UnNews:Some guy named Haig dies

The news outlet with approval higher than Congress

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UnNews

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Sunday, December 22, 2024, 01:24:59 (UTC)

21 February 2010

~~Haig: In memoriam~~ Editor’s note: This is Sid Haig, he is alive and well. The original author -- a horse with down syndrome -- somehow had Sid Haig confused with Alexander Haig. I hope that clears up anybody's confusion.

SOMEWHERE, the World -- I tuned in late Friday morning to reviledly-conservative cable news channel Faux News, when the scroll reported that somebody by the name of Haig was in critical condition for something or another. They didn't specify, but I believe it may have been incurable old people’s disease. They have since announced that Haig has died from whatever condition s/he had.

The only Haig I know of is horror and exploitation cult icon Sid Haig. Haig, 70, has starred in several Jack Hill films such as Spider Baby, The Big Doll House, and Foxy Brown starring Pam Grier. He is perhaps best known for playing Captain Spaulding in Rob Zombie’s House of 1,000 Pissed off Daeg Fans and Rob Zombie’s Reject. He also appeared in a cameo as the grave keeper in Zombie’s brilliant Halloween remake.

His scene went something like this: "Goddamn son of a bitch! Fucking kids! Jesus Christ, they think I have anything better to do in in my time than clean up this shit? God dammit! Fucking little idiots!"

After doing a bit of Googling and whatnot, I didn’t have much luck finding out if Sid was, in fact, the Haig in question. A search for "sid haig death" returned no results. I then searched for "captain spaulding death" and was treated to the ending of The Devil’s Rejects on YouTube.

Editor’s note: Are you a retarded monkey or something, asshole? This is the Haig who died recently. His name is Alexander Haig. He has nothing to do with Sid Haig. Sid is alive and well. You got that? Good.

Then I did what most horror buffs would do. I checked Bloody-Disgusting, Dread Central, Penny Dreadful, Fangoria, and even Sid Haig's official site. Nothing came up concerning his death. I searched his Internet Movie Database profile and message board, but to no avail; the most recent post dates back to 2009.

Finally I gave up and turned on the TV to every cable news channel I could find -- CNN, Faux News, Fox News, Nick News, MTV News, and even Telemundo and Univision.

Listening to Dee Snider and Debbie Rochon’s Fangoria Radio didn't help matters, either. Nobody was even aware of the idea that Sid Haig may, in fact, be dead.

I turned the cable news channels back on, and they talked a little bit about the Haig who had died. Haig was a male. Apperently, he was the Secretary of State under Ronald Reagan. He was also White House Chief of Staff under Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford, and a U.S. Army general, whose breakthrough post-Army hit song was entitled "Trousers on the Floor." Haig was a Korea and Vietnam veteran, and 85 years old -- 15 years Spaulding’s senior. I knew it wasn’t Sid Haig!

My IMDb posting received laughs and posts such as "*beep* you, hater!" and "You’ve got the wrong Haig." I had been laughed off the internet, and all I wanted to know was which Haig died. I feel so rejected.

I guess I’ll never know this Haig guy’s name, so just let me know if you happen to find out, which I highly doubt.

Editor’s note: It was Alexander Haig, you shit-for-brains fucking moron retarded monkey! Next time, do a little more research.