Uncyclopedia:Horoscopes/Archive2

Week 5/31/10

Your birthday this week: Gemini! Geminis tend to play it safe. You are well suited to such occupations as mindless drone, middle management, panhandler, manure research scientist, and palindrome. It is a little known fact that there are no Danish Geminis. Children generally don't like you, so you probably shouldn't procreate. Famous Geminis in history include Liberace, Idiocrates, the Mona Lisa, Mister Rogers, Queen Latifah, Larry Craig, Roger Moore, Mary Baker Eddy, the Ganges, Bob Dole and Ignatius of Loyola.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Practicing Muslim and Jewish Geminis should avoid travel to countries with arsenals that include crab cannons and Bat fuck howitzers this week. Take up smoking cigarettes. Your skin is crawling.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - There'll be mandatory drug screening at work, probably on Thursday. A chain e-mail will be in your Inbox; pass it along or risk spiders eating your spleen from the inside. You may be living in the wrong hemisphere.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The voices in your head are real, actual demons. That's pretty much the whole story.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Avoid beaches and mountains this weekend. In an ironic twist of astronomy and astrology, a meteor shower will devastate your town. For some reason, you make sheep nervous.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Be careful sexting to strangers and Communist party officials, they do not have your best interest in mind. The latter have no sense of humor either. You will be mocked by chubby people throwing squid.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You have untapped super powers. Use them wisely and keep them a secret. The world hates mutants, and if discovered, you will certainly be hunted down and killed.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This is a good time to take up painting or serial killing. Sagging breasts are the least of your problems. Contracting gonorrhea could work in your favor.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Invest heavily in soaps and deodorants. Don't eat anything prepared by a guy Micheal Ontkean. Take up golf, you'll look good in the clothes. Push "Press" to pull.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Guys, pretending to be Italian is not working for you, the ladies still hate you. Ladies, pretending to be a lesbian won't get that douche off your back. Try spraying mace up his nose. Still working on that symphony? Don't waste your time.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Clean the gutters of dead animals, or you'll have bad luck. Always stretch before running, or weasels will consume your sphincter. In short, animals are in your future.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Students, you can take it easy this week. You'll have good weather for hot, loud, late evening cat sex. It's time to start drinking the cheap stuff; you're getting laid off.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Get a better class of friends. The emergency room staff are tired of yanking objects out of your ass. Your suspicions are correct, everybody is laughing at you.

Week 5/24/10

Your birthday this week: Gemini! Your twin nature puts you in constant conflict, mostly with yourself. You have trouble making up your mind about everything. English breakfast or Continental? Latex or sheepskin? Your obsession with phoning customer service representatives and talking with them for hours about philosophy borders on the dangerous. You are well suited to be a scapegoat, proctologist or chiropractor.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week your pets will rise up against you. Avoid sports bars; your big mouth will certainly get your fat ass kicked. There is a prawn living in your left ear.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This is a good week to marry into royalty or money, or both. Your Windows 7 upgrade is watching you. There is way too much cheese in your diet. Compensate with garlic enemas.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You will make a new Jewish friend; unless, of course, you're a white supremacist. Take up a new language, maybe Khmer; it will get you laid big time.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Monitor your urine for odd smells. Investing in gold is risky; put your money into Scientology. Mind your own fucking business.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Loser, retard, monkey ass-master; get used to being addressed as such. Take up poker or Satanism to get your mind off it. Libra politicians are especially vulnerable to violence this week.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Wait a month to get married, or your dog will choke to death on the new dining room curtains as you take your vows; unless you don't like your dog. Your feet smell like ass, and your ass smells like... well, it's indescribable.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Stop using so many semicolons; they annoy your readers. Favorable outcomes this week for divorce, academic fraud, poisoning, hearings before ethics committees, and smuggling.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Stop scratching that rash or it will get infected. A family member secretly wants you dead. I said stop scratching that!

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You think you've been a gentleman, but she thinks maybe your gay. When life gives you lemons, make lemon napalm. Drive an alternate route to work; you're being followed.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Karaoke only encourages you to make an ass of your self; stop it. Buy that muscle car you've had your eye on. Assassins, be especially careful this week.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Bring a decent wine to your in-laws this weekend, you cheap prick. Don't worry, nobody saw you steal the coffee money from work. Be cautious opening mail.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This is a bad time to quit snorting glue. You see dead people. Don't waste your time on education. Menace old women on the street with live eels.

Week 5/17/10

Your birthday this week: Taurus! Taureans are so full of shit, a "full of shit-meter" would register "completely full of shit" when aimed at whatever planet they're on. That being the case, they can get a high paying job in any field, as long as their bullshit is convincing. If a phrase could be said to describe the average Taurus, it would be, "unelightened self-interest".

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Big tits are in your future. Unfortunately, so is big titty cancer. Eat more chocolate.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your doctor told you to stay away from pork. You're going to be on the toilet all week. Try shaving your pubic patch in a funny shape.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - All that time invested watching Adult Swim cartoons will pay off at the job interview. See a homeopathic physician for the bulimia. Swedish Cancers should avoid heavy machinery.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Quitting cocaine is easier when you stop buying it. There are demons in your pants. Simon Cowell wants to do you doggy style.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Use this time in prison to reevaluate your life. Your conversations are being recorded.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - As you've suspected, nobody loves you. This would be a good time to open a Chinese restaraunt. Eat your vegetables.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Save money on laser printing by mixing urine with the toner. There are sharks living in your toilet. The boss thinks you overheard him plowing Jenny in his office; use this for leverage in office politics.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - That degree you've just gotten from DeVry University must make you feel so proud. Don't tell your parents the student loans they're repaying are worthless.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your religion is wrong. Bette Midler will try to sell you a boat; talk her down, she's desperate. Avoid sea food, your mercury levels are almost toxic.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - All these years you've been mispronouncing douche. Apples new operating system is calibrated to your brain waves. Bring your famous "I found this stuff in my aquarium" borscht to the Boy Scouts pot luck supper

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Elephants are reading your mind. Give up the guitar lessons, you'll always be uncool. You've been thinking about telling your spouse about your dreams of sodimzing the dog; bad idea.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - That batch of garlic liqueur in the cellar should be ready for bottling. Space travel does not bode well this week, so call in sick. Smoke your cigarettes down to the filter. People will think you're a tough guy.

Week 5/10/10

Your birthday this week: Taurus! You're a big bully. That's not respect you're feeling from other people, it's fear. Or in my case, irritation. I've kicked your ass before, and I'll do it again, if need be. Your chums down at the pub are forming an Australian rules chess team; steer clear at any cost. Avoid buying insurance from that swarthy, good-looking fellow at the coffee bar; do buy better shoes for your big, ugly feet. Stop pestering the butcher to stock "human meat"; he's got no sense of humor.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your hallucinations are probably caused by an old head injury, consult a doctor. Be careful, the CIA has you under surveillance.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - The irritable clerk at the convenience store will be pissing in the coffee this week, just a heads up. His mother will shoot him next week after he will call her a bitch for the last time.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Cell phones and lion fish will be on your mind all week, try to ignore it. Your boss will give you a shit review. Don't take it personally, but rather, get even.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Time to try something new; bathing. Between your body odor and a steady diet of escargot and beans, it's little wonder you can't find a mate.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Give up the idea of writing a novel; it would most certainly suck, and never be read. Your father already knows about the ghosts escaping from your ass.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Sailors will hunt you down and fill your trousers with carp. See how long you can hold your breath.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Make sure to set aside plenty of vacation time after the electroshock therapy. You will forget your dogs name and drool uncontrollably from 2:00am to 3:12am every day until you die.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You will be hit by an asteroid on Thursday. Now how do you feel?

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Those oysters you put in the freezer are off, better toss them out. Be especially nice to your spouse, your affair is about to go viral.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - There's no business like the cocaine business. Your supplier heard from Nicky that you're DEA. Think about an unscheduled vacation.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - No one will care if you take your co-workers to a faux lesbian bondage club. That vacuum cleaner you like is on sale at Wal*Mart. Don't do it, because Wal*Mart sucks.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - A Bernese Mountain dog will bite chunks out of your legs on Saturday morning. Free up your afternoon in case you survive. There's a little booger hanging out of your left nostril... no, there... up a little... yup, you've got it.

Week 5/3/10

Your birthday this week: Taurus! Sign of the bull, you are tenacious, effeminate, and have a rash on your ass. Your sport is competitive borscht eating, your cocktail is a Harvey Wallbanger, and your dog hates you. On the positive side, that kid you're raising for you sister while she's doing a stretch upstate for armed robbery is probably not the Antichrist. Unfortunately, he or she will most certainly grow up to be a serial killer.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This is a good time to leave the federal witness protection program.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - The idea you pitched to the boss last week is a fail. Consider blackmail.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Start that all-prune diet now. A truck may slam into your house.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - That numbness in your jaw is a compartmentalized syphilis infection you picked in about 25 years ago. You'll be dead soon.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Stop letting your granddaughter read Uncyclopedia articles, or her parents will file a restraining order.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Stay away from curries, your neighbors don't like the aftereffects. If you play Monopoly this week, buy all the railroads.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You are about as interesting as English cuisine. Work on your social skills or you'll never get laid.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Buy an extra watch; the one you have will be crushed by an irate prostitute.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Don't quit drinking just yet. It may be the booze that's keeping you alive.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You don't have internet access. I'm not wasting time on something no one will ever see.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Yes, those are crabs. Promiscuity doesn't suit you.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Family will rely on you to be your usual asshole self. Might as well oblige them.

Week 4/26/10

Your birthday this week: Taurus! Tauruses are fun-loving and outgoing. If you were hoping you'd get more than those two personality descriptions, like perhaps a third one linked to some amusing (if not enlightening) article, then you are a very unusual Taurus indeed. All of the Tauruses I've known have been perfectly happy with fun-loving and outgoing. So what's your problem?

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Stick to your guns this week; the feds are going to be raiding the compound.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - I realize you're not from here originally, but I still think you should have observed Earth Day with the rest of us.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Make fun of the elderly at your own peril, because it's really a lot of fun.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week, tap that ass. No, not that one, that one's mine. Tap THAT one over there.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week, the demon on your left shoulder will finally give up, leaving only the the angel on your right shoulder and his dreadful "Don't go back to the bar" bullshit.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week, the advice of your coworkers will begin to ring hollow, along with their arguments against killing the boss.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your Indian name this week is Pathetic Weasel Who Fucks Up Everything. Indians are really wise.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - No, you misunderstood. I said "Go forth and conquer" last week. Stop comparing yourself to the first three guys who conked her.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your word for the week is justice. Your vodka mixer for the week is... just ice!

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Next time I see you, would you point out for me the guy who told you all that crap about your inherent worth as a human being? I need to explain something to him.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Unfortunately, the stars for your sign came down in the recent Milwaukee meteor showers. I got nothing for you. Sorry. Impressive show though, don't you think?

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - If anyone asks, you are not available this week. You have a lot of work to do on my deck.

Week 4/19/10

Your birthday this week: Aries! Being an Aries "is like a stream of bat's piss" , in that "you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark". Mormon missionaries are afraid of you, which is your one socially redeeming quality. People laugh at you often, and are disgusted by your foot odor. Piss off, nobody wants you. You have recurring dreams that you are Terry Jones playing the Prince Of Wales in Monty Python's "Oscar Wilde" sketch. You've just wet yourself.

References

The Rest of You Lot

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - That idea you had for an invention sucks, give it up. Thursday is a good day to air you futon and your grievances.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Buy Enron, and you won't go far wrong... or was that just wrong? Careful for that squirrel... AAAAAAAAA! What did I tell you about reading while driving!?!?

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - DeVry University wants you! A spot just opened for a PhD candidate in ""Skin Care". That little mulatto kid flattened your tires again.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your BFF posted a picture of your wiener on Facebook. Revenge is best served immediately.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Convert to a new religion this week. Wear lots of purple and mutter under your breath a lot.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You are one dumb fuck. Don't let your stupidity get in the way of your suicide.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your demented mother will throw you a birthday party this Saturday. Just play along, or she'll start smoking crack and stalking sailors again.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your boss is so wrong about anime. All the cool kids watch it. Buy that 1981 Yugo you've had your eye on lately.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - That little extortion scheme you've got working with the CFO will backfire. Move to a small town at least 500 km away, change your name and good luck!

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Surprise! You just went into labor! No time to finish that beer, call the mid-wife.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Consider studying philosophy, the employment potential is huge. Plant rhubarb, land mines and evidence before Monday.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Add 5000 words to UnDictionary and earn the nickname, "wordy douche". That pillow fight you had with the two sexy bimbos? It was a dream.

Week 4/12/10

Your birthday this week: Aries! Aries have no business breathing the same air as the rest of us. Slovenly, ill-tempered and litigious, you are most suited to occupations like picking up dog poop. The only famous Aries who wasn't caught blowing a goat was William Shakespeare, who lamented in 1612 that, "aye, an Englishman is surly, but an Aries sets me sphincter twitching." Face it, you suck, and you'll always suck. If you've made it through secondary education, perhaps you can muddle through life.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Keep a low profile, because most people want to kill you. You may see socks on sale this week; don't buy them, they're set to explode next month.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Don't get caught molesting that badger again, or it's off to jail for sure.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - That funny feeling you've had lately? That's mad cow disease.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The stars are speaking, but you aren't listening. That's probably because you play that fucking iPod at 11 all the time.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week several strangers may approach you and ask for donations. Be careful because they might be Hells Angels disguised as Jehovahs Witnesses.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Nobody cares about your acne, or your pedophile uncle, or hyena blazing. It's a good week to go on a bender.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - According to Fred Phelps, you're damned for even reading this. Satan looks forward to your arrival.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Try another tack with that hot IT manager. Being a complete douche bag isn't working for you.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your lucky number, like your genius, is imaginary. Stop having sex with your in-laws before Friday or you'll get amateur circumcision.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Yes, that's blood in your pee. Better see a doctor ASAP. You blacked out last night, so you won't remember that I kicked your ass.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This is a great time to buy a new Lexus SUV.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your church will vote you out for questionable morality. Do not despair. There are at least 40,000 churches representing 55 religions that will still have you.

Week 3/29/10

Your birthday this week: Aries! Aries are fun-loving, outgoing festering piles of stink. Look, if your birthday was last week, and you tuned in to get your yearly horoscope after having patiently waited with giddy anticipation for your bit of celestial wisdom from my omniscient spirit, you waited in vain. You should have known, as any true astrologer knows, that delivering horoscopes on the fourth week of March is the worst of bad luck. If your birthday is this week, sorry that I took up all your time addressing the whiners from last week. You should be all right this year though, as long health care reform includes a public option.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Remember, no matter how bad things are now, it will all soon pass and things will get better, whether or not you survive it.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week you will be dismayed to discover that that asshole Dave that you've been blaming everything on doesn't even exist.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You have been fishing for compliments a lot lately, and though you have caught a few good ones, you should know that they aren't dolphin-safe, and haven't been labeled properly.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - One would normally attribute success like yours to extraordinary genius, but in your case it's more accurate to attribute it to a watered-down definition of "success".

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - All you really desire in life is the respect of your peers. But this week you will have that plus a few bowls of Ramen noodles to go with it.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You will gain unprecedented insight into your own character this week when a Facebook quiz called "Which Orange Julius flavor are you?" reveals that you are "Orange".

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - In a spiritual sense, you need to decide how many turkey sandwiches you are going to want before God puts the bread and condiments away.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Be bold and decisive about what you wish for this week. What I'm saying is there's no need to be careful what you wish for, per the old saying, because there isn't a chance in hell of getting it.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - They say every cloud has a silver lining. But this is not true. So the saying is weak regarding its intended metaphor. But that's OK, because what it does do is highlight instead the fact that many of your troubles actually don't have a positive aspect to them. Which, bringing me to my point, is especially true this week. Do I need to go over all of that again?

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your lucky legs this week are the one on the left and the one on the right. All your other legs aren't going to be reliable.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You have deep-seated emotional issues that you trace back to growing up fatherless, but there is nothing that the man who spawned you could have given you that you can't learn from the 2001 Louis CK comedy Pootie Tang.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your dream of joining the wise council of elders comes to a bitter end this week when they determine that you are a hopelessly impulsive young fool who has no respect for the mystical ways of the ancient fathers. And that you stink.

Week 3/15/10

Your birthday this week: Pisces! And Aries cusps! Pisces are fun-loving, outgoing wastes of good DNA. Aries cusps defy all description. Look at these date spans we here at UnHoroscopes have listed. Did you notice that if your birthday is this coming Saturday, you have no star sign? Isn't that unusual? I bet you never noticed that, did you? Well, I did, months ago, actually. It's an error. You're an Aries. So why didn't I correct it, you ask? Just so I'd have something interesting to write in the "Your birthday this week" section this week. Now that I've done it, I'll go ahead and correct the error and we'll all just move on with our lives. OK?

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, you will say words that are complete nonsense to you because you think they identify a particular culture that you otherwise completely ignore, but that no one of that culture actually ever says. B'gosh and begorrah.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - In the end, it isn't about how much money you made, it's about how many people's lives you destroyed while making it.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your self-image is going to be very important this week, so be sure to cover all of your mirrors.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Actually, you should describe your recurring dream as "turning into a cylinder-shaped frozen hash-brown treat", because it turns out "Tater Tot" is a registered trademark of the Ore-Ida corporation.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week, you will get lost driving your truck to the local video rental shop, but a nice stranger will show you a series of plot holes in X-Men: Wolverine you can drive it through to get there.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - On your death-bed, you won't be regretting missed business opportunities or all the money that you didn't make. You will only regret not living to see next year's Super Bowl.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You may feel badly misunderstood this week, but it's the aliens' fault for not learning English before abducting you.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Bad news for you this week. You will win the lottery and become an instant multi-millionaire. I'm sorry, but I refuse to sugar-coat the truth. At the very least you had a pretty good life up until now, so take comfort in that.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - I know he hurt you in a very deep place, but do not allow a little thing like the betrayal of a friend cause you to compromise your integrity and do something you otherwise wouldn't. So go ahead and kill him.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This week, I expect you to do the unexpected, so you're in a hell of a quandary.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You won't be able to find a convenient cliff before you run out of gas this week, completely ruining your planned tragic-yet-triumphant Thelma and Louise ending.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your lucky Irish things this week are horny priests and Leprechaun shit. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

Week 3/8/10

Your birthday this week: Pisces! Pisces are fun-loving, outgoing minor domestic threats. This year you will finally face the music. That's right - you will finally need to deal with the realization that the back wall wasn't making all those beautiful sounds.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - There are two kinds of people in the world; everyone who isn't you, and complete morons.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - It's good to think positively, certainly, but simply calling the basement at your parent's house your "fortress of solitude" doesn't make you a Superhero. Loser.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Random, unconnected things will happen to you this week that will not reveal any usable deep truths about your purpose in life. Again.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Actually, if I were you, I'd look at your financial situation this way: you're only a thousand dollars away from doubling your net worth. Wow!

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - As a Cancer, you are constantly getting yourself into demeaning, degrading relationships. But watch out - remember what they say about too much of a good thing.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your recent vow to walk upright and do good is proving a surprising success. But this week, chaos and mayhem will rule your star sign, so at least there's that.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - If you are a Virgo who won an Academy Award on Sunday, then congratulations. If you are any other kind of Virgo, then die, you hideous pig-dog.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week, you may begin to feel like you are drowning in worry and grief. But lift up your chin, friend - it's actually the neighbor's pool.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Look at it this way - you will be able to count on one hand the number of times your kidnappers have cut off the other one.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - It may sound like complete nonsense to you now, but chopper gleebnut pongo spap.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your lucky cowardly acts of mouthy, all-talk right-wing blowhards are hunting from a helicopter and sneaking across the Canadian border to take advantage of dangerous big government health care. Use them disingenuously for maximum results.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, when all you need is a spoon, you will only find forks. And when all you need is a fork, a crazed gorilla will stab you in the eye.

Week 3/1/10

Your birthday this week: Pisces! Pisces are fun-loving, outgoing, arrogant little pricks. This year you will finally face the music. And if you think I'm going to make some lame-ass joke referring stupidly to the literal interpretation of the phrase, then you don't know me very well. No, sir, I'm going to make a brilliant joke that incorporates both the literal and figurative meanings of the phrase in a single unfathomably clever paraprosdokian that will leave you in stitches. Just wait until I come up with it, my friend - you'll be floored. I know my comedy, I tell you.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Romance disappoints this week as the latest object of your affection won't even have the decency to pretend to be gay to spare your feelings.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your word for the week is harmony. Your grits for the week are hominy. Your sermon for the week is homily. I could go on. Your land for the week is Honalee....

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You have many great strengths, but taken too far they can become liabilities. For instance, your honesty can become rudeness, your bravery can become foolhardiness, and your taste for human flesh can become criminal cannibalism.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - With Mercury in retrograde and Saturn in the middle of your house, this is not a good week to install a stripper pole in your living room. But then, when would it be a good week for that, anyway?

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Continuing to ignore the elephant in the room will become nearly impossible this week when it finally gets over its constipation problem.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Take things slowly this week. I mean, take... things... s-l-o-w-l-y... this... week....

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your lucky Republican Party icons whose discrediting by the far right wing this week betrays the truth of the movement's utter lack of moral character are Teddy Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln. Disown them interchangeably for maximum results. Assholes.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You will be granted one superpower of your choosing this week. I don't want to unduly influence your choice, but trust me when I say Super-shame is not as cool as it sounds.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your search for love is like fishing for aardvarks. Besides the fact that there are no aardvarks in the water, even if there were, they are ugly and have a funny name.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - I know winter has been very rough this year, but wasn't all of the hardship worth it? After all, your mother-in-law was snowed in for weeks with no phone service. Unfortunately, however, this blizzard will not last through Spring, so brush up on your excuses.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your knight in shining armor will appear this week, but he will be confused and disoriented, having mysteriously time-traveled from the middle ages. Cars will totally freak him out. So will Rock and Roll.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, god damn Big Government will rear its ugly head again when you will be required to change your name to "Flippy" for no apparent reason.

Week 2/22/10

Your birthday this week: Pisces! Pisces are fun-loving, outgoing and too sexy for this horoscope column. Last year I promised you great things for the year to come. I understand that your trust in me is now very damaged, and I intend to make it up to you. For instance, this year, I know for sure that you will continue to smell like dead cat no matter how much you wash. See? Now will you trust me again?

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week it's all about living, loving, and learning life lessons - and I don't know which is cornier, the dorky alliteration or the fact that your life is a drippy rom-com.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - I urge you to make better decisions this week. I also urge you to blow me, but that's a separate issue.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Sure, in a way, your future is wine and roses. As for the wine, it flows freely and cheaply. The roses, however, will only be adorning your coffin after you lose the battle with alcoholism.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Although you truly don't deserve the blessings that life has bestowed upon you, revel in them with passion and zeal. For next week, "deserve" will be a huge factor in your precipitous demise.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - A man is known by the company he keeps. That's why the guy standing next to you wearing the "I'm with stupid" T-shirt has only himself to blame.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Venus is in your house this week, but personally I'd prefer it if Serena were in my house. Oh yeah, fifteen-love service, baby!

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - There are very good reasons for the failure of your love life. I think carefully selected words will soften the blow here. Self-absorbed. High-maintenance. Drama-prone. OK, carefully selected hyphenated pairs of words. Reality-challenged. Horse-faced.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Youth is wasted on the young, and toothpaste is wasted on your hideous set of choppers.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your word for the week is Destiny. Which, coincidentally, is also your underage prostitute for the week.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You will hit a rough patch this week, but just like when daddy used to come into your room at night when you were little, the Mighty Mouse theme song will carry you through it.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will be horrified this week when you ask at the deli what's in the Alexander Haig sandwich, and they say, "Just exactly what it says."

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Some people wear their dysfunction on their sleeves. It takes a brave woman like you to wear it on the whole shirt.

Week 2/15/10

Your birthday this week: Aquarius/Pisces cusp! Aquarius/Pisces cuspers are fun-loving, outgoing and not really very interesting. OK, so you share your birthday time with Lincoln and Washington. Big whoop. I think there's a White Sale at Macy's. You want a bed sheet for your birthday?

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your existential despair and longing is unbearable, but all of it will vanish and you will know true peace and joy if you just go get yourself a new 75-inch HD flat screen home theater system.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - I cannot tell a lie - I chopped down your hope for the future this week. I did it with my little hatchet.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your astronomical influence for the week is lunar. Which means your psychological condition for the week is lunacy.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, love for you is a many-splendored shitstorm.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You are going to need to pare down your bucket list a bit. For one thing, there's no way you have time for both "shower with Coolio" and "deflower a young nun".

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - They said you would never amount to anything. But now you can stand up, look them right in the eye and proclaim "Well, I didn't really want to anyways!"

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your dream of winning Curling Gold at the Winter Games this week will be shattered when you realize that it's Curling.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You have interesting fantasies and a great spirit of sexual adventure. I'd totally do you if you were at all attractive.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your crusade against Woolly Mammoths is a bit passé, isn't it? I mean, they're long extinct. You won. Get over it. Plus, what could you possibly have against them anyway?

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - I need to apologize to you. My warning for you this week was supposed to be for yesterday, and I'm a day late with these. So I'm sorry. I hope at least you were able to minimize the blood loss.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You are the master of your own destiny. Which means you are doomed.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your element for the week is water, but do not despair. Beer consists mainly of water, so you're good to go.

Week 2/8/10

Your birthday this week: Aquarius! Aquarians are fun-loving, outgoing, and only two corn dogs shy of having nothing to your name except these two corn dogs. The year that you finally put it all together is going to elude you once again this year. You see, there are two things that need to happen before you will ever see that glorious triumphant year. One, you need to get over all of your past hurt, and two, pigs need to fly out of my red ass.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your bottle cap collection will be your undoing. Which is really pitiful, being undone by a bottle cap collection.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - All hell breaks loose this week when you try that one mysterious key on your key ring in the absolute worst imaginable place.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You will learn a valuable life lesson this week when your Sims character looks up and curses at you in gibberish for ignoring his potty needs.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - People will look at you funny at work this week when you turn aside and say "I can only hope the boss doesn't bring any kryptonite into the meeting."

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, you will lugubriously turn to the baseball off-season for comfort, as though you give a shit who the Marlins' fifth starter is going to be. Ohhhh, football, come back soon!

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Remember, hate only leads to the dark side... where you'll find untold riches and life-long happiness.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - They called you fatso. They called you retard. So you showed them exactly what a fat retard was capable of. Unfortunately, since it was only drooling and wheezing, it didn't really make a difference.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - I know you think your only hope of keeping him is getting plastic surgery to look just like Jessica Alba. But you'll have a far greater chance of success trying to arrange weekly threesomes with her instead. He won't be going anywhere, girlfriend.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - No, no. The preacher had speech impediment. He said to measure your spiritual success by the number of other men's lives you touch. I mean, sheesh. Did you really think his name was Pastor Weroy Wittle?

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - When your commadning officer interrupts you during a firefight, asking you to come up with a palindrome, you just look him square in the eye and say "No sir! A war is on!"

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your word for the week is understanding. Which means your grade level for the week is 5th.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Live your dream this week - show up to class naked and unprepared.

Week 2/1/10

Your birthday this week: Aquarius! Aquarians are fun-loving, outgoing, and wish they were never born. Nobody fucking cares about your birthday this week. Don't you realize there's a game on Sunday?

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week you will relive the same day over and over and over again until you figure out that you're an asshole. Unless you take my word for it, that is.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your lucky places to be shot by a sitting vice president are Heights of Weehawken, New Jersey and Kennedy County, Texas. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You, unlike most of your peers, are looking like a fool no matter where your pants are. Still, maybe you should get them up off the ground anyway.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, fuck your shadow, all right, Phil? This winter has kicked our asses, so just suck it up and come out of your hole and let spring come.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, as the over-commercialization and all the over-hyped nonsense builds up to its Sunday climax, try to take a moment to remember the reason for the season. All the fancy commercials, all the beer and party mix, and all of the trappings of the celebration can distract you and your loved ones from the deep spiritual significance of the event. Don't let that happen. This is the meaning of life itself. This is Holy. This is football.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week, stop arguing with me.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your character motivation is all over the map. Try to focus your life on essential plot elements that make it easier for us to follow and thus more entertaining.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week, you discover one half-second too late that the entire Republican party platform turns out to be a cook book.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You are harboring some bitter self-hatred. But your saving grace is that the rest of us hate you just as much, so you are in good company.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - So, yeah, it's the start of Black History Month. And speaking of Black History, seems like it's an appropriate time to finally track down your real father. You see, it turns out, that's not just a Jew-fro.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your lucky crayon colors this week are Burnt Sienna and Peyton Manning. I mean, your lucky crayon colors and/or Super Bowl winning quarterbacks. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You are the master of your own destiny this week. But next week I'm retaking control, just so you know.

Week 1/25/10

Your birthday this week: Aquarius! Aquarians are fun-loving, outgoing and pseudo-intellectual. This year is the dawning of your age, Aquarius. Your old age! Hah, you're such an oldie. So what is the "age" of Aquarius this year? Like, way, over-the-hill? Happy Birthday, Aquarius. Again! Hah! You oldie.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You enjoy being spontaneous. This is a very good thing; it means you're going to love your combustion later this week.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Perhaps I do over-floccinaucinihilipilificate, but regarding you, it's appropriate.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - They tried to break you, but you held on valiantly to your integrity. It really is too bad nobody gives a shit.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - It would be a mistake for me to overstate the health danger of it, but you still should try to pull back a bit on the amount of fried cat you consume.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - If you believe in re-incarnation, my advice to you is, time for you to have another go.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your word for the week is gratitude. Your sex for the week is gratuitous.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Be extra-sensitive this week to people who are less fortunate than you. Next week you can go back to pointing at them and laughing.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Virgos are the strong silent type. So congratulations, you match your farts.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week, someone will put the word "is" after Soylent Green, Rosebud and Edward Norton, followed immediately by the sled, Tyler Durden and people, but not in that order. Now, I recommend that you do not sit there and try to figure out the correct order if any of that does not make sense to you.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - With your hand positioned palm-up, insert your index finger as deep as it will go. Carefully search the upper wall of the cavity for a bean-shaped, somewhat hard surface. Stroke it slowly. After working with it gently for several minutes, the obstruction should come loose and your vacuum cleaner should then function properly.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - While it is a proven fact that your bitterness and negativity can cause you physical health problems, it is a source of great amusement for the rest of us, so we're all fine with it. Oh, make that angry face again.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week, pray to the Saints above that you will make it to next week. Yeah, what with the Saints going to the Super Bowl and all. Woo-hoo! Vikings suck!

Week 1/18/10

Your birthday this week: Aquarius! Aquariuses... Aquarii... damn it, another sign I can't figure out how to make plural. Anyway, fun-loving, outgoing, blah blah...

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, you have a dream, that one day you will be judged not by the color of your skin but by Simon Cowell.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You may think your new girlfriend doesn't understand you, but there may be deeper connection than you realize behind those painted-on eyes and permanently fellatio-shaped rubber lips.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - I have never been as right as with you this week, in all my years of considering people stupid fuck-ups.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - They say your beauty is unparalleled, yes, but they are referring to your uneven, bowed legs.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - It is difficult to come up with twelve horoscope-oriented jokes per week, so this week use your own sign to take a well-deserved self-referential mulligan.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - It's one thing to call yourself your city's arch enemy. But with you it just sounds pitiful because you live in St. Louis.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You come from a long line of well-hung men. Of course, for the last couple of generations, that has changed to well-lethally-injected.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - If Martin Luther King had believed them when they told him "Silence is golden", he never would have accomplished his great work in the cause of civil rights. You, on the other hand, are just a mouthy bitch. Silence is golden.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - I've never steered you wrong before. I've been your good an faithful astrologer for many successful months now, have I not? Well, the stars told me that if every Libra doesn't send me $200, they will take me home. I beg you - my work here is not finished. Send the money right away.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week you will discover psychedelic music icon Donovan's deep dark secret: the man's name was not really Goo Goo Barabajagal. It was Steve. He was, however, very wise in the herbal lore.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Put up with all kinds of shit this week, because on Saturday, you are going to need to complain about how you have put up with all kinds of shit this week.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your lucky tits this week are the left one and the right one. I promise to use them interchangeably for my maximum results.

Week 1/11/10

Your birthday this week: Capricorn! Capricorns are fun-loving, outgoing boobs. I don't know anyone with a birthday this week, so I can't back this up with the benefit of personal experience, but my astrological analysis of all you this-weekers is truly remarkable. In fact, I've never seen such a collection of negative character traits, horrific events and warnings in all of my career. Wow. I'm stunned. Good luck to you all this year.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your "shoot the messenger" mentality will get you into trouble this week, but I don't dare tell you how.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Do it like they do on the Discovery Channel this week. "It" being sex and "they" being animals, of course, just in case you thought we were advocating attempting Mythbusters' experiments at home.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - The solution to your son's neo-Nazi bully problems at school is obvious: a new Jew kids' playground game called "Inglorious Basterds". Have fun.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your lucky activities taken directly from classic rock and roll lyrics are "ticking away the moments that make up a dull day" and "sitting on a park bench eyeing little girls with bad intent". Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Find ways to explore the values and traditions of an exotic third-world culture this week. For instance, react to political disagreement with extreme violence.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Ugg boots go out of style for Gemini this week, so we're one-twelfth of the way there.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your same-sex marriage may become legal under federal law this week as the landmark "Perry v. Schwarzenegger" trial gets underway in California. Even if it does, however, it's still totally gay.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You know, there are more important things in life than beer and sex... Hah! Admit it, for a moment there you thought I was serious!

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your word for the week is sincerity. Which means your interrogation device for the week is truth serum.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - In a move sure to ignite controversy throughout the industry, this week you become the first non-car to win Motor Trend's Car of the Year.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your lucky presidential qualities for black people this week are "light-skinned" and "no Negro dialect". Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - In case you did not realize it, last week's horoscope was intended as a joke, if a poor one. Please disregard its message as pertaining to your future dealings with this column. Thank you.

Week 1/04/10

Your birthday this week: Capricorn! Capricorns are fun-loving, outgoing Shmendricks. This past year was truly your year to shine, wasn't it? You powered through success after success on your way to the top of the heap, and now you can truly say you have made it. Either that, or you have drudged through another dreadful year and accomplished nothing but getting one year older. Now, although I am a top-notch psychic, I'm sure I don't really need to be to safely assume the latter in your case.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - If you are illiterate, you have exactly three days to learn how to read--your life depends on it. Yeah, hopefully you have someone else reading this to you.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Look at you, reading this and The Onion horoscopes each week. Can you be more "I only read satirical horoscopes because I'm such a god damn cynic"? Boy, you better rethink that before it's too late.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your favorite stuffed animals could be a source of great wisdom this week. The only problem is you aren't schizophrenic, so you won't hear the voices.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your word for the week is tranquility. Which means your medication for the week is tranquilizers.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your value as a person can be compared to the Pittsburgh Pirates baseball club. You suck.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Hey, you took my cup. Yes, you did. That one was mine. I left it there to go to the bathroom. Give it back. Ewwww, forget it. You can have it. What is that in there?

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Think of your dull low-level accounting position as a delicious bowl of fresh pineapples. Now consider this: like a vegetarian at a bountiful luau, you are pretty much stuck with the pineapples.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The only things you are missing from the recipe for your happiness is fresh ground pepper, minced garlic, and any hope for the future.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - There is a laughing, bouncing baby boy in your future who will fill your life with precious moments. But don't blame me, you were told to always bring your own condoms.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Remember, the right thing to do is usually not the easy thing to do. For instance, in the case of helping your alcoholic brother out of his deep-seated despair, it will take a much larger bat than you are used to using.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Being a Scorpio, opportunity is often foisted on you. But being a moron, irony is often lost on you.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - OK, you do realize that these horoscopes are jokes, right? I sure hope you don't take next week's column seriously. Hoooo boy!

Week 12/28/09

Your birthday this week: Capricorn! Capricorns are fun-loving, outgoing and woefully immature. It's a gift to have a birthday at the same time as the new year. It makes it easy to realize that, just like the last one, this coming new year brings more opportunities to wake up in the morning to the dreadful emptiness of your life. 365 more, to be exact.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Go ahead and make a little birdhouse in your soul this week if you wish, but remember this: it won't be me cleaning the bird shit under it.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - I'll be blunt: your murder this week will be by a blow to the head from a baseball bat.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your lucky foods from exotic places whose names everyone has heard but no one really knows what they are are sarnies and vegemite. Use them interchangeably for maximum results, but please realize that they don't go together.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Slow and steady wins the race this week, with bullshit platitudes coming in a close second.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Denying your American citizenship will save your life abroad this week, but you should know that it means you are a stinking traitor who doesn't deserve to call himself an American.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, brush up on your syllepses and against a hot stranger.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Get your Kwanzaa shopping done early this week. The seven principles of silly holidays aren't going to celebrate themselves, you know.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your lucky caveman epiphanies this week are "Fire Hot! Fire Burn!" and "Og not comfortable in gender. Og transsexual!" Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Perhaps James Cagney never actually said it in a film, but rest assured, you are a dirty rat.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Celebrate the new year with the things that got you through this last one: time with close friends, a quiet inner strength and the soft warmth of your beloved dog's moist vagina.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You may be asking yourself what the point of it all is. The problem with this is not the existential sentiment behind the question, but the meager philosophical qualifications of the one to whom you are asking it.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This week, convince the city government to subsidize your business location with taxpayers' money, with no promise of real benefit to the community, only huge profit for yourself. You know, just like an NFL team owner.

Week 12/21/09

Your birthday this week: Capricorn! Capricorns are fun-loving, outgoing and always Christmasy. This year, you will finally be able to answer everyone asking you all of your life what it's like sharing a birthday with the messiah. In honor of the event, they will be crucifying you on Good Friday next spring also.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You won't stand for the stupidity of your peers this week. Once again a delicate balance between righteous indignation and sociopathic rage is called for. Scoffs, yes. Knives, no.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - There is no better drug than Aunt Nana's chocolate fudge this holiday week. It's the imported cocoa she uses. And the E.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week you get the annual throwback horoscope. Let's visit your entry from December 20, 1872: "This is the week to try to replace last month's lost baby. The stars are aligned to challenge the birth mortality rate."

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - This week you will discover to your great delight that grandma and grandpa are still sexually active. The next step is to convince them to tell each other.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - No matter how you try, you will not convince the government to grant you asylum as a Christmas shopping refugee.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - It's usually not a confounding mix-up even if it is rather amusing. But you mixed up the terms "menstruating" and "lactating" when describing your fetish, and now your girlfriend has a big surprise waiting for you.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - When your wife asked for a swing for Christmas, she was referring to a porch seat. Tell the nice couple to go home.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Do not be offended that the girls asked you to play Santa at the all-girls' Christmas party this week. It isn't because you're fat, it's because you're jolly. And you look very masculine.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week, a large angry man will threaten to make glue out of you. Interestingly, note that he is both threatening to kill you and calling you an ugly horse-face.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You were born to a life of hatred and peaches. This week the peaches run out.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Ted Nugent has the solution to all of your existential doubt. Look it up if you need to. You'll know exactly what to do.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This is not a good week to not be not sober. Now, if you can't figure all that out, I'm afraid it's too late anyway.

Week 12/14/09

Your birthday this week: Snuffleupagus! Snuffleupagi are fun-loving, outgoing monstrosities. This year will be your last. Wrap up all of your affairs, and say good-bye to loved ones. This is not one of those feel-good horoscope columns. We tell it like it is. Other horoscope columns, when the stars foretell of your death, would beat around the bush, saying shit like "this year is a year of transition" or some lame-ass nonsense, but not us. We'll give it to you straight. Anyways, hope you had a nice life. Of course, when every single person in the world whose birthday is this week dies this year, no other column will even notice. But we will. Oh, yes. We will.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Have hot, wild sex with cats this week. Of course it's illegal, so if you are caught, don't tell them we told you to do it.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - There are three major dating mistakes that you continue to make: one, you are setting your sights too high - you are uglier than you realize. Two, you keep going out with girls, and you're a gay man. Three, you forget the one cardinal rule of dating: you Catholic priests are not suppose to.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, the good news is, you will find yourself locked into a death-spiral from which you be unable to extricate yourself. The bad news is, that isn't as fun as it sounds.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - It's just like with your doctor, you don't kick and scream at him to get his filthy hands off of you. And like your doctor, the aliens that will be abducting you this week are smarter than you, and they know what they're doing. So grit your teeth and take the anal probes like a man.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your lucky archetypes of male virility this week are Tarzan, King of the Apes, and Woody Allen, King of the Asian Schoolgirls. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You know what they say. Another day of forgetting to return the Redbox DVD you got last week, another dollar.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - When shopping for holiday gifts this week, remember the real reason for the season: total extinction.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, how can a horoscope column writer possibly know what millions of Cancers are thinking right when they happen to be reading the horoscope? Well, you are, aren't you?

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - While it's true that I am predicting unspeakable doom for you this week, the upside is that I'm probably the most handsome person ever to do so. So there's that.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You should count your blessings. In some countries, like Afghanistan for instance, they don't allow known terrorists to operate unmolested the way they do you here.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your lucky words that appear to derive from the word "trophy" inappropriately are claustrophobia and catastrophe. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - No, I said all matter is illusory. I did not say all litter is imaginary. Pick up that illusion you just tossed and put it in the trash. Slob.

Week 12/07/09

Your birthday this week: Sagertilius! Sigurrosisus are fun-loving, outgoing party-crashers. Your birthday party this week will be one for the ages. However, you should be aware that Tareq and Michaele Salahi may be showing up unannounced, so make sure you have enough cocktail weiners.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - I don't mean to alarm you, but this week your favorite administration will be escalating a war they promised to end, and no one will seem to know or care why or even ask what the terms of victory are. And to complete the "change you can believe in" picture, there will be no definitive exit strategy. Just a little heads-up.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Incredible sex is in your future. I mean, toe-curling, life-changing, head-spinning sex. Oh wait. Hang on. No, I got that wrong. That's your stupid unmarried brother. No, you're just going to go on like normal, getting the occasional disinterested blow-job from the old ball and chain. Sorry.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, learn to laugh at yourself, by pretending you are Canadian.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You will soon overcome all of the limitations you have faced from childhood, followed almost immediately by the realization that those limitations, such as the inability to squeeze through cage bars, were there to protect people, like perhaps yourself, who don't enjoy ass rape by the zoo gorillas.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - One word sums up the wild turn your sex life will take this week (though "wild turn" may be something of an understatment): "Aristocrats".

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, you will face the question we all eventually face, and you will be on your knees waiting for the answer: are you human, or are you dancer?

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You've got a lot of nerve, bragging about your myriad peripheral axons.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your problem is you have been looking for a life partner that shares your values, your interests and your intellect. But finding a retarded Satanist interested in soap manufacture is a tall order.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - It's high time you revisited the old, classic comedic subjects from your youth, and reflect on the many good reasons it used to be so funny to you to replace every noun in a sentence with "poop".

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week you will step out, but first you will have to face the old question: hands in the air, or guns blazing? The answer will depend on your choice between anal sex with Big Nate, or suicide by cop.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - It's bad enough that you were left at the altar. What makes it really tough to bear is that the reason they left you there was because it was supposed to be a virgin sacrifice, and they found out the truth. You slut.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your lucky Christmas traditions of pagan origin this week are every single god damn one of them except for that pitiful nativity scene. Don't get me started. Happy holidays.

Week 11/30/09

Your birthday this week: Sargitanius! Sagertariuses are fun-loving, outgoing wusses. This is a crap time of year to have a birthday. Everyone is already out Christmas shopping, so you never get a birthday present. Am I right? That and you always lose socks in the dryer. And airplane food - can it be more disgusting? And what is the deal with those things at the ends of shoelaces? Am I right? Is this thing on?

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Stand up for your faith this week, unless you belong to the Church of Sitting Down.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your lucky kindergartener terms for "rather unpleasant" this week are "icky" and "gross". Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You do not appreciate the full extent of the influence on your life, and all that goes to make you who you are, of the Alouettes' stunning Grey Cup victory last night.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - How can you call yourself a Cataphract? You couldn't wield a kontos if Gallienus himself handed it to you personally along with your Lorica squamata.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Recall the iconic image of the caveman with the club dragging an unconscious female by the hair. If you can see the humor behind the horrific image, you can laugh about how "club" can serve as a decent metaphor for "Rohypnol" for you this week.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, on the road of life, you will discover that the weasel does not, in fact, go "pop". It goes "squish".

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Don't listen to all of the naysayers. When your psychiatrist tells you you're a horrible person, or when your mother tells you you are worthless, or when your girlfriend tells you to stop having sex with the kitchen appliances. OK, maybe listen to some of them.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your lucky high-skill tasks requiring extensive training this week are knife-juggling and surgical suture. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Being the sensitive type, you are moved by the plight of your neighbor. Oh, and I can refer you to a terrific moving company if you need it.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - The reason you can't get anyone in your office to buy into your cricket pool is because, dumb-ass, it's cricket.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week, stop trying to find your redemption in that insidious bottle of pills. Be a man, god damn it, and own your erectile dysfunction.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Make love with your boyfriend's father this week. This is a directive straight from the stars - the fact that my own son's incredibly hot girlfriend is a Scorpio is purely coincidental.

Week 11/23/09

Your birthday this week: Saggit-... Sagget-... Sigatar-... oh, fuck it. The archer dude. Archer-dudes are fun-loving, outgoing bores. Despite the fact that no-one can spell your damn star sign, thongs are looking up for you. You may think that was a typo, but no, it wasn't. And furthermore, I think you know exactly what I mean....

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This is a good week for you to dabble a bit in the neurosurgery arts. Although it isn't rocket science, you should still get your hands on a manual or something before you saw into any skulls. Good luck.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your lucky ways to get pizza this week are delivery and delivery driver carjacking. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your problem with dating isn't so much that it is too obvious that you are looking for a man to spend the rest of your life with, it's that you keep asking every one of your dates if they have seen him anywhere.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You will accidentally meet Lady Gaga this week. While it will be understandably very exciting for you, do not assume that she is happy to see you, too - that actually is a gun in her pocket.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your incessant obscure high-brow references are like a Peter Greenaway film about John Kennedy Toole that never mentions the garden hose.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You are well-balanced and don't let anyone tell you differently. For instance, what you lack in attractiveness, you make up for in laughable stupidity, and what you lack in personality, you make up for in sympathetic homelessness.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - In these trying times, your steadfast faith is a very admirable quality. It looks like the uncaring universe is going to have to try even harder to break you, so be ready for a turn for the worse.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your lucky exploitative economic systems this week are socialism and capitalism. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You have a secret admirer at your workplace. Don't tell him I told you, but it's the guy who keeps grabbing your tits.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Don't ask why, but self-preservation takes a back seat this week to the bitter tang of poisonous toadstools in your gut.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your lucky keyboard layouts this week are Qwerty and Dvorak. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Silence! Enough of this... impudence!

Week 11/16/09

Your birthday this week: Scorpio! Scorpios are fun-loving, outgoing and desperate for approval. This year, we will work hard on your awful insecurity. It will be a long, difficult struggle, and we'll have to break through some really bad childhood issues, but it will be worth it. One day I will get through to you and convince you that you are pretty enough and people really like you, even if I have to stop sleeping with your hot friends and calling you an ugly hag. I mean, hopefully, it won't come to that, right? All right, let's do this.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You may need to change your plans this week. You're a live wire; Saturn is in your house and Venus is rising, so nuclear power plant sabotage may take more care than you can muster.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This week you will contract a degenerative disease, which is unfortunate because you're not really feeling all that degenerate.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - The dark phase of the moon this week is not a compelling reason for you to avoid plunging into new projects. In fact, astrological sign bullshit is not a compelling reason to do or not do anything.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Listen carefully to what your heart is trying to tell you. Ignore the voices coming from that Philly Cheesesteak.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Someone named Hortenblast "Oil-face" Flartiboygan is out to get you this week. Now mind you, not everyone named Hortenblast "Oil-face" Flartiboygan will be out to get you, so use some discretion when meeting new people.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your uncanny resemblance to a gargoyle will finally pay off this week when you find yourself in one of those "sneak out onto the hotel ledge without getting caught" bachelor party drinking contests.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Her pretty factor is only three-beer, so that's not too bad. But she's a Hootie and the Blowfish fan, and no amount of alcohol excuses that shit. You should be embarrassed.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your spiritual patience with the people stabbing you repeatedly in the asshole is an extraordinary example of abject humility and self-denial. You're still, however, not as pitiful as Emo pioneer Morrissey.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - A catastrophe of unimaginable proportions will befall everyone you despise this week, so, uh, gee, aren't you a lovely, interesting and all-around tremendous person.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - When I warned you not to open your front door last week because of the grave danger to your life, I sort of assumed you were already inside. Sorry. Are you OK?

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This is not a good week to stand on train tracks hoping to meet either an oncoming train or someone who cares enough to save you. The fact that nobody cares is a given, but the railroad workers are going on strike this week, so it's lose-lose.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - It is time for you to stop pursuing that singing career. It's just not in the stars for you. And if a single horoscope column won't convince you, there is the fully notarized petition.

Week 11/09/09

Your birthday this week: Scorpio! Scorpios are fun-loving, outgoing walking disasters. This year you will feel seventeen again. In fact, the year will be just like the one you turned seventeen. Except without the drug-induced coma, the clown sex fetish and the subsequent religious epiphany and conversion. Other than that, you can expect the death of your pet canary, two similar very promising opportunities to lose your virginity, and another arson conviction for your schizophrenic mother. Enjoy.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - "Cauldron boil and cauldron bubble". I hope that means something to you. That's what the stars told me when I asked them for a phrase that helps define you.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You are dealing with a debilitating imbalance. Call a good friend, one who is as fat as you of course, and ask them to sit down on the opposite side of the teeter-totter.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Pluto is in your house this week, so you know what that means? Well, from now on it's going to have to mean nothing, unless I want to keep track of hundreds, maybe thousands of other things of its size or even larger entering your house. Which I don't, so, no, it means nothing.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are not impressing chicks with your "I let the dogs out" T-shirt. You're impressing them with your rugged good looks and large bank account.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - I really enjoyed last night. I mean it. Tell your husband he's a lucky man, unless he's as large and jealous as he is lucky. And call me.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Darkness will penetrate your soul this week when you encounter an old-school chalkboard. Keep the darkness at bay if you can - or just to be safe, trim your fingernails to the nub to eliminate the temptation.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Old photographs can help restore long-lost memories of better days gone by. Or, perhaps more advisable, a new whiskey bottle can help remove the gut-wrenching memories of the horrible days now occurring.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You were homecoming queen. You had them wrapped around your little finger. You were the belle of the ball. Notice the verb tense prevailing here. You were everyone's sweetheart. You had the world at your fingertips. Yeah, verb tense, indicating time of action. You were going places. You had it all.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - If I were you this week, I'd go out and commit crimes in broad daylight. Assuming I would go back to being me next week, of course.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - There is an ongoing debate in your mind about whether or not you should stop drinking altogether. But the moderator is asking soft-ball questions and the candidates keep on spewing party-line soundbites, so don't put that bottle down just yet.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your lucky gender identifications this week are male and female. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You can't really "toot your own horn", as they say, unless that's not a euphemism for self-fellatio, in which case, sure you can, you are definitely way above average.

Week 11/02/09

Your birthday this week: Scorpio! Scorpios are fun-loving, outgoing and had better put out soon or I'm out of here. This is it. This is the year you need to pull yourself together and finally get over your big emotional block that has been keeping you bound and depressed for over three years. I know that intellectually you understand why, but it's time to get past it emotionally, because the kids are hungry and the kitchen is a mess. It has been over three years, now. It's time for you to get up, look yourself straight in the mirror and boldly proclaim, "Face it, mister. Pluto is not a planet. It just isn't."

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your obsession over finding the last missing jigsaw puzzle piece of your life is unhealthy - you can tell what the damn picture is without that piece, what on earth is the big fuss?

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Though you are hard-pressed to find specific explication of it in the constitution, the unfortunate fact is that "freedom of choice" does not apply to your preferred use of those shears.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - There are three ways to tell for sure if your wife is lying to you: one, does she break out in a sweat; two, does she avoid eye contact; and three, are you a controlling asshole she would be far better off without, but she simply can't afford to leave you... yet?

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - The stars tell me you have designs on my wife, but don't have the courage to approach her. I didn't realize you were a masochistic moron, but be that as it may - call me, I'll give you tips that can't fail.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - While it's true that not all who wander are lost, the largely ignored corollary to this is the fact that some who wander are in fact lost. And you'll stay that way until you suck it up and ask for some god damn directions.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Don't put all your eggs in one basket this week. Unless you only have one egg, that is. I'm not advocating breaking your only egg just for the sake of diversifying. Unless you really want an omelette or something. Then you'll need to break it. But in that case you can just forget the basket and put it right in the frying pan. Use a pat of butter and a little salt and pepper right in the pan. Oh, and just a spot of milk will make your omelette nice and fluffy.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - No, sir. Georgia On My Mind is a great Ray Charles ballad, but it is not a good vehicular manslaughter defense. You need to plead guilty.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your lucky silly things this week are fake googly eyeballs and a propeller hat. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week, U.S. Vice President Joe Biden will shoot you in the face.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - In a bold symbolic hubristic moment, Oliver Twist asked for more. You, on the other hand, better just be happy with the little that the universe has seen fit to throw in your direction and let it go at that.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your life is perfect. Once again, all I really have to say to you is, nice hat.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Don't forget to join the mafia this week.

Week 10/26/09

Your birthday this week: Scorpio! Scorpios, unlike every other sign, are fun-despising, introverted spacegeeks. And you know it, too. Don't try to deny it you bleak-ass Scorpio downer. You freak-mongers walk into a party and everyone just sighs with dread, do you know that? Of course, your UnAstrologer is a Gemini and we don't get along with Scorpio at all. So it's your birthday this week, well, happy fucking birthday, you hate-spewing, emo-soaked, black-wearing, Satan-worshiping turd.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week you will use the construction "<so-and-so> and I" as a predicate object for the last time. Do you hear me? For the last fucking time!

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Seriously. You know how they say always get a new plate when going back for seconds at the buffet? Yeah, it's kind of like that. You simply can't reuse the condom.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your Mad-Libs approach to life will have your (n) peanut giving (adj) ugly (pl. n) mops to a (type of person) Scandinavian.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - When they called you Johnny Clueless, you only played into their hands when you countered that they were wrong because your first name isn't even Johnny.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your dream of patterning your life after John and Kate Gosselin will go awry when you realize your big mistake: you and your spouse are reasonable people who value privacy and care about your children's welfare.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Jupiter is in your house this week, and you know what that means: that's right - another busted recliner.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Wreak something this week. I don't know exactly what.... Let's see.... What could you possibly wreak? Hmmm.... Well, how about havoc?

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - The fact that your biggest pet peave is people who still think it's funny to joke phallically about light sabers says more about your debilitating feelings of sexual inadequacy than it does about your love for Star Wars.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your lucky masturbation fantasy objects this week are Hugh Jackman and me. Use us interchangeably for maximum results. OK, well, actually, if you want maximum results, you better just stick with Hugh.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - While it's normally a very bad thing, this week there is something very positive for you about nuclear holocaust, so don't even worry.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Seriously, for the sake of everyone who cares about you, get the boob job.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - It's time for you to put up or shut up. Oh, wait. No it isn't. It's only 8:35 in the morning. It's time to roll over and go back to sleep.

Week 10/19/09

Your birthday this week: Libra (up to Thursday - yeah, fuck all you early Scorpios anyway)! Libras are fun-loving, outgoing and overly religious. If Oscar-nominated actor Jude Law were to knock on your door today asking for a place to spend the night, would you be prepared? That's how you need to live your life this year. Like Jude Law is coming over at any moment. No, no - put your pants back on. I didn't mean it that way, I meant like, it's a joke, like, you know, he's important like Jesus - oh, god, do that stuff in private. OK, nevermind.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Are you really prepared to give up the 70s Blaxploitation films? If you're not truly ready, quitting could be very dangerous. Mutha fucka.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week, your life becomes the stuff of a Hollywood film script. Unfortunately, it has been described as Natural Born Killers meets Babe, the Talking Pig.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - The fact that it still fits you is irrelevant. You simply can't re-use the condom.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You thought Fish-slap Freddy's methods were excessive, just wait until they tell Potato-to-the-balls Pete what you did.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Robots will take over your planet this week. Don't be concerned that it makes no sense whatsoever that only Aquarius has this problem, just worry about the damn robots!

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your lucky morsels of religious nonsense this week are that the principle of intelligent design implying a creator arbitrarily stops at creation hierarchy level one, and that eternal indescribable suffering is a reasonable consequence of rejecting scientifically discredited ontologies. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You have a unique perspective on life. For instance, while everyone else is marvelling at how lovely and majestic the tree is, all you can do is imagine them all naked.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Putting aside for the moment your recent serial killing spree, you ought to take some time this week and appreciate all the good things God has blessed you with.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Love is in the air, which is the main reason for the weather service's current "unhealthy" rating in your area.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your daughter is smoking hot, certainly. But rest assured that I fully intend to wait until she turns 18 before I make any serious sexual advances towards her.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - I think Benjamin Franklin said it best when he said, "Hey, <insert name here>, you're a fucking asshole!"

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - The backwoods folk in the town you will find yourself stuck in this week may seem like freaks, but they will at least be kind enough to drool slowly, so you can roll out of the way.

Week 10/12/09

Your birthday this week: Libra! Libras are fun-loving, outgoing psychobitches. If your birthday is this week, you are a psychotic, sex-withholding, ball-crushing witch that would as soon rip me to shreds to your man-hating manipulating girlfriends as look at me. If you ever loved me, you certainly had a cruel, manipulative, unrelentingly hateful way of showing it. On the plus side, you are still as beautiful as the day I married you.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Do something extraordinary and a little bit scary this week that could get you into trouble. Harbor a known terrorist in your basement, for instance.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Things are looking up for you this week. In fact, if you look closely, you might even be able to look up and see the murky surface of the cesspool you are drowning in.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Deceptively comforting similes will be with you this week, like the soft purr of a sleeping mountain lion.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your lucky burial options this week are traditional casket and cremation. Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your soul is empty and your spirit is withered. On the plus side, your dick is hard.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - New and exciting challenges await you this week as you venture into the grocery store and purchase a box of new Cinnamon Blast Honeycomb.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You will experience great relief and great horror at the same time this week, when definitive proof that you aren't the town werewolf after all will stare you square in the eyes.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Shadows of things to come will dance before your eyes. But they will not be able to stay in rhythm, they will stumble over each other's feet, and ultimately they will be eliminated from the competition.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Go ahead and rage against the machine this week if you really must, but just make sure you clean it up. Last time you left the machine all messy and we had to pay the janitor for overtime.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Wow. Who would have thought just two months ago that you'd still be the wretched piece of shit you still are this week?

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Close your eyes. Visualize the prince who will arrive at your door some day and take you to the ball. Now open them. Hah! Still in your cubicle! Now get back to work, you ugly cow.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Poop. God, that never gets old.

Week 10/05/09

Your birthday this week: Libra! Libras are fun-loving, outgoing and short. You are so incredibly short. I mean, you're not a midget, you're just really super short. Is there even breathable air down there? Do you, like, shop in the kids section or something? My god, you're tiny. I could literally hold a conversation over your head. Have you always been that short? Do you like that Randy Newman song, is that like your theme song or something? Man, I can't get over how incredibly short you are.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - A shimmering silver cloud of eternal spiritual wisdom will descend upon your community this week, and peace, love and understanding will prevail. Right before the aliens leap from the cloud's core and destroy you all in your complacency.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - It's you or them this week - die if you have to, but kill if you can. Also, old flames spell new beginnings, so look your best.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - The out-of-body experiences you've been enjoying are all fine and good and spiritually moving and all, sure. But damn, when are you going to realize the tremendous potential they are providing you for secretly watching hot naked girls in the shower?

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Orange and green are your spirit colors this week. Black and blue are your bruise colors.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Like a fine wine, you get better with age, and you have an oakey base with top notes of wild cherry, chocolate and coriander.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Lest you forget about all the shit you've been responsible for over the years, you will be whisked away this night by the ghost of bowel movements past.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - I don't mean to bum you out, but, you really need stay away from manatees this week. It's all over your star chart. I mean it. No manatees!

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Go to your psychic this week and complain that she didn't bake you a cake. When she starts to say she didn't know you were coming, then stops herself short, looking embarrassed, you can point at her and say "Hah! Caught you!"

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week you will transcend your duality and become one with the universe. But after all that hard work you will ultimately be disappointed when you find out that as a pure spirit-being you can't eat pizza anymore.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Sit in your corner this week and stare at the wall, rocking back and forth. When they come to try to move you, bite them.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Hang in there, girl. He will agree to go out with you, and you don't even need to lose any weight. All you need to do is credibly threaten his family.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - In general, your vow to stay single for the rest of your life after the failed relationship with Hank is just an emotional overreaction. But in your case, even if it is, Hank is making damn sure you have no trouble not finding another date in this town, so you just may be on to something there.

Week 9/28/09

Your birthday this week: Libra! Libras are fun-loving, outgoing and lost. So, another year is marked off this week. Think of this: your High School years were four. Since then there have been over thirty. Why is it then that each one of those thirty-some ensuing years has been largely dominated by a debilitating nostalgia for the other four? Especially since you hated high school with all your guts.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - What you have today is only a semblence of a life. You can make some important initial steps toward gaining a full-fledged actual life if you go ahead and accept one or two of the "friend" invitations you've had pending on Facebook for all these years.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your lucky boolean values this week are "true" and "false". Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your friendships are toxic, your diet is shit, your family dynamic makes "fairly disfunctional" seem like an impossible dream, and you're pretty sure that's not just a mole. But hey, the Jets are undefeated, so it's all good.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week, like all others prior, you will also not become a world-famous inventor of nonsense words. This does not mean that last week's "clooberjink" was not adorable and endearing, so don't be discouraged.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your lucky light switch positions this week are "on" and "off". Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - I see you rowing a boat to nowhere. I see you out on calm water, just rowing, rowing, rowing, aimlessly and tirelessly. Does this ring true to the depths of your soul? No? What if I told you about the waterfall just around the next bend?

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - I hate to burst your bubble, but your complaint that I'm always bursting your bubble does not bother me at all. That and your family business into which you have poured your heart and soul is about to fail miserably.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your lucky ways to skin a cat this week are front-to-back beginning just under the neck and... uh... huh, I can't think of any other way. But if you can, include it with "front-to-back beginning just under the neck" and use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This is not a good week to finish anything you

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week, a tiger will chase you until you slip down a cliff. You will save yourself by grabbing a protruding vine. Soon, however, two mice will begin to gnaw away at the vine. A second tiger will appear below you, awaiting your fall. But the worst part of it is, there won't be a strawberry in sight, big and delicious or no, because strawberries don't god damn grow on cliffs! Tell that to Zen Master Chu.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week, go to the bar, get wasted and and show your tits. Again. But this time, can you just please wait till I get there? Thanks.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Someone else's old friend will track you down this week, thinking you are their old friend. One of those unique was-it-chance-or-fate type relationships will ensue, characterized mainly by obsession, jealousy and vitriol. It will end in tragedy, anguish and even a bit of bloodshed. So either go with that or stay at home watching movies on the Lifetime network all week.

Week 9/21/09

Your birthday this week: Libra! Libras are fun-loving, outgoing turdmunches. This year, everyone around you is a total asshole. You're the only one around here with any semblence of god damn sense, and frankly, it's getting annoying. Why do people have to be such drama queens in this shithole town? So, you get drunk and mow down a few pedestrians with your four-by, suddenly everyone's a judgemental hater. You swear to God.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - The emotional rollercoaster ride you've been on lately is about to come to an end. No, they won't let you go again, you'll have to exit to your left and come back around to the end of the line and wait your next turn, like everyone else.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Fond memories of your carefree days of wine and song will enfold you this week. Try to recreate them the best that you can, though you'll have to make do with a warm Pabst Blue Ribbon and Homeless Joe's harmonica wailing.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your lucky single-digit binary values this week are "0" and "1". Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - The woman accross the street will catch you spying on her. Instead of shrieking and covering up, however, she will tease you playfully, purposefully undressing with the curtains open. Then the big twist, where she reveals her penis, will finally convince you that those Penthouse Real Life stories are faked. You will then put those high-powered binoculars away for good.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Chocolate is your friend this week, so indulge. Lord knows you have no other friends. Wipe your mouth.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, all of your wildest dreams - oh, hang on. Kanye West says Gemini's horoscope is way better.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - This week you will be upset to find out that it's your star sign that gets the weekly reference to poop. But take heart - poop is always hilarious.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week you will suddenly realize that in the Snow White and WWII derived parody, Mussolini was biting Hitler's wienie, and not his own, which will make you wonder if "bit" was a forties-era euphemism for a blow job that schoolyard kids would have eschewed at the time. Despite the new awareness of your callow misunderstanding, however, you will still find nostalgic joy in the fact that the song made you laugh when you were six.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Those two hard kicks in the nuts by the demon-possessed nun on Sunday was just the beginning of a whole week filled with equally delicious delights.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You will struggle this week to prove to the TSA that you are not a terrorist after they catch you in the ariport bathroom stall strapping sticks of salami to your torso. You were warned that your unique fetish would put you in socially awkward situations.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You will be ostracized at work for egregious meme-necromancy when you proclaim "Don't tase me, bro!" after bumping into a coworker.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week you will take a light-hearted satirical article that wickedly skewers one of your most beloved and cherished things way too seriously. Then you will cry into your Molson and call the mounties. But you will be fine because you get free healthcare.

Week 9/14/09

Your birthday this week: Virgo! Virgos are fun-loving, outgoing, and for the life of them unable to remember that one word that starts with W and means something like "overly fond of sex" or something like that. You looked it up in seven different online dictionaries and nothing. Damn, maybe it wasn't W. Maybe it starts with a, like, V. Shit. What was that word? It sounds like a science fiction movie title? You know what I mean? Oh, this is the year you win the lottery finally. What the hell is that word?

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Luck is on your side this week. I mean, painful boils. Painful boils are on your side this week. Sleep on your back and get to the doctor soon.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Sex becomes a chore for you this week, so be sure to ask for your allowance when you finish.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your lucky excuses for drunk driving this week are "I thought it was legal in Rhode Island" and "Damn, you mean I'm not in Rhode Island?" Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - If she could, Serena Williams would shove a tennis ball down your fucking throat this week. You should feel lucky she doesn't. But don't feel threatened - she never used the word "kill".

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Piety and fidelity rule your house this week. So when Giselle from next door comes over in her nightgown... sorry, dude. Right, like you're going to listen to my ass when that happens.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - All eyes will be on you at the office this week when the boss goes batshit nuts and scoops all your coworkers' eyes out of their heads with a spoon, puts them all in a bucket and dumps it on your head. As a goof.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Office romance blooms this week, but try not to get too depressed watching it happen to everyone else from your little corner cublicle, you lonely little asshat.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your lucky Spanish words for "to be" this week are "ser" and "estar". Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Put one foot in front of the other this week, that's all you can really do. No, put the other one in front. You know what? Strike that, switch them. Yeah, put the first one in front. OK, yeah. Now stay there, just like that. All week.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You drink too much, you have no financial plan, and you can't keep a good woman to save your life. Oh, wait. That's me. Nevermind. From where I sit, your life looks pretty together. I need a drink.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your brain will explode this week, but if you add a link to that stupid "asplode" template to this horoscope, I swear I'll go Serena Williams on your ass and find me a tennis ball.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - An old friend will track you down this week and rip out your fucking entrails.

Week 9/06/09

Your birthday this week: Virgo! Virgos are fun-loving, outgoing, but seriously crap at telling the date. Look at the calender again. It's not your birthday, take off that stupid hat and cancel the stripper.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week you will be mugged by a vulcan at a science-fiction convention. Set your phaser to kill, take him down with one shot.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week is not a good week to hack in to the pentagon computer database. If you don't believe me, look at the agent with a silenced 9mm behind you.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week is a very good week to ask your boss for a pay rise. He won't give you one, because he will think you're trying to ask him out, so he'll... give you one. Think about it.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This is your week for techno music. No, I don't know what that means either. Give me a break! I see messages in the stars, They won't always make sense!
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week, play tennis at every available opportunity. Yes, even during your sister's wedding, only good can come of it.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, live la vida loca... in Arkham Asylum.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, you will realize that the funky birthmark you have impressed all your previous lovers with, is in fact cancerous. You have two months to live. Maybe you should have spent less time having sex and more time watching House.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - This week, vague, general, trashy stuff will happen and any advice I give you will be worth fuck all.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, you will meet the enchanting Mr. Bingley at Netherfield. Look out! He's a rapist!
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, vampires will start being surprisingly friendly. Wear a neck guard.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week, use daddy's razor blade to let all the magic pixies living in your wrists out, back in to the spirit world. Free the pixies dammit!
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week, don't listen to Gandalf. He's a lying fuck. Just because he has a big beard and pointy hat, doesn't mean he is nice.

Week 8/27/09

Your birthday this week: Virgo! Virgos are fun-loving, outgoing and stupid to the point of being Paris Hilton. How the hell did you survive a whole other year, thicky? Jump in the nearest bear-trap to save yourself from a less pleasant death at the hands of an enraged bank-teller later this year. Do it now!

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week is not a good week to try 'do-it-yourself' brain surgery, so put down the bread knife and industrial pliers and take some paracetemol for the headache instead.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week you should avoid the letter 'H'. It's out to get you... with a vengeance.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week is a good week to start work on that nuclear bomb shelter you've been putting off installing in your basement. It may come in handy, but I'm not saying why.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This week you will finally understand why Chris Angel knew what your card was, you will rejoice beyond belief, then realize just how horrible your existence is and find the need to stab the nearest wall socket with a pen-knife.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week you will be kissed by John Barrowman. Stop screaming! You know you want it... I know I do, but unfortunately I'm a Gemini, look what I've got to put up with this week!
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week is not a good week for going to confessional, the woman you had an affair with is actually the Priest's son. It can only be awkward.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week you will find the need to keep your friends close and your enemies closer... Deliverance style. And no I don't mean a banjo duel.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - This week, a financial transaction will benefit you emotionally, but the prostitute will also give you an STD. Win some lose some, I guess.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week you will learn that your spitefully sending Richard Dawkins Christmas-cards every year, isn't having the desired effect, he is in fact quite pleased to receive them, even if it is August. If you're going to make a stand for your religion, do it properly. Remember, 72 Virgins... or was that 72 sparkling beads... best check with God before you don the old cemtex vest.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week is going to be fantastic. Apart from the flesh-eating bacteria. And the Komodo Dragons. And the cannibal, ninja warriors. And the trans-Atlantic flight. And the killer electric vortex entity. And the exploding nipples. Actually come to think of it, this week is going to be crap. Sorry for getting your hopes up.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week should be spent in deep, thoughtful study of life and the meaning of existence. You won't work out any of these big mysteries, but it will give you a good chat up line for the opposite sex in future.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week, look very closely at the tea-leaves. They won't tell your fortune, but there's a good chance someone will have substituted them with cannabis, so be on the look out.

Week 8/3/09

Your birthday this week: Leo! Leos are fun-loving, outgoing and incorrigibly evil. Remember this year that the only good thing that is happening is that you are advancing another year toward the one in which you will die. Nothing else that happens will matter. Not even the Christmas blow job your wife will be giving you while thinking about John Mayer. Trust me, it won't be that much longer, though you do still have time to spend the entire estate to keep it out of those rotten kid's greedy claws. Have a nice birthday, old-ass fucker.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - It's time to finally admit it to yourself. I know you've made a lot of progress, filling your iPod with the likes of Jeff Buckley, Sigur Ros and The Shins, but you need to take it to the next level now and finally admit that Rush sucks, and always has.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your plans for the big Christmas in August party are going to go awry when everyone fails to grasp the profound irony you are going for.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Stay away from air travel this week. Did I say air travel? Sorry. I meant man-eating crocodiles. No, your flight will go just fine. I think. OK, wait. I'm confused. Which one is it now? Well, whatever. Have a nice trip.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - If this horoscope were a limerick, it would probably seem like a gimmick. So suffice it to say you will have a great day if you stop being such a damn cynic.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Hey, you have a booger hanging from your nose. Made you look.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your lucky unintelligible blatherings this week are "Raining bubble frighten scooter mucker sloop!" and "Glompucket!" Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - For the sake of variety, put two pencils in your left ear some time this week. Unless that's what you normally do.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Play the Radiohead song "Knives Out" backwards and do what you think it is saying. Make sure to wear gloves to minimize the evidence.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your fear of chicken is actually relatively reasonable and does not indicate a need for all the expensive therapy. At least in comparison to your bone-headed faith in astrology.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Putting aside for a moment the large globules on your penis, it would be prudent of you to see a doctor this week for that cough at the very least.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Yes, officially changing your name to Jim Poop will certainly amuse your third grade students. Go for it.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Both sides of the argument for legalizing drugs have legitimate cases. Both sides of the argument for gun control do too. But there is no nuance in the argument against bestiality. Keep the gun, keep the pot. Put the cat down.

Week 7/20/09

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Cancers are fun-loving, outgoing and likely to die exceedingly young. This is because someone will undoubtedly get jealous of the fact that they are having fun and going out and stab them with a pen in the forehead. In the second half of the week, Leo! Leos are fun-loving, outgoing and very similar to Cancers, and look what happened to them this week... think about it.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week you will lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you'd better never let it go-o! You only get one shot, so make sure you hit the guy on the grassy knoll and not the President.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week you will climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every A-road, until you find your dream. The specials at Little Chef this week are Tomato Soup and Falafal Burgers.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week, don't be put out by how much better than you everyone else is. Underneath it all, they're just as suicidal as you.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week, take a leaf out of someone else's book. A marijuana leaf. Then take it to the principal and get his arse expelled.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week, remember that a bird in hand is worth two with bush. Hold on a minute...
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This week, dance pretty boy.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week, don't be afraid to be a bit more liberal with your finances. By which I mean, pay for your prostitute's abortion like a gentleman.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, float like a butterfly and sting like a "Dear John" letter from your long distance girlfriend who was "just friends" with Frank "Pectorals" Smith the Mailman.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, kill two birds with one nuclear warhead.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - This week, if music be the food of love, your brother must have a whole cheer-leading squad in his room, cause the little bastard is playing Fallout Boy so fucking loud I can hear it from across the road!
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, live the dream, however weird, illegal or sexually perverse it might be.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, you will form a Liverpool based rock band and tour the world with your catchy lyrics and up-beat melodies, then eventually end up narrating a children's TV show about trains.

Week 7/13/09

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Cancers are fun-loving, outgoing and putrid. I'm not saying your summer vacation this year will be a complete disaster, but I do need to ask you this: how long do you think you can tread water? Maybe some leg-strengthening exercizes are in order before you set off. Have a good time.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Ketchup, originally "catsup", is a Chinese invention. Ask yourself this this week: when was the last time you used ketchup on your Chinese food?

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Glowing balls of energy orbit your spirit in the supernatural realm. This sounds nice and uplifting and motivating and all, but it actually only makes it easy for the ghosts of old dead enemies to find you and haunt you.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your Great Aunt Eleanor contacted me from beyond. She wants you to know that she's always watching over you. She says you need to stop eating your ear wax, it's unhealthy. And you masturbate too much.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - In a former life, you were a great Mongol warrior. You were responsible for the deaths of literally thousands of innocents, including women and children. You raped, you pillaged, you maimed and destroyed. Karma, knowing no statute of limitations, kindly requests that you tone down the incessant complaining about how badly your life sucks.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your lucky British old-timer catch phrases with no discernable significance this week are "Lord, love a duck!" and "Bob's your uncle!" Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your Janet Reno act is getting old. Try another woman of great power and influence on for a while. Unfortunately there's nothing that can be done about your resemblance to Reno, but still.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week, begin to understand how your sense of shame has hindered you, and that you need to let go of it. You know you invented the Snuggie by wearing your bathrobe backwards. You could be reaping the profits from it if you simply come forward and admit it.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are very good at appearing insane. You just need to work on not actually being insane.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your lucky iconic caveman names this week are "Og" and "Grog". Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - When she told you she was looking for more than just sex with you, she didn't mean you could bring all your buddies next time. Just a heads up.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your relationship with the midget will not work out, and not just because you don't see eye to eye. He's also a big dumb jerk.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Scoot over a bit. A bit more. Good. Now, don't flinch if you don't want to miss the falling cow!

Week 7/6/09

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Cancers are weak, self pitying, but otherwise completely dull and tasteless. It's your birthday this week so get a breast exam your doctor says you have tit cancer and your going to die a lonely life lmao.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The letter c will be your lucky letter this week, unfortunately it will also cause you to lose your breast to cancer .
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This is a good week for you, party like it's 1499. Catch the plague and crap out of the window, in keeping with the theme.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You're on fire this week! Literally! Go take a bath in liquid CO2.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week you will decide to procrastinate... next week
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Talk like Yoda, you will, this week. Hmmm?
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Keep a loaded cricket bat under your bed this week, you'll need it in the coming Zombie Apocalypse.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week if you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you're already dead.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week you will renounce Satan. The bastard stole all your Monster Munch.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, if you find yourself talking to a beautiful girl, at a convenient point in the conversation say: "I've seen things you can't possibly imagine," in an awe-inspiring way. She will immediately be impressed and sleep with you. Probably.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Meet any troubles this week with a smile in your heart and a song on your face.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, keep very, very still. Just trust me.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week the force will be with you. Always.

Week 6/29/09

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Cancers are fun-loving, outgoing and hopeless. This is the year that the crab can expect his paybacks. Be ready for all of the people that hurt you over the years coming back, groveling at your feet, begging you to forgive them and offering any pennance you might require of them. It isn't going to happen, but get ready for it anyway. The look on your face at the end of the year, when you're still wallowing in your abject self-pity, will be priceless.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - All of life speaks to you in a spiritual language that only your heart knows. Either that or you've eaten too much Taco Bell again.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Several of the celebrities you have always idolized will die this week. But do not hole yourself up in your room weeping bitterly. They are real humans, and their deaths will be tragic for the people closest to them, but you didn't know them from Shinola. So settle the fuck down.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - A new path to enlightenment will appear to you at the holy entrance into your vagina. That's if you're hot. And female. Otherwise, no enlightenment for you this week, pal.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Three things will occur to you this week: one, why was there never a god of gravity in any mythology; two, why doesn't chocolate ice cream ever taste like chocolate in any other form; and three, the things that occur to you during a given week are pretty much a waste of all of our time.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The stars hate you this week. God, you make the stars sick to their stomachs this week, I tell you. The stars can't stand the sight of your disgusting, vile ass, or the screechy sound of your whiney, complaining voice. That's all. Otherwise, have a good week.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your life is an open book. In a bonfire. Surrounded by jeering Christians who believe they are doing the Lord's work.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your lucky farts this week are loud and obnoxious but surprisingly inoffensive, and the mysteriously stinky "poot". Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - I know you didn't choose to be a sad clown - becoming a sad clown was the natural result of your pitiful upbringing. Still, you're scaring the kids. Lighten up. Make a god damn balloon animal or something at least.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Listen. Some of my best friends are Pisces. So don't take it personally when I say your religious preference will lose you some lucrative opportunities this week, so leave the mitre at home.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Stop calling me while you are eating marshmallows, I don't understand a word you're saying. How did you get my phone number, anyways? Oh, by the way, this week a Satanist will IM you on facebook.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your lucky meanings of the term "football" this week are "some blazingly boring ball-kicking match played on a pitch in which no one ever scores" and "a gritty, heart-stopping chess-match-slash-battle played on a gridiron between squads of real men, uniquely combining athletic strength and skill with keen intellect and sheer guts". Do not use them interchangeably - forget the first one altogether. It sucks balls, and is unamerican.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Kick a cat this week. For luck.

Week 6/22/09

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Cancers are crybabies, spoiled whore. Your birthday is this week and no one fuckin cares. But if you come over to my place I'll give you a pity punch to the face. see you in hell bitch

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Look out behind you! Oh too late you have cancer. Sorry, you should have read your results.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Usted comenzará a hablar español. ¿Está loco, sí?
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Gorgeous women will run at you from all directions and start to do the most incredible... sorry that's next week's horoscope. This week you will be entombed in a block of ice with Gene Shallot. But hey, look forward to next week.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Some annoying eight year old will keep shining a torch in your face, you'll be like "Stop that!" and he'll be like "No", then you'll lose your temper and beat him to death with a Kit Kat chunky. Hide the body in a lake, they won't look there.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You will have the most wonderful dream, except he was there, and he was there and he was there.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Don't piss off the guy with the Kit Kat chunky.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Take the red pill. That's all I can say.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You will break the fourth wall, much to the dismay of the couple you were watching in the hotel room next door.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You will respond to a shameless article plug from a horoscope writer.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You will join the gang war between the Tweenies and the Fimbles. The question is, which side?
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You will see through the facade of astrology, ergo I don't need to a write you a horoscope.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will receive a fish in the post. Don't worry it's not the Mafia, your subscription to Fisherman's Weekly has finally gone through.

Week 6/15/09

Your birthday this week: Gemini! Geminis are outgoing, fun-loving and soul-crushingly flawed. Desire nothing more nor less this year than food for your table, a pillow for your head, and a clear signal for your SETI radar. Although two out of three of those will have to suffice, seeing that we are, it turns out, alone in this universe after all. Put that shit away already. You freak. And take off that tinfoil hat.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This is a good week to turn into a gerbil. If you have not yet acquired this capability, don't worry. There will be many other good weeks for you to turn into a gerbil in the future.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Stop stressing yourself out about what interrogation methods actually constitute torture, in a strictly legal sense, per se. It really is a situational issue. And your wife knows more than she's telling you.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - A group of Japanese tourists will steal your soul this week. Unless you are not Aborigine. If you are not Aborigine, then they will merely be taking your picture. Smile!

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, you will be ready. You should probably untie that rope from your balls first, though.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - The bad news is, the doctors were right and your baby will be born without limbs. The good news is, the pool water is plenty warm and your wife has no idea why you really want to name him Bob.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - English language gerund ambiguity will strike again this week. Unless you can remember that although "Gargling Cockroaches" is a great name for the band, it's a noun phrase and a colorful metaphor describing the deathcore vocal style, not a verb phrase describing a home remedy for your sore throat.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - That tingling sensation this week is the cosmos telling you that it's working.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your wife may not be into the threesome that you keep begging her for, but look on the bright side. It means you don't have to bring her along. Have fun this weekend!

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your lucky sci-fi catch phrases this week are "You've lost the ability to think and reason for yourselves! You've become... machines!" and "I'm shoving this ship right down that thing's throat!" Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Can you get my utility bills for me this week? I'd really appreciate it. It's not like I've never done anything for you. Water and power are $150, trash is $45 and gas is $29.95. Call me for the info about where to send the checks. Thanks.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - This week old sensations are renewed as an old friend invites you on a nostalgic trip: the Southern California breeze in your auburn hair, the scent of wild sage in the rain-washed desert, and the unmistakable taste of raw monkey brains between your teeth.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You are the master of your destiny, and whatnot. Nice hat, by the way.

Week 6/8/09

Your birthday this week: Gemini! Geminis are fun-loving, outgoing losers. You will lose one sock of a pair this week. Just one fucking sock. Not both. How the hell does one sock get lost from the wash to the dryer? It will be there with the other one when you put them in, and then, inexplicably, it will be gone. Unbefuckinglievable. Of all things. How? There are no holes in the washer. There will be no socks lying around on the floor. How the fuck does this even happen? Where will that sock go? For crying out loud!

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will invent hilarious fake horoscopes this week and post them on a satirical horoscope web site. But you will be sad because the web site will not be The Onion.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Speedometer Christ has your machine blowing horse bundles into the president's crotch. Also, don't forget to turn on your surrealism interpretation machine.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week, you will discover the reason "poop" is always funny, while "poo", not so much. Also, you will fart.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - A final death match in your weary mind between possessive "its" and the contraction "it's" will bring an end to your grammar-induced suffering. I won't tell you who wins, but remember this: consistently wrong will turn out to be no better for you than occasionally wrong.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week you will finally forget about that traumatic, defining moment when you were a little boy - when Jenny Underwood showed you her vagina - that has resulted in your debilitating sexual addiction. Just be sure not to read this horoscope again after it happens, or it's back to square one.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - For the love of God, pin this horoscope to your refrigerator NOW and don't fail to heed its dire warning!

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You will not experience the events that this horoscope claims this week. You will write your own horoscope contradicting it, and it will come true, proving this one wrong. Also, you will begin to tire of paradoxical self-reference humor.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week you will suddenly recall the film Quest for Fire and that feeling you had after seeing it when you were twelve will return: Sure, Rae Dawn Chong was naked for the whole film, but you really couldn't see enough to really get off. Species was much better. Then you will get coffee and get back to work.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - The term "side-splittingly funny" will become tragically real for you this week, and you will be hospitalized with extreme blood loss. That is, unless you can bring yourself to steer clear of my Uncyclopedia articles.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You will just miss meeting Christopher Walken unexpectedly, which I probably shouldn't have told you, because you would never have known it otherwise, and now you're all upset.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Generally, people love your gregariousness, your overblown sense of entitlement and your six fingers on each hand. But this isn't a good week to flaunt them. Just trust me.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You will be a magnet for money this week. But it will not help, because money is not magnetic. Plus, if you are close enough to a god damn dollar bill for a magnetic field to attract it if it were magnetic, then just pick it the hell up and be on your way. Lazy asshole.

Week 6/2/09

Your birthday this week: Gemini! Geminis are fun-loving, outgoing shitfuckers. Have a party with drugs, blackjack and hookers. You'll hate it and probably get arrested, but it will give you a good story to talk about when you eventually go to college, so all your roomies won't think you're a twatty little, upper class, know-it-all, wanker.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will meet your long lost brother. He will be a total arse. Sucks to be you this week, eh?
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You will actually get cancer. Ha ha! And you thought it was just a star sign. These buggers are quite powerful you know. Look what I've written for Scorpio! He is sooooo gonna die...
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You will start speaking in tongues. You will have tongue sandwiches for lunch. You will stick out your tongue at the Pope. You will have a tongue stuck down your throat by a gorgeous girl. It's a good week for tongues...
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Virgo sounds like virgin. Ergo, Virgo (It rhymes, ha ha), you will become a virgin this week. Yes, it is actually possible to find your virginity as well as lose it.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You will meet the love of your life at a Cat Empire concert. If you don't go to a Cat Empire concert you will be lonely forever. Go to the god-damn Cat Empire concert. Now, for fuck's sake!
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Something beggining with the letter 'C' will fall on you from a 2nd floor window. If you're lucky it will be a cotton pillow. More likely, it will be a cleaver. You're fucked I'm afraid.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Nothing will happen to you this week. Well, sorry. Maybe if you stopped lying on your bed eating Frosties out of a bucket something might actually happen to you for once.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will meet a man from Nantucket. Yes, the rumours about him are true.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You will learn to play the guitar like Santana, talk like Sean Connery, sing like Billy Ocean and tell a joke like Bill Bailey. Congratulations, you have won at horoscopes!
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You will find God. He is under the fridge with all the other unnecessary fluff.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - A strange man with the letter A in his name will approach you and try to sell you a teddy bear that has been chewed by a dog. Don't buy it. The bear has siphylis. If you're going to get syphilis you may as well do it the normal, fun way. By the way, you should also learn how to spell syphullis.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Punch anyone who says 'like' more than five times in a sentence. They have it coming.

Week 4/6/09

Your birthday this week: Aries! Aries are fun-loving, outgoing pieces of shit. Your feelings of inadequacy are not as strong as they should be. You need to start feeling more inadequate, so hang around other people this year. It doesn't matter who - anyone at all will be better than you at everything. Being such a wretched low-life, you will never feel as inadequate as you really are, but you should at least strive to. Also, stop bothering to clean your fingernails. It doesn't help and it's just a waste of time.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Jupiter and Mars are going to solicit your assistance this week in their hazing prank against Mercury. If you choose to participate, bring a change of clothes. Someone may be tipping Mercury off, and a counter-plan may be in the works. You didn't hear it from me.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, put a large, round object of unknown material and origin in your pipe and smoke it.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - An ugly, scary lady with large yellow eyes is going to walk up to you this week and ask to speak to you. Do not be afraid of her - she is only there to devour your soul, which you aren't even using anyway.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Simply spew back what your instructors are spoon-feeding you this week - they don't want to hear your keen insights, they only want to know if you absorbed all of their incessant blathering. If you are not a student, do this with your wife.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Sit at your desk lugubriously this week, staring blankly at your computer monitor, mourning your sad, pitiful existence. Then on Saturday take the attractive new brunette in accounting up to lover's cliff and push her over, laughing horrifically.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This is it! Make that Oscar-winning animated short this week, using the funds we told you to steal from work last week. Wait. No, we forgot to tell you to do that last week. Damn. There goes your film career. Oh, well. Back to the grindstone, I guess.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - No, in fact, unfortunately there is no metaphorical meaning to "tear you limb from limb", certainly not for Big Joe. We suggest you leave town, and fast.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your perfect ice sculptor this week is a Capricorn. If you don't happen to need an ice sculptor this week, then sucks for you. Remember, luck can be defined as opportunity meeting preparedness, so make sure you'll need an ice sculptor this week next year.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your lucky M*A*S*H catch phrases this week are "Live, damn it!" and... oh, wait. That's the only M*A*S*H catch phrase. Well, add another one from some other TV wartime medical dramedy, if you like, and use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Even if eyebrows are overrated, not wearing hubcaps on your head is not. So take them off and put down the razor. You're so odd.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You will be livid when they take away your television. You will be outraged when they take away your radio. You will be incensed when they take away your computer. Then, to top it all off, you will be... uh... really angry when they take away your thesaurus.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Live your life this week as if every moment were your last. To effectively simulate this condition, wedge a thick, poorly chewed piece of chicken cacciatore into your esophagus and leave it there all week.

Week 3/30/09

Your birthday this week: Aries! Aries are fun-loving, outgoing and dead. The Dire Straits' lead man Mark Knopfler is the one who murdered you last week with slow-acting poison. There is no antedote, but before you croak you can probably find his publicist, get in touch with his lawyer and work out an out-of-court settlement. He isn't really rich, but I'm sure you can get enough out of him to ensure your family's future stability after you're gone. Don't bother pressing charges. He's a sneaky Dire Strait, and I doubt he left any physical evidence that would establish his guilt beyond reasonable doubt. Remember, though - the burden of proof is lighter for civil action. Plus, you can write a book real quick.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Those so-called "friends" imploring you to come off the ledge and talk to them don't have your best interest at heart. Be open to the suggestions of the stangers below calling "jump!" - they may just have exactly what you need.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - The darkness finally overcomes you this week. It has been a long, valiant struggle to resist it, and for that you should be proud of yourself. Alas, it ends this week, and you lose. But, again, really, nice try.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week is poop. You may not think "poop" is a funny word now, but if you had read this when you were in third grade, you'd be rolling.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Go back to last week, before you finished the time machine, and kill yourself. That's the only way you can prevent what happened next week.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - If a chainsaw is what you really want, then by all means, don't let us interfere with your happiness. But at the same time, don't say we didn't warn you.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - The impending Zombie invasion is nothing for you to worry about. Remember, they eat brains. You are safe.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your lucky TV courtroom drama catch phrases this week are "Move to strike!" and "Sidebar, your honor!" Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The good news is, two girls will be coming over this weekend for some fun. The bad news is they're bringing one cup.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - The secret to your happiness is dwingbazzle pizot vomer. You should understand that - it is in secret Sagittarius language so no stinky Scorpios can read it and have happiness too.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, but drug money beats them all. Keep a wad of those powder-caked Benjamins at the ready, because here comes Scott with his incessant fist-bobbing.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your alien abductors will annoy you this week when they describe your beloved planet as "a bit dusty, all in all". But try not to get too upset, because they have ray guns.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Here's the big reveal: You are the only person that really exists. Everything else is an illusion implanted in your head by all-powerful aliens from Ztworq. You can communicate with them by eating the foam from your mattress. The Ztworqans have important instructions for you, so start munching.

Week 3/23/09

Your birthday this week: Aries! Aries are fun-loving, outgoing and destined for failure. Pisces' influence on your atman has your chi stuck deep in your kundalini. Make sure you finally stop sucking this year, because the stars say it's your last chance before the tantric shit starts hitting the fan! You can't live forever on borrowed chakra, after all.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - No one will be impressed this week when your predictions that your baby will be born anencephalic prove tragically correct - it was, after all, a no-brainer.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week you will constantly get in the slow lane at the Supermarket. Changing to another lane won't help, either, as the slow lane speed will shift with you. You will also have trouble opening the new plastic fruit bags. And the cart you will try to pull will get stuck to the cart in front of it in the stack. And your three-year-old will scream bloody murder the entire time. Do I need to go on?

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week everything will work out for you like it never has - the coffee will be hot and the pistachios will be spicy. It will be so wonderful that the positive herpes test results on Friday won't seem so bad, all in all.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Jupiter and Mars are conspiring against you this week, and they may be bringing their friends along. Stay indoors all week, and for the love of god, if any planets come knocking, don't open the door!

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Savor with simple glee all of the good things life has to offer this week - the golden rays of sunshine, the delightful tunes of the morning bird's songs, and the melodious crash and tinkle sounds of the windshield against your nasal bone.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - The economy is in shambles, but it's nothing compared to your love life. Don't expect any stimulus package this week, either.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Stay away from the Taurus in accounting this week - he has a hidden upskirt camera on his shoe.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - God may not be mocked, but the stars don't care. So go ahead and mock astrology all you want. Rest assured, nothing bad will happen to you.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This is a good week to slack off at work. Browse the internet all day, write a few satirical encyclopedia articles. Procrastinate. Which is to say it's a lousy week to change your behavior and start being productive.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You are a person who lives by your convictions. This week, however, you will regret this when your convictions on all counts result in multiple consecutive terms of twenty years to life.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This is the week for you to start on that diet. Jupiter is aligned with your giant ass.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Mercury is rising in your house, so you enter into exotic pet ownership at your own peril. Mercury is notorious for unprovoked attacks on perceived territorial threats.

Week 3/16/09

Your birthday this week: Pisces! Pisces are fun-loving, outgoing emos. This week is a special week because this is when you stop having birthdays and Aries starts taking over. How does this make this week's Pisces special? They become emo! Enjoy this week for its putrid weather, stinky flora and indifferent people. This is your last week alive.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Spend more time with your wife and less time with your mother. Unless they happen to be the same person. If that's the case, spend more time with your sister. Unless...
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You are in a foul mood right now, but it sure beats being in a calm one. You can plead not guilty by reason of insanity that way.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Choose your friends wisely as one of them may want to eat you. You heard me right... eat you! Maybe I should have said "choose your vacation spots wisely" last week.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Now's the best time to buy yourself a new home, maybe one with a roof or something.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Don't look now, but you have a stalker on your heels. But it's okay, since this stalker will soon be disgusted by everything about you. It's a gift, my Cancerian!
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Thinking about cheating on your mate? Think again... Actually, it's a pretty good idea, isn't it? You go for it!
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - There is always more than one answer to a puzzle. Except in jigsaw, there's really only one answer for that.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - One man's trash is another man's treasure. Except if it's a nagging wife, that's usually just trash.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again. Except if you're leaping the Grand Canyon, you'll probably only get one shot at that.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - It's easy to just give up, but you shouldn't! Just keep persisting, and eventually, you'll get to become a level 5 sorceress!
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Spend less time with your sister and more time with your brother. Unless...
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Nothing interesting happens to you.