Toothpick
“"One toothpick in the mouth, looking cool. Two toothpicks, looking like a dickhead." .”
“Can I pretend it's a cigarette?!”
The toothpick is often used as a means to pick out stuck bits of food from teeth, but the question is, what if you have no teeth? Little known facts about the toothpick are listed below, some viewers may find some stuff interesting, but most of you will find it shocking. Specially about the Voodoo dolls.
Toothpicks - Friend or Foe?[edit]
The general agreement throughout the New World, is toothpicks are mostly harmless, but in the wrong hands, and if held inappropriately can cause lasting damage to the user and/or his victims. Illustrated here is the correct position in which one should hold a toothpick.
When and when not to hold a toothpick:
| Good Conditions of Toothpick holding | Bad Conditions of Toothpick holding |
| When it's raining | When it's pouring |
| First thing in the morning | Last thing at night |
| About 3pm (anywhere in the world) | Around 3.01pm GMT |
Many scientific scientists think scientifically that a toothpick is basically a friend, a buddy, something to give a loving pet name to like Fluffy, or Sticky. In Highly Toxic Lab Experiments (HTLE), the toothpick always died in the end, often snapping in the middle through the strain, similar to the amazingly similar stick insects they carried other HTLE out on. Thus, we can conclude:
- Toothpicks are your best friend until they snap
- When they snap, they can take on a whole other personality, sometimes pretty scary in my view. See Common Toothpick Torture Methods (CTTM)
Common Toothpick Torture Methods[edit]
History shows 9 out of 10 toothpicks lose it after being mishandled and shoved in mouths of the human race. Frankly, it's not surprising then, that toothpicks are the most common type of stick most likely to become serial killers. They have several methods of torture, and recently some of the most exciting/shocking, have been the fairly-new-to-the-game Gangsta Pix Stix as they like to be known, using Ancient Art of VooDoo (AAOVD).
Other well documented forms of toothpick torture:
- Stab - Stabbed by toothpick
- Stab-Stab-Stab - Stabbed multiple times by a toothpick - can be terminal
- SlipPoke - When your hand slips and the toothpick pokes you on the inside of the nose - can make you cry
- The Tooth Fairy - No, not what you think, but in fact a toothpick which can FLY, then proceed to Stab-Stab-Stab. Invented in China.
- AlmostPoke - Some think this is the cruelest form of toothpick torture - the toothpick teases you by standing really, really really close to your eye..
- ActuallyPoked - .. Until just when you think it will give up, it does a Stab-Stab-Stab. Can be terminal.
Another form of torture regularly used in children's playgrounds, is forcing the victim to spread open fingers on the ground while the toothpick and his toothpick pals repeatedly stab between the fingers, not that they miss, they get you every time, leaving masses of holes on the hands, making it impossible for the victim to hold and retain water in their cupped hands, and the scars often mistaken for chickenpox; the incorrect diagnosis of which can lead to death.
Famous Toothpicks[edit]
Toothpick Charlie was a bad guy, well he was okay, but the toothpick was the bad guy, leading poor Charlie astray. One day, he just vanished into thin air, no one knows why, the toothpick was questioned for a million nights in a high-security jail, to no avail.
This was the last time we heard of Charlie, many say the Gangsta Pix Stix got him after his own toothpick was initiated into their posse, but there is no actual conclusive evidence found, only a dark coat, full of holes, outside his apartment in MonoTown, LA. According to Mulligan, anyway.
Other toothpicks of note:
- Popeye
- Jim Davidson
- Spartacus
- Anyone with a mustache living in Arkansaw
- My mom
Colors of Toothpicks[edit]
The only detected colors have been Yellow, Blue, Green and Red, although in their infancy toothpicks can look like tiny bits of pine. This table shows the colors, and typical numbers of toothpicks they travel in. Rarely is a toothpick seen alone. People who can not recognize color because they are dogs, or just blind, can use the following methods of identification which has been scientifically proven as the best form of identification through color blindness. Of course, if you're in doubt, you can ask for validation and help and support by calling the Toothpick Identification Hot line. The number is 06 666 6 666
Other identification marks:
- Bent stick - typically from Yellow gang
- Tip gets soggy easily - probably from the greens,
who soak up moisture real quick - Splinters - these are the blue ones, for some reason they fall apart at the slightest noise
Toothpick Artists[edit]
Some toothpicks like to see themselves as artists, but they tend only to be able to draw in straight lines. The poorer cousin of their cousins, Dominos, they attempt to build buildings, skyscrapers, boats, trains, cars even planes by desperately sticking to each other using chewing gum, or anything a bit sticky. Often the most common cause of death-by-snapping, they do not always succeed as the biological make-up of these thin and useless beings, doesn't even register in their almost no-room-for-a-brain-only-vengence tips.
Some well known Toothpick Artists:
The most famous painting by a toothpick was sold at Christies for $6.90, a world record. Unfortunately, the private collector who purchased the piece tripped and fell over it, and had multiple stab wounds he never recovered from. Someone (some think Toothpick Charlie was to blame) then set the building on fire, so the original Toothpick art was reduced to a pile of ash.
Life Cycle[edit]
It's exceptionally rare to see the birth of a toothpick, but here we actually set up camp in a dark dark forest far far away, and after 14 years of daily watch and patient filming, finally we were able to capture that beautiful moment. And, despite what many scientific scientists might say, there was NO SOUND.. not even a peep, as the Mother-Pick gave birth in peaceful surroundings to her Baby-Pick. It was quite honestly the most moving moment in any Actual Uncyclopedia Journalist of Real Life Events As They Happen, or AUJORLEATH, as they are more fondly known.