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Dear John letter
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without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called
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Dear John letter.
Dear Anna, Jessica ... Sarah? ummmm whoever ...,
By the time you read this, I'll be sacrificing myself to the Devil.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but my sadistic urges have become completely uncontrollable, and I don’t think I can see you again without having to torture you.
I know this might seem like a sinister scheme from me to stage an "accident" and claim the life insurance policy on you (which it is)
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to continue grossing out teens and old people with our cherished "skinny dip and snogging" expeditions to the fountain in the public square, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — but another officer is at the door - I'll write more in an hour. I just need a bit of a laugh.
I want to tell you that I think you are going to find out that the anthrax I've contaminated this letter with might be quite unpleasant once it's started to take hold on you, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a furry,
and I am a schoolgirl.
You like bungee jumping from church steeples, playing with your pasta meals until it looks like the Flying Spaghetti Monster before proceeding to eat it, and recommending suicide as the only viable cure for hiccups,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date our own mirror images.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I run around screaming and foaming in my padded cell.
I'd really like us to become a Heathcliff and Catherine-like ghost couple and creep out softhearted onlookers in our restless afterlife,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, up until the effect of the morphine wore off.
Take care of yourself and never forget your true place in life (which is at my feet, groveling in abject obedience).
I hope you get some sick,
~ Your former sister-in-law.
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