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Featured version: 8 December 2006 |
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Dear hooker I slept with in Vegas,
I know this might seem like I'm into polygamy or something just because I have five wives at the same time, but I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain intoxicated. I just need to find someone who is male and breathes — and quickly. I want to tell you that I think you are composed mainly of various carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus, iron, copper, magnesium, sulfur, calcium, potassium, iodine, sodium and silicon compounds (well, duh...), but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are scared of sheep, and I am not. You like playing Worms 3D, dressing up as yourself during Halloween, and practicing surgery on household pests, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date our respective parents, if only so we can feel unfaithful again. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever someone asks me what the ultimate expression of the ongoing cultural and genetic decay of humanity is. I'd really like us to become born-again strangers, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least when we turned the clock forward a few hours and then pretended that something nice happened during that time (whereas nothing at all happened, really). Take care of yourself and never forget that I'm being entirely serious.
~ (name is not important as we are all so much more than our names).
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