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“I can't see a shit.”

~ Oscar Wilde on dark.

What, you want a whole article about it? Fine...


Before the dawn of time, there was only eternal darkness. Humans fear the dark and go to vast lengths to avoid it. When the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland was first switched on, all the scientists carried flashlights, just in case. (They also wore protective lead boxes over their genitals, but that is another matter.)

In order to banish darkness, it was necessary to invent light. This was not as easy as you might suppose. For one thing, finding the necessary materials was next to impossible, and it was many, many years before some bright spark. The bright spark's name was Lucifer, and he did it on a bet. The bet was, "If you can invent a cure for all this beastly darkness, we'll give you the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven." Lucifer smiled a thin-lipped smile, rubbed vigorously at his crotch (no one could see, so that sort of thing went on all the time) and said in melodramatic tones, "Aaaallrighty then...."

His invention, The Spark, was not an instant success. Many previously devoted married couples suddenly took one look at each other and recoiled in horror; whole interior design schemes had to be abandoned; roads previously thought to be straight were discovered to be crooked, and so on.

The main disadvantage to The Spark was that the only way to create it was to bang pieces of flint rocks together. Of course rich people could afford to employ whole teams of sparkers, who banged in sequence, thus providing a steady chain of sparks, rather like in an old black & white movie. When done just right, this produced an exciting strobing effect, and such teams were highly popular at early 'rock concerts'.

But with the advent of sparks, it was possible to invent more stable light sources, such as the Lighted Fart, the Synchronised Lighted Fart, and the Grand Slam. A Grand Slam was when an army standing with their backs to the enemy was all fed beans and all lit their farts at the same time. During one Grand Slam, more than 12,000 sparkers were spontaneously incinerated, and the practice fell into disrepute.

Darkness Ban of 1945[edit]

Darkness was banned completely in the USA in 1945. Scientists dropped two atom bombs on an island off the coast of California called Japan which have been providing a steady glow ever since. This is why California is such an artificially light state, and as you progress Eastward across the country, it becomes darker and darker, until you pass the mid-way point, whereon the light from the Three Mile Island Atomic Power Station provides light for the whole Eastern Seaboard.

Europe quickly followed suit, with the Chernobyl Nuclear Light Source in Russia. All over the Western World nuclear power plants are being exploded to provide more and more light, so that nowadays, when astronauts travel into space, they are able to read comics by Earthlight without any additional light source, thus saving energy.

To be "shrouded in darkness" is the state of being surrounded by Dark, making the object/person invisible. The Dark Lord is most often found wearing one of these shrouds of darkness. Slipknot. Yes, slipknot.

Dark Permeation[edit]

Darkness permeates every point in the universe.

Devices like light bulbs and thermonuclear fusion reactors work by sucking out the darkness returning it from whence it comes into the fourth dimension. When moving from 1 dimension to 2, to 3, to 4, time remains something different. There is no such thing as light. Only dark is real. When there is no dark we can see stuff.

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus, they now call these bulbs dark-suckers. The dark theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesman, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark-sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example the dark-suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark-suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked in to it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must either be emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can be operated again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. Thus, it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of the dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of the lakes and push it through turbines which generate electricity and help push dark to the ocean, where it maybe safely stored. In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our live much easier. So, the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember that it is indeed a dark sucker!

A Light in the Dark (Part II) Volume I, p. 2. Bell Laboratories Newsletter, (4/88) In Part I of this series, the general scope and evidence of the dark sucker theory was discussed. The three basic tenets of the dark sucker theory are that (1) Lamps do not emit light, they suck dark; (2) Dark has mass heavier than light; and (3) dark is faster than light. Among the corollaries not discussed in that paper are the following facts: Dark is colder than light, dark has almost infinite mass, and dark is extremely corrosive.

Dark is colder than light. While it has been generally theorized that refrigeration operates on the principle of expanding and contracting gases, in actuality refrigerators simply suck tiny amounts of dark from the surrounding atmosphere and inject it into the inside of the refrigeration compartment. This process is halted when ever the door is opened and all the dark is immediately sucked out of the refrigerator. For this reason it is wasteful of energy to open the door of a refrigerator too often. Dark has almost infinite mass. Although dark suckers have been in operation for nearly a century now, there remains as much dark as there was when their operation first started. When a dark sucker ceases to operate, the room fills up immediately with dark again. Stroboscopic photography has proven that the process of dark refilling a room occurs much faster than the process of dark being sucked out of a room. (This is why it is believed that dark travels faster than light). The corrosive nature of dark has been known for some time, but it has only recently received scientific study. Research indicates that although dark has one the highest corrosive pensions known to man, it must chemically react with the element being corroded in order to produce its effect. By far the best catalyst for this process is fire. When a wooden log is mixed with fire, it begins to suck dark. Friction from this process generates heat which makes it very dangerous to touch the fire. In fact if one gets to close to an object which is sucking dark, he himself can become a sucker. Many have speculated that it is the fire itself which produces heat, but that can be easily refuted by observing an operating soldering iron. Although it produces heat, it does not have fire anywhere near it. Therefore, fire does not produce heat. As the wooden log begins to chemically react with the dark it is sucking, it soon begins to have the same color as dark. In addition to this, the dark will begin to actively corrode the log. When the log is full of dark, it will be completely black with dark and will be heavily corroded. The fire, lacking the ability to infuse more dark into the log, will give up. One will observe, however, that the remains of the log/dark reaction will continue to emit heat for quite a while after the fire has gone. Yet more proof that fire does not generate heat. It is hoped that this information will prove valuable to mankind as he attempts to harness the potential stored in dark.

A Light in the Dark (Part III) Volume I, p. 3. Bell Laboratories Newsletter, (4/88) Having thoroughly analyzed the general theory and evidence of dark-sucking, Bell Labs instructed me and my staff to delve into some particular applications of the sucker principle. It was discovered by several of my assistants that among the many technological advancements in general suction apparatus, by far the most interesting was the dark-sucking diode (DSD). Formerly referred to as the Light Emitting Diode, this device manages to suck dark in a manner unique to itself. It has long been thought that incandescent and fluorescent bulbs emit light by two very different principles, it is now realized that they are actually very similar in their approach, and that rather than emit anything, they simply suck dark.

Described technically, these devices excite matter through electrical stimuli until their molecules are in an extreme degree of excitation. When this occurs, there is much greater distance between the molecules of the matter in question than there was before. This creates a vacuum between the molecules which must be filled with something if there is less vacuum in the surrounding area. Since 99% of all vacuum in the universe is filled with dark, it is no surprise to discover that dark rushes in to fill the vacuum created in this manner. The amount of distance between molecules that can be created in this manner is staggeringly large resulting in an extremely efficient device capable of sucking all the dark from an area thousands of times the size of the actual matter doing the dark sucking.

The fact that in one type of bulb tungsten is used for matter to excite, and that in other bulbs various gases are used is of no consequence. All of these types of dark suckers suck dark by the same principle of expanding distance between molecules and creating dark vacuums which suck dark from the surrounding atmosphere, and all of them will eventually fail because they are full of dark and unable to operate any longer. Please refer to part IV for details on the operation of the DSD. This will follow in a later message.

A Light in the Dark (Part IV) Volume I, p. 4. Bell Laboratories Newsletter, (4/88) Please refer to part III on incandescent and fluorescent dark suckers for related information. The dark-sucking diode sucks dark in a different manner altogether from either incandescent or fluorescent bulbs. A single dark sucking diode has almost infinite lifetime based on normal operations. Indeed, this very fact was one reason why the dark-sucker theory was never really accepted among many of the more conservative schools until recently. How could a dark sucker work forever when it was most certain to fill up with dark and cease to operate? In addition to this, the fact that the DSD was physically smaller than other dark-suckers yet operated longer was a source of great trepidation to most proponents of the sucker theory. Two of my top assistants, however, discovered the solution to this problem. An operating DSD creates and maintains a unique field referred to by my staff as the Schildt Vortex (after Margaret Schildt, who discovered the field) which has the following characteristics: An area of vacuum in the center referred to as the "pit" sucks a large amount of dark for such a tiny area, and an aril-like shell around this area conducts electrical current only in one direction. The aril produces some interesting side effects, some of which we are only beginning to understand. Among these effects are tiny electronic capillaries which reach into the heart of the pit and draw off the dark being sucked in. For this reason, the pit never fills up with dark and the duty cycle of the device is practically infinite. The dark is channeled into the circuitry surrounding the DSD and eventually works its way into the power source for the apparatus. The corrosive factor is avoided (see part II) because of the way that the unique capillary action of the Schildt vortex fuses the electricity and the dark on the sub-atomic level. My staff are [sic] currently busy studying this phenomenon and attempting to locate any effects caused by this strange side effect.

A Light in the Dark (Part V) Volume I, p. 5. Bell Laboratories Newsletter, (4/88) Here at Bell Labs, our researchers have been busy day and night studying effects which have only recently become known to us since the discovery of the "Dark-Sucker" theory, that lamps do not emit light, they suck dark.

Much study has been recently devoted to the study of the special problems presented by the DSD (dark sucking diode). Study of this relatively new destination of dark has revealed some rather unsettling news. It appears that during normal operations the DSD sustains an unusual phenomenon known as the Schildt vortex which is an electronic substitute for mass. This area is capable of sucking dark with greater efficiency than a tungsten filament and produces very little heat in the process.

The ultimate question which has plagued our staff for months has been, "Where does the dark go?" Also, they have been concerned with such questions as, "Why does a DSD produce virtually no heat?", "How can dark be bonded with electrons on the sub-atomic level? When does this bond break down?" , and "Is there really anything that can be done about hair loss?" Preliminary studies show that the dark is indeed fused on a sub-atomic level with traveling electrons during normal unidirectional current flow through the aril capillaries (see part IV) of the DSD. Unfortunately, it has become evident that this bonding, although useful for removing dark from a given area, does not last long.

Because of the extreme speed at which electrons whirl around their nuclei, coupled with the fact that dark does indeed have mass, the dark is eventually slung off into the surrounding area where it becomes trapped in the intra atomic void. This process occurs randomly over a given area anywhere between 3 feet and 30 feet from the operating DSD. This means that the wiring inside most domestic and corporate buildings are slowly accumulating dark. Concentrations of dark well above established safety levels for general living quarters has been discovered in nearly every demographic area surveyed. Statistically, the most lethal concentrations have been observed in houses with teenage children who listen to loud rock music. It is believed that this is because of the fact that many stereos utilize DSD panels for bar type metered output. In an effort to alleviate this problem, Bell Labs offers this special service: Anyone who sends a one-foot sample of their household wire, along with a modest processing fee of $69.99, will receive in the mail our diagnosis of the saturation level of their wiring and warn of any possible danger. Payment should be made directly to me, (George McConnel). All replies will be kept strictly confidential, and results will be returned in plain paper. Yes and a star is a light sucker and a Black hole is a darkness generator. Actually when you turn on your flashlight it sucks in darkness and stores in the batteries. When the batteries are full of darkness they no longer work.

Darkness and Grues[edit]

It is a commonly known fact that Grues live in the dark, pitch-blackness. In fact, you are most likely to get eaten by a grue

Getting Your Own Shroud of Darkness[edit]

If you would like your very own shroud of darkness to make yourself look creepy, you have several options. Well, really only a few options.

  • Be Goth. This option is favored by Goths, since it helps further alienate them from other people. Hey, a shroud of darkness is pretty alienating. Still, this option is best reserved for those who would wallow in their own misery rather than...
  • ...Become Evil. Being Evil is pretty cool, and there are all kinds of cool benefits. For example, you get a free lifetime membership in the Dark Lord's exclusive fan club! Unfortunately, being Evil is evil, and generally considered rude. Of course, you may not care about being rude, especially since being a member of the club gives you a chance to...
  • ...Be the Dark Lord. Okay, the advantages of this are pretty darn obvious. Not only do you get a shroud of evil darkness, you get to pwn the hell out of everybody, until the Good Guys beat you. Which they will.

Dark Matter[edit]

The main ingredient in Dark is dark matter. This stuff is pretty freaking sweet, it'll take your huffing to a whole new level. Just sprinkle a little bit on right before and... damn, that's good.

Anyway, if you feel the need to learn more about Dark Matter, click the link. I'm not gonna waste my time talking about that physics crap.