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Featured version: 8 December 2006 |
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Dear Sperm Donor,
I know this might seem like punch in the jaw to you, seeing as we made all those plans to throw the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom in Mordor, but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain intoxicated. I just need to go to the moon or a gay retared place. I want to tell you that I think you are exceptionally undistinguished, in a boring, non-threatening way, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are one of Evil Bert's sinister henchmen, and I am addicted to raspberry muffins. You like navel lint collecting, recording your own toilet visits and sharing it on file sharing networks as MP3's wrongfully named as famous songs, and writing love letters to Bob Saget, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but in another life — preferably a previous one. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I practice knife stabbing on mannequin dolls. I'd really like us to become people that pretend they never dated, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, before we ended up in Hell together. Take care of yourself and never forget all the people we've killed together.
~ A cast of thousands.
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