Virus (computer)

For the viruses that infect humans, see Get Some Sick.

A computer virus in its natural habitat.

A computer virus (plural viri, virii, or viruseses) is a little green monkey that invades your computer when you download pathetic Pac-Man games. If they manage to devour your computer's protection, your computer will start growing more and then infect other computers. The monkeys will then devour the terabytes of porn that you had downloaded about 5 seconds before.

If you get a virus and do not tell your parents, their computers will get infected whenever you send them e-mail. This will destroy their work computers, they will lose their jobs, find out you did it, and you will be disowned for ruining your family's life and subsequently thrown out of your house. If you get a virus and do tell your parents, they may throw you out of the house anyway. If you get four hundred thousand viruses and your parents throw you out of the house, at least you'll be able to pick Trogdor the Burninator and Homestar Runner's leg out of the slowly crumbling world and win the com-pay-tee-shun with them.

Types

The following is a list of some of the newest computer viruses:

• Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
• Cabal Virus: Scans for all Documents/Applications for the letters C-A-B-A-L and proceeds to terminate them. The virus then insists that it is not the Cabal as there is no Cabal.
• Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
• Amy Fisher Virus: It tries to destroy but only damages your monitor. Then it prints a message of its life story.
• AOL Virus: Every three minutes it tells you that it’s much better and easier to use than Earthlink, Netzero, or PeoplePC.
• Retro 1985 Virus: You can’t access a file unless you created it, and even then you need administrative privileges to edit files (But you need to obtain parental permission for that, which in turn requires administrative privileges…)
• Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
• AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
• MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
• Barack Obama Virus: Whenever you delete a file named “Yes We Can,” as soon as it’s in the Recycle Bin or Trash, the filename changes to “Thank You Satan”
• Congress Virus: Overdraws your disk space
• Wendell Floyd Virus: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
• Elvis Presley Virus: Will trash your largest document, then leave dozens of look-alike copies in unexpected places.
• Harry Foreman Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
• Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
• Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
• George Bush Virus: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
• Michael Jackson Virus: Your computer will delete all your files except for the pictures of your little brother and sister.
• Hipster virus: Your computer will automatically disconnect from mainstream stuff with the error message "I did that way before it were mainstream"
• Swayzak: Your computer will be invaded by an annoying Emperor Zurg ripoff.

The common virus. Shown here in 3x magnification.

Viruses in the environment

While they are often dismissed as mere non-sentient diseases, viruses possess a rudimentary intelligence, self awareness, and social structure. They prefer to remain in the company of sentient hosts, and dislike the negative connotation of the term infection, preferring instead to be called unexpected guests or surprise visitors.

Viruses are family-oriented, and mate and reproduce early and vigorously, though their organic similarities soon makes it difficult to determine who's married to whom. Despite best intentions, the result is a rather sick and incestuous biological orgy, which may explain why the most repulsive and socially inept members of the human species are often also the leading microbiologists.

When habitation of a living host is impossible or impractical, simulated bipedal life forms such as lawn gnomes and pink plastic flamingos can serve as temporary lodging. Small forest creatures have been known to help prevent your lawn "decor" items by going into a rabies like reaction and getting super powers that enable them to shrink to the size of a virus. The forest creatures then make makeshift weapons and armor out of all of the dead viruses they slaughtered. Just imagine how awesome it would be to see a tiny battle of Sparta with forest creatures, like rabbits and what ever live in the forest, fight to the death under a microscope!!!

Role human society

Anti-Virus McAfee

Viruses perform a vital role in society, bringing people faith, love, joy and eventual destruction. Some scientists suggest that viruses play an important role in wiping out the weak and evil. The main problem with this theory is viruses' tendency to attack the strong and good, thus making them the weak and evil. One must not discount a virus's role in organized religion. Thousands of Americans fall victim to viruses every year only to be miraculously cured by gospel preachers. This allows the church to maintain their strong-hold on the deluded public of their world. Viruses also bring families together. How many people have only realized the true worth and scabbiness of a relative when their life is threatened by smallpox? Viruses also eliminate the problem of wagging, skiving and malingering by creating a real need for laziness, and so abolishing one of the Western World's biggest downfalls. No one ever chucks a sicky in Tanzania, because they are all actually dying.

Treatment

To eliminate viruses rom your computer, there are three simple ways:

• You can buy a polio vaccine.
• Put the blame on the computer, manifesting scenes of senseless violence against that product of the devil with objects such as stones, papers, scissors with a rounded tip, kitchen shredders, mp3 players, backpacks, teachers, janitors, bells, priests, flutes, blind-deaf-mute-paralytic people, and everything that goes through your mind to renew your computer in a catatonic state of malfunction.
• There are many so-called "antivirus" programs, that do nothing but kill the malware like an old hound, sodomizing it to the point of death from dehydration. Simple isn't it? (Disclaimer: there is always a risk with this method, since the antivirus might contain another virus. Just scare it up a little and see how it responds).

Life without viruses

Life without viruses would be a very lonely place. Mostly due to the absence of something to talk about at the coffee machine, and the familiar virus alert every time you visit your favorite websites. People would become living divine gods that would then colonize other worlds and systems and eventually becomes viruses themselves. The end result would still bring a rather large case of wombats regardless of where you would go.