adam has confusingly given Ianto some of Owen's most-treasured rape memories and reminded Captain Jack Black of his time running away from Daleks on the beach he grew up on, on Tatooine.
• "Resit" Wilfred Owen's shameless arson of the entire left wing of the Sir Russell T. Davies OBE General Hospital, where 'he' trained as a doctor (circa 1910), sadly only results in a resit of his first main medical examination. Wilfred enters the examination room full of confidence; however, he is distracted by a mosquito (or a mayfly, whatever) buzzing on the ceiling, detracting disgracefully from his score. Soon Wilfred becomes obsessed with revenge on the mosquito population, and brings the rest of the team into a high-stakes extermination campaign, at the end of which Wilfred catches malaria and dies, thus setting up the events of the next episode, ie. the team having a massive great party.
• "Dead Man Wanking" Jack brings Wilfred Owen back to life with the Magic Glove of Un-Death. Owen starts babbling about "OOKA GLOB JORSGA PLOOP" or whatever, vomits up lots of Guinness and can't have sex. His undead skills are needed for the finale, however, when he must take part in a wrestling match with Death himself. Owing to the unique way Torchwood is written, Wilfred Owen has a lot of colour and breathes a lot for a dead man.
• "47 Minutes and 13 Seconds in the Death" Wilfred convinces some chick not to kill herself, even though he's dead. Hypocrite.
• "Something Bollocks" The Welsh One has a heavy weight out front that isn't her tits: she's pregnant! Unfortunately, she's due to get married and won't let a little fact like being unexpectedly pregnant get in the way of things. However, when it turns out that a shape-shifting alien with a taste for party DJs' penises has gatecrashed the wedding, it's clear that only Captain Jack Black's enormous weapon can save the day!
• "From Out of Royston Vasey" When a local theater for local people reopens, Papa Lazarou escapes from some old film into the real world, with a traveling funfair full of animals! This episode was not written by Mark Gatiss.
• "Adrift Shit" The Welsh One takes an keen interest in a missing young boy with an overly Welsh mother. She also takes a keen interest in Ianto's package. Jack also does, but its a different package and it certainly isn't in a brown paper bag for him!
• "Fagments" Lots of little bombs go off and oddly all the Torchwood gang survive despite standing right next to them. This is again due to the unique way Torchwood is written. Crazy or what? Captain Jock Strap returns, with extra added gayness!
• "Exit Buffoons"

After being spun off from a more popular series (Buffy), and set in an implausible setting (vampires in California?!), complete with an equally implausible plot generator: a gateway to another world (the hellmouth) which a city (Sunnydale) is built on, and getting through its first years by surprisingly killing off a character (Doyle) early on and occasionally including elements from the original series (Willow/Darla), the program (Angel) has a cliffhanger where the immortal main character (Angel), played by an actor (David Boreanaz) with a single expression (befuddled) and prominent teeth (fangs), is entombed under the surface (of the sea) by a relative (Connor) who hates him due to his failure to save him, but the main character is saved thanks to the intervention of a character (Wesley), played by an American actor (Alexis Denisof) from Buffy, who speaks in a fake British accent, and another character (Cordelia), who has implausibly gained special powers (communing with the Powers-That-Be), disappears off this earthly plane of existence (ascends), despite being loved by another character (Angel).

Oh, I'm sorry, that's "Angel" episodes "Tomorrow" and "Deep Down". Let's try again...

After being spun off from a more popular series (Doctor Who), and set in an implausible setting (aliens in Cardiff?!), complete with an equally implausible plot generator: a gateway to another world (the space-time rift) which a city (Cardiff) is built on, and getting through its first years by surprisingly killing off a character (Suzie) early on and occasionally including elements from the original series (Martha/UNIT), the program (Torchwood) has a cliffhanger where the immortal main character (Captain Jack), played by an actor (John Barrowman) with a single expression (manic grin) and prominent teeth (a triumph of American dentistry), is entombed under the surface (of the ground) by a relative (Gay) who hates him due to his failure to save him, but the main character is saved thanks to the intervention of a character (Captain John), played by an American actor (James Marsters) from Buffy, who speaks in a fake British accent, and another character (Owen), who has implausibly gained special powers (undeath), disappears off this earthly plane of existence (dies), despite being loved by another character (Tosh).

There you go. "Torchwood" episode "Exit Buffoons". Not even slightly similar to "Angel". Rumours that Russell T Davies has been seen in Cardiff library with "Angel" scripts and a large supply of 10p pieces for the photocopier are obviously exaggerated.

Series Three/Children of Woolworth

The third series was set to (finally) guest-star the Doctor (David Duchovny), in addition to former companion Mammoth "Martha" Jones. But it didn't.

Series three was broadcast on wonderful BBC One in both HD and 'normal' flavours in July 2009. Shown over five consecutive nights, it brought the British public gay Welsh alien sex on a daily basis. Like Eastenders, only Welsh.

Day Won

Children around the world stop in the street and say "We are coming", but this isn't Gary Glitter's fantasy land: alien powers have possessed the world's under-18s and only Torchwood can stop them! Unfortunately, Captain Jack Black is put out of action by the best blowjob he's ever had.

Day Too

All the Queen's horses and all the Queen's men can't stop Jack from getting back together again! Meanwhile, the Welsh One is on the run from a frowning female Special Forces agent (sexuality unknown) who wants to kill her and who has plans to make Jack hard. Can Ianto save the day in his forklift truck? John Wheelbarrowman finally gets his arse out.

Day Tree

Mild-mannered British civil servant of unknown sexuality Mr Frobisher talks diplomacy with aliens who, not content with living in a big glass box of fart, shit all over the walls as well.

Day Poor

The Americans send a general to 10 Downing Street (the Secretary of State presumably being busy, or possibly because of the unique way Torchwood is written), he proceeds to be moody and humourless and seems utterly superfluous to the actual story since he simply "orders" the British government to do what they were going to do anyway. This is again thanks to the unique way Torchwood is written. Meanwhile, Rhys cooks some beans. Incredibly, that isn't a euphemism.

Day Hive

Rhys, The Welsh One and several children have fun with a video camera and the aliens, in a possible tribute to the late Michael Jackson, reveal they want the kids to give them pleasure. Meanwhile, Russell The Davies has to think of a way to beat the aliens in two minutes flat, and the clock's ticking...

Series Four/"Season One" in the United States

Torchwood seem to have been defeated by their greatest enemy yet - the complete disinterest of new Doctor Who showrunner Steven MacMoffat. However, they are saved by the surprise intervention of the "good" "old" USA who, from all the foreign sci-fi shows they could watch, decide that they like the one with the gay Welsh alien sex the best.

Miracle Gay: Episode One

With Torchwood closed-down on orders from Steven MacMoffat the Queen, the Welsh One goes to live in a farmhouse and Captain Jack Black pisses off into space to get drunk and then have the Doctor pimp a big-eared alien at him. But back on Earth things are going badly wrong. The President from Independence Day is going to be executed for being a massive dick but the execution doesn't work! Before long nobody anywhere is dying and the Americans decide that only the mysterious Torchwood can help them. So Rex Matheson, a CIA agent with a spear through him, takes a quick trip to Wales where he encounters local colour such as paying a bridge toll and fighting off a black helicopter. He decides to "rendition" The Welsh One and Captain Jack Black to the USA where he promises them a new series.

Episode Two

Captain Jack Black and The Welsh One are bundled onto a B-52 Flying Fortress by undead CIA agent Matheson who has difficulty getting on board due to the massive fucking spear in his chest, at the airport they are joined by Agent Catwoman, another bloody American. During the boring, event-free flight to the USA Jack starts demanding cock which the Catwoman mishears as "coke" and goes to make him a glass of America's finest fizzy brown cure for V.D. However, because she is evil she mixes some viagra into it knowing that since Jack is permanently horny it will cause him to wank himself to death. Meanwhile, the President from Independence Day starts crying on television and says he was sorry for being a massive dick which softens the famously forgiving Americans. Back on the B-52, Captain Jack Black is starting to sweat and unbutton his 1941 woolen slacks to have "the King of all wanks!" so The Welsh One phones the local chemist to ask what to give an incurably horny 2000 year old man. The Chemist suggests "a blowjob" so The Welsh One sucks Jack off and spits her enormous mouthful at the evil Catwoman, breaking her neck. They land in the United States where the fun continues.

Episode Three

Torchwood, the undead CIA agent and a blonde girl they've picked-up along the way (probably for sex) follow a tip-off under duress from the fat guy out of off of Jurassic Park and find a warehouse full of drugs: "Somebody knew all about these people not dying. All along!" says Captain Jack Black "And now they want to give them drugs! Just say no, adults!". Everyone goes their separate ways to fuck someone - Undead Matheson decides to introduce his ex-wife to his "spear" and Captain Jack Black goes to a gay bar and gets someone else's arse out, The Welsh One just watches her husband on a webcam, although I suppose that's quite kinky. Meanwhile, the President out of Independence Day gets beaten-up in the street by people who saw the film and then crawls his way to a TV studio.

Episode Four

The US is rocked to its political foundation as someone representing the Tea Party shows up and says "LOL I hate these people who aren't dead, so does Jesus" or something. She gets turned into a giant metal dice later anyway, in fact I'm not even sure why she was in it. Meanwhile, the President out of off of Independence Day has become a massive media star for some reason.

Episode Five

Why are the US and European governments attaching pegs to people and moving them into giant, and very unsubtle, copies of Nazi concentration camps? Why do evil corporations in sci-fi always have dystopian names like PhiCorp and not real life stupid names like LiveHappy? Anyway, perforated CIA agent Matheson gets a red peg (and that's not a euphamism, you filthy bastards) and discovers the horrible truth: they are burninating people! Just like the Nazis, then. Subtle stuff, this. Maybe PhiCorp people will goosestep around with armbands next episode.

Episode Six

Matheson penetrates the Nazi death camps, then gets penetrated by a pen before his penetrator is shot by a US soldier with the most "loveable loser" face since William H Macey. Meanwhile, Captain Jack talks to a man in a restaurant. That's about it, really.

Episode Seven

We're shown some of Captain Jack's past (S)exploits as he enjoys a delicious Italian in 1920s New York City. After they've finished, they decide to become bootleggers and then Jack decides he wants to be the Doctor but with an uncontrollable sex drive rather than a TARDIS. Jack and his Italian boyfriend fall out, though, after Jack discovers that he causes too much Catholic guilt. Meanwhile, back in 2011, not much happens. Then some smirking villains in suits show up. Somewhere a script editor is realising that this might have worked better over five episodes...

Episode Eight

Jack discovers that his hot Italian has turned into a really old man who's nearly dead, but he tries to make out with him anyway. Incredibly, this kills the old dude but it's not just Jack, it's the magic doodah he had under his bed. Meanwhile the President off of Independence Day hires a prostitute but even she thought he was a dick in that film so he punches her and then goes on the run. To Cardiff, obviously.

Episode Nine

The gang (as we now have to call them) goes to Shanghai where they encounter the Total Perspective Vortex Blessing which is keen to suck Jack off; well, his blood anyway.

Episode Ten

Jack tries to empty himself into the Total Perspective Vortex Blessing as part of a protracted Mexican standoff with the bad guys who are families or something... no-one really cares at this stage since we've been fed so many red herrings. Anyway, Jack doesn't need to do anything because fortunately Rex has been filled with his fluid and can do the same anyway by opening his heart to everyone. The President off of Independence Day Blows himself up and, thanks to Jack's juice, everything is back to normal. Except it's not: now that Rex has been filled with Jack's fluid he's just like him!

Critical reaction to Torchwood

During its intitial run in 2006, a number of Britain's most god-awful TV critics decided that we really wanted to know what they thought of it.

Ian Trotsky in The Guardian, reviewing the first episode, said "I thoroughly enjoyed the invisible lift which I felt opitimised contemporary Cardiff but I've no idea what that fucking oil-drinking, blood-soaked Yank is doing leading a so-called British team; perhaps next series George W Bush himself will be giving them orders directly if it hasn't been filled with his Neocon mates by then. The team also 'protects' Britain from 'aliens'; I think we all know what this really means. Why not just hand over writing duties to Richard Littlejohn full-time and be done with it?! This isn't the sort of thing that should be on the BBC, although the corporation doesn't have a left-wing bias".

Percy Hitler for the Daily Mail in his semi-regular TV column "Last Night's Socialist Propaganda Masquerading As Entertainment" called the episode "Gay Machine" "...a danger to children. Whilst this series seems to find amusement in a team containing one person of non Anglo-Saxon blood ,there are still some of us who have standards, called 'old-fashioned' by the screeching AIDS-ridden communists of the BBC, who find this sort of thing offensive. Supposedly this "Torchwood" hunts down aliens, but surely the EU and New Labour would be screaming about the monster's so-called "extraterrestrial rights" and allowing them to eat our livers? Having Cybermen living next door and electrocuting your children probably counts as "cultural diversity" in Blair's Britain! Having an episode revolve around a sexual machine as this series did is simply filth. I've a good mind to dig up Mary Whitehouse, sit her in mother's armchair and let her see it for herself."

In a "Special Report", Randy Littlerichard in the Daily Express penned an angry response to the show under the headline "Daily Express Crusade Against Sodomy". "The gay agenda has gone too far!" he wrote for the seventh time that month "In this new BBC show Torchwood, which I'm told is created by known homosexual Russell T(he) Davies, all manner of sexual depravity is shown. Children watching can see grown men kissing and touching each other's private places. I am sure it won't be too long before Captain Jack Black and a thickset man, perhaps one with a moustache in leathers with a nice, tight, arse whom he picked up from a bar in Cardiff where those kind of boys hang out, take their clothes off to reveal their waxed chests and well-defined bodies; bodies that have working out at the gym and attained a peak of physical perfection. Then they'll start licking each others big balls, tasting the salty sweat with their hungry tongues. Imagine the shock of seeing Captain Jack Black whipping down those teasing trousers and grasping his manly, veined trunk of a penis by the base and pushing it into the other man's inviting anus. Then you'll be forced to witness...". It continued in this manner over several pages.

Hecktor von Crusty in The Independent was so overcome by fury at the fact Torchwood drive a 4x4 that he has refused to acknowledge that the series exists in his regular TV column "Turn Off Your Television, It's Killing The Planet".

Jeremy Choffle-Whiskers the Daily Telegraph's TV critic of forty years said he "enjoyed the way they dealt with aliens and women" but noted "I cannot help but feel that the show glorifies the agents of a statist and bureaucratic organisation which would surely be much more efficient if handed over to the private sector, and therefore I'm not convinced that this is the sort of show Lady Thatcher might enjoy. I, for one, spotted several employees of this Torchwood who were surplus to requirements, and I must confess I was furious at the waste of taxpayers' money that all those fancy flatscreen monitors represented, until I remembered that it was a mere television show! It was too late, though: I'd already soiled my binbag."

Spod Hargreaves, writing in SFX magazine said "It's not as good as Doctor Who and men keep kissing other men, making me have shameful feelings in my downstairs".

Overall, the show was extremely well received and a huge success.

See also

• Doctor Who
• Friendly Neighbourhood Cyberman