EverQuest II

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“If I wanted to do something that sucked I'd find some company in the alley beside my house”

~ Oscar Wilde on Everquest II

"They said crack was bad and look at Tyrone Biggums, so Evercrack couldn't be THAT bad for me. Right?"

~ Tyler "Bob Dole" Swanson on Everquest II
The original Everquest II Cover, which was widely banned due to geeks masterbating in stores

Sony Online Entertainment made this strategy board game in 2004. A simple concept of a board game where any number of people could play quickly developed a cult following.

The board, called Norrath, is huge and hence EverQuest 2 is only played in specially designated areas, referred to by players as "Servers". Many Gamers have said that it is simply a game for people who never matured past high school.

Game Play[edit]

When a player begins, he rolls a 363-sided dice to determine how little social life he will have, with 1 being none, and 363 also being none. The person then chooses which class his character will be in, and can begin play, join a guild, or get experience points


Like EverQuest 1, a player can start in Mathematics, Science, English, History, or Gym. Unlike EverQuest 1, there are now classes that a player can take after they finish the class that they are in; A person who finished math class could take Algebra or Geometry next, for instance. There are over 1000 classes total, with 27 added since EverQuest 1.

A Mathematician can take many new secondary classes. Among them are:

  • Topology
  • Geometry
  • Making fun of people who take Gym, then running like hell.
  • Dealing with the fact that you'll never get laid.

Scientists have the following new classes:

English also have many new classes:

History as well:

  • Germanic invasions of Rome
  • French-German Wars
  • German invasions of Europe in WWI
  • German invasions of Europe in WWII
  • Germany: A bit over aggressive, no?
  • The collapse of American Culture
  • The Battle of Hastings: Get over it, it happened in 1066.
  • You Enablers of the Capitalist War Machine, You Never Drank Tear Gas From Nixon's Goon Squads, The Way I Did!
  • The French Two-Handed Salute: Welcome Germany!
  • The Rise of the Chun Li Dynasty

People in gym classes, feeling that they had the most restrictive class in EverQuest 1, were given a very wide variety of new classes:

  • Dodgeball
  • Tennis
  • Weight-lifting
  • Nerd-Tossing
  • Showering with other Naked Men After Class.


A typical EQ2 player taking a rare break.

Many players in Everquest 2 join a Guild, which allows them to, as a team, defeat higher level monsters and gang up on players who beat them up after class when they are alone. Guilds include:

  • Science Club
  • Math Club
  • Reading Club
  • The Bloods
  • The Jets
  • 31173 h4x0Rs
  • The Snapes
  • The Dumbledorez


Experience points, or XP, can be accumulated in several ways. The first, of course, is to go to classes. All players can get experience this way. Then there are ways of gaining experience that are realistically exclusive to one class. For instance, only people in Gym can get laid, which is worth 5 experience points, unless it's the teacher, in which case it's 10 experience points minus one for every year the teachers age is over 30.


Originally Everquest 2 currency was platinum, but then the game designers had not yet realized the poor physical condition of most of the players, and it was quickly changed to monopoly money, which has lead to inflation because of hacking by n00bs and (correct) accusations of cheating by the players who are too cowardly to report cheaters to moderaters.

I was here.

The current rate of exchange between EQ2$ and US$ was US$1=EQ2$354,679,493,763,658,756,831,666,253 two tomorrows ago. But, of course, there is no way to keep this up-to-date since Everquest 2 prices double every 5 minutes, leaving EQ2$ as the world's weakest currency. The Everquest executives are convinced that the situation is hopeless but they enjoy watching the n00bs stuggle and fail to keep up with the inflation rates. They are often disappointed, since most players play continuously days at a time, keeping up is easily accomplished by the most experienced masters of Everquest 2.

Real Life[edit]

While many claim that this does not exist, some Everquest II players have been known to claim that it is, in fact, a real place. True devotees of the game disagree. Spotting Everquest II players in "Real Life" is a rare occasion, and approaching these unstable people may result in unintelligible verbal diaorhhea being thrown in your direction, although little is understood, EQologists have heard the words "HAX U" and "NOOB" used repeatedly, although unsure of meaing, we're sure its something bad. Common reasons an EQ II player may leave their home into the so called "real" world, could be for any number of reasons:

  • Purchasing "Cheetos"
  • Purchasing "Timecards" [these allow a player to extend the normal day by an extra 12 hours]
  • Purchasing "Caffeine"
  • Meeting a girl [who is usually unaware of this actually happening]
  • Seeing their mother
  • Confused EQ II players often go out looking for quests and "ph4t 1007".
  • Purchasing "Expansions" [these enable players to visit new areas once they have memorized the exact spawn times and locations in the old ones]

Notable Players[edit]

(Not that anybody Cares)

  • Coyote Sharptongue: Ruler of the World and the first person ever recorded to "win" Everquest II
  • Tallika and his evil symbiotic beard
  • Josgar, the Best High Elf on Norrath (Or luclin or any plane or the void or anywhere for that matter): King of the High Elves.
  • EQ2Daily Staff: Town Criers extrodenaire!
  • Ultimaomega: Opposition of Josgar's Utopia
  • Greenion: Only person who can post in the message boards (OF DOOM) On Saint Patricks day without forgetting to post in Green!
  • Amana: Stalker extrodenaire, in his own "oppinion".
  • Jethal: the best bard ever!
  • NiamiDenMother: The last halfling!
  • Worker: the only Shard King in the game
  • Gethani: The most important person on Norrath (excluding Josgar of course) and has followers that flock to her known as Gethanites...
  • Vortexelemental: The bestest person on The Bazaar. As well as best High Elf below Josgar.