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Dear John letter
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Dear Captain Blackbeard,
By the time you read this, I'll be vandalizing Wikipedia.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with the restraining order and everything, I was scared to use the phone again.
I know this might seem like an odd twist of fate
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to enter the Guinness Book of World Records by the becoming the first couple ever to watch "The Cure for Insomnia" without falling asleep, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — well; not really. I just thought it'd sound good. I just need more time alone. No... More time away from you. All of it, really. Yeah. That's what I mean to say.
I want to tell you that I think you are ...more than passable, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a good-for-nothing crack whore,
and I am pregnant.
You like to sabotage ice hockey matches by repeatedly throwing out extra pucks onto the rink, masturbating to gardening shows, and you cannot lie, the other brothers can't deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date people without AIDS.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I need another scullery maid.
I'd really like us to become supervillains and plot to conquer the world together (after which I will kill you as there can only be one true Master),
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, at least when we turned the clock forward a few hours and then pretended that something nice happened during that time (whereas nothing at all happened, really).
Take care of yourself and never forget that I have your son and will kill him unless you transfer five million dollars to my bank account by next Thursday.
Stop by sometime,
~ Sailor Moon.
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