Dear Archchancellor,
By the time you read this, I'll be eating your liver with fava beans and a nice chianti.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but uh, well... now what was it again... (God dammit) Oh, yes, I was going to write to you because... because... ummmhhh... (hang on a minute)... I seem to have lost my memory so I'll just improvise a letter with no true meaning from now on, if you don't mind (which you'll probably do).
I know this might seem like an insidious scheme to dominate the universe
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to alphabetize our combined compact disc collections someday, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — but I've been stuck in this nightmare world for months now, and writing this letter is my last chance of a wake up call. I just need need need need need... well; I can't quite remember.
I want to tell you that I think you are like a senile old parrot, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a balloon animal fan,
and I am fucked up for life after 15 years of heavy heroin abuse.
You like sucking off the black guy that mows your lawn, dating circus midgets, and disturbing annual sci-fi conventions with whistles and cymbals,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other species.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I need a good laugh.
I'd really like us to become partners in crime and steal candy from helpless little kids,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, before you decided to become yourself and get to be so much of a stuck-up prig.
Take care of yourself and never forget that everything in this letter was a lie.
Good luck with the police at your door,
~ The collective members of your band.
P.S. That was an Amanita virosa (destroying angel) you ate yesterday, not a button mushroom as I thought. Oops, I guess I'm really bad with mushrooms... D.S.