Gwyneth Paltrow

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'I'm so Goopy!'

“Apple and Moses are perfectly normal names for children.”

~ Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Kate Paltrow (born September 27, 1972 with a full set of silver spoons in her mouth) is an American actress of mixed Welsh, Jewish, Catholic and Californian heritage. Paltrow is better-known for selling an expensive lifestyle brand called Goop than her acting. As their advertising jingle goes, We can turn your poop into our Goop so it ends up smelling like roses. Send $1,000 for your starter pack. Froot Loops apply.

Along the way, Paltrow picked up an Oscar for playing a woman in drag in Shakespeare in Sex Changes,, and dated Brad Pitt until their nude holiday photos were published in a naughty tabloid. Paltrow then married miserablist British singer-whiner Chris Martin of Coldplay before telling the world their marriage had ended because she could sing better than he (apparently). Paltrow added that her marriage to Martin was now 'uncoupled' which was New Age Psychology speak for 'I want an effing divorce from this ass pain.' She is now married to Brad Not-Pitt, otherwise known as Brad Falchuk or to his enemies, 'Brad Not-Failsafe'.

Since Paltrow is now past 50, her Hollywood career is essentially over. If she is serious about acting, her future roles will be that of a wise old lady who gets about two minutes of screen time. Paltrow has instead concentrated on her Goop label and skiing into litigious optometrists in Utah.

Background and films

Gwyneth Paltrow as a man — a disguise that would get her stoned to death in Florida today.

Paltrow's parents were shoulders-deep in the film business. Her father Bruce Paltrow was a director and her mother Blythe Danner an actress. Being California liberals, they encouraged her to absorb all that decadent Europe had to offer, namely, foreign languages and the Riviera. Her blonde hair, fair skin, slender build, and generally well-scrubbed appearance soon got her acting roles. Paltrow quickly became in demand to flop body-wash products and perfumes her fans couldn't afford. Her major breakthrough was in 1995, co-starring with Brad Pitt in the fizzy-drink-inspired serial killer film Seven Up. She ended up in a cardboard box (at leat her head did). The film gave Paltrow star status and also a chance to sample the pin-up Brad Pitt before he got sullied by marriages to Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.

Her next boyfriend was Mr Dark Moody, also known as Ben Affleck. Through Ben, Gwyneth Paltrow got an acting gig in Shakespeare in Sex Changes. As Viola de Lesseps, Paltrow had to dress as a teenage boy (Violin de Lesseps) and bandage up her breasts to play a boy in 16th century London. Paltrow also had to find a British accent to play the role and expose her nipples in a romp with her main co-star Joseph Fiennes as William Shakespeare. The film was a commercial success. Paltrow won Best Actress with her co-star Judi Dench as Best Supporting Cameo as Queen Elizabeth I. Paltrow was 26 and unaware that her acting career had peaked.

In 1999 Paltrow and Affleck split. It was also the year Paltrow got her last best notices in The Talented Mr Believe it or Not Ripley. She didn't get an award and then her father got sick. Perhaps without his influence, Paltrow got herself cast in two terrible movies (Shallow Hal and Fat Body Double and Austin Powers: Pun Hungry). But even worse than these events, Paltrow married an Englishman.


Moses Martin

In 2002, shortly after the death of her father, Gwyneth met someone else wallowing in misery — and making loads of loot in the process. This was Chris Martin and his dirge backing group Coldplay. Mr Pitiful appeared to have landed the dream blonde. This gave Martin a boost to his bank balance. A year later, they married and, a few weeks later, 'Apple Martin' was born. Paltow denied she had named her daughter after an iPod. She said 'Apple was a name for summer' and also cider, to which Paltrow was now an addict.

The odd couple spent their time in England and the USA. Martin and Paltrow had a son they named 'Moses' who would later become a musican-rabbi. By now, Paltrow had downsized to appearing in Marvel films, playing Pepper Potts in the Iron Man franchise. She needed another passion. Paltrow came up with Goop.


Paltrow had long been keen on alternative beauty and medicine cures. She had used hot stones and suction pads on her skin to avoid any 'sagging'. Starting out with fronting foodie programmes about Spanish food and bullfighting. In 2008 Paltrow launched 'Goop'. Hopes were dashed that this was a misprint and that a troop of bonobos had been invited to throw their fruity poop at Paltrow. Instead, it was event long on weird cures for things you didn't need doing and short on how much it would all cost. The answer was: 'A lot.' This wasn't for the masses. How many women needed their vaginas hoovered? Would something the colour of sea sick 'keep your man hard' without Viagra? But with Paltrow's face plastered front, centre and back, Goop persuaded enough otherwise educated people to send their money for products tested on dumb people rather than dumb animals.

Divorce and marriage

Paltrow and Martin, coupled and Gooping

What finally drove Paltrow over the edge to end her marriage to Chris Martin isn't clear. She blamed their busy lives for breaking the marital bonds. In an attempt to soothe Martin's hurt feelings, she said they had been essentially 'uncoupled' since the birth of Moses. Around this time, Paltrow tried to push her singing career. Rejecting any help from Martin, Paltrow lent her needy/weedy voice to some dire cover songs that charted only in Australia and New Zealand. Paltrow did get some work from the TV series Glee, which was where she met the show's producer Brad Falchuk. This Brad was more her style so she ended her marriage to Chris Martin. Her last words to him were 'I hope this marriage inspires your future songs about me'. Martin has yet to fill out that request. Paltrow went on to marry Falchuk in 2018.


In 2019, Paltrow collided on a ski slope in Utah with retired optometrist Terry Sanderson. He claimed Paltrow had sent him flying and then skiied away without asking him for his business card. Paltrow denied this and in 2023 Sanderson took her to court. To Paltrow's discomfort, the trial was filmed as entertainment. Sanderson wanted $300,000. He lost the case but the jury only rewarded the Face of Goop $1 damages. Paltrow's performance was something less than Oscar-winning.

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