“I have nothing to declare but my limited edition Harry Potter wizard hat and glasses.”
Just Kidding Rowling on the Floor Laughing Out Loud (or just J K ROFLing) is a plagiarising, wrinkly, old billionaire who created the Harry Potter books, which are popular with children, World of Warcraft players and adults who still wear nappies. Coming from a poor background, she has risen to become the most powerful woman ever, adored by millions of devoted fans, i.e drooling sycophants. If she is not in court suing someone for ironically making a stupid rip off of her books, she is dreaming up more ways to make money with more copied sequels.
With her complex plots, memorable characters and detailed locations, she has captured the hearts and weak minds of readers all over the world. She keeps the captured hearts in a sealed, refrigerated vault two miles below her mansion. Nobody knows what she does with the minds. She certainly doesn't use any of them, that's for darn sure...
J. K. Rowling was born in a scrapyard in Bristol, the seventh child in what eventually became a fifteen child family. From an early age, she demonstrated a lacklustre talent for writing and wordplay, dubious talents that were of little use to her as she was expected to scavenge for old tin cans and tyres by the villainous scrapyard owner, a Mr. Henry Harper Collins. Protests by her family that she would be more efficient if she were able to selectively collect only the good tin cans were ignored. However, she was able to teach herself to read from the ingredients and nutrition information on the labels, and managed to convince a local high school to accept her, based on the quality of her humourous short story Red Kidney Beans in Sugared, Salted Water.
At the age of seventeen, Rowling discovered that she had been adopted and was really the secret love child of C.S Lewis and J.R.R.R.R.R.R Tolkien, both authors are now turning in their graves. With this discovery she realised that she was indeed destined to write awful, by-the-numbers, plagarised fantasy novels and also to stop using her first name and replace it pretentious sounding initials instead.
In 2007 she donated 7 hand-scrawled in purple crayon and blood books on Harry Potter to friends, insisting that they never be sold as they are unique. All her friends treasured their books until Rowling decided to order a massive print-run of each book on the market, thus upsetting all her friends.
She later went on to get a Desmond in French and Classics from Exeter University, which just goes to show that a Desmond isn't the career crippler that everybody says it is. It also demonstrates how easy these subjects are.
JK Rowling spent many formative years working for Amnesty International, an organization that makes people feel better about themselves by encouraging them to write nasty notes to African dictators. The organization discourages the entirely apt notion that such notes are most often used as toilet paper. In case anyone hasn't noticed, Voldemort and the Death Eaters share similar ideologies with many past and current dictatorships.
Happy Rotter-The boy who decayed joyfully
Whilst traveling from Manchester to London, while claiming Job Seekers and as such actively looking for work (not on a shopping trip to London at the taxpayers' expense), her train was attacked by Welsh bandits. They captured her and tied her to the train tracks, hoping to coerce her into revealing the twenty-one letters of the alphabet that weren't W, D, Y, L or F. It was during this ordeal that she first had the idea for Harry Potter, and as soon as she conceived of that thought, a large snowy owl appeared and drove the bandits away.
Still tied to the train tracks, she appealed to passers-by to help. But they all refused, fearing that they too would fall victim to the bandits, and hurried on their way. After four hours of being tied to the tracks, she had sketched out the basic Harry Potter "plot" line in her head, including Hagrid's death at the hands of Mrs. Weasley in book seven. (Spoiler warning!) Eventually, her cries were unfortunately heard by Robin of Bloomsbury, the hero of Sherwood, and he cut her loose. He also bought the publishing rights to Harry Potter for a handful of shiny pennies. He did warn her that there was no money in children's books, advising her to keep her day job of collecting wonky staples from offices and bending them back into shape.
However, he was quickly proved wrong, as the stupid Americans gave her a $100,000 cheque for Harry Potter. This cheque, as she later recalled, 'almost killed me', mainly because it was made of solid lead and dropped on her from a great height at a bungled publicity event.
J. K. Rowling is rich. Richer than the Queen. Filthy, stinking, unbelievably rich. She never goes anywhere by car, preferring to travel in a solid gold steam train fueled by insane fan mail. If there are no train tracks, she simply has them laid down and ripped up after she's gone. Her mansion contains six hundred bedrooms, four ballrooms, two concert halls, 3 amphitheaters, biogas plant, nuclear reactor(which she uses to light he house's enormous needs, airport, 3 soccer stadiums, Hogwarts a nuclear bomb shelter, a spaceport, a ballet school, a chamber of secrets and an organic farm. The mansion does not, however, employ any cleaners, since anything that gets dirty or dusty is immediately thrown out and replaced, be it a wrought silver bathtub or a 15th Century cathedral organ. She not only has a large collection of Faberge Eggs, she also has a jeweller's workshop for making them and a furnace for melting them again.
38% of the United Kingdom is owned by J.K. Rowling, excluding the Channel Islands and the Isle of Man, which she bought outright and gave to her children as good-behaviour presents. If she ever decided to buy Tesco, it is estimated that she would own more than 100% of Britain, triggering an ownership singularity which would result in her owning everything that currently exists, will exist or has existed.
Her husband earns about £100,000 a year, about the same amount that Rowling earns from dotting the 'i' in 'Hermione'.
Rowling has given birth several times to several different children, but not in that order. Because their very existence delayed the release of new Harry Potter books, fans of her books cursed the days on which these children were born, but not with wizard curses, but with nerdy, fist-clenched mumbling-under the breath curses.
Her family currently lives in Edinburgh, Scotland. Her exact address is kept a secret by her secret keeper, the Queen of England. As an added security measure, the mansion itself is unplottable. This prevents rival authors, paparazzi, fundamentalists and people who know what a good book should be like from launching a full-scale invasion her home.
J. K. has many enemies, and has invested in her own private army, navy and air force to counter this threat. The J. K. Rowling Defence Force is currently rated the seventh best military in the world, just above Saudi Arabia and just below Israel.
Supposed ascent into heaven
In early 2007 prior to finishing the last Harry Potter book (Harry Potter and the Itchy Hob-goblin) JK Rowling fought back a crazed Dutch fan's allegations that she had ascended into heaven for a 'one-on-one' with The Evil Snargluff, or 'God.' Hundreds of towns people from Hogsmeade, where it is believed JK Rowling lives, sided with JK Rowling after blatantly denying watching her rise gracefully into the clouds at approximately 11:03 AM on February 2nd, despite the Dutch fans recollections of the morning.
Rowling has been involved in a number of lawsuits and fist fights with regard to Harry Potter. One of the most famous is the time she sued the author of the Harry Potter fansite 'The Harry Potter Lexicon'. The New York trial included much hissing, biting and cat-calling between JK Rowling and the site's owner.
In the late 1890s Nancy Stuffer, owner of a chain of children's homes founded in the Victorian era, alleged that Harry Potter was a child in one of her homes. This led to a vicious fight with Rowling as Stuffer got stuck in, having gone round late one night and put a couple of bricks through Rowling's windows. Rowling came out and they rolled about on the outside lawn exchanging punches, Stuffer alleged that Rowling used witchcraft to win the fight and that the details of Harry Potter similarly had been obtained by witchcraft - anyway the fight ended with Rowling seated on top of Stuffer's chest, Stuffer was then taken away by the police, prosecuted for breaking the windows and sued by Rowling for not keeping off the grass. Later police found a large number of broomsticks in Stuffer's B&B and she was burned as a witch.
Chinese Publishing House, Ta Yao Chen
Ta Yao Chen, a author who writes books for the Chinese Publishing House, wrote a Harry Potter book titled "Harry Potter and the Get Rich Quick Scheme". They were immediately sued by Bloomsbury on behalf of Rowling for piracy. Chen resisted arrest, ordering his frigate to fire a full broadside. Rowling immediately ordered the ship's wizards to repair damage and for Christopher Little, the ship's chief quartermaster, to take out Chen's sails and start a boarding action with the Legal Marines. After the grappling Rowling then engaged a drawn out sword duel on the decks of JKR Navy Flagship, JRS Dumbledore. She eventually gained the upper hand and disarmed Chen. Then they burned his manuscript as a warning to others. The Navy vows to continue the fight against Chinese pirates.
In 2003 Rowling and her lawyers sued after Lapland World Distributors one Christmas handed out copies of Harry Potter and the Handkerchief of Bogies to every little child in the world, so to pay for her train, Rowling had had to immediately run off a sequel, in a deal with the publishing house using a time machine the parents were invoiced retrospectively if they wanted to keep the books and Rowling made more money than ever.
Rowling had yet another lawsuit at the attempted pushling of Lara Croft and the Chamber of Secrets. Rowling sued Ms. Croft for plagiarism, claiming that croft had based the content of her book off of Rowling's own series. Croft's lawyers countered that "They're both women, both British; of course their books are going to be similar!". Rowling won the case, and Lara's story was rewritten and sold as a series of video games. While no one from the case could be reached for comment, sources say Rowling won "because the chick with the big tits wouldn't sleep with the judge." No word yet on the Indiana Jones and the Philosopher's Stone case.
In 2003, the television astrologer Russell Grant attempted to sue Ms Rowling over his claim that she had based the Harry Potter novels on his early life. Though the case was thrown out of court Russell later claimed to have placed a curse on Ms Rowling that would result in her "p***ing turqoise" for the rest of her natural life.
And she now has the money to do many things she once wanted to do, such as:
- Sliding backwards down the banisters of Stately Homes.
- Writing on EXPENSIVE napkins.
- Taking baths in money.
- Flaunting a dollar bill in front of the Queen's palace.
- Eating money.
- Puzzling out exactly how cuckoos in those clocks have such a good sense of time
- Trying to start controversy by saying that certain characters are gay, resulting in a massive burst of media attention and even more money.
Opinion on mathematics
- Lord Voldemort
- Enid Blyton
- Roald Dahl
- The Scary Story Of The Scary Scottish Scotsman
- Bored of the Rings
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