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Featured version: 8 December 2006 |
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Thursday, January 22, 2026
Dear Sperm Donor,
I know this might seem like a big surprise to you, seeing as we made all those plans to trade all our remaining STDs even-steven, but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain high. I just need more sex, and for longer than the 3 minutes and 2 inches you're able to provide... or was it the other way around? Anyway... I want to tell you that I think you are not the worst lover I ever had, but that would be a bald-faced lie, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are nothing, and I am that lonely obsessed stalker who refused to just settle for your autograph. You like stamp collecting, carving CD's into lethal shurikens with which to... kill people, and finding out a random victim's e-mail address and subscribe it to every advertisement letter you can find, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date — oh wait, I meant to write "hate" of course. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I find another piece of Titanic buried in my backyard. I'd really like us to become that kind of insufferable cinemagoers who've read the plot in advance and sits and yell out spoilers throughout the film to the annoyance of everyone else, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, assuming that "good times" is just another way of saying "total suckage". Take care of yourself and never forget that I have the Infinity Gauntlet and is thus the supreme being of this universe.
~ Your future self. |