Dear Dalai Lama,
By the time you read this, I'll be vandalizing Wikipedia.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I know what you're thinking: "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
I know this might seem like , well... inevitable, really,
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to enter the Guinness Book of World Records by the becoming the first couple ever to watch "The Cure for Insomnia" without falling asleep, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain high. I just need to put this facade you've been living to an end, before I run out of script material. Ghostwriters cost a fortune.
I want to tell you that I think you are evil incarnate, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are an atheist,
and I am enigmatic.
You like trying to fit inside sewer drains, putting things on springs, and arguing with the voices only you can hear over dinner plans,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on Friday and then try to kill each other through strangulation (or with knives) just for fun.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I completely run out of other, far more important things to think about.
I'd really like us to become people that pretend they never dated,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, my left hand and I.
Take care of yourself and never forget that you are now statistically 50% less likely to ever find a lasting and fulfilling relationship during your lifetime.
Good bye and good riddance!,
~ The big guy, with the axe, in the cupboard, just behind you.
P.S. Do you know what the blue rhino said to the green elephant? If so, write it to me in return, because I don't. D.S.
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