HowTo:Write Good

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Your English teacher, Mrs. Crabtree. She wants you to write good.

It was a dark and stormy night. You were worried because you had a teacher and she wanted you to write a long three page essay and you were worried because you don't know how to write good. But now never fear this article is here to help. This article will show you how you to can learn to write good.

The Grabber

Look at the beginning of this article. It grabs you immediately. This is what writers like my brother and I call the "grabber". Basically, you just think of a phrase that makes people go woah! and makes them want to read the rest of your thing.

It doesn't matter what kind of a thing you guys are writing because this grabber is just for getting people to want to read the rest so make it real good. It was a dark and stormy night is one of the most popular grabbers and it works every time. You can make up your own grabber if you want, but be careful. It has to really grab.

Here are some other good grabbers: you can use any one of them if you want

  • The cow's vagina did not look like I expected it would.
  • Bob was normally scared of people without feet.
  • One morning, Gregor Samsa woke to find himself transformed into a giant art critic.

The Plot

A tough plot to write: a minority youth doing (not terrorizing) math.

You can't write without knowing your story. So knowing your story is the most important thing you need to know in order to write. Your story should always be about minority youths terrorizing the neighborhood. That way you will always know what to write about. Unless you are writing about math or something else that minority youths never terrorize.

Good plots follow an unviolatable formula, which you violate at your own riskiness:

  1. First, your good guy lives somewhere cool and does something cool.
  2. Next, everything beyond his control changes and makes him ponder the significance of his place in your writed universe.
  3. He decides to do something about what changed. This is called the moment of decision. Make him decide something that only makes things worse.
  4. Things get made worse by what he decided.
  5. Things get even worse. This is called the build-up.
  6. He calls his mom for advice, but... she's DEAD!
  7. No one will help him!
  8. He takes matters into his own hands and confronts his fear face-on. This is called the climax.
  9. He wins! Then he tells what he learned. This is called the denoument.

Every good book follows this format. Except for Finnegan's Wake and James And The Giant Peach. Don't think that I forgot to mention Where The Wild Things Are, because it doesn't follow this format, but it's not a good book. It's a load of crap, because there is no climax.

Good dialog

Good dialog is like a good simile. Similes are things that are like other things. I will talk more about that in the Style section. For now let's talk about how characters talk.

Use a lot of racially specific accentiture. For instance, you should never write that a girl character says "Stop fronting you bitch" because that just doesn't work. Write "Stop fron (glottal stop) in, you beeotch." Do you see the difference?

The most important aspects of dialog are in the things that are not said. I know that sounds ironic, but it isn't. I would never write anything ironic. It is very important that your characters never leave anything unsaid. Because you don't want people reading your story to wonder what they didn't say. Here is an example:

He: Hey girl, what up?
She: Nothin'

These characters don't say enough for good dialog to be here.

He: Hey girly-girl, what's shakin up in the hizzle?
She: Awwww, y'all so craaaaazy.

This is much better because the characters are more fuller. Practice this principal a lot.


Don't worry too much about complexing your characters too much because if you follow the dialog advice, you will win this battle.

One of the keys to strong characters is relationships. So make sure most of your characters have relationships with most of your other characters. If your good at math, then there should definately be a character factorial number of relationships between each other, characters-wise. So if you have a hundred and forty characters, which is totally a good number for an epic story like yours, then be sure to describe all possible combinations of those relationships, which works out by my calculator to be 1.3462012475717523e+241, whatever that means you math whizzes! Make sure they are all really well described relationships too.


Pick some way you like to write and totally exaggerate it, and people will identify it as your style. For instance, similes. Use a lot of similes. What's a simile, you ask? A simile is like a river of minty milk. Hah! Did you see that? I used a simile to tell what a simile is. That's another stylistic trick. I don't know what it's called though.

Here are more good similes you can use:

  • A day without a football match is like tearing your eyeballs out of your head with a piece of plywood and shoving them up a virgin's cunt.
  • As ugly as a piece of turned horse meat marinated in shit, she was born in a house of fat Irish whores who sang like moaning turtles after having been stepped on by snot-stained little jew-boys.
  • His footsteps sounded like mars, a nearby planet known for red sands and orange skies.

These are only a few of the seven similes writers most often use.


Closure is the key: at least make sure you have the train hit her, if you can't find a character to save her.

Nothing is more important than the ending. The ending is what people will remember you by. So end it with an exciting ending, and make sure all of your loose ends are tied up. You know you have failed your whole writing task if someone says after reading, "Whatever happened to the girl who was tied up on the railroad tracks?" Make sure she at least gets hit by a train so people can grieve and have closure about her.

In fact, after you write "The End", it is usually advisable to go back and read at least the parts where you forgot to finish something up, then go back and erase "The End" and write something about what happened to that character that you forgot about. It is usually really hard to do this, so here is a very helpful ending you can use if you can't think of one yourself:

And do you remember Molly Tewksberg? She was the one who escaped to tell Grandma Badong about the fire. Well, she never did get to Grandma Badong's house, because she fell into a bear trap. But as you know Grandma Badong found out about the kidnapping anyway. This was because a different thing that I didn't mention told her. So that's how she was able to find Dr. Hoobonk and have him help her get Sally and Georgio out of the cellar.

Remember though if you do use this one to include scenes about a cellar and Sally and Georgio being stuck or something or it doesn't really work.

Deus Ex Machina

You will hear writing teachers tell you all the time not to deus ex machina. They are so right. How do you deus ex machina? I am not really sure. Oh, hang on, a talking biscuit just walked in. He tells me it's when you introduce something totally unrelated to your story in order to make something happen that you need to happen, and that you have no other way to make happen. I don't really underst- OH MY GOD! A TALKING BISCUIT!

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