Dear lovely giraffe of a step-daughter with whom I have had pleasant Banana Peeling.,
By the time you read this, I'll be stranded on a deserted island.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but uh, well... now what was it again... (God dammit) Oh, yes, I was going to write to you because... because... ummmhhh... (hang on a minute)... I seem to have lost my memory so I'll just improvise a letter with no true meaning from now on, if you don't mind (which you'll probably do).
I know this might seem like a sudden turn of events
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to slowly cannibalize each other one bite at a time, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — well, sort of, at least, kind of, maybe, a little... I just need to plot your murder for another week and I'm set to go.
I want to tell you that I think you are ...good at Scrabble, if slightly obsessed with it, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a furry,
and I am an Uncyclopedia in-joke.
You like stamp collecting, contemplating suicide (but always being so damned indecisive), and disturbing annual sci-fi conventions with whistles and cymbals,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date just as long as you are willing to spend half your life hanging by your pinkie toes, for that's the type of torture I have planned for you..
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever my house is in need of some serious cleaning up.
I'd really like us to become people that ignore each other in public,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, nah; I'm just screwing with you.
Take care of yourself and never forget that I know where you live, your name and what you look like, so beware.
Greetings,
~ Your abusive stepfather.
P.S. I poured some arsenic into your food yesterday. Shows what I think of infidelity, you unfaithful wench! D.S.
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