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A "Russian Rabbi".

“Silly rabbi, Trix aren't for Jews."”

~ Cereal Killer on Rabbis

“Oy vey, $9.95? Your station smells like gas and you're Charging $9.95? Bump off fifty cents at least...etc...etc...zzz”

~ Rabbi or any Jew really

A Rabbi is a religious leader of Jews. For the Jew himself, a Rabbi is someone you tell when you've seen your neighbour buying shellfish in the supermarket. Rabbi usually wear flowing and traditional black roles, preach of the glory of the soul and the munificence of the worlds beyond us in the Sephiroth, and drive a Lexus in keeping with the holy mitzvot.

History of the Rabbi[edit]

In ancient times, Rabbi was a Hebrew term used as a title for those who were distinguished for learning, who were the authoritative teachers of the Law, or who were the appointed religious leaders of their community. The Rabbi were commissioned to teach and uphold the Jewish Law.

As the Jewish law has been overruled by the laws of physics, Rabbi have been forced to get a new shtick as used car salesmen.

Rabbis are the most ridiculed peoples on the planet, second to nerds. This is mainly due to their fashion sense, or lack thereof. The official Rabbi Uniform Code states that "All clothing must be as black as the heart of that putz who cheated me out of fifty dollars, the lousy schmeckl." Hat styles may vary according to sect and opinion on animal rights, but must look silly, causing everyone to gawk and point at you as you shuffle down the street. You can then accuse them all of being anti-Semites or self-hating Jews.

How to become a Rabbi[edit]

No.1 bestseller among hasidic rabbis and korean schoolkids: the "Lilmod" (babylonian edition).

Men who have studied the Frassk In Pisk, or Jewish Laws, and performed the act of Farshnickert have the right to become a Intern-Rabbi. To become a rabbi, a would-be rabbi must defeat another rabbi in mortal combat. The victor holds his opponent's blood-stained tefillin to the sky while howling verses from the Book of Solomon as the other man's beard is ritualistically sewn to his flesh in honor by a mohel. For the next nine years, the Intern-Rabbi will then follow his Gedempte flaysh, or Rabbi Sensei, and learn the ancient art of the Rabbi. After completing his nine year internship, the Intern-Rabbi will then move up a rank to become a Level Seven Paladin/Rabbi, and will have to gain 790,000 experience points to move up to the next level. Experience can be gained by converting people, increasing the Jewish community's wealth, or battling trolls. After the Level Seven Paladin/Rabbi acquires enough experience points, he will then trade it in for the Beard of +3 Nechvenin. He will then become a full-fledged Rabbi, one of the toughest monsters on World of Warcraft.

Did You Know?[edit]

The "Baba Yaga" tract of the Babylonian Talmud was apparently written by the Wicked Witch of the West. It is used by rabbinim who choose a Chaotic Evil alignment, or who like apples.

A Rabbi once wrote a book? His name was pronounced, "Shababa Abloo", or in English, Al Gore. He wrote a book about the truth of the Jewish religion, entitled, "How To Cook A Steak". The Jewish people once worshiped Jebus, but then people got bored of Jebus and threw him away in 163 B.C.. Jebus was very mad. He then invaded bodies of new borns until they were dead. Then their kids would have the "Jebus seed", but would not be affected by it, though their kids would. This would go on and on and on, causing more evil people. This is why we have people like Adolf Hitler, Communist, and Walt Disney. The end also had a preview of his upcoming book, "How To Cook Training Wheels". It's about a small Jewish boy who finds the super Jesus crystal in a McDonalds bathroom and becomes the Massiah of the Jewish religion. The Atheist people then get mad and go to war with the Jews.

Oy Vey!: Facts About Rabbi[edit]

  • The typical food for a Rabbi: bagels with shmear.
  • Most Rabbi talk in a weird language called Utini, also spoken by the Jawas of Tatooine.
  • The plural of Rabbi is Rabbit.
  • Bugs Bunny was the mascot for Rabbi Rabbits, the children cereal.
  • Rabbi are not allowed to shave their beards off, the animals living inside them won't let them.
  • Jewish people can fly. But Rabbi can't, except on special occasions.
  • Rabbi are prohibited from driving a bus, unless the bus is made out of matzoh.
  • Rabbi are also prohibited from smoking cigars with a camel. (Exceptions are made for state dinners.)
  • Israel's Dimona reactor emits rabbiation and not radiation, producing 1.6 Gigabequerels of holy men and black robes per lunar period.
  • Rabbi have a super acute sense of smell. What? Oy vey, how dare you comment on my nose?
  • One Rabbi + One pool filled with JELL-O + One flamethrower = An adventure.
  • Most Rabbi have a tool chest. But since they have no tools, they keep bagels in them.
  • Rabbi speak Spanish fluently. They are sometimes seen conversing with Mexicans over coffee.
  • The Rabbi are lead by the Rabbi Council.

Rabbi Phenomenon[edit]

A strange occurrence sometimes involves a Rabbi: a Rabbi will be seen entering a bar closely followed by a Priest and a Nun or a Minister. The occasional talking frog will be seen with them. The group either orders something or says something to the bartender, then everybody laughs and the group leaves. The Rabbi, Priest and Nun are never seen again. Some believe that the witnesses to this event are just drunk. Others believe that these religious figures are sent by God to convert the bar-goers.