Ballroom dancing

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“The only way to swing!!!”

~ Oscar Wilde, on ballroom dancing or his homosexuality

Ballroom dancing, commonly referred to as "The World's Most Plausible Cause To Get Laid", is known for its subtle and not-so-subtle movements of the human body.

Originally developed as an Allied countermeasure to German break dancing, ballroom dancing was later adapted so that parents could enable their children to receive sexual education under the pretence of learning an art form. Sometimes they were too successful, so they ended up sending their grandchildren for dance lessons as well (and so on). Though the dances did eventually evolve into a modern art form, their roots as a substitute for chocolate are still evident during social dancing today. "Private lessons," improvement of "technique," and "contact sport" have all taken on double meanings; even formation dancing has become a metaphor for "wild orgies." Thus ballroom has had ups and downs, decline and growth, even sudden spurts of intense popularity, thus providing us with yet another fitting, albeit overused and somewhat crass, sexual metaphor.

A common misperception that ballroom dancing is "gay" has evolved for two reasons: some of the music originated in the extremely gay 1930s; and often women dance with each other while their husbands are preoccupied watching men in tight pants play American football on T.V., all the while afraid to dance because they've heard that it's "gay." However, queer studies theorists have thoroughly researched this issue: ballroom dancers are just as likely as fencers, badminton players, and Aussie-rules football players to pummel same-sex researchers who invite them to discreet encounters.[1]

Arse grabbing is compulsory

Ballroom has become increasingly popular because it is an enjoyable, social way to stay active and healthy. Television programs such as "Strictly Come Dancing" and "Dancing with the Stars" promote such a health-oriented lifestyle, while allowing many people to participate in dance without being the least bit social or active. Furthermore, with more and more sexual content on television, adults prefer their teenagers to watch such "decent" shows that promote artistry and fitness. Of course, youths already understand that dancing is really a simulation of sexual activity (as are most things to adolescents). This is the main reason Jim Bakkum won the dutch first season of "Dancing with the Stars": hordes of 15-year old girls voted for him, since they preferred to see him naked more than Irene van de Laar - which of course turned out to be a revealing mistake...


  • Walts: A dance innovation by Walt Whitman, Walter Cronkite, and Walter Matthau.
  • Foxtrot: A slow, smooth dance perfected by Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers (who did everything Fred did but upside down and wearing nothing but high heels).
  • Quickstep: Similar to foxtrot but faster, for those who lack the concept of suspended gratification.
  • Tango: A vertical expression of a horizontal desire, except when couples fall flat on their faces, at which point it becomes a horizontal expression of a vertical desire.
  • Vietnamese Waltz: Where you go round and round and round until you're so dizzy you see Ho Chi Minh City spinning all around you, or possibly Ho Chi Minh himself staring down at you, laughing.
  • Cha Cha: A dance dance with flavour flavour. Sometimes referred to as "Cha Cha Cha," an even more redundant redundant redundant dance dance dance.
  • Rumba: The dance of love, except that most people get the timing wrong. Like I said, the dance of love.
  • Jive: A U.S.-centric dance because it puts an American Spin on everything.
  • Sambuca: As you can imagine, this dance gets pretty rowdy.
  • Paso Doble: Believe it or not, a dance about bullfighting. Usually performed between the dance about polo and the dance about croquet.
  • Rain: You and several others dance around wearing loin clothes and face paint, completely out of rhythm to some jerk banging a drum, praying to Allah for rain.
  • Pole: A naked woman twirls around a brass pole bolted between the floor and ceiling while horny men sit quietly and set money on the stage.
  • Face Dancing: A large group of people congregate, in jovial spirits, before proceeding to dance over the face of their partner. the person who leads is the one with the ugliest face, as if they get disfigured no real harm has been done.

Popular ballroom-like dances[edit]

Look up Ballroom dancing in Undictionary, the twisted dictionary
  • East Coast Swing: A fast, exciting swing dance that illustrates East Coasters' agility, speed, and style. LOL!!!!
  • West Coast Swing: A subtle, sexy swing dance that makes East Coasters wonder what they're missing.
  • Lindy Drop: Lindy Hop for beginners, not. It is a complicated dance which involves a very varied repertoire of moves.
  • Shag: A low energy dance where people lie on the ground and pretend to be thick carpets.
  • Salsa (music) (mild): A social and flirty, fun dance that has taken dance schools by storm.
  • Salsa (medium): A little more than merely social and flirty.
  • Salsa (hot): Bump and grind at its finest, bumpiest grind.
  • Balboa: The sweetheart dance. Created because dance floors got to crowded. This particular swing dance demands a light connection and close contact with your partner.
  • Bachata: More-or-less an excuse for contact in places Balboa dancers dare not venture.
  • Moron-gue: A very basic dance for people with two left feet.
  • Mambo #1: "Hello, my name is Ralph. I'm thinking about taking dance lessons. But if you're not interested I'll just ask someone else. Golly gee."
  • Mambo #2: "Hi, I've just taken some beginner's classes. But I'm not very good. I'd like to try it out. Hint, hint."
  • Mambo #3: "Would you like to dance, madam? I'm up to the intermediate level, you know."
  • Mambo #4: "Improvement at Mambo has enabled me to dance with various women, and improved my confidence with the ladies immeasurably."
  • Mambo #5: "A little bit of Jessica here I am. A little bit of you makes me your man!"


  1. Gaye, Marvin. Getting the facts straight: Sexual Orientation or Occident of History?