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Featured version: 8 December 2006 |
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Dear voices that I hear sometimes in my head,
I know this might seem like karmic kannibalism to you, seeing as we made all those plans to spend at least more than two hours together, but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — it's just a shame I waited so long to do it, and wasted so much of my valuable time. I just need to find someone who is male and breathes — and quickly. I want to tell you that I think you are going to get coal for Christmas this year, being as naughty as you are, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are an agnostic, and I am a mother of two-and-a-half. You like caressing lamp accessories, gay midgets, and watching DaxFlame on YouTube while singing "Lucy in the Sky of Diamonds", and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date our respective parents, if only so we can feel unfaithful again. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I'm too lazy to clean my dishes by myself. I'd really like us to become bitter enemies, constantly plotting each other's downfall until one of us (preferably me) succeeds, giving that person (again, preferably me) the opportunity to engage in stereotypical maniacal laughter, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, unless I was just dreaming. Take care of yourself and never forget that I know where you buried the body, and won't hesitate to contact police should the need arise.
~ Grand Admiral of Switzerland. |