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Bert after his religious conversion

The Muppets are characters in many children (and many adult) shows and have been used as assets for educating pre-school children and entertaining viewers through comic relief. They are also fun to watch when you are tripping. Sesame Street characters are not muppets, they are all humanoids from Tatooine. Johnny is incorrect when it comes to muppet knowledge.


Geneticst Jim Henson first created the muppets by mixing genes from man and a puppet in the 1950's. The expirament was meant to create a new compact super soldier that could pose as a harmless dummy until it reached it's target. When muppet codename 'Chucky' went on an unintentional killing spree the U.S government pulled the plug on Henson's so called 'creature workshop.' Looking for a way to support himself Henson took his cute and cuddly looking kiling machines on the road, forcig them to perform. This lasted until Kermit the Frog staged a bloody revolt and took control of the muppet family after killing Henson.

Deep down, we're all afraid to fall asleep lest the Muppets come feast on our brains


Muppets were known by and revered as gods by the local tribes from deep within the rain forests. The standard muppet is 3 ft long by 9.5 ft high, or 125.324 by 1.1 metres, and is covered in a pure white fur (sheds a new coat every 3 years) that is easier to use than wool, cotton or any other material known to man.

In the 1950's a young research scientist named Jim Henson was the first European to see a live muppet. He noted how the tribe had used the muppet fur to create all sorts of wonderfully dyed fabrics. He decided to use the fur to make puppets that he would call "Muppets" to distract the world from the very real animal he was slaughtering to make his puppets from. (the natives only used the fur from the sheddings, but there was not enough muppet fur sheddings to make the puppets en masse.)

When Jim showed his newly discovered muppet to the Queen, she was in such shock over the likeness that he dubbed the fair-haired creature "Miss Piggy" in honour of Queen Elizabeth herself. Jim later discovered one that resembled Phillip, but then found it unsuitable for human consumption and left it to rot in a trash can. Philip, being a big fan of Oscar Wilde named his likeness "Oscar". "Oscar", however, was not the least bit like Sir Wilde, and thus adopted the prince's nickname "The Grouch".

Jimmy was proud of his discovery. Not of the Muppet, itself, of course, but of the delicious bacon-wrapped velveteen frogs legs he was able to procure at the next royal banquet. Muppets then became a delicacy around the world, and with their parrot-like ability to spell, the master Muppet-slaughterer (who could not) made a fortune though his cooperation of exploitation (given the kid-friendly name of "Sesame Street").

The Muppet slaughter continues unabated to this day because of ignorance. If you chance to have a muppet pelt on you, though, you can get a fortune off of it from Ebay.

Some muppets had limited success outside traditional muppet movies and shows

It is a matter of opinion that all muppets originated by originally starting their origination in the original United States of Australia. Original supporters of this theory claim that this must be the original case since Australians spend much of their time around bars being loud-mouthed with their non-original complaints about Fuzzy Bea-yahr.

Please note: it is highly unlikely that this theory is original according to two old gits sitting in a box at the back of the theatre. Readers should be advised that this is nothing to worry about as we have paid Bruce Forsyth to set fire to them. No muppets will be harmed during this procedure (except the two on fire at the back obviously)

Sadly, the show's run ended in 1981, when the muppet, Janice, commited suicide on screen, causing happy little children everywhere to know the stark and ugly truth of real life. The final scene involved Janice drawing a revolver from her skirt pocket, putting the revolver in her mouth and pulling the trigger. The last scene of the muppets were of Janice's head stuffing exploding on to the camera whith the screams of children and the muppets being heard in the background.

Muppets From Space[edit]

Released sometime in 1999, Muppets from Space deals with the 1970 Apollo 13 mission to find the Rainbow Connection.

Starring Gonzo as astronaut Lyle Lovet, the film is famous for its attempt at a catch phrase: "Houston, we have a chicken", which is constantly interrupted by astronaut Fozzie Bear and his awful jokes. Kermit then yanks off Fozzie's space helmet, and his head explodes. The film is rated R.

The general plot line of this movie is that the muppet clan finally lost it warring with the smurfs. They eventually "move out" as to say, and find themselves in a strange space station. After immobilising a few guards, and devouring the space rocket crew's brains, they took off in their new shiny brain fluid covered space ship, and have many audience-disembowelling adventures.

The Muppets Take Manhattan[edit]

By 1982 the muppets had grown rich and powerful enough to create a private army. In a stunning surprise move the muppet army marched on New York and seized control in a brutal and bloody campaign of terror. Shortly after Air Force One crashed in the hostile muppet zone leaving the president stranded. Snake Pliskin was called in to save the commander and chief from the wrath of warlord Kermit Kahn. To date four full assaults have been made in attempt to recapture Manhatten and all have failed, the most recent caused more casualties than any other pupper-human war ever fought.


Felties first derived from the original god-like creatures known as Muppets roaming free within the rain forests. Prior to Jim Hensen's invasion of their homeland, a small green pirate visited from England. Having ties to a famous acting troupe under the name of Python, the gentle flippered pirate persuaded a particularly bidimensional Muppet to join his ship and return with him, in hopes of impressing aforementioned Python. When presented to the troup, oddly the Muppet answered to the name of Kermit. (This struck the pirate as odd as he had always fancied that name himself.) When asked to whom this "Kermit" Feltie belonged, one of the drunken and obviously derranged Monty chaps chimmed in a fake French accent "de frog!" So offended was the pirate at being mistaken for a frog, he turned to validating himself through relationships with a real pig.

Sadly, the Muppet was pillaged by the drunken, French faking actor and gave birth to what's commonly known now as a Feltie. Docile, yet far flatter in appearance than it's mother strain of Muppets, Felties enjoy dry humor and gin, often drinking themself senseless while rambling incoherently about politics and sneering at young American women.

The live Muppet is hard to describe due to varying morphology, however most scholars use the Aristotolean method to describe it as 'not quite a mop, not quite a puppet'.

Please save the muppets.

Anything Muppets[edit]

Anything Muppets are interchangeable, yet sexually confused Felties that can change into anything, hence the character title, you slice of shit.

Famous Muppets that you Never Knew[edit]

  • Jim Henson is secretly a muppet himself, and dreams of a world where humans and muppets coexist peacefully. To achieve this end, he assembled a team of superpowered muppets to destroy his archnemisis Bert.
  • Mick Jagger, once featured on Sesame Street's famed episode Gimme Shelter, sang various songs as "Cock around the Clock" during Kermit's sing-along.
  • Moe, from The Simpsons, broke the Muppet racial boundary, being the first Muppet ever to star in a cartoon; a happy day for Muppet rights activists.
  • Paris Hilton, daughter of Miss Piggy, retaliated for her mother's cruel slaughter by taking over the mind of the average American, providing cover so that otherwise-obvious Al Queda agent George W. Bush can operate unnoticed. Women who wish that they could be as thin eventually become muppets.
  • Elmo. Yes, that cute and adorable plush "tickle-me" toy that you have buried in your closet is really a MUPPET. His hideous plan is to create a "Tickle-me you".
  • In Soviet Russia, "Tickle-me Elmo" already tickles you!
  • Harpo Marx is actually the abandoned love child of Grover and Janice (lead guitarist for The Electric Mayhem). If you thought about it you would have guessed this one.
  • Michael Jackson. He started off as a young muppet, running free in the forest, but when he lost his coat of nice caramel velveteen, he went mad. Plastic, the closest material to velveteen, then slowly began to cover his disfigurement.
  • Honey Boo-Boo

Muppet Movies you Never Knew were Made[edit]

  • Burt and Ernie Make a Yaoi (see Manga)
  • The Muppet Movie Movie
  • Big Bird Goes to Drug Rehab, (a.k.a. Snuffy Isn't Real)
  • The Muppets Do Dallas
  • Kermit Vs Big Bird
  • Gonzo Vs Elmo
  • Kermit and Miss Piggy Make a Porno
  • Nightmare on Elmo Street
  • Reservoir Frogs
  • Inglourious Muppets
  • The Burt Identity
  • Muppets on a Plane
  • 2 Muppets 1 cup
  • Muppets Almighty
  • Full Metal Muppets
  • Kermit Gump
  • Saving Private Gonzo
  • Muppets Gone Wild
  • Raiders of the Lost Snuffleupagus

Collapse of the Muppets[edit]

Several events led to the downfall of the muppets, below is an incomplete list of these events.

  • Kermit the Frog becomes a habitual drug user - 1976
  • Fozzie Bear is arrested for a DUI - 1977
  • Bert and Ernie are arrested for sodomy - 1977 (later the charges were dropped along with a formal apology)
  • Grover is shot and killed by Dick Chenney during a hunting trip - 1978
  • Cookie Monster OD's on pure cookie dough - 1978
  • Miss Piggy is placed under house arrest - 1979
  • Sweedish Chef goes missing (had connections with Sweedish Mafia) - 1979
  • George the Janitor is convicted of child molestation - 1980
  • Mildred Huxtetter is brutally murdered - 1980
  • Gonzo is convicted of the statutory rape of Camilla - 1980
  • Elmo is convicted of the murder of Mildred Huxtetter (1981) He was later executed by firing squad in 1999.
  • Janice commits suicide - 1981
  • Fozzie Bear cuts his ear off while on mushrooms - 1985
  • Big bird kills himself in a 1998 ford explorer after finding out about the 9-11 attacks. - 2001

See Also[edit]

Evil muppets.JPG