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Featured version: 8 December 2006 |
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Dear Poster Child for the Criminally Insane,
I know this might seem like I'm into polygamy or something just because I have five wives at the same time, but I'm sorry about this — mostly. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule. I want to tell you that I think you are the true identity of the Zodiac Killer, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are nobody, and I am not. You like forcing naughty school children to read the Necronomicon, masturbating to gardening shows, and igniting your own fart, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date each other's pets. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever someone mentions the words "obesity", "fat" and/or "pig" in my presence. I'd really like us to become road sweepers or something, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, before the psychatrist told me that you were my split personality all along. Take care of yourself and never forget all the people we've killed together.
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