 |
  |
 Featured Article (read another featured article)
|
Featured version: 8 December 2006 |
| This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. | |
 |
Dear Sperm Donor,
I know this might seem like I'm into polygamy or something just because I have five wives at the same time, but I'm sorry about this — but another officer is at the door - I'll write more in an hour. I just need to plot your murder for another week and I'm set to go. I want to tell you that I think you are Jimbo, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are an epic fail, and I am not the type of person to be running around screaming that I have a "relationship". You like groping fresh produce, playing with your pasta meals until it looks like the Flying Spaghetti Monster before proceeding to eat it, and biking against red light at rush hour, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date — oh wait, I meant to write "hate" of course. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever someone mentions the words "anorexia", "bulimia" and/or "starvation" in my presence. I'd really like us to become old without ever speaking to, or thinking of, each other ever again, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, well, no... but no-one else has to know that. Take care of yourself and never forget that I still have your diary and can at any time mail the most embarrassing parts (like the chapter about the summer of -04) of it to The New York Times.
~ Norman Bates.
|