|We welcome you to the Uncyclopedia Department of Tourism. Locals head for the beach on your right, kooks please REGISTER!
According to the Uncyclopedia Users Manual, a real “Uncyclopedian” is an Internet surfer karmically entangled with the locals who edit genuine, actual, original, authorized, veritable, attested, honest-to-goodness, kosher Uncyclopedia as a registered user, and who is usually derided as a joker within the wiki family.
A kook, on the other hand, is anyone who is either so lame or so gay as to actually loiter on the out-lands of the wiki domain. They mistakenly think themselves to be either too good or too gay for real Uncyclopedia -- little do they know that it is not possible to be too good for Uncyclopedia, although it is possible to be too gay for Uncyclopedia.
Bona fide: Uncyclopedia is ruled by exalted retards known as Unlluminatus. These abnormally fallible beings as well as most good-natured & patriotic locals are usually quite helpful to any registered beginners who sincerely beg for assistance in the ancient art of mirthful sarcasm.
Bogus: There may also be unsanctioned, unaccredited, unlicensed, unwarranted, unapproved, bootleg, pirated, wildcat, renegade, rip-off versions of Uncyclopedia that only exist on Earth to prove that crime costs, it doesn't pay. Avoid misleading imitations and copycats (such as The Onion) run by narrow-minded delinquents and other riff raff.
Where IS Uncyclopedia? The answer is that it’s in your PC. To visit Uncyclopedia please turn on your PC (or Computer if you have an Apple), log on to the Internet (if you don’t have DSL), go to your search engine and type in Uncyclopedia (just Uncy will also get your there) - then press return. Hold on for the ride!
Some time later, seconds in most cases, if you think you have actually arrived at Uncyclopedia you may be right. Just click Pee Review when you are ready to get 'wet', or click VFH if you’re ready to try your luck at joke telling.
If at any time in this process your computer transforms into a large aquatic mammal, then it may be a good time to reduce the dosage of your self medicational regime.
Uncyclopedians and Humanity
Kooks are hopeless geeks with 0 sense of humor, who pick their nose and sometimes discard the snot. They have no idea how to spell SXE, and on top of all these disqualifications they aren’t Uncyclopedians. In fact, kooks are so square that their clubhouse, Wikipedia, will not be mentioned here, not even once. A kook's life is totally meaningless and we won’t waste another kilobyte on the subject.
There are two types of Surfers: those who surf on Uncyclopedia and those who do not. Out of the first category there are two other types: kooks (unregistered users) and locals (Uncyclopedians). Out of these super-humans known as locals there are other two types: those who surf well and those who surf better. But to the point: Uncyclopedians are registered users who can usually surf well, or who can learn how to do this after a few lessons, a couple of weeks or months of trying, and those not afraid to get wet.
Beyond even Shangri La titty bar there ultimately is Uncyclopedia, the very edifice of sarcastic mirth. If you plan to visit Uncyclopedia as an unregistered kook be careful! In fact, it is advisable for you to become a registered user (local), even if you only plan a quick visit – because you will have done something to be proud of.
But if you become a registered user and aspire to Uncyclopedia
immorality immortality then prepare yourself to be initiated.
Uncyclopedian initiation procedure
The initiation consists of:
- Becoming a registered user (local).
- Getting adopted by a local mirth-master, if you wish to be. Some surfers surf alone.
- While being adopted seems like a simple step, the newly minted local needs to win over the kindness of an older local. This usually consists of accepting guidance from said local. If you are lucky enough to be one of the chosen few, you now have a mentor who you can assist you in the ludicrous ways of Uncyclopedia.
- Being joke-banned whenever the need arises.
- This may happen. Usually when you drop-in on a page that a current local is surfing on. There are only three rules for surfing here, but a multitudinous amount of ways to break them. You'll most likely invent a new way before too long.
- Enduring first pride, then humiliation, until you realize your own self-mirth.
- On the plus side, as you have chosen to become a local here, the journey from your current level of corn-ball to that of a joker is likely to be very short.
- Get wet in a pee-review to improve your sense of sarcasm and illiteracy.
- Having your article pee reviewed is like having a shower in the most golden of waters. Very much like that. Suddenly you'll realize that you have an inner core of a sarcastic bastard, and an uncanny ability to spiel funny shit.
- Taking a few gnarly wipe-outs on VFH much in the manner of a cyber Banzai Pipeline.
- Surfing on the waves of VFH can take getting used to. At first you may be voted out more often than not. Pretty soon though you'll get the hang of it, and learn how to face rejection with a smile on your face.
- Achieving a feature article and the laughter of your fellow Uncyclopedians.
- And once you've manage to do this, some other kook will try and ask you for advice on how to become an Uncyclopedian. And you will moronically forget how hard it was for you, and assist the sad little grommet.
NOTICE: During the "Uncyclopedia initiation procedure" escape is not possible if you want to learn to write and have fun. So once the Initiation begins there is no way out unless you bring a humiliating hand-written letter from your mom asking that you be excused.
Suing Uncyclopedia for hazing
If one is excused by their mom, or does not commit suicide, or otherwise fails to pass the initiation, they may feel despondent and consider suing Uncyclopedia. Be advised: Uncyclopedia is protected by parody, and Parody's dad can fuck your mom!
How to recognize a kook?
Uncyclopedia’s advice to all kooks is if you happen to visit Uncyclopedia don’t be so foolish as to log in without becoming a Registered User. Because you’re not yet an Uncyclopedian, and, God knows, "Uncyclopedians rule!"
Although there are a number of ways to avoid being joke-banned on Uncyclopedia, still, using the most alien computer technology unavailable and sorting through all post-historical data combining humor, parody and surfing, the essential conclusion may be summed up by Uncyclopedia in the following advice: