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Dear John letter
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Dear pointless entity,
By the time you read this, I'll be watching The Uncyclopedia Movie.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with the restraining order and everything, I was scared to use the phone again.
I know this might seem like an odd twist of fate
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to visit your grand-parents to give them a big ol' kiss, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — mostly. I just need more length from you than I'm getting, and let's face it — you're shrinking with age.
I want to tell you that I think you are my repressed masculine side, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are possessed by Pazuzu,
and I am enigmatic.
You like wearing my knickers on your noggin, dating circus midgets, and igniting your own fart,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again someday, but only if you go in for surgery and get you brain replaced. And your nose. Or to keep it simple, ask them to change everything but your name. Or have them change that as well, unless doing so would complicate billing.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I assassinate an infidel.
I'd really like us to become slowly solidified into a kind of buttery jell,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, before we ended up in Hell together.
Take care of yourself and never forget that I have the sniper rifle, and I know how to use it.
Farewell For Ever,
~ The unmentionable one.
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