Affair

Cheers, you know? Cheers for killing me inside! Bitch.

An affair is something people with no sense do. People who are generally evil. People who generally don't deserve to live. People who would make the world a better place if they had never been born anyway. Like my wife Terri. The bitch.

I suppose you want a dictionary definition, do you? Well an affair is actually when a man or a woman, who is in a relationship, then engages in another sexual relationship with someone else, usually a plumber or wannabe journalist, preferably "foreign" or some other scum of the Earth, without telling their partner. Extra-marital affairs are the worst kind, and I would know. You might not even believe its possible. But it is. Some people just think promises mean nothing. Because they are complete and utter f***ing t***ts. And just to clarify, those stars are not in place of "farting twits".

Etymology

Like I give a s**t about etymology? Yeah, this is an article, but if I'm not satisfying my wife in bed and she needs to carry on with a tradesman, I don't really care about the history of the name of the word. All I know is, it is probably French for "horrible, conniving, selfish act by someone who doesn't care about the children". And she says that it's all untrue, and that we don't even have any children. But like I care. The point still stands.

History

Affairs are fairly common. In the olden days, they used to be punishable by death. Unfortunately, that no longer applies. So Terri gets off scot-free. Well, not quite. I mean, she has to put up with the eggs in her hair, and the stinkbombs in her car, and the bombs in her letterbox, but its nothing less than she deserves. She's lucky I'm such a nice person. She's lucky I know where to draw the line. Because SHE obviously doesn't! SHE thinks its alright just to...you know...when I'm not even...even...around, and...I can't believe she did this! I thought our love was strong! She is EVIL!!

Yeah, affairs are always bad news. History tells us that.

Religion

All major religions take a dim view of people who have affairs. In Christianity, it is the only reason divorce is allowed. Well yeah, we divorced. You got that right. She said my accusations were unfounded. UNFOUNDED!! You weren't there. It was mid-July, and I came back from work early because my shift was finished. That slimy plumber was there fixing our sprinklers. We'd only been married 3 months. I knew she wasn't keen on me already. She called me "stalker-ish" once. She was always going out with her friends. Or that's what I thought. It was probably actually with her many boyfriends, the disgusting slut.

Yeah. So I got home, and he was outside shirtless, and she was giving him a blowjob. I rushed over there and started beating them. I had a right to be angry, though, didn't I? SHE WAS HAVING A F***ING AFFAIR!!! YEAH! YOU HEARD ME! We had been married 3 months!! 3 months and she was already having an affair!

And as I threw the teacups at them, I yelled "You're gonna go to hell!" And they will, as well. Bet even Satan is scared of them, the most evil people on the planet.

Chemistry

Well, I thought we had some. But obviously not. She said a few days after, once she'd bothered to think up an excuse, that she was only offering him tea. And she was kneeling down to put the tea on the ground. Well, yeah. Really believable! I mean, it explains why the tea was there. But that's a lie. I saw it with my own eyes!! They were probably using it for some disturbing, sinful, horrible, disgusting, evil, evil sexual act. Her shirt was unbuttoned by at least three buttons! And his trousers were inhumanly short! Explain that away, I told her.

She said it was a very hot day.

I told her she was a piece of garbage, and I set fire to her cat. Terri then filed for divorce. I know what you're thinking. She filed for divorce? It should have been me. I was the only decent, honest, caring person in the couple! I hadn't been f***ing the plumber, unlike SOME BITCH I know. But she said I was harassing, and overprotective, and - Well, guess what? IT'S ALL A LIE! AND ONLY THE MOST DISGUSTING, EVIL, HATEFUL WOMAN WOULD HAVE AN AFFAIR AND THEN BLAME IT ON THE OTHER FUCKING PERSON! And I'm so angry I'm not even starring out the f word. She deserves it. She deserves every death threat and smashed window and stalker-ish phone call she gets.

Romantic affair

A romantic affair, also called an affair of the heart, may refer to sexual liaisons among unwed or wedded parties, or to various forms of nonmonogamy. Unlike a casual relationship, which is a physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have sex without expecting a more formal romantic relationship, an affair is by its nature romantic. Affair may also describe part of an agreement within an open marriage or open relationship, such as Swinging, dating, or polyamory, in which some forms of sex with one's non-primary partner(s) are permitted and other forms are not. Participants in open relationships, including unmarried couples and polyamorous families, may consider sanctioned affairs the norm, but when a non-sanctioned affair occurs, it is described as infidelity and may be experienced as adultery, or a betrayal both of trust and integrity, even though to most people it would not be considered "illicit".

When a romantic affair lacks both overt and covert sexual behaviour and yet exhibits intense or enduring emotional intimacy it may be referred to as an emotional affair, platonic love, or a romantic friendship.

Extramarital affair

Extramarital affairs are relationships outside of marriage where an illicit romantic or sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment occurs.

An extramarital affair that continues in one form or another for years, even as one of the partners to that affair passes through marriage, divorce and remarriage, could be considered the primary relationship and the marriages secondary to it. This may be serial polygamy or other forms of nonmonogamy.

The ability to pursue serial and clandestine extramarital affairs whilst safeguarding the secrets and conflict of interest inherent in the practice, requires skill in deception and duplicitous negotiation. Even to hide one affair requires a degree of skill or malicious gaslighting. All these behaviors are more usually called lying.

Deception can be defined as the "covert manipulation of perception to alter thoughts, feeling, or beliefs". The presence of deception may indicate the degree to which the deceiver has breached fundamental conditions of fidelity, of reciprocal vulnerability and of transparency. Sometimes these are explicit or assumed pre-conditions of a committed intimate relationships.

Individuals having affairs with married men or women can be prosecuted for adultery in some jurisdictions and can be sued by the jilted spouses in others, or named as 'co-respondent' in divorce proceedings. As of 2009, eight U.S. states permitted such alienation of affections lawsuits.

Online affair

The appearance of computer-mediated communication introduces a new type of communication and consequently a new type of "affair". There are various kinds of computer-mediated communication that differ in some significant aspects: one-to-one or group communication formats, interrelating with anonymous or identified people, and communicating in synchronous or asynchronous formats. Online affairs combine features of close and remote relationships. It also

Ben Ze'ef argues that an online affair is a unique kind of affair—termed "detached attachment", or just "detachment"—that includes opposing features whose presence in a face-to-face affair would be paradoxical. Like direct, face-to-face affairs, online affairs can be spontaneous and casual and show intensive personal involvement. However, online affairs can also be more of a planned discourse than spontaneous talk; like written letters, online messages can be stored and thus have permanent presence, which is absent from face-to-face affairs.

People participating in online affairs may be strangers to each other in the sense that they have never actually met each other. However, they are also close to each other since they share intimate information. In online affairs, people try to enjoy the benefits of both close and remote affairs, while avoiding their flaws. People enjoy the highly valued products of close affairs while paying the low cost of remote affairs. As one woman wrote: 'He constantly told me that he can not provide me with what I would want and I would always respond with: "I'm not asking anything from you, but simply enjoy your company.

Trivia

• Trivia sections are discouraged, apparently. Yeah? Well, so are affairs.
• Demons are mythical beings, often said to look beautiful and human, but then reveal their true colours, in that they work for the devil. I never believed in this stuff before that summer's day, but now I do. Because I've met one. And she was called Terri.
• On soap operas, the people get over affairs really easily. That is the most ridiculous, evil, disgusting thing. It leaves a lasting impact. I've been divorced, ooh, 20 years, and I still hate her guts. And I hate them even more every time I see her stupid fucking face on the television doing the weather.
• 21 years actually. God, will this pain never heal? Why?
• Offering him tea? Yeah? Don't make me sick. Wait, too late. She's doing the weather again.
• Chainsaws are surprisingly easy to handle.