Owls. Everyone is fond of owls (except for mice and shrews -- and Simon Cowell.)
Owls are the held to be the wisest inhabitant of the otherwise unsignificant planet Earth, ranking far above dolphins, elephants, and turtles. This is due the fact that they are frequently observed to do nothing but sit and observe their surroundings, contemplating, scheming, and exuding an air of smug creepiness when not busy being fluffy and cute. They are also capable of telepathically locating prey under a foot or more of snow, a feat some humans erroneously attribute to their acute sense of hearing (and also a contributing factor to their noticeable absence from the list of wisest animals).
A well-known native of the Internet, Scoff Owls, also named the Doubting Owl (Bubo doubtus), are known for their durability as n00b-tackle cannon fodder in dense or retarded situations. According to the common social error, they might have been directly involved in the invention of Earth during the Ancient Times. Silly.
Electronicus emota is a highly elusive species that is rarely seen except in exorbitant coffee shops. Their calls are unique among avians, resembling airy sighs that can last upwards of 3 minutes, and have been known to attract the unsightly Emo. This is also the only known species of owl to have their own city. A classic example can be seen in the illustration to the right.
Welsh Marsh Owl
- Main article: Welsh Marsh Owl
It's Welsh. Very few have tried to pronounce its proper name, and only one survived the attempt, having begun when she was 2 years old.
Owl of Thebes
- Main article: Kent Brockman
As a mythological being, this owl can only be found in the Dreamtime, which is a small town located in the Australian outback.
The Strix is a deadly predator of Man which resides in the deep, dark woods, stalking those who encroach its domain such as campers, lost children, and Furries. Women, as they are now no longer Men, are safe from predation by Strixi.
The Strix can be identified by its distinguishably horrifying shriek, made prior to swooping in for the kill because it
has been confirmed is suspected that adrenaline makes flesh taste gamier and thus better.
These owls can be seen frequenting the feeding grounds of trolls. They are not dangerous, but can overwhelm the sensibilities of a traveller. They have been seen to lure victims to the clutches of trolls, subsequently feeding off the discarded dignity and panache like the scavengers that they are.
The owl is believed to have been first domesticated in 924 BC. Bred for speed and ferocity, they were an invaluable hunting aid to early humans. It is believed that a Tyrannosaurus Rex could be taken down by 30 highly-trained owls; fewer than that, even, if they were armed with hand grenades.
Okay. Look, I've about had it. Here you send me on this stupid assignment -- okay, fine, so it comes with the job description. But when I ask for some support in providing you with your story, you tell me to "be resourceful." Okay, here's a nice juicy resource for you:
- There once was a Man and a Pelican.
- They lived in a house up in Mellikon.
- What they did, I don't know, but it just goes to show
- How much it helps to have --
The Editors would like to direct the attention of any prospective journalists to our Human Resources figurehead with the latest information regarding our recent openings.
"Everybody wants to be a cat..."
Members of the Felinia nation have repeatedly denounced the supposedly superiour hunting abilities of the Owl as
- (...) propaganda meant to undermine the respect one naturally purrs for any representative of the Feline race! Let those who despise us beware! You who think we are so cute: We shall claw your eyeballs out while you sleep!
Damage & Spin representatives from Felinia were later unavailable for clarification of the previous statement.