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Featured version: 8 December 2006 |
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Dear "Mr. Tiny",
I know this might seem like an unexpected departure to you, seeing as we made all those plans to kill your parents and claim the life insurance money, but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — I think. I just need more sex, and for longer than the 3 minutes and 2 inches you're able to provide... or was it the other way around? Anyway... I want to tell you that I think you are my personal Jiminy Cricket, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are an epic fail, and I am Republican. You like bothering foraging bears, pushing unsuspecting tourists off from very high places and watch them fall, and disturbing annual sci-fi conventions with whistles and cymbals, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on Venus. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever a six-legged rhinoceros flies by. I'd really like us to become partners in crime and steal candy from helpless little kids, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, unless I was just dreaming. Take care of yourself and never forget that each day of your life may be the last as long as I'm around.
~ Jane. |