Dear Cthulhu,
By the time you read this, I'll be heading towards Mordor in a suicide attempt to throw the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I don't think I could restrain myself from laughing about what I saw last night.
I know this might seem like I'm into polygamy or something just because I have five wives at the same time, but Elisab... Rebecca... umm, I mean Sarah, you're the only one who truly matters, I swear. Surely our time together must still mean something
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to terrorize the elderly couple that lives down the road, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — but I've been stuck in this nightmare world for months now, and writing this letter is my last chance of a wake up call. I just need to kick you while you're down, before the snooker comes on the telly.
I want to tell you that I think you are perfectly looking, at least according to Neptunian standards, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a pederast,
and I am vastly less intelligent than that.
You like bothering foraging bears, tripping on your own shoelaces on purpose just so you can blame the jews for it, and igniting your own fart,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date just as long as you are willing to spend half your life hanging by your pinkie toes, for that's the type of torture I have planned for you..
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever someone asks me to define the word "ugliness".
I'd really like us to become an African-American comedy duo,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, up until the effect of the morphine wore off.
Take care of yourself and never forget where you leave the keys. Honestly, those things are are a PAIN to find again.
That'll teach you,
~ The collective members of your band.
P.S. Do you know what the blue rhino said to the green elephant? If so, write it to me in return, because I don't. D.S.
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