UnNews:Gene Simmons dies; KISS seeking replacement

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

✪

UnNews

✪

Thursday, November 21, 2024, 13:57:59 (UTC)

29 January 2010

The legendary lecher of limitless libido.

VAIL, Colorado -- Academy Award-winning actor and founding bassist of famous glammy hard-rock band KISS, Gene Simmons died January 22, 2010 at the age of 80. The cause of death was lung cancer compounded by hemorrhagic syphylis, mononucleosis, mangy gonorrhea, smegma-caked genital warts, and Napoleon complex at 6:12AM Pacific time, in his tool shed. KISS fans and other mental defectives are gouging their eyes out in sympathy for the widows, children, and pets of Mr. Simmons.

Best known for having bedded over 700,000 women, an Oscar-winning role as Ophelia in 1948's Hamlet, and a minor role in a small rock and roll concern, he leaves a legacy of venereal disease and unrealistic expectations to millions. The bulk of his estate will go to the Mormon Church, with adequate stipends for his wives and trail of offspring from here to Dubai.

Simmons also took acting roles in The Blue Lagoon, Angel Face, The Robe, Guys and Dolls, Hilda Crane, Elmer Gantry, Spartacus, The Grass Is Greener, Divorce American Style, Mr. Syracus, TV's KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park, Runaway, Never Too Young to Die, Trick or Treat, TV's The Thorn Birds, Red Surf, Detroit Rock City, and TV's Spongebob Squarepants and Gene Simmons: Family Jewels.

Google employee Heinrich Galapagos is slated to take up Gene Simmons mantle, for the moment.

Mr. Simmons will be replaced pro tempore by Heinrich Galapagos, former front man for Larry "Bad Motor" Elliott and the Noisy Homos, until a certifiably insane man is picked to round out the bizarre quartet.

"We're still looking," says singer, rhythm guitarist, and founding member Paul Stanley. "We are looking for the most bombastic, fire-breathing, blood-spewing, thunder pumping, flamboyant Jew on the planet to replace our beloved Gene. We've had some good auditions... That 'Pants on the Ground' guy came in to audition, and we really dig his style. But only time will tell."

Since 1975, Simmons was being treated by Dr. Michael Love, who gave him an arsenal of medications to take for his sexual ailments. Simmons subsequently wrote a song about him in 1976. Dr. Love is currently being questioned by authorities, but insists that he is not guilty of malpractice.

"I would never have done anything to hurt or kill Gene Simmons," he says. "Richard Simmons, maybe. That guy makes Liberace look like George Clooney."

Unfortunately, Dr. Love seems blissfully unaware of Clooney in 1997's Batman & Robin, which was beyond gay.

"Oh, I never saw that one. I take back everything I just said. Everything."

No murder or manslaughter charges have been filed as of yet.

The current permanent KISS lineup consists of Stanley, lead guitarist Tommy Thayer, and drummer Eric Singer. The band's hits include "Rock and Roll All Nite," "Shout It Out Loud," "I Love It Loud," "God of Thunder," "Love Gun," "Calling Dr. Love," "I Was Made for Loving You," "Detroit Rock City," "Beth," "Lick It Up," "Heaven's on Fire," "Tears Are Falling," "Plaster Caster," "God Gave Rock and Roll To You II," and a whole slew of others. Their most recent album, KISS Sells Out to Wal-Mart, was released in 2009 as a Wal-Mart exclusive.