Dear [insert name of recipient here],
By the time you read this, I'll be in pitched battle with God and all his host of angels.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I know what you're thinking: "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
I know this might seem like a crappy thing to do
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to throw the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom in Mordor, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — really. No, really. Those are teardrops on the letter, and not spittle from laughter. I just need to plot your murder for another week and I'm set to go.
I want to tell you that I think you are not the worst lover I ever had, but that would be a bald-faced lie, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a good-for-nothing crack whore,
and I am stuck in an elevator with Alessandra Ambrosio (OK, the first part is true, the second is just me daydreaming).
You like navel lint collecting, harassing sheep until they explode, and smelling your fingers,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date just as long as you are willing to spend half your life hanging by your pinkie toes, for that's the type of torture I have planned for you..
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever someone mentions the words "ugly", "useless" and/or "stupid" in my presence.
I'd really like us to become permanently estranged,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, at least before we met.
Take care of yourself and never forget that every time you masturbate, Friedrich Nietzsche kills God.
Fuck you,
~ (name is not important as we are all so much more than our names).
Featured Article (read another featured article)
