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Behold, mortal! Thou hast walkest into the wild and wicked halls of evil that go by the name of Un-Bestiary. Here, thou shalt finde the records of beastes so terrible, so woeful, so devious,that thou shalt shudder at the very sight of their name. Ye fearsome Grue will be the least of thine troubles, as thou dost meetest the thousands of creatures of yore archived withal Uncyclopedia.

If thou hast cometh upon the lair of a creature so fearsome that it doth makest thee fear for thine very existence, for the love of all things goode, add the records of that same beaste to this collection of creatures! But mindest ye these commandments of doom:

  1. Thou shalt placest the creature's name alphabetically.
  2. Thou shat use the proper Un-Bestiary formatting ere adding thy fearsome beast. Lo, this dost meaneth: 'Name in Header, followed by Image, then "{{Main|<Creature name>}}", Main text, [[<Creature Name>|More]]..."
  3. Thou shalt, when thou speake of thine brute, liste its traits, gruesome appearance, and habits of feeding upon the flesh of humans. Thou shalt also provide a picture of thine beaste.
  4. Thou shalt addest Category:UnBestiary to the creature's article before thou create the entry on this page.
  5. Thou shalt NOT plagiarize articles, whither thou wishest to be fed to the Fearsome One. Paraphrasest and summarizest! Or lie.
  6. Thou shalt not add a non-beast into the Un-Bestiary.

Now, mortal, beginst thou heroic quest to finde the most fearsome fiends of all!



Agent 001, in disguise and licensed to chew.
Main article: 001

001 was the sidekick and mentor of James Bond, Agent 007. Agent 001 was mostly unseen and unsung in many covert operations, often performing dangerous acts except when it required an operative to hang upside down. If that would ever happen, 001's eyeballs would fall out. If the situation required 007 to take a bullet, 001 would always quickly substitute a waiting Jackie Chan, heavily disguised, to take the punishment.

001 trained 007 in the arcane art of concealment behind couches and potted plants. As an expert in 14 languages, 001 also taught Bond how to speak in a convincing Lithuanian accent in order to steal a Soviet submarine.


500 foot Jesus[edit]

The 500 foot Jesus begins his assault on planet Earth.

The 500-foot Jesus (also known as “Big J.C.”) is an enormous machine of destruction, and a possible metaphor for some kind of religious-atomic bomb. The 500 foot Jesus is best known for his assault on the world's cities, and his duels with well-known supervillians Santa Hitler, fire breathing al gore and Robo-Hitler. As you may have guessed, the 500 foot Jesus is exactly 500 feet tall and could therefore kick just about anything's ass.


500 foot tall turd monster[edit]

Things could be much, much worse than this as you can well imagine.

The 500 foot tall turd monster does not, as popularly thought, leave 500 foot tall turds lying around the landscape, much to the relief of scientists who apparently study such things. Once thought to be extinct, the creature came out of the jungles of Malaysia quite recently into a hypermodern Singapore. Due to extensive logging, the monster had run out of the ancient hardwood trees it had used in lieu of toilet paper. Unable to find a shop selling jumbo toilet paper and with giant diapers impossible to find, Singapore went to the Brunei Bogroll Bureau for help, which was able to airlift proper sized rolls before an accident happened. A nearly completed stadium had plumbing added and was converted into a toilet.

As Singapore has strict rules when, where and how its citizens can take a dump, the beast must follow suit. This enables tourists to view and experience the massive creature sitting on the pot daily.



Abominable Snowman[edit]

The only confirmed photo of a Yeti and the rare Himalayan Snow poodle.
Main article: Abominable Snowman

The Abominable Snowman or Yeti is a large white furry bipedal creature native to the Tibet region of the Himalayas, Death Valley, California (US) and Hollywood Boulevard in Hollywood, California (US). Sightings in the last two areas have been attributed to lack of water and psychotropic drugs respectively, but since they were made near Walmarts, they are likely genuine encounters.

The Abominable Snowman has proven to be elusive over decades of searching, refusing all requests for autographs, selfies, souvenir hands and souvenir scalps. Reports of the creature predate the late 1960s, so the beast cannot be a lost hippie wandering in the snows. It cannot be a fictional animal as so many mountain climbers have reported seeing it just as their cameras jammed or had run out of film. However, the links between yetis, sasquatches, vampires, UFOs, Atlantis and ley lines remain evident so long as your tinfoil hat is on straight.


American Politician[edit]

Main article: American Politician

The American Politician is a common household pest across most of the United States, although one turns up in Canada every once in a while. Originally created as a big "screw you" to King George III, these pesky buggers now control most of the free world.



An Ammonite in prayer outside the Institute for Advanced Studies of Garbage Receptacles.
Main article: Ammonite

Ammonites are large benthic (deep-sea) creatures otherwise called ammonoids. The Ammonites themselves are members of a breakaway religious sect combining Christian orthodoxy with Cthulhu cult practices. Even in biblical times when Ammonites were strict Baptists, conflicts arose time and again with Jews. As heretics in any case, they were mercilessly persecuted by the Catholic Church for hundreds of years. Only the lack of submarines prevented their elimination by the forces of the Spanish Inquisition.

Today, Ammonites are quite mainstream within the framework of wacko cults present today. The Ammonite practices of "fish on Fridays if they have less than four sets of eyes" and "skipping church when a good game is on television", have been adopted generally by religious and non-religious people alike.



An anteater-eater about to spring its trap.
Main article: Anteater-eater

Anteater-eaters are the only animals known to prey on anteaters. They are few in number, as their habitat is deep in the ocean where few if any anteaters dwell. Therefore they usually scavenge what they can there from shipwrecks and also live on lost beach balls and tub toys. When they do make a rare hunting trip on land, they use an ant-shaped lure to attract their victims. The ant-shaped lure, part of their body attached by a long stalk, is often 20 cm (8 inches) long. This is rather large for an ant, but it is effective as anteaters have poor vision.

Anteater-eaters only have two enemies, the anteater-eater eater and the anti-anteater-eater. They are equally rare as they both reside in the Himalaya Mountains, far from anteater-eaters. They are fiercely competitive with each other to see who has the best anteater-eater hunting story.


Arkan Sonney[edit]

Arkan Sonneys always know the winner of the TT Cup race. It will cost you your firstborn child to find that out.
Main article: Arkan Sonney

The Arkan Sonney is a piglike fairy inhabiting the Isle of Man. It usually tries to avoid humans but will prank anyone seen eating Spam. Intelligent design advocates contend that Manx cats are tailless due to Arkan Sonneys pulling them off but Lamarckian biologists note that the tails are invisible and are shed like deer antlers every year.

If you capture an Arkan Sonney, it can lead you to gold and treasure. However, you will often be led to other humans with gold fillings, and treasure will consist of the better chip shops in the area, which is not a bad thing. Otherwise, an Arkan Sonney living near you house can mean good luck, just not for you.




Life-size statue of the babr in an Irkutsk square, with original restored toy piano.
Main article: A State Secret

The babr is a Siberian big cat species now thought to be extinct.

In the depths of the Stalinist era, a babr wandered into the Siberian city of Irkutsk, carrying a child's toy piano. Residents watched in fear as the beast set down the piano in the middle of a town square, then suddenly began to play. The babr performed many favorites like Dark Eyes, Katyusha, Polyushko-polye and Kalinka. The people were astounded but not necessarily pleased as the creature was a terrible player. Still, they mostly conceded that it did pretty well since its piano had only 12 keys. Officials gave it a sable as a reward in the hope that it would leave. Instead, it stayed and would play Heart and Soul continually until being given something to eat. The babr disappeared in 1952, assumed to have been taken away by music-loving secret police.

Extinct, we said...

Barney the Pedosaurus Rex[edit]

The Satanic purple beast himself.
Main article: Barney the Dinosaur

Not to be confused with Barney Frank, this purple monstrosity is a known predator of small children. He made his own show on TV, tricking people into thinking he is a non-violent DinoChristian. He is actually a fat purple child molester and a minion of Satan.



Vatican City, home of the Whopper.
Main article: Basilica

Any one of the very large, snake-like reptiles. Basilicas can grow to enormous proportions. The most famous, and largest, basilica is St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City, which is also the very first of these beasts. Other notable basilicae include Godzilla (Basilica halitosisia), Bowser (Plumberibus archnemisus), and Kraid (Basilica spacia).



Don't let his cuteness distract you.
Main article: Bigfoot

Bigfoot was born to Alistair and Jenette Crandall in 1954. Early in life, his grades were poor, thus leading to his infamous career killing people camping in the woods.


Bipolar bear[edit]

If this isn't a Bipolar bear, I don't know what is.
Main article: Bipolar bear

Moodily roaming the Arctic, the Bipolar bear is a familiar sight to Inuit already dealing with a harsh world. While their laughter in their moderately "up" periods is infectious, nobody wants to put up with them when they go on a manic rampage in their "totally up" periods. Throw in Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) during a six-month long winter and it is clear why no penguins want to live in the Arctic.

As Bipolar bears had the correct attitude needed, director Stanley Kubrick hired several to star in A Clockwork Orange (shown). However, they proved extremely difficult to work with, and were often at loggerheads with Kubrick, who was always quite "difficult" himself. When a Bipolar bear destroyed a camera while Kubrick was busy destroying the cameraman, all bears were fired and replaced with a human cast.


Blue-ringed octopus[edit]

Since they are stealthy and able to avoid the gaze of lifeguards, you must learn how to recognize the blue-ringed octopus to avoid death.
Main article: Blue-ringed octopus

The Blue-ringed octopuses are four species found around the world, one of the few cephalopods that are venomous and fatal to humans. While normally camouflaged, when Blue-rings are disturbed, they will change to a bright color and show their characteristic blue rings. By the time a swimmer or diver notices, they are usually quite dead. While their primary diet is small crabs and shrimp, Blue-ringed octopuses will not hesitate to attack humans in order to eat any interesting snacks they are carrying.

As one of their habitats is Australia, Blue-rings can be found there lurking in bathtubs, toilets and outdoor drinking fountains, jostling for a spot alongside all the other poisonous animals hiding in those places. Therefore, it is best to avoid water altogether and drink beer as any rational Australian does.


Britainy Spear[edit]

Corrected carving showing Christ's side pierced by Recurvirostra longinus, not a Roman soldier named Longinus.
Main article: Britainy Spear

The Britainy Spear is a wild bird with a piercing cry that ranges across European nations straddling the English Channel. It is a favourite amongst bird watchers, photographers and local police. This is despite or perhaps because of its erratic behaviour, rightfully earned. Its general nature has been described as "right stabby", often seen after returning from being blown off course to drug-growing regions in the Americas.

Flocks of Britainy Spears will often get stuck in heavy sand or beachgoers and require rescue by volunteers. They are on endangered species lists rated as "TS" (threatened but sleazy) whilst the volunteers are rated as "loonybuckets".


British Hedgehog[edit]

A fully mature British Hedghog protests the use of the word 'hedge' in hedge fund.
Main article: British Hedgehog

This unique species of hedgehog is not what it seems. It is actually a colony of highly organized fleas, with soldier fleas guarding the main colony by brandishing toothpicks on the outer perimeter. These colonies can grow to enormous size and can live for hundreds of years. Their long lives explain their lack of enthusiasm for the EU, as the oldest British Hedgehogs remember what the Romans did to the Iceni in 61 CE.

Today, the British Hedgehog is on the threatened species list after they invested all their money in hedge funds in the early 2000s. In the aftermath of the 2008 recession, they were shocked to find their investments were generally in mythical financial instruments rather than shrubbery and the like. It is thought that the animals are seeking revenge and are plotting a terrorist campaign consisting of writing strongly worded letters to the Times.

More, please...

Bull mouse[edit]

Savage fight to the death.
Main article: Bull mouse

The bull mouse is popular among small-game hunters for its magnificent antlers, which can stretch up to 4 to 5 inches across. Although they may approach humans, bull mice are are to be feared: A mouse that decides someone has crossed into their "personal space" will knock down the offender and kick and stomp until the threat stops moving.


Bunny Shark[edit]

Easily mistaken for the Easter Bunny, the Bunny Shark holds sway over most of the world's oceans and waterparks.
Main article: Bunny Shark

Easily confused with the Easter Bunny when it appears in the spring of years divisible by 17, small children should be made aware of the difference in tails with respect to Bunny Sharks. Unfortunately, the latter don't often show their tails readily. Thus, the main way of telling the difference is to feed a carrot to the creature. The Easter Bunny will readily nibble at the carrot while a Bunny Shark will eat the upper half of any child's body in one bite. The Easter Bunny will also leave eggs, either real or plastic, while the Bunny Shark will leave a trail of devastation.



A bunyip enjoying a XXXX beverage.
Main article: Bunyip

One of the earliest biological weapons in history, bunyips are deadly Australian creatures, originally suspected to be hobgoblins of the unimagination. They enjoy XXXX beverages, swimming, and infant flesh. However, careful research and wanton cruelty towards them have indicated that they are, in fact, just regular hobgoblins.



El burrito, como la mayoría de la fauna de México, es delicioso pero mortal.
Main article: Burrito

El burrito (Pasteles carnei) es una bestia de carga muy pequeña que es apenas más grande que la cucaracha Mexicana, y casi dos veces tan delicioso y picante. El pequeño burrito lindo es tan asombrosamente fotogénico que ninguna cámara fotográfica en la Tierra puede hacerle justicia, así que se nos fuerza a colocar un diagrama evolutivo aburrido...




A Cabbage gloats over the skulls of its defeated enemies.
Main article: Cabbage

Try to fucking eat it. Just fucking try.

A cabbage can kill you just by looking at you funny. They rip people in half all the time, and roll around in their bloody entrails. They wouldn't even think twice about tearing off your arm, and jamming it through your eyesocket so that the fingers are sticking out your mouth, and then kicking you in the nuts, which would make you BITE YOUR OWN FINGERS OFF. The purpose of the cabbage is to flip out and KILL.


Camouflage rubber duck[edit]

Does this look good to take a bite in?

The camouflage rubber duck is a wild species of the rubber duck that roams to eat prey. Camouflage rubber ducks have been infamous for causing destruction and blasting and humping the natural habitat of regions they spread on. Humans hunt camouflage rubber duckies for their camouflage skin that can be used to make camouflage lunchboxes and camouflage coats.



Chocobos are used primarily in civil war re-enactments.

Chocobos are bird-like mammals used for many recreational and theatrical purposes. They come in many colors and flavors, and do not taste like chicken, so stop asking me. Of the different colors of chocobo, none is more desired than the Gold Chocobo, whose name,like all chocobos can be spelled with or without a capital C. There are also over 20 different ways to say the plural of chocobos/chocobo/Chocobo/Chocobos/chocobbi/chocobies.

No more soup or chocobos for you...


Main article: El Chupacabras

El Chupacabra (also known as the chupa-thingy) is a mythical beast that lives on the island of Puerto Rico. This creature is believed to be half man and half guido. This creature known in Spanish as the goat sucker has been seen spending most of its time in clubs in New Jersey.


Coffee dinosaur[edit]

The moment when a dinosaur realizes that she forgot the pastry that her boss wanted.
Main article: Coffee dinosaur

Coffee dinosaurs (Missusolsenus caffeinoramae) were first discovered in the Montana badlands in 1982. While there is only indirect evidence of coffee growing in the region, fossils showed signs of extreme jitters in the species as they died. Archaelogists postulated that this was due to caffeine overload and withdrawal as they saw the same behavior in themselves when working on excavations.

This is supported by evidence left by the meteor strike that caused the Triassic-Jurassic extinction and wiped out most of the dinosaurs. A very thin layer of what turns out to be iridium-laced spilled coffee was found in the geological record. Scientists are now split on whether dinosaurs took their coffee black, cream and two sugars, or went for fancier stuff.


Cookie Monster[edit]

Cookie Monster is a whore.
Main article: The Cookie Monster

The Cookie Monster (not to be confused with the raccilla) was first mentioned in Oscar Wilde's fourth book Tales from the Street. Originally created as a metaphor for all things evil, this creature soon came to represent more pleasant things such as pornography and funerals. Children are told of how the Cookie Monster will bring gifts to the good children, and kill the families of children who say he does not exist.

Recent scientific tests have proven beyond all doubt that the Cookie Monster is a real entity, although he may usually go by the alias George Foreman. The Cookie Monster is 892 years old.

The Cookie Monster has been the subject of huge media attention after displaying his abnormal eating disorders on the popular freak show program Sesame Street. His eating disorder is thought by many sociologists to have influenced a majority of Americans, which is why they are so fat.




A young anime girl is chased by several demons.
Main article: Demon

A type of mouse commonly found roving the highways of Middle England with the intent of giving small children their daily allowance of chocolate. Not to be confused with a rabbit.


Devil sheep[edit]

The devilish Devil sheep up to more deviltry.
Main article: Devil sheep

The Devil sheep are the spawn of Satan that look like normal sheep except for having red glowing eyes, spitting flames and causing sparks when their hooves strike the ground. They are also known for decorating their pastures with the skulls of feral dogs and humans who have tried to attack them.

For thousands of years, Devil sheep and humans rarely crossed paths. Then a Greek named Jason decided he needed a sweater that could not be bought off the rack and sailed his ship in search of legendary wool. The first island he reached had Devil sheep, and he caught one. He was immediately struck by lightning and turned into a pile of ash. Afraid of how Jason's mother would react, the crew got together and decided what excuses they would make. These tall tales would form a series of adventures that Jason supposedly had before he was killed. The crewmen then went to the flea market and bought a sheepskin car seat cover and painted it gold to bring back to his mother.



The famous painting of DinoJesus by Leonardo Donatello Michaelangelo-Raphael DiCraprio
Main article: DinoJesus

DinoJesus, a.k.a. Raptor Jesus, roamed the Earth circa 90,000,000,000-65,000,000,000 BC, long before the days of Regular Jesus. He lived back in the day when God Himself was still only a teenager. God was going through kind of a rebellious phase. Rather than making beings in His own image, He populated the Earth entirely with giant lumbering reptiles. Unwilling to enter his world and change things himself, God created DinoJesus. DinoJesus's primary role on Earth was to convert the dinosaurs from the paganistic theory of Evolution, and foster a new belief in Intelligent Design. Opponents of his theory, primarily the darn Romans, viciously attacked him, condemning him and his followers to extinction.


Dish Monster[edit]


The Dish Monster is a creature that lives in apartments across the world. These insidious creatures consume living-mates food, and shit dishes in to the sink, pissing off everyone in the apartment. They are believed to be related to the Loch Ness Monster, as well as dinosaurs and the Chupacabra.


Slow and irritating like post-nasal drip.
Main article: Dodongo

Dodongos are large beasts that inhabit caves and volcanoes. Slow and ponderous but still dangerous, Dodongos of all types are all self-styled nanny-types. They all have loud voices, the better to make loud and theatrical coughing noises when someone or something is seen to be smoking or vaping, even outdoors. A dodongo will order everyone to stand in a single line when that has never proved necessary and will demand absolute quiet even in the middle of a playground full of children.

This behavior is in contrast with dodongos being loud mouth breathers, with flammable bad breath besides. However, their open mouths are perfect for dropping a bomb or two down their throats. If you are without a bomb, just wait a few minutes for a pointy-eared kid to show up and watch the show.


Drop Bear[edit]

An adorable baby Drop Bear.
Main article: Drop Bear

Drop Bears are a fearsome mutant species of Australian marsupial that prey on unsuspecting American and Japanese tourists, but have been known to attack stupid locals who venture too far into known areas of infested forest. They drop down from trees... DUH.

Don't look up...

Dust Bunny[edit]

The Dust Bunny: he just keeps rolling along.
Main article: The Dust Bunny

The Dust Bunny is the only holiday icon that actually exists. Mom and Dad need do nothing to encourage The Dust Bunny, who visits every year on Eureka Vacuum Day. The Dust Bunny brings gifts for all, no matter that they are adult or child, good or bad. And in the spirit of the holiday, the traditional gifts are more dust bunnies. Everyone always gets more than expected. For good children, dust bunnies are carefully placed under their beds for them to find when they wake. For bad children, The Dust Bunny stuffs as many dust bunnies as he can deep in their sinus cavities.

Thus, the whole family can share the same seasonal allergies, scratching themselves and each other. Passing Kleenex boxes around and taking turns wheezing and honking renews a family tradition that will be remembered forever.

More..., with Even more here...


Energizer Bunny[edit]

Fuzzy Pink Bastard

The bloodthirsty mascot of Wikipedia's battery company, the Energizer Bunny is a dangerous foe. And just when you think he's done killing the masses, he just keeps going and going and going and going....


This is what an Eurg looks like after it has eaten you.

Eurgs are the antipode to grues. "Antipode" is a very old Latin word meaning "equally nasty little creature". Eurgs are quite the opposite of grues in every respect. Except for one. They want to eat you, too. You thought you could get off easy, didn't you? Too bad! Eurgs are about 42 feet high. There are 74 eurgs currently living in the United States. This would qualify them for endangered species status but eurgs don't like environmentalists. At least not without ketchup.



A Final Fantasy Fantard.
Main article: Fantard

The fantard is a human subspecies that is even more dangerous than grues and can easily beat a fanboy in seconds.One might not seem much,but they wilk always come at masses of 20-30, looking for the critic prey or troll invaders to attack with. And they will even ruin and suffocate the fandom they subside, by drawing the gay couple that is the most fathfoming of eyes.What is even worse is, they will attack using a way even the normal trolls will never imagine. The only savior against this ferocious creature is 4Chan and the EDiots of somewhere.


Feral Midgets[edit]

Midgets in their natural habitat.
Main article: Feral midgets

Fear not the Feral Midget, for although it can be a dangerous creature-- by default-- they are peaceful, only coming out of their underground chambers to gather food and offer midget sacrifices to their eight-headed midget god. Not to be confused with midges, a much more vexing and evil creature.



Firesheep are very convenient for outdoor gatherings. Just don't tell them what's on the grill.
Main article: Firesheep

Firesheep, along with phoenixes, are the only animals existing today that spontaneously burst into flame at one time or another. They luckily roam areas with extensive asbestos deposits. Clumsy firesheep have been known to ignite volcanic eruptions. Today, firesheep have become honored guests at the Burning Man Festival so long as they are equipped with fire extinguishers.

Many gods have attempted to manifest themselves as firesheep, with mixed results. The Christian god Morton tried to appear to Moses as an impressive firesheep, but set the landscape on fire and burned himself to ashes while waiting for the old man to show up. Luckily, His earlier experience as a ventriloquist made it look like a still-burning bush was speaking. The Hindu god Gosht appeared as a firesheep but was immediately grabbed by His starving followers, chopped into chunks and covered in gravy. Indian cows laugh about this to this day. Buddha would sometimes appear as a firesheep but it only confused people throughout India and Asia who ran off to get buckets of water.


Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish[edit]

The rest of the fish are hiding.

The Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish is --as its name suggests-- a fish within a fish within a fish within a fish within another fish. Often prone to uncaring, angry fishermen, drunken stagger, and poisonous seaweeds, the Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish is regarded as one of the highest-quality seafoods in their world. It is also one of the most difficult foods to prepare, as the Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish is five times the fish and therefore five times the warrior. Like Aquaman, only not so gay. Sikon is trying to hunt these to extinction.



Furries, having captured humans, but not any other kinds of people, for some stupid reason.
Main article: Furries

The infamous fur-covered cartoon beasts also known as "funny animals"—although the jury is still out on if they're funny strange or funny ha-ha. Furries were born when a computer virus created by a corrupt Sonic the Hedgehog game mutated and begun to infect people, first altering their personalities and then their physical characteristics. The transformation continues until the victim is covered wth fur, mutated ears, a tail, and their mind is altered by the virus so several are Naked Mole Rats. They were shunned by the people who have come up with a vaccine for the Virus (Used only on two known people: Jimbo Wales and Dr. Ivo Robotnik) and then rebelled to overthrow people/neopet society. Furries are part of a vast worldwide conspiracy to dominate the world with gratuitous use of Walt Disney cartoons and subliminal messages hidden in MTV videos.



A smiling Fusestopper in the face of chance it might get gotten.

Are creatures from the Impossible Quiz that defuse bombs when you clicked its icon.


~ Fusestopper on defusing bombs

their natural habitat is in questions



Gamers fought many a bloody battle during the Nintendo Revolution.
Main article: Gamers

While ostensibly people, Gamers are not people in the traditional sense. They possess the uncanny ability to play video games with deep interest for more than five minutes, and some have super-person mental capacity (though they normally use it to store information about video games). They show no indication of having energy most of the time, but are known to receive random bursts every few years to fight in the Great Console Wars. Despite many warnings from the Surgeon General, people don't understand the strange nature of these semi-people.



Gamera in float mode.
Main article: Gamera

Gamera is an enormous jet-powered flying turtle that can breath fire like most reptiles and amphibians. He is as short-tempered as any overly large animal like Godzilla and has readily fought any challengers to his territory, which happens to be the Earth.

Yet despite his surly nature, Gamera is known in Japan as "The Friend to Children", though children have saved his butt more times than can be counted. This nickname was brought into question when Gamera was sued by parents of children involved in what was termed a "sleepover". This lawsuit was settled out of court in 2004 with undisclosed terms.



Behold, the Gazebo egg. Its mother is somewhere nearby.
Main article: Gazebo

Gazebos are very large creatures of legend, some growing as large as small houses, though the largest is by far the Emperor Gazebo, which grown to an astonishing 50 meters in height. All gazebos start their lives as shiny, perfectly round eggs planted by the mother gazebo, but soon hatch as Trellises. In this stage of life, the young Gazebo fends for itself by covering its body in a plant-like material for camouflage while feeding on a diet of puppies and kittens that wander too close to its kill zone.


Gelatinous cube[edit]

Many myths about the gelatinous cube were dispelled, when the National Geographic issue featuring them made it to news stands in 1986, bringing this gentle and elusive creature to the public eye.
Main article: Gelatinous cube

The Gelatinous cube is a creature that was discovered by National Geographic, consisting entirely of poisonous goo. For this reason, it needs little protection or concealment from predators. No, the Gelatinous cube does not come from Cuba (land of cubes), but rather from the mystical plane of Mordor.


Giant enemy crab[edit]

A Giant enemy crab.
Main article: Giant enemy crab

Giant enemy crabs are a rare species of crab found along the Japanese coast. Although they were once fairly commonly distributed along the Japanese archipelago, extensive hunting and planned attacks on spawning sites have caused the number of giant enemy crabs to severely dwindle, especially during the early 20th century. Giant enemy crabs are the largest species of crab in the world; unfortunately, they are also the most hostile and the worst tasting type of crab as well.


Giant enemy plant[edit]

The Venus Fly-Trap like subspecies is common throughout the mushroom kingdom.
Main article: Giant enemy plant

Yet another common cyber-foe, Giant enemy plants are considered a staple enemy among many dungeons, caves or similar gloomy dark area. They appear in a wide variety of shapes, sizes, colors and attack strategies without having a noticeable weak spot. Notoriously dangerous, they attack with their sharp-toothed mouths (sometimes multiple), scythe-like arms, poisonous acids and toxic sludge.


Giant Space Beetle[edit]

A curious Giant Space Beetle pranks astronomers attempting to use the Hubble telescope.
Main article: Giant Space Beetles

Giant Space Beetles infest the more rotten parts of the universe, which happens to include the Earth. They are attracted to the shiny reflective surfaces of the International Space Station and visit the station often. Initial fears of spacewalking astronauts being eaten have proven to be unfounded, although on occasion, beetles will try to feed them bags of garbage previously ejected by the station. The insects have laid eggs on the station which have since hatched into pupae, providing resident astronauts with "girlfriends" and "boyfriends".


Gila monster[edit]

Gila monster in its natural abode.
Main article: Gila monster

The Gila monster is a venomous reptile living in the southwestern United States. When not busy pwning each other, the animals were once the greatest of internet trolls. Today, most are efficiently blocked from being on most any discussion board or social media site. Gila monsters now spend their time binge-watching cartoons and are so out of the mainstream that they think Bing is the greatest search engine of all time. They are easily avoided as their constant bitter weeping can be heard some distance away.



GINO and the devastated Museum of Modern Art.
Main article: GINO

In 1998, with the original Godzilla in retirement and New York City in urgent need of urban renewal, his nearest relative, Gino (stylized as GINO), was asked to step in. Unfortunately, GINO remained a normal-sized lizard about 10 cm long despite huge doses of radiation.

Ramones-fan GINO hoped to make a dramatic entrance by rising out of the waves on Rockaway Beach but was hardly noticed. Still, the monster left a swath of devastation behind, with dozens of Lego structures and dollhouses completely destroyed. As the police had just received their allocation of surplus nuclear weapons, they went gunning for GINO. He was found in due time, standing in line for a truly bad and overpriced hot dog at a concession stand in Madison Square Garden. The monster survived the attack but was covered in egg salad and was now so enraged that he turned around and took a taxi home.



Goa'uld make their homes in cold, dark and empty spaces.
Main article: Goa'uld

The Goa'uld are a snake-like sentient species found at the end of every Stargate portal ever connected. They are parasitic, living in hosts that are stupid enough to let them in and take over. So on Earth, chimpanzees to jellyfish are out, but humans are in. Goa'uld are all about galactic conquest and domination, and are cruel and without mercy. So Goa'uld-dominated humans act pretty much as they normally would.

The species is responsible for the creation of ancient Egyptian culture and Jaye Davidson. Therefore the blame for Giorgio Tsoukalos and the remakes of The Mummy can be placed squarely on the parasites' shoulders, if it is ever determined that they have shoulders. How veneration of cats got mixed up with snake worship remains a question for the ages.



A Grue. Note the squareness and gapped teeth.
Main article: Grue

The Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a horrible box-shaped beast known especially for eating people ravenously and without warning. Few, if any things can kill a Grue, and most likely you will be eaten by one. Grues can be found anywhere that's ominous, dark, and loaded with random humor. There are no ways to protect yourself from being eaten by a grue, though many have tried by pitting their own grue against another grue. The grues usually team up to eat the victim 99% of the time. Grues truly have no natural enemies except light, non square doorway's and other grues who disagree with them, much like people. Warning: Do not assume anything by the previous sentence!! Grues are not people!! They WILL eat you!!



Hairless Panda[edit]

While often mistaken for Mickey Mouse, the Hairless Panda is much cuter in its antics, even more so than its cousin, the giant panda, Original Recipe®
Main article: Hairless Panda

The Hairless Panda is truly hairless. That and its massive size make it a sight to behold. The are known to have no shame whatsoever, flaunting their nether regions for all to see. This has scandalized Intelligent Design advocates who refuse to acknowledge they even exist. Mormons have made Hairless Pandas illegal in 14 US states.

Like other pandas, the Hairless Panda subsists largely on bamboo leaves and bamboo shoots, with the occasional pizza added if in a region where delivery is possible. Sometimes hallucinogenic fungi are eaten by mistake, with the animal spending up to 3 days in a swirling black and white world.

The creature is immensely powerful, able to rip up bamboo plants up to 20 meters (66 ft.) tall. Unfortunately, the Hairless Panda is quite nearsighted and has also ripped up tall people and smokestacks by mistake.


Honey Badger[edit]

Honey Badgers have the ability to detach their teeth and jaws during an attack so the animal can sneak around the back of its victim and claw it to shreds.
Main article: Honey Badger

Despite its appealing name, the Honey Badger is anything but. Everyone and everything tries to give it a wide berth in its native southern Africa. Merely vicious and surly on a good hair day, the animal will fight anything and everything for the smallest of reasons. The animal has shown no fear and gives no quarter to anything, living or not. Geologists point to the Great Rift Valley, dug by one determined Honey Badger trying to trap an antelope herd. Archaeologists have determined that the last major extinction event was not caused by a meteor or volcanos but by ancestral Honey Badgers. Approximately 50 individuals each weighing about 3-5 kg (7-11 lbs) wiped out every single large dinosaur in existence. Historians no longer blame Genghis Khan and Timur the Lame (Tamerlane) for massive devastation across western Asia and eastern Europe. That was caused by a group of hungry Honey Badgers pursuing the horses and soldiers of those armies.

Honey Badgers are known to actively hate Blue Öyster Cult as they don't "fear the reaper" nor are they particularly thrilled about the egregious use of umlauts.


House Elf[edit]

Grubby Little Bastard
Main article: House Elf

House Elves (Rowlingus Imaginarius) are short, grubby, disgusting little creatures with the likability factor of a Republican Vice-President. In the English class system they sit just below Gypsy Dogs and just above Chelsea Football Club. Due to a brain that is about as well crafted as one of those cheap Chinese water pistols you buy on market stalls, they speak very poor English (roughly as much the common household baguette) and can only just about perform simple tasks like cooking, cleaning and texting.



Mine's bigger.^
Main article: Human

Humans are a species of meat-based lifeforms which, despite there being a multitude of specimens in captivity across the universe, can only be found in their natural habitat on the planet Earth. Their primary means of attack is to fire concentrated energy beams from their palms, shoot volleys of projectiles from their fingers, or else to just pound pathetically against their foe's impenetrable hide with their forelimbs while weeping softly. Their ultimate power is insanity. No human is ever truly sane.

Their closest genetic relatives are clay and God's breath. They are known to be extremely delicious.



It's a lie!
Main article: Hummingbird

Though not an animal per se, the story of the coming of the hummingbird is one worth listening to, unless you're a bloody Canadian. Invented by Canadian apricot farmers in the 1940s to explain a mysterious drought which devastated the year's harvest, hummingbirds are perhaps the biggest hoax ever perpetrated by any government, EVER. Even more than Sweden's infamous "Rubber Moose" gag, or North Dakota. If you ever see a hummingbird in the wild, immediately shoot it, as it is most likely a Canadian spy satellite or psychotic cyborg sparrow.



A hybrid is a super-sized version of a mirid (not to be confused with myriad), a variety of leaf bug. The hybrid, however, is twenty times the size of the mirid, usually has blood dripping from its mandibles, and has the devil in its eyes.


Gashe upon the Hypellansh in their homeworld. Do you shee the shplendor?

The Hypello are a race of aquatic people created by General Sean Connery (and are thus known for their Scottish lisps) when he came to power in the Third Potato Wars. They live in the country of Narnia and worship the Shoopuf, a God whose job is to help them cross the river of weaselpudge. They hold great reverence toward their god.


Irukandji Jellyfish[edit]

Scientists do not know how Irukandji acquire decals or can get them to adhere in water, but all of them have at least one.
Main article: Irukandji Jellyfish

Imagine yourself swimming in the beautiful clear ocean waters off the north coast of Australia. Not another tourist in sight. No sharks about. Check. No Blue-ringed octopuses. Check. No poisonous snakes, either. Not even a saltwater croc on shore. Super sweet. But what's that over there? Tiny bubbles floating in the water? As you paddle over to investigate, you will find that that they are a swarm of tiny Irukandji Jellyfish. And where is that screaming coming from? Why, it's coming from you! It's because you just discovered for yourself that the Irukandji are among the most powerful stingers in the world and you're totally engulfed in hordes of them. And now you know why all the other buggers are keeping their distance. Welcome to Oz, mate.

The more you know…



Japanese Stomping Fish[edit]

What to stomp and how badly?

The invasive Japanese Stomping Fish has now increased its range to much of the world, not only expanding its dietary choices but also its footwear choices. Its ability to hold its breath for hours and its choice of durable leather shoes enable it to travel immense distances. Scientists worry that since cows are fair game to the fish, they will eventually figure out that they can sell the uneaten hides in exchange for more shoes, increasing their numbers ever higher.

US populations have almost universally adopted cowboy boots and hats, which enable them to visit Country Western dance venues. However, this is only to provide an excuse to step on human feet: "'Scuse me, ma'am. I thought those big fat feet in snakeskin boots were Gila monsters." Stomping Fish will also instigate fights in the parking lot after the bars close, demonstrating why the boots are called "shitkickers".


Jesusaurus rex[edit]

The legendary Jesusaurus rex is estimated to be the largest land carnivore of all time, and the most bloodthirsty of the jesii.
Main article: Jesusaurus rex

Jesusaurus rex (jeez-us-soar-us rex) (lat. "King of the Jesus Lizards"), also known as J. rex and "The Prophet of the Dinosaurs", is one of the final forms of Jesus, and is expected to visit Earth sometime around the year 2021. Not to be confused with Raptor Jesus or Jesusaur, Jesusaurus Rex is a carnivore, and he's out with a vengeance.


Jimbo Wales[edit]

Jimbo Wales. See how much of a monster he is?
Main article: Jimbo Wales

Jimbo, Princess of Wales, is the God-king of space and supreme deity of the universe. It's an awesome responsibility and, looking at that photo, you now feel reassured that it's in safe hands.

James Bo "Jimbo" Wales (Welsh for bastard) is a well-known huckster, con man and dictator of Wikiland, who has adopted a lifestyle of libertinage, debauchery, international travel, and Ferrari connoisseurship by standing on the shoulders of a million nerds. He is a high-ranking member of the GNAA, and frequently trolls the satirical "encyclopedia" Wikipedia as part of his official duties. He is well known for his amusing stunts.




A kangaroo relaxes after eating an entire schoolbus-load of children.
Main article: Kangaroo

One might think that kangaroos are the one non-lethal animal in Australia, but Australians would just laugh at you. The kangaroo is a death machine, able to kick and punch anyone or anything to a pulp. They often hunt in packs with smaller wallabies and tiny padmelons. While humans are distracted when encountering cute little padmelons, wallabies will sneak up behind and hamstring them so they cannot escape. The large kangaroos will then stomp the human and all will feed on the carcass, even eating the bones. This is why kangaroos frequent tourist hotels and bars that locals tend to shun.

Australians find that their only defense is what is called a "roo bar", a tubular metal arrangement that is attached to a military surplus armored car. Even then, the vehicle must be carefully protected against carjacking by crocodiles or bunyips.


Killer Africanized Giant Fighting Desert Lobster[edit]

AAAAAAAA! Killer Africanized Giant Fighting Desert Lobster!

The killer africanized giant fighting desert lobster (Scorpious pinchius) is a fearsome, unrelenting beast of the Australian Outback and Northern Sahara that tastes great with beer and melted butter. The story of the killer africanized giant fighting desert lobster began when non-killer non-africanized normal-sized peaceloving underwater lobsters were taken away from their native radioactive waters of the Sea of Japan in the early 1950's and brought to Africa in a desperate attempt to take over the bulk of the continent from the vicious machete-wielding Tutsi warriors (not to be confused with the "Tootsie warriors", the peaceful soldiers of Willie Wonka from the Choco-Lands). Immediately, the natives took a liking to the gross creature, and taught it to pinch the ass of the white man instead. The killer africanized giant fighting desert lobster's main method of killing prey is to wait until its prey (usually a tourist on safari) passes by, where upon the lobster then pounces on the victim, injecting a sugary venom that's a hell of a lot sweeter then Splenda, if that's even possible.

Killer Rabbit[edit]

Main article: The Killer Rabbit
Most would consider this overkill, but not The Killer Rabbit.

The Killer Rabbit was once a single monster that roamed Scotland, terrorizing the populace and keeping other animal populations to the minimum. It went extinct sometime in the Middle Ages. However, the Church, in secret cooperation with Intelligent Design Druids, recreated the Killer Rabbit over the protests of Presbyterians who normally disapprove of anything in any case. Killer Rabbits were set loose into the wild once more. In the space of a few years, Scotland, which had become a tropical paradise with monkeys and banana trees, was once again reduced to a windswept landscape of crags and bogs.

Thus, hordes of Killer Rabbits now prey on tourist buses. Killer Rabbits form a pyramid in the roadway shouting 'Stand and deliver!' much to the delight of visitors, who usually get off one or two phone pics to send to Instagram before being eaten.



Behold ze kitten, JFK's true killer.
Main article: Kitten

Kittens are the most dangerous hunters ever. Avoid at all costs. They will kill you, much like Grues. However, kittens are also currently on the endangered species list, mostly because whenever you litter, masturbate, or turn on a lightbulb, God kills a kitten. Yes, God is a very sick person.



The current Minister for Beer and Pretzels, Senator the Honourable 'Squonko' Squawk.
Main article: Kookaburra

A Kookaburra is an Australian bird known for its iconic call, or 'effing racket' as it is known by natives. They were totally silent until 1984 when flocks of kookaburras heard Cocteau Twins records and tried to imitate the warblings of Elizabeth Fraser, with questionable results. This has been tolerated ever since because most of the birds have gang affiliations and have been known to drop scorpions on sleepers who have lodged complaints. Their call has been used in many movies, rivalling the use of the Wilhelm Scream and the cawing of crows. All three are used to keep nerdy movie pedants alert and awake during screenings.

Careful attention to kookaburras is a must, as they can warn of an imminent attack by a bunyip cosplaying as a drop bear.



Tastes just like chicken.
Main article: List of koshersaurs

The koshersaur was officially discovered in 1932 in Siberia by a group of rabbis fleeing persecution by Stalin. Being thoroughly tired of eating snowcones, they chanced upon a small diner. They were dismayed to find nothing but pork and asked the waiter if there was any other meat. They were told "загадочное мясо" (zagadochnoye myaso). When asked what that was, they were led to the back, where a frozen dinosaur carcass was being cut into steaks. As one, the rabbis all said "Eh" and agreed it was close enough to being kosher. They had their fill of загадочное мясо and upon their arrival in China, had this and several other species of dinosaurs officially declared kosher. While no Jewish person has had dinosaur meat since, the rabbis all swore that it would have been a perfect meal "if only we had latkes".



Laotian rock rat[edit]

Don't touch his stuff. Dammit! I said don't touch his stuff! Do you have a thinking problem or something?
Main article: Laotian rock rat

The Laotian rock rat is the best kept secret in Asia since your mom's photo album of her backpacking trip "accidentally" ended up on the internet. Now she's number two, which brings us neatly back to the pictures. What was I saying before? Oh, yes, the rats. Fear them or die trying.


Laser Shark[edit]

Laser sharks have powerful lasers that when pointed into clouds in the night sky, drive cats wild.
Main article: Laser Shark

Laser Sharks are large species of sharks weaponized by China, Russia and America, basically because they can. Despite the sharks escaping and wreaking havoc with shipping, more of them continue to be trained and equipped with ever more powerful lasers. This is bad news for oil drilling platforms and submarines alike. Any incident is usually blamed on escaped sharks from another power. BP attempted to blame the massive Deepwater Horizon oil spill on laser sharks when it is clear the accident was caused by BP executives smoking crack too close to the pipes.

Great Britain reportedly has a Laser Eel under development, while Laser Goldfish with miniaturized lasers have been available in South Korea for some time now.



Ling-Ling registers LO BATT at an embarassing time.
Main article: Ling-Ling

A relative of the Pikachu, the Ling-Ling is an extremely rare mouse-like Pokemon. Ling-Lings are difficult to capture, but they are often seen hanging around the sets of reality shows. Their abilities are lightning-elemental, and they often secrete a valuable liquid that has been sold on the black market.



A lobstermoose visiting its larvae in a puddle of poon.
Main article: Lobstermoose

Lobstermooses will kill anything in their way. All three genders are equipped with large, dangerous antlers used primarily for disemboweling every living thing that crosses their path, and big, meaty claws for the chopping off of heads. Avoid at all costs.


Loch Hess Monster[edit]

Did you see it? It was the monster! You can just see it under the surface. There! Right next to the goldfish!
Main article: Loch Hess Monster

The Loch Hess Monster is a very large creature of unknown origin, unless it happens to be the feral goldfish accidentally released into the waters many years ago. While some scientists consider it to be extraterrestial, most consider it to be Scottish due to its surly nature and its love for neaps and tats. That same group also feel it is not the feral goldfish, as several witnesses have reported seeing ferocious battles between the monster and the goldfish over photobombing each other's poses for the tour boats.

The monster has often been seen on land, lifting up tour buses and shaking out tourists into its gaping maw like snack food. Locals do not report such incidents as they are quite common and involve people 'not from round here'.


Loch Ness Monster[edit]

Even if the Loch Ness Monster turns out to be this duck with anger management issues, it does not mean you should harass the poor creature. Fair warning.
Main article: Loch Ness Monster

The Loch Ness Monster, or "Nessie", is an immortal creature living in the Scottish lake of the same name. It is an accomplished puppeteer, manipulating convincing puppets resembling plesiosaurs, groups of seals, sturgeon, giant eels and impossible creatures. This is part of a greater scheme of promoting tourism and foisting haggis on unsuspecting visitors.

The unseen creature is also an avid amateur photographer and writer, having taken what is purported to be a selfie and selling the tale of the sighting of a huge monster to the Daily Mail for upwards of 10/– (now 50p) in 1934. Since the 1990s, a bored Nessie has been making tagging trips down south, using the name Banksy, again using more puppets to hide its identity.




A typical mandelbrot
Main article: Mandelbrot

Mandelbrots are huge beasts with an extremely large butt and a relatively short tail made out of lightning. They are black in color with lightning bolts surrounding their entire body. The location of the the mouth is still unknown, but it is probably located in the butt because if you zoom you can see sharp, vicious teeth lining the inner parts of the butt. In the tail of the mandelbrot one finds an identical clone of the beast, thus making this beast infinitely large.


Mantis shrimp[edit]

The mantis shrimp will always take on all comers.
Main article: Mantis shrimp

The Mantis shrimp is a powerful paragon of pure pwnage. It is an ambush predator, hiding in the sandy seafloor waiting for prey to come along. It then snatches its prey in the blink of an eye and drags it down under the sand for a meal. This is rather unsporting as most predators give a loud and prolonged roar before attacking to give its victims a chance to run away 99% of the time.

Mantis shrimp grab prey many times their size. Therefore, they are thought to be responsible for attacking submarines and oil tankers for their high calorie content. The animals are also thought to be responsible for all the sinkings in the Bermuda Triangle despite proof that Spongebob Squarepants is the culprit.



Main article: Mattress
The ever watchful Mattress stares at the photographer distracting it as his partner goes in for the kill.

Mattresses are curious creatures that are found in the gaseous swamps of the planet Squornshellous Zeta. Mattresses enjoy flolloping and gurlaughling. Other activities include wurfing, volluing, lurgling, vooning, and listening to classical jazz music at an extremely low volume. Dead Mattress carcasses are a very important intergalactic commodity as they are often freeze-dried and used as sleeping surfaces. Mattresses very rarely come back to life once they are thoroughly dead.


Mongolian Death Worm[edit]

Morphology of the Death Worm.

A rare desert amphibian, the Mongolian Death Worm will kill you. Anytime anywhere before you see anything it will kill you. Thought to electrocute anything wearing yellow or vermilion hats, many theories exist to explain how a creature could evolve this behavior but all researchers have been electrocuted. Many conceder the Mongolian Death Worm to be a myth and it likes it that way.

Slightly more...


Moomins particularly dislike Soviet battle tanks.

Moomins (Moominus hippopotamicus), though generally considered lovable creatures, are in fact extremely lethal, and responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent children and goldfish. The Moomin's characteristic round appearance is caused by their lack of an anus, causing them to be bloated with shit. Don't make fun of them for this, however, if you value your life!

Morbidly Obese Penguin[edit]

Morbidly Obese Penguin in its new habitat.

The Morbidly Obese Penguin is an entirely new species created due to climate change. With shrinking ice shelves in Antarctica, penguins began migrating in the 1990s to find land on which to nest. Their travels took them north to Florida City, Florida where they took refuge in 7-11 ice machines. Further travels brought them to a Golden Corral all-you-can-eat buffet that had advertised a fish sticks special. However they discovered the dessert bar and pigged out. Rather than depending on poor quality fish sticks made from other invasive species, they somehow quickly adapted to a high carbohydrate diet of sugary treats.

Today, these penguins can be found swimming in the restaurant's famous chocolate fountain alongside the usual small children. A colony will surround the soft-serve ice cream machines but will allow humans access, careful to leave enough cones and dishes for them. Morbidly Obese Penguins have now become too numerous, too heavy and too fat to move out of Golden Corrals. Luckily for management, they look like any typical human customer wearing orange flip flops.

More, but you might regret it...


Mosques often contemplate wether humans taste any different from dragons, once they've been reduced to a puddle of protoplasmic ooze. Oh, that's right: they don't.
Main article: Mosques

Mosques, or Mollusks, are squidlike alien demons that rule most of the universe and are worshipped as Gods by most peoples of the world. Although most are malevolent, like their would-be leader, a few, such as Zoidberg and Ackbar are actually good guys; a shame, then, that these good guys have almost none of the phenominal cosmic powers typical of their race. If you encounter one, and it isn't the doctor or the admiral, then you better get the hell down on your hands and knees and PRAY TO IT, BITCH! If you don't, well then I cannot be held responsible for the consequences, and I will not offer my condolences to the family of a twit such as yourself.

What, you want MORE?! What the hell is wrong with you, you sick freak?


A textbook attempt by a n00b to procure something decent. Once again, all attempts at un-mediocracy are futile.


Main article: n00b

The n00b, also spelt newb, n00blet, noob, and occasionally nub, is an animal known (prepare for Oxymoron) for being highly skilled at being inept. The typical diet of a n00b consists entirely of balls unless the balls try to turn the tables and eat the n00bs instead, which is what usually happens. It is also physically impossible for a n00b to use the ! symbol, most likely because their short n00bish arms are unable to reach the Shift Key and the 1/! key at the same time.


Northern Taiga Octopus[edit]

A Northern Taiga Octopus meets a group of steampunk LARPers at SiberiaComicCon.

The Northern Taiga Octopus roams throughout the northern polar regions. Like other octopi, it is able to camouflage itself to match its surroundings. Instantaneously, it is able to change from white to bright white to off white and even grayish white in winter time. Other times of the year it merely hides in holes and caves, as it is a lazy creature.

The species is thought to grow to enormous size. However, since it is so adept at camouflage, no one can tell just what size that is. Still, the Russian government figures Northern Taiga Octopi owe it a couple of mining complexes and medium-sized towns in Siberia. To that end, several Iron Chef finalists have been sent to track down the animals.


Norwegian Short-Tailed Yak Bear[edit]

While there is a long-tailed species (vitellius), the Short-Tailed Yak Bear is immediately recognizable, assuming it isn't sitting down.

While commonly called the Norwegian Short-Tailed Yak Bear, it is actually a misnomer. The name was given by the Swedes, with most of the animals living in Sweden. The Swedes always hoped that the creatures would take the hint and move across the border, but with little success.

Yet, the animals have little impact on either country. Norwegian Short-Tailed Yak Bears spend most of their time and most of their lives migrating from the northern polar regions to Antarctica and back, a round trip distance of nearly 40,000 km (about 25,000 mi). They subsist on seaweed and whales, saving energy by grabbing on to pirate ships and illegal fishing vessels traveling in the right direction. This behavior has only been seen since 1978. Because of this, marine biologists suspect the creatures somehow became strongly influenced by Nike's "Just do it" ad campaign.




Steampunk gear enables the occamy to approach its prey without detection.
Main article: Occamy

The Occamy is a creature that appears to be the creation of an author with writer's block on a bad hair day. In fact, J.K. Rowling is thought to be responsible for its existence as she was napping at her café writing spot and mumbled in her sleep with several genetic engineers sitting within earshot.

Almost strictly an urban dweller, the animal makes its home in niches and cornices of skyscrapers, much to the consternation of building supervisors and window washers. From these vantage points, the very large mature occamies will swoop down and carry off their prey, furries and cosplayers attending a con at a hotel or convention center. Far from being repulsed by the large amounts of sweat produced by the former, that sweat provides much of the water and electrolytes that the occamy needs to survive.


Oedipus Rex[edit]

The first Oedipus skeleton.
Main article: Oedipus Rex

Oedipus Rex was the dominant predatorial species of dinosaur inhabiting the majority of southern Achean peninsula until it went extinct due to inbreeding, blindness, and reproductive practices of leaving their young on mountains to be found by shepherds.


Oklahoma Air Whale[edit]

Air Whales over plains farmland.
Main article: Oklahoma Air Whale

The Oklahoma Air Whale is frequently seen riding storm fronts across the Midwest. They are thought to be the legendary thunderbirds of Indian tradition though with less chrome and optional equipment.

As harbingers of bad weather, air whales are often blamed for resultant tornadoes. While indeed found not far from tornadoes, the animals are merely feeding on giant flocks of starlings and Oklahoma air fish sucked up and spit out by the vortices. Their great size and power allows them to approach tornadoes closely and avoid being sucked in.



Barbara Bush..the first of Orcs to be in the White House.
Main article: Orc

Orcs are a group of creatures that are ugly looking. If you want to say that to their faces, though, avoid. Otherwise, they are pretty nice beings assuming you have a desire to get torn limb from limb after being shot full of arrows.



No longer is it confined to Photoshop , bitch!
Main article: Ostrich-ninjapirate

The ostrich-ninjapirate is the disgusting bastard child of an ostrich and a ninja-pirate forced into loveless bio-sex by a team of Finnish computer technicians on Adobe Photoshop, or sometimes Paint Shop Pro. When this evil deed of evil was first carried out in 1966, the ostrich-ninjapirate came to life and multiplied itself twenty times in a matter of minutes. The group then hijacked a spaceship and went on to invade several planets. Ostrich-ninjapirates still exist on earth in some parts of The Netherlands-- and possibly Utah, though most experts discredit this theory.

Create your own ostrich-ninjapirate!


Ouroboros serpents eventually consume themselves leaving only wrinkled orange carcasses behind.
Main article: Ouroboros

Ouroboros is a serpent that consumes itself by eating its own tail. How it has the time to do anything else including reproduction is a mystery. Still, many can still be found scattered throughout boreal and tropical forests. They have been harvested since time immemorial for use in carnival games and as doorknockers.

An ancient cult involving the worship of Jaye Davidson and all things ancient Egyptian has grown up centered around the ouroboros. That has since separated into toesuckers and the Church of Dunkin Donuts, with both still retaining the symbology of ouroboros. Scientists remain split on whether ouroboros is the cause of the human centipede craze.




A phoenix about to rise from the ashes. Exciting, no?
Main article: Phoenix (mythology)

The phoenix is an immortal pyromaniac bird known for its beautiful plumage and smokey smell. It is, of course, named because it originates from the environs of the capital of pyromania, Phoenix, Arizona. The ancient legends of drunken Arizona Indians tell of phoenixes raiding 7-11s for charcoal and matches to enable themselves to incinerate themselves and rise reborn from the ashes.

The birds are said to be kept as pets by wizards who can magically keep the floor clean from their flaming droppings and can also magically protect drapery and furniture from constantly being set alight. While the birds are good at snatching noses and eyeballs of both intruders and visitors, it is also thought that phoenixes are mostly kept to be deus ex machina devices when any other methods fail. This is very true whenever a basilica is present.


Pipe Dream[edit]

If you're dreaming about this, stop playing Super Mario before bedtime. I mean it.

The Pipe dream is a thing that shoots marbles at you. It gets stuck in your dreams. It was trained by the Great Sphinx, which also gets stuck in your dreams. It is a minion of the drum machine which is part of The Matrix and part of a greater conspiracy only existing in the dream world. Any Freudian psychologist would label you as a loon, so lie and tell him/her you dream about My Little Pony characters exclusively.

No more for now...


Main article: Piranha

They may look like harmless little goldfish thingys, but piranhas are actually evil creatures that want to eat you alive! A close relative of the common Grue, piranhas are evil fish with jaws that take up their whole body. Despite their tiny size, they are no laughing matter. They are plotting our downfall right now! Run..or Swim...do whatever you do to stop piranhas from killing/eating you!



A red (FE0000) pixel (actual size).
Main article: Pixel

A pixel is a very tiny winged fairy whose body is constantly surrounded with a square field of colour. There are said to be 224 different colours of pixels, among them Light Goldenrod Yellow (FAFAD2) and Evil Gray (AAAAAA).

In battle, pixels are known to group into various combat formations, the most common of which is the "pointer" formation, consisting only of black (000000) or white (FFFFFF) pixels forming the shape of an arrowhead constantly pointing northwest. Pixels resist magic but take double damage from cold iron and magnets.

Though pixel populations have soared worldwide in recent decades, very few have succeeded in capturing and taming the spry creatures. Tame pixels are so highly valued that one particular individual earned one million dollars by selling a vast menagerie of pixels that he had captured as a boy, a hundred at a time.



Proof that there is no such thing as God.
Main article: Platypus

The platypus is the shit. And not in the good way, either. Like the Ostrich-ninjapirate, the platypus is too a bastard child, but unlike the Ostrich-ninjapirate, is a creation of a fucked-up God. But when the first explorers came upon the platypus, all but one of then converted to atheism, and not the peaceful kind either. The angry, contemptuous, all-Christians-are-ignorant-motherfuckers-and-God-is-a-stupid-lie-type of atheism. The reason: the platypus is proof of a flawed, imperfect God. Oh, and that one explorer who didn't convert--he killed himself. Yeah, platypussies are the shit.

See also: Moogawooga, the Platypus Deity of Choice



This cute, cuddly creature could be...your worst nightmare!
Main article: Plushies

Originally believed to be harmless home-made sex toys for lonely old perverts, the plushies have since been revealed to be a race of alien marauders bent on galactic domination. After leaving their home planet many eons ago, these fuzzily-disguised extraterrestrial rat-bastards have rampaged throughout the Milky Way, raping, pillaging, eating, and in some cases fluffing entire planets. As if that wasn't bad enough, they spend a great deal of time hanging out around Wal-Marts.



Fossilized vertebrae of a Pogosnake Cretaceous period ancestor.
Main article: Pogosnake

Pogosnakes are close cousins to the Hoop snake. While both reptiles were normally only seen by drunks lying in the Arizona desert and local Indians, they have now been extensively studied by scientists who have studied other bouncy and hyperactive creatures like the Jack Russell Terrier and poltergeists.

Historical reports tell of the 1540 Coronado expedition getting lost and being tripped by "unseen forces". Researchers now know this was due to herds of Pogosnakes kicking up dust and entangling the explorers when the snakes made their annual migration. This led to Spanish soldiers who had also ingested peyote and caught glimpses of Pogosnakes to return home to invent slam dancing and punk music.


Pond Whale[edit]

The pond whale dominates other species in its environment due to its diet of unsuspecting birds and clumsy squirrels.
Main article: Pond Whales

A pond whale is the smaller freshwater cousin of the seagoing mammal. According to advocates of intelligent design and the backs of several well-known cereal boxes, pond whales resented getting hit in the face by floating seaweed and dead trees, and retreated to calmer fresh water environments. They have completely adapted to their new homes. It is remarkable to see their skillful jumping with little resultant splashing so as not to lose any water from a small pond or even a large puddle. In the case of whales living in ponds that only exist seasonally, they are able to find shelter in the dry season by hiding in the cool of garages and abandoned buildings.

Small children should be encouraged not to splash in puddles lest they disturb whales lurking just under the surface. That is, unless the kid is a brat. Then they should be allowed to splash around all they like and left outside in the winter to catch pneumonia. Wolves will finish the job. The wolves will be eaten by pond whales, completing the circle of life.



The fate of anyone unfortunate enough to wander into the path of the HP Printer (Printus takesforevertoprintius).
Main article: Printer

Printers are domesticated cybernetic organisms. They come in many varieties, from Olde Worlde to Laser Jet, and while only some of these varieties can properly digest electricity, they all share an appetite for paper. Ironically, paper contains very little nutrients which the printer can extract, and usually the paper is excreted by the printer in an almost unchanged state.

They are known to have the most complicated urinary system in all of creation, with which they excrete ink in highly complicated patterns and sequences. With the aid of a computer, the printer's owner can train their printer to excrete ink in various patterns desired by its owner. The most famous of these printer trainers was H. P. Lovecraft.


Pug Vader[edit]

"Do you smell what I smell?"

“Luke, I WHEEZE am your SNORT father PANT!”

~ Darth Vader

“Son of a bitch!”

~ Luke Skywalker

“I said FATHER!!”

~ Darth Vader

It is well known that Anakin trained several toy dogs in the art of the Sith. Since they are already cute and appear to pose no threat they could sneak into an enemy base and annihilate everyone. However, only one apprentice was worthy enough to be Pug Vader. He was dipped in lava, given his own suit, and a space doghouse like a mini-deathstar. The terror of the Rebel's dogs, he was killed by Obi-Wan Kaninebi.

No more for the time being...



Main article: Qwerty

Qwerties are a species of small, fuzzy birds. There are nearly none left, as they have been hunted to near extinction by such alien predators as the Dvorak and AZERTY, and it is predicted that by the year 2015, there will be NO qwerties left at all. Though most qwerties are now kept as pets in people's homes, where they can be stroked gently by their human owners over and over again, their wild ancestors engaged in the hunting of the "mouse", a rarely-filmed mating ritual.




Raccilla arrives early on garbage day to get the best selection.
Main article: Raccilla

The Raccilla is a large raccoon, of which there are two species. Procyon humongous is the species found exclusively in Japan.

After the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant meltdown in 2011, many mutant species appeared including Procyon humongous. Living off the garbage left after the disaster, this Raccilla type grew to slightly larger-than-normal size. As pickings became scarce, Raccilla moved on to large cities like Tokyo. There, the creature demonstrated its abilities to neatly suck garbage out of garbage trucks and junk food out of convenience stores. Its inevitable encounter with Godzilla was anticipated by the government, hoping that a huge battle would ensue to revive the Japanese monster movie franchise. However, the two entered into a symbiotic relationship, where Raccilla points out buildings for Godzilla to destroy and both share in the resultant food garbage.

More on a different Raccilla species...

Rasberry Crazy Ant[edit]

Get the bug spray! Now!!! We're out??!
Main article: Rasberry Crazy Ant

Rasberry Crazy Ants, not to be confused with raspberry or other ant flavors, are insects that have happily made their homes in Texas and the Gulf Coast, bringing their millions of extended family with them. Considering the reception that Mexicans, other foreign nationals and Oklahomans receive in those states, a practice known as "lynching" elsewhere, it is surprising that these billions upon billions of invaders are tolerated. Texans apparently enjoy bugs crawling into every space in their houses and bodily orifices. Some observers think that Texans don't like exterminators as the latter are difficult for them to find, not being listed anywhere under the first 3 letters of the alphabet. Others note that Texas and Florida are among the states rights governments that refuse to follow federal guidelines like building storm defenses and not building on swamps, and therefore refuse to spend a penny on Rasberry Crazy Ant control.


Raving Rabbids[edit]

A rabbid preparing to attack.
Main article: Raving Rabbids

Raving Rabbids are only one of the most deadly small mammals known to man. These freaks of nature are like mutated versions of normal rabbits. These creatures, like rabbits, have huge teeth and long ears. What makes these creatures different is their lack of noses and necks, and their huge blue eyes that turn red when they get crazy. Rabbids first spawned their evil in the game Rayman: Raving Rabbids. Rayman, their nemesis, now lives as a Basement-dweller due to the fact that the Rabbids have become more popular than him. The Rabbids have invaded more video games and now have their own series of video games, thus increasing the likelihood of them bringing the world to insanity.



A rock in its typical habitat, white backgrounds.
Main article: Rock

Rocks were first domesticated around the Stone Age, where they were trained to do tedeous mind-numbing tasks like breaking other rocks to make rocks for breaking other rocks. Rocks are tough. Granite is pretty tough. I knew a granite once....I dated a talc once, as well. Didn't work out, she was too soft for my taste. I like my women TOOUUGH!!, like granite. But that's beside the point... Rocks are cool. Everybody likes gems, but you know what, rocks are awesome.




The bigger the sascrotch, the bigger the balls.
Main article: Sascrotch

A creature much like the Sasquatch, it is a hairy, monkeyish thing that lives in the woods and rapes/eats campers. As its name suggests, it has a large ball sack that hangs all the way to the ground and it actually has to drag it around as it walks. (pictured)



It's watching you...
Main article: Scarecrow

Scarecrows are an indigenous race of people who are made of potato sacks and are filled with hay. Once living peacefully, they were captured by the humans and brought into the American Slavery Corporation. Many scarecrows were nailed to wooden poles to scare away crows, even though the crows were too smart to believe that stupid joke. Despite those years of abuse, the scarecrows quickly adapted to their new environment and their numbers thrived. Scarecrows began slaughtering massive numbers of rednecks who wandered into sunflower fields at night. But they can be easily detered because they have no brains and are therefore stupid.


Sea Monkey[edit]

A sea monkey is able to remain perfectly still in order to catch its favourite prey, the whale shark.
Main article: Sea Monkeys

Sea Monkeys are descended from terrestial monkeys that escaped from organ grinders and hid in the ocean. They learnt to hold their breath for long periods and were thus able to evade their vengeful taskmasters. They still retain their trained and normal behaviours, begging for coins and tipping their hats when boarding cruise ships in mid-ocean, then overwhelming the crew and sinking the ship.

"Sea monkeys" advertised in comic books and magazines are, of course, just brine shrimp with stylish clothing. But they are a gateway animal, leading children to convince their parents to buy them ever-larger animals until they finally obtain a troop of actual sea monkeys. The latter then eat the children and use their larger bones to teach sharks to fetch.


Short-eared tree porpoise[edit]

In ur base killin ur d00dz.

The short-eared tree porpoise is easily recognized by its characteristic ears and its failure to collapse mature trees they live in, as floppy-eared whales always do. These members of the Odontoceti or toothy whales family prefer to inhabit ready-made nests like treehouses or abandoned hunters blinds. Friendly and mostly harmless, they still can be dangerous as they jump from treetop to treetop, searching for their favorite food, wild tree baloney. As they can misjudge branches that can hold their weight, they have been known to crush picnickers and hikers that they land on.

Short-eared tree porpoises are now considered an endangered species. Treehouses are no longer common throughout the landscape, and many so-called hunters, people who are unable to make wardrobe choices and just resort to camouflage as daily wear, now prefer to stay in their underground bunkers peering out at the world through gun ports or periscopes. Today, some tree porpoises have tried to adapt by living on niches, balconies and rooftops of skyscrapers, with mixed success.


Skippy the Bush Kangaroo[edit]

Still armed and dangerous.

Skippy the Bush Kangaroo is the notorious and beloved head of the largest drug cartel in Australia.

Skippy (born Nedwina 'Ned' Kelly) got her start in crime by smuggling drugs and weapons in and out of Waratah National Park. Her supposed owners were unaware that her pouch was being used for carrying more than messages to Dad or the occasional takeaway pizza order. In fact, they never even realised that having a pouch made her a female and always referred to her being male.

Today, 'Skip' is the undisputed head of a cartel worth $A5 billion (about €500), dealing with Chinese triads and the mysterious Wombat Peoples Army of the Lord. Her worldwide network of underlings are a fanatical lot who consider Skippy to be 'a friend ever true'.



Hey, look it's George Carlin!
Main article: Smartass

Smartasses are a type of donkey (or "ass" if you're British) with an IQ higher than the average ass. Though they are now free to crack wise about all our mommas, smartasses were once kept solely for slave labor up until the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, that fancy document that rhymes. But they were still denied the same rights as non-smartasses. However, in the 1960s, smartasses began a civil rights movement which took America by storm, guaranteeing them a place among humans. That's not to say that there aren't people who want that to stop. I mean, no one likes a smartass. Every political party since the 1960s has desperately been trying to return smartasses to their former status, though the Democrats are hesitant because their mascot is a smartass, as are many Democrats themselves.



Rare Snuffleupagus sighting in Molokai
Main article: Snuffleupagus

The Snuffleupagus is a shaggy elephantine Muppet which lacks ears and tusks, an evolutionary trait employed to escape the interest of ivory dealers, the elephant's main predator. They are known to befriend birds of similar height to their own. Such birds are thought to be responsible for grooming the Snuffleupagi's fur and devouring the juicy ticks that dwell within.


Something under your bed[edit]

Somebody's watching you...

Science has uncovered the existence of something hiding under your bed. We don't know what it is, but there is definitely something under your bed. We also know that it's big, ugly, and wants to eat your head. Hell, there could be a whole bunch of somethings under your bed...watching you...right now.

We now have technology that may just be able to get something out of your bed. But right now, we're using it for more important things, like ending global warming, finding a cure for diarrhea, stopping wars, getting whales off the endangered list, and trying to discover food that is both healthy and delicious at the same time. You're on your own here.

More? Just look under your bed...

Southern Semi-Miniature Banded Flamethrowing Swamp Deer[edit]

Male Southern Semi-Miniature Banded Flamethrowing Swamp Deer become quite aggressive during mating season.

Southern Semi-Miniature Banded Flamethrowing Swamp Deer roam the northern forests and prairies of Norway with impunity, as only desperate nature documentary makers dare to travel to those areas. Only recently have scientists found that they eat porcupines almost exclusively, accounting for their surly attitudes.

It is best to give these deer a wide berth. Like any ungulate, these creatures produce large amounts of smelly methane. This make them nearly impossible to approach from downwind. An approach from the rear is certainly not recommended as the deer have anal glands that can ignite the methane in a horrible and effective flamethrowing defense. Authorities recommend keeping out of Scandinavia entirely for safety's sake.

More ...

Space Chicken[edit]



Space Chickens are known to be lazy, however, legends say that JKR, it's lazy creator blames everything at the Chickun because the Mad Toon Monkey Thing Show is allways late. "Space Chickens come from outer space" at least so Captain Ovelia claims after interviewing JKR. Space Chickens are claimed to be naive, crazy things made out of rubber and acid plastic green goo filled with a playdoron substance created by the collision of minerals and electricity therefore giving the substance the ability to form into a flexible shape. God, I'm hungry. And thirsty. Maybe I should go... Eat some water... Man d00d hyppi had some gud inspiration!

Google will pwn y00! Bahvawahaka!

Spherical Cow[edit]

Open the pod bay door, HAL. It's only a cow.
Main article: Spherical Cows

As all of you reading this are theoretical physicists, you are certainly aware of this theoretical concept and its ramifications. But you may not know that, as an April Fools Day joke, geneticists created an actual Spherical Cow, cloned it and released them all into outer space. Angry astronomers soon discovered them, with both cows and spherical cow pies blocking the view of the Hubble telescope and preventing the casting of proper horoscopes.

Xenobiologists are studying whether any Spherical Cows have attempted jumping over the Moon. Meanwhile Chinese scientists promise that their bigger and better Spherical Cows will reach Mars and Saturn by 2028.



A sugarglider right before the kill

The sugarglider, sometimes called the Flying Death, is a ferocious, evil, gliding possum native to Earth and Australia and currently competes with the bunny as the most ferocious animal on Earth. The sugarglider is extremely dangerous, and like the Xenomorph, will attack humans with no provocation in their attempt to control the galaxy. Organizing themselves into huge armies, sugarglider generals direct their minions into war, attacking and killing humans in a matter of seconds. There is an on-going battle in the hopes of stopping sugargliders once and for all, led by General Alcarcalimo. Also, they eat dead babies, just thought you should know.


If you hear a honking sound behind you, just run. It is not an antique auto or clown, but an angry swan.
Main article: Swan

A Swan is a killing machine, a bird sent from hell to punish all other life including humans. Silently gliding along in the water and seeming to look pretty and harmless, swans will go into berserker mode when in range of a target. They will take on anything including honey badgers. Single swans in combat against Godzilla have now won ten straight matches against the scaly monster. While bloodthirsty sports fans like to watch those fights, swans usually turn on the audience at some point, similar to WWF wrestling.

It is important to remember that all swans in England are technically owned by the Queen. Therefore, they act at her bidding and are sent on assassination missions around the world. So when sitting on a bench by a lake or pond, always ask yourself, "Did I ever do anything to piss off Queen Elizabeth II?" before settling down with a book or sandwich. If someone in your family had ever offended Queen Victoria it would still be best to remain in your secure underground bunker instead.




Run, atheists, run!!
Main article: Taahgaarxians

The Taahgaarxians are evil, soul-eating anteater-like creatures dispatched by God during the Apocalypse to kill all atheists. Their motto is: "One lick, and they're dead", and it is no exaggeration. Originally thought up by "writer" Tim LaHayes for his completeley true propaganda literature, God has recently bought the copyrights to use Taahgaarxians and they are expected to kill all atheists by December 26th of 2073.


Tasmanian Devil[edit]

A tasmanian devil on its spinning rampage of death.
Main article: Tasmanian devil

Tasmanian devils are basically mutated demon squirrels that first spawned on the island of Tasmania. Despite their size, they are extremely dangerous creatures that will kill you on sight! They have dozens of sharp teeth packed in huge jaws disproportionate with the rest of their body, and also have the ability to spin like tornadoes. They can also give you a very painful headache with their loud screeching/growling noises that are usually made when they fight over a carcass.



An artist's impression of a Thesaurus. Quite nice exceptional...
Main article: Thesaurus

The Thesaurus was a biblivorous (book-eating) therapod dinosaur which lived during the Lower Uncyclopedian era, the last stage of the Cretinous period, 66–65 million years ago. It was first discovered by Winston Churchill in Oxford by in 1910. Many dinosaurologists (people who study dinos) agree that Thesaurus --though it had a large brain capable of analyzing syntax, etymology, and word meaning in 20 different languages like a Grammar Nazi-- probably did not have an intelligence beyond that of primitive reptilian standards, though it was the smartest in its grade.


This freak[edit]

This thing grew out of a colony of E-Coli from a piece of room temperature beef.

You see these things here and there. It's always best not to look, you might find one attractive. This would be a sign that you're not human, and you will be happier not knowing you're not human. So just don't look, okay? Trust me.



An ubergrue.

An Ubergrue (death) is a creature resembling a grue, and a member of the grue family (though not actually a grue itself). They are the only known predators of the grue and the eurg, and also enjoy eating humans. They are the most powerful animals in existance and are made out of sheer awesomeness. There are approximatley 12 of them worldwide, and their most common home is the void. No one knows where they come from.

Umlaut Monster[edit]

The last Thing, that your Bodyparts see will!
Main article: Umlaut monster

Das Umlautmonster (also called das Umlautungeheuer) is a shady figure, behind cupboards and bookcases lurking. It is of cruel, wicked, pedant, and sadistic nature (die Natur). It has nasty fangs and two huge, dot-like eyes above its enormous, wide mouth hovering. The umlaut monster feeds on the body parts of people who mistakes in German grammar do. It can also very mad at you get if you merely to capitalise any single Noun in a Sentence forget. Remember Word Order! If you Mistakes in Word Order make, will the Umlaut Monster two Body Parts instead of one consume.


Uncle Fester[edit]

Beware of Uncle Fester's rods.

main article was huffed

Uncle Fester is a human-like being who is known to make people kill themselves. Often Fester would be working in the darkest of places and instead of carrying a torch around he decided to be a little more inventive and fed 2 rods through his mouth, down his gullet and into his stomach creating a zinc-carbon battery. He then connected the remaining wires to a light bulb. As you can see in the picture, this was quite dangerous and could result in serious injury to those around him. AVOID!

No More...

'Cause you've been bad!


A typical unicorn, soon after a recent run-in with some flesh-eating bacteria.
Main article: Unicorn

Unicorns are large equine animals characterised by one (1) big honking spike of doom protruding from their forehead. The spike, when sliced off and used as a cup, is known to remove all toxins from its contents. Unfortunately it also makes any beer poured into it taste like teetotaler's urine. It is believed that, with the aid of high-velocity particle accelerators, three unicorns can be fused together to form a triceratops.




He vantz to zuck yurr blaad!!
Main article: Vampire

Vampires are the pasty-faced individuals who love biting the necks of young Hispanic boys whilst they sleep (the boys, I mean, for vampires never sleep). There are many myths concerning the weaknesses of vampires, but truly, only one thing can stop them: Olive Garden. Oh yes, they can step into direct sunlight, stabbed in the heart by a stake (not steak, those are delicious), and be shot with a silver bullet (wait, wrong monster), and they still won't die. But take a vampire to the any place saturated with garlic, and instant implosion of the testicles is inevitable.


Vampire ants[edit]

Owning a Vampire ant farm allows you to dress them old school.
Main article: Vampire ants

So there you are, out in the woods in the dead of night, minding your own business, making a blood sacrifice to Cthulhu. Suddenly, you look down and notice your Neimann-Marcus stone altar is swarming with Vampire ants. Kee-ripes! The smell of blood undoubtedly attracted them. And now you realize you got a little too messy. That'll teach you to stick with goats; there's a lot less blood. The stereo-playing neighbor that you just sacrificed just made a complete mess. Yeah, blame him. So, what now? If the ants bite him, will he come back... as a giant ant? While it would be funny seeing him dragging leaves around and tending aphids, you probably need to run home right now and weld locks on your garbage cans.


Venezuelen trench-dwelling moose[edit]

As Trench moose have a bad sense of direction, they will readily indicate they live in the Marianas Trench, which is sadly not true.

Expelled from Canada at the same time as the Acadians after the French and Indian War, moose moved even farther south into the oceanic trenches off Venezuela, eventually evolving into a separate subspecies. While blamed for mysterious events in the Bermuda Triangle, it should be noted that Venezuelen trench-dwelling moose are nowhere near that area. However, they are responsible for several moderate oil spills as they are rather clumsy when they hunt down jellyfish and drug runner submarines for their food.

They have fought for many years over control of oil production in their habitat range, most currently with Venezuela's Madero administration and the Shell Oil Company. Trench moose were recently disappointed by a ruling of the International Court at The Hague, who denied a motion as they had misspelled "Venezuelan".




A wild Wallet in flight!

Main article: was stolen

The Wallet is a wild, angry bird creature of death, similar to the unicorn and liger. Rumors used to tell of the Wallet flying over towns and villages and swooping up the banks with his large talons. However, this is untrue, because Wallets are not Jewish.

No more...

Wallet moth[edit]

Eventually, your wallet moth will grow large enough that it will have to be replaced.
Main article: Wallet moth

A wallet moth is a key accessory for the miserly cheapskate. Nothing screams poverty and evokes pity more than a moth flying out of a supposedly empty wallet, at least to people who read comics.

The wallet moth must be perfectly trained to flutter out at a moment's notice as your date may pull out his/her wallet when the check is due and try the same stunt. Further, it provides protection when you are skulking through dark alleys escaping angry untipped waitresses and run into an armed robber. As it has been said, When a man without a wallet moth meets a man with a gun, the man without a wallet moth is a dead man.



Over time, wardrobes turn a reddish color due to their diet heavy in blood.
Main article: Wardrobe

The wardrobe is perhaps one of the most horrible, yet misunderstood creatures that wander the Canadian wilderness. The first person to ever discover the Wardrobe was the fearless adventurer Parco Molo, who set out with his team of biologists, hunters, and one sherpa to find the elusive animal (and of course, kill it, but that goes without saying). The wardrobe, a beast known for its tendencies to lead young children into fantastic lands fraught with peril, is thought to have evolved from the Cupboard (Cupboardius maximus), which in turn evolved from the Shelf, a now extinct creature.



The weasel, is in fact, the fiercest animal on the Serengeti Plains
Main article: Weasel

Weasels are reptiles of family muselidae and are honorary members of the von Trapp family. They spend most of their time in biodomes, or bio-enclosures of other sorts. They are known to be more or less constantly engaged in family feuds. Little is ever made of the involvement of weasels in the Gambino crime family, or their studio work with Sly and the Family Stone. Needless to say, "weasel" is synonymous with "family" in many walks of English life, except Wales. May the Queen save us, anywhere but Wales, where weasel is spelled gycnwtdth. Damn those whales....


Wiki Mule[edit]

Protect your account's ownership capital!
Main article: Wiki Mule

A Wiki Mule is an account created by an actively contributing Wikipedophile or Wikithug for the purpose of carrying offloaded negative or unflattering activity tied to his or her primary account. Unlike the common, everyday sock puppet, which normally exists to support the original account identity in "edit wars" and other Wikinastiness, the mule exists primarily to carry its creator's psychological burdens, and is left to wither and die if the charade is successful.


Wikipedia Monster[edit]

With just his sword and best kneepads, Sir Uncyclopedia takes on the last remaining part of the Wikipedia Monster, its appendix, holding the fearsome Pagan Pomegranate of Petra.
Main article: Wikipedia Monster

The Wikipedia Monster (French: le Monstre Wikipédia) was a snake-like water beast that possessed numerous heads and poisonous breath. It was killed by Sir Uncyclopedia in his first trial. It was then killed by another user for being a stub, before being recreated. This new version has refused to die despite being attacked by vandals and blankers on a regular basis. It is highly intelligent and more vicious than its predecessor, with DDoS and ransomware capabilities as well as the special ability to infect computers with what is termed as internet cooties.


Wild Bush Car[edit]

The circle of life in Australia.
Main article: Wild bush car

Many years ago, the immigrants discovered drunk driving and threw all their wrecked cars in the forest. All those years in the wild have created feral cars that run over critters and eat them. They also kill people. And they release deadly gases into the ozone layer. These creatures are found in many parts of the world and are commonly seen driving across open roads, where they spend most of their time running over anything in sight. They have built-in GPS systems which help them locate their prey. Heck, one could be waiting outside your house waiting to run you over.


Womp Rat[edit]

Ironic Womp Rat is ironic.
Main article: Womp Rat

The Womp Rat is an incredibly stupid and slow gray rodent living in packs on the planet Tatooine. It steadfastly refuses to acknowledge the universe it lives in and typically is a Trekkie or Battlestar Galactica fantard. Therefore, Womp Rats are typically found organizing cons or standing in line for them. There they then become perfect targets for trigger-happy children with high energy weapons and daddy issues.

While normally making the normal range of squeaky noises befitting a rat, the animals are so named for making a satisfying womp! sound when blown up. Of course, if floating in outer space, the Womp Rat will not make such a noise, since, in space, no one can hear you scream or go womp!.



Carefully hidden in The Matrix, these Woodchicken eggs are about to hatch.
Main article: The Woodchicken

Woodchickens originated from an incident in an Italian toymaker's workshop in 1673. The Blue Fairy manifested itself in order to turn a wooden puppet into a real human due to a shortage of altar boys. However, leaking blue fairy magic also touched several cartons of wooden eggs carved for Gwyneth Paltrow and other New Agers. It brought the eggs to life that hatched into the Woodchickens we know today. Stringent EU fairy wand rules no longer allow high levels of magic radiation so this will never happen again. But the damage was done and Woodchickens escaped into the wild and became feral.

Skillfully camouflaged, Woodchickens jealously guard their own eggs plus any other eggs they may find. They are therefore a major danger at Easter when small children are wandering around with baskets in hand looking for eggs. A flock of Woodchickens is able to reduce a 40 lb. (18 kg.) child to a skeleton in just under eight minutes. This is why such heavy security is provided for the annual Easter egg roll event on the US White House lawn, the scene of previous Woodchicken attacks.




Main article: Xenomorph


Oh God, There's More!! Fucking NOOO!!!...



Yowies are obsessed with split ends but can do little about them in the outback.
Main article: Yowie

The Yowie is a large, predatory hominid believed to inhabit the forests and jungles of Australia. It was known to the Aborigines as the Yummi Yummi, and has long been regarded with a mixture of fear, admiration and superstitious awe. They are said to have migrated to Australia from Belgium across the land bridges which formed during the Permian ice age.

Their constant grunting and wailing is frightening to both man and beast. Kegs of Carlton and Foster's are left out to try to placate them, but this just leads to bogans drinking with yowies, leading to the inevitable semihuman/yowie hybrid babies demanding even more beer.




Main article: Zombies

Zombies are humans which are the byproduct of any process which perverts the natural death process of the individual by allowing the decaying corpse to walk amongst the still breathing to fulfill the needs of the lower brain to feast upon the living and watch American Idol.

More braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiins...


Main article: Zuul

Zuul is a unique pan-dimensional being. Its entire reason for living, if indeed what it is doing is living, is to serve its master, Gozer, and to claim a position as the last entry in Uncyclopedia. It has been described as dog-like, especially in respect to its drooling ability, even though it has a total lack of interest or ability in chasing sticks.

More, more, more (how do you like it?)...


A zzaardvard, a "living fossil" (L); a regular fossil (R)
Main article: Zzaardvark

Zzaardvarks are large carnivorous American reptiles. They are found in the fossil record but it is unknown if they are extinct at this time. The last sighting was by Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top in 1995, who was allowed to name the creature. While some scientists argue that the sighting was from too much beer and hallucinogens, cryptobiologists contend that both zzaardvarks and Billy Gibbons still exist. The creatures are known to arrange the bones of their prey into crisscross patterns and these arrangements are still being found along with the crop circles that the animals like to create.

The reptiles' greatest enemy is Zuul, who is angry about being displaced as the last entry in dictionaries.