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Featured version: 8 December 2006 |
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Sunday, January 25, 2026
Dear Poster Child for the Criminally Insane,
I know this might seem like , well... inevitable, really, to you, seeing as we made all those plans to alphabetize our combined compact disc collections someday, but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — well, sort of, at least, kind of, maybe, a little... I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule. I want to tell you that I think you are my personal Jiminy Cricket, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a good-for-nothing crack whore, and I am a nun. You like forcing naughty school children to read the Necronomicon, peeling watermelons, and playing King Kong with dollhouses in toystores (and going to jail for it), and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other people. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I make additions to my personal list of people I intend to kill. I'd really like us to become partners in crime and rob helpless old ladies of their retirement savings, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, even if they only lasted a few microseconds. Take care of yourself and never forget the hard work of the ten million chained up monkeys with typewriters that wrote this letter.
~ Princess Peach.
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