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Featured version: 8 December 2006 |
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Dear Bob,
I know this might seem like a sudden turn of events to you, seeing as we made all those plans to infiltrate the "Amnesty International" organization and shamelessly purloin their charity funds, but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — I think. I just need to engage in homicidal behavior on a massive scale. It can not be corrected but I have no other way to fulfill my needs. I want to tell you that I think you are a virgin, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a pederast, and I am disappointed. You like fondling barnyard animals, juggling chainsaws, and practicing surgery on household pests, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but only if we're re-incarnated into each other's bodies and I get to be "you" next time. Oh yes. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I cut myself before I go to sleep. I'd really like us to become partners in crime and steal candy from helpless little kids, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, pretending we're screwing someone else. Take care of yourself and never forget that everything in this letter was a lie.
~ Your former sister-in-law. |