Randy Newman

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“Huh huh huh, howd that dirt taste wandy”

~ Cougar Foster on Randy Newman

Randall Stuart "Randy" Newman (born November 28, 1943) is known to be a backwoods grilled cheese-eating, hairy back-having, big toe-licking, piano playing son of a gun.


Spotting a R Newman is very rare. But he is easily recognizable by his front butt, Red Rum hair, and abnormally large lobes and nubs.


Randy was born in a toilet and was flushed into the local cess pool, where he was raised by two hairy cess pool workers named Herb and Derge. He attended school for hours at a time. He became interested in learning how to play the piani and piano, but he dropped out of school after his front butt got tangled up in the jungle gym causing it to collapse and crush several students. He ran and hid in the local strip joint "Dusty Britches", where he taught himself the piano. However, his disgusting front butt embarrassed and even humiliated him in public, so Randy banished himself into the darkest shadows of the strip joint and became notorious as "The Phantom of The Dusty Britches." During this time period, Randy wrote several piano pieces, including "Diesch Kreider Tod", a German ballad. Eventually he grew accustomed to his lonely life and would come out and feed periodically. After the strip joint closed, Randy became interested in circus life. After joining the Russian circus as "Destructo", he performed three times an hour by crushing cinder blocks with his front butt, which is now named "Bulgey." The Circus master eventually allowed Randy to play piano in between his acts. His piano talent was discovered by Elvis Presley, but Elvis shocked Randy with a stun gun and stole Randy's song "Ain't Nuthin' But a G' Thang". Elvis simply replaced "G' Thang" with "Hound Dog." It was a number 1 hit, and put Elvis on the map. From this point on, Randy and Elvis held a creepy grudge. Randy decided to enter the music business under the alias Funky Fingers. However, his music had stayed underground for 30 years.

The Mafia[edit]

  • When Randy Newman was 29 years old, he fell upon hard times. He found work by running kittens from Columbia to the United States. During this time, Randy was introduced to kitten huffing, which later would damage his life. After becoming a Mafia lieutenant, he met Frank Sinatra when Randy was ordered to rough him up for "grambling" debts.
  • Eventually, Randy was named a cheiftain of the Gandolfo crime family, under Greg the Man, a popular mafiaoso. Greg and Randy always held a silent grudge against each other, and even fought at the local Hooters, when Greg was served ahead of Randy, even though Randy ordered first. Randy had secretly wanted the coveted "Don" position, held by Dan the Guy. When Dan suffered a stroke, Greg claimed the Don-ship. With his small force, Randy then made a grab for power by ordering all of the heads of the Five Families killed. When his plan backfired horribly, Randy and Frank made a run for the Canadian border, only to run into the "La Gandofine" family, Canada's top Mafia Family. Frank then told Randy "Let's kill all these sons of bitches." Randy and Frank then proceeded to fire their glocks immediately killing 327 goombas. However, Randy collasped with exhaustion. Frank dragged Randy into the back of their Ford Dooley, and drove back to New York City. Randy and Frank then planned a hostile rub-out of Greg. On October 37, 1973, Randy took his place in a phone booth, while Frank sat in a parked car. When Greg the Man arrived at the local McDonald's, Randy detonated a bomb planted in a garbage can, injuring 12 and 1/3 mafioso. Randy and Frank then ambushed Greg the Man and gunned him down. With their plan's sucess, Frank and Randy ruled all of New York City. But Randy still wanted to continue his music career.
  • After Elvis' popularity declined, Randy staged a musical uprising in which, he gained enormous listeners. Soon, he started playing at venues all over Earth. He toured with Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Led Zeppelin and had a pretty good solo career. While on the road, Randy developed a serious Kitten-huffing addiction, which caused him heart problems, and his doctor announced that Randy was due for 4 heart attacks. Then 40 years later, he changed his name once again, this time to Milli Vanilli. On October 38, 1999, his track was desturbed and began to skip while Randy was in the middle of his performance. He was put on trial for lip-synching his songs. After his lip-synching scandal, he began to write only television themes. But after his four simultaneous heart attacks on stage, all occurring at the exact same time, he fled into the woods never to perform live again. Now he is being spotted by a few people all over North America. At night, he can be heard performing his first song "Diesch Kreider Tod"

Quick Facts[edit]

  • After his third liposuction, Randy installed a valve on his belly, which when opened, will evacuate all of his fat cells
  • He has a fat body
  • He wears glasses
  • He can stick out his tongue and touch his ear
  • He can throw four babies high into the air and only three will come back
  • He eats
  • He eats a lot
  • He can stick out his tongue and touch his toes
  • He will undress you with his eyes
  • He can stick out his tongue and touch your Mom
  • He is too big for clothes, so he just paints his stomach and wraps himself in flower-decorated sheets
  • His head was annexed by the USA in 1985, or 6.
  • He was the inspirations for the popular board games Hungry Hungry Hippoes and Operation, which is modeled after his fifth Octuple By-pass Triple Heart surgery.

( His penis was removed during the surgery to prevent poking accidents )

  • He sweats chocolate.

See Also[edit]