Safe sex

Animation of two safes engaging in intercourse (courtesy of the American Institute of Vaultaic Reproduction)

Safe sex, alternately known as vaultaic reproduction, is the collective term for the courtship and mating habits of lock boxes, bank vaults, and other breeds of locked storage units, although the term is most commonly associated with household safes, specifically portable safes. Alternately, safe sex is a slang term describing human Sexual Intercourse on top of, inside, or otherwise utilizing one or more of the aforementioned storage units. It is not to be confused with safe hex, a series of precautions used to prevent the spread of pornographically transmitted diseases (PTD's) among humans.

History

Vaultaic Reproduction was first observed in the wild by noted English naturalist Dr. Richard von Reiter in Kenya in 1884. Before this time, the reproductive habits of storage units were a mystery to Western science; the only sources of information on the topic were the written accounts of missionaries, whose oft-distorted testimonies reported acts of mutilation, torture and cannibalism as common among safes in the wild. It is now known that cannibalism is extremely rare, and only occurs when copulating safes are exposed to the sight of intense undulation, such as displayed by many religious fundamentalists (see Pentecostals).

Since Dr. von Reiter's initial discoveries, much has been learned about Vaultaic Reproduction. The following section discusses its primary mechanics and outlines differences in technique between various vaultaic breeds.

Mechanical Overview

Due to a rigid exoskeleton, it may at first appear that locked vaults engage in coitus only through much difficulty. However over the eons, vaults have evolved numerous mechanisms to circumvent any obstacles the armor may pose. The primary method of coitus, as shown in the above illustration, is similar to that utilized by most quadripedal land animals. This technique takes advantage of a small opening on the rear of female vaults which, in addition to the proportionally large mouth present on all species of locked storage units, facilitates removal of contents from the body. It is for this reason that for many years scientists believed this copulation technique to be a form of anal intercourse.

Reproduction in Captivity

As locked storage units are notoriously reclusive, vaultaic reproduction almost never occurs in captivity. In fact, little movement of any kind is observed. It is believed that this lack of movement is a form of protective hibernation evolved for defensive purposes; it is widely known that a locked, unmoving vault is nearly impregnable. Such a mechanism is considered by many naturalists to be the epitome of defensive evolution. Unfortunately this immutability eliminates any chance of reproduction in captivity. Consequently, domestic vaultaic breeding programs are considered an impossibility.

Human Application

Several aspects of vaultaic reproduction have been incorporated into the mating rituals of human beings, most notably the "lock-and-key" technique practiced by several breeds. In humans, this has manifested itself in the form of handcuffs and other restraints typical of S&M.