Tomorrowland
“Went there twice. Bad place to fish.”
Tomorrowland, homeland of the Tommorodaga tribe, is a member state of the Disneyland Confederation. The people of Tomorrowland are well-known for their emphasis on science and technology. Although Tomorrowland has striven in recent years to bolster its sagging tourism industry, the unhealthy dependence of its cultural institutions on such dull technical subjects has weakened its influence in the Disneyverse somewhat. This is especially true in the face of more visceral thrills found elsewhere, such as the Teacup ride and the Hall of Presidents.
Tomorrowland boasts the second-largest outdoor display of kitschy retro on the North American continent, second only to Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch.
Attractions[edit]
Tomorrowland is home to a number of attractions dedicated to educational entertainment (a.k.a. educatainment), including:
- Innovation Dungeons: learn about the importance of freedom in our modern world by becoming a Disney imagineer/slave!
- Star Warz Tourz: be amazed at humanity’s inborn talent of mercilessly commercializing 1980s pop culture.
- Tomorrowland DMV: marvel at the future of DMV bureaucracy as it swallows our world like an alien cancer.
- Walt Disney’s Carousel of Kitsch: Showcasing all the wonders of the World of Tomorrow™, including 8-track tapes, portable telephones, unleaded gasoline, and the Intarweb. Brought to you by authentic Disney imagineers *cough*fromthe1970s*cough*.
- Space Mountain: little more than eye candy. There are so many people in line that the birth rate there is higher than the rate at which people board the ride, so the line grows longer instead of shorter with each passing day. Because of this, the total waiting time is longer than the effective lifetime of Earth’s yellow sun—even with a FastPass.
Of course, Tomorrowland has much more to offer than educa… eduma… educata… school. According to Disney’s Great Council, commercialism is the highest form of human achievement; as a result, the Tomorrowland region is liberally sprinkled with tourist attractions modeled after Disney movies and toys.
In the Confederation[edit]
Tomorrowland has always had a somewhat strained relationship with the other members of the Disneyland Confederation, mostly because its culture is so widely divergent from the other lands. While the other members revel in appreciation of such cultural touchstones as Fantasy (in Fantasyland) and the Frontier (in Frontierland), Tomorrowland leaders have had a consistent history of always forging ahead into new realms of scientific research. Rival lands have always been critical of this policy, and continually urge the Tommorodaga people to pay more respect to their cultural heritage. “Tomorrow is always a day away,” is the rallying cry of adherents to this belief. Still, when Mickey Mouse the Great invited Wernher von Braun to Disneyland to improve his nation's military capabilities and technological infrastructure, it was natural that Tomorrowland would host many of von Braun’s technical facilities. Large number of slaves daily toil in his still-operational Peenamunde rocket facility. This research and industrial capability allowed Disneyland to become a military power (as witnessed in the stunning defeat of the Pirates of the Caribbean in the Five-Day War). Tomorrowland’s presence in the confederation has brought Disneyland great economic, military, and technological power, at the cost of cultural cohesion.
Another sticking point of Tomorrowland’s relationship with its neighbors is the ghastly humanitarian disaster of the Space Mountain Line (see below). The straining velvet ropes are unable to hide the stench of the unwashed thousands or the sight of their impatient faces from critical eyes watching from every direction. The Main Street nation has recently begun a petition to allow at least one third of the line-goers to finally leave the area (and most likely into Main Street’s souvenir shops, critics say).
Attendance Problems[edit]
Tomorrowland has always been plagued with low tourist attendance, mostly because the future depicted there is old-fashioned even by 1980s standards. I mean, seriously—rocket ships? Those are so 1955. Space planes are the future, man.
Anyway, the official propaganda bureau of Tomorrowland has attempted to prove that hundreds of thousands of people visit the region every day. They conveniantly forget to mention that about 90% of these “visitors” are permanently tied up in the waiting line to Space Mountain.
The land’s officials have tried to take advantage of this fact in recent months, luring ever-greater numbers to the nightmarish Line using misleading "wait time signs" like the one pictured to the right. At first glance the signs appear to say that there is no waiting time. After turning a few corners, however, the monstrous Line comes into view, stretching beyond the reach of sight. At this point the truth becomes painfully clear: those weren't double zeros - it was an infinity sign! But alas, once one enters The Line it is impossible to leave… and another permanent resident is added to the population of Tomorrowland.
Tomorrowland officials have already begun planning work for a new land reclamation project that would extend the crowded Line out into a nearby lake. The project will create space for another 750,000 line-goers when it is completed in 2008.
Conditions in the Space Mountain Line[edit]
The overcrowded Space Mountain Line, already containing over 4.2 million victims, is growing at a rate of 300,000 per year. With no conventional sources of food, water, or toilet, the situation in the Line is understandably bleak, with attendees forced to make do with litter on the street for food, and make doo on the street with litter-food. The mass starvation and poverty of the Line is said to be one of the worst humanitarian disasters on record, rivalling that of No Orleans and Darfur. Attempts at alleviating the horrible conditions have met with little success; Disney refuses to allow federal craft in its airspace to drop aid packages, and members of the Line cannot be persuaded to leave, as most of them have developed a fanatical belief in some kind of afterlife in the retro pavilion that looms in the distance.
The Future[edit]
Tomorrowland is the future, stupid.