Dear Long John Silver,
By the time you read this, I'll be hitchhiking to Wal-Mart to choose your replacement.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with your breath, a letter seemed the safest option.
I know this might seem like a Wikipedia article
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to grow old, fat and senile together, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain intoxicated. I just need to finish that annoying Zork game on that Uncyclopedia website I told you about yesterday (it's driving me crazy, it's like no matter what you do, you'll ALWAYS end up being eaten by a grue!).
I want to tell you that I think you are really quite adequate, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are so fat that Jupiter orbits around you sometimes,
and I am fucked up for life after 15 years of heavy heroin abuse.
You like projectile vomiting, recording your own toilet visits and sharing it on file sharing networks as MP3's wrongfully named as famous songs, and you cannot lie, the other brothers can't deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date just as long as you are willing to spend half your life hanging by your pinkie toes, for that's the type of torture I have planned for you..
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever a six-legged rhinoceros flies by.
I'd really like us to become born-again strangers,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, but then I woke up and realised that it was just a dream.
Take care of yourself and never forget that each day of your life may be the last as long as I'm around.
Fuck you,
~ Your alternate reality granddaughter.
P.S. That was an Amanita virosa (destroying angel) you ate yesterday, not a button mushroom as I thought. Oops, I guess I'm really bad with mushrooms... D.S.
Featured Article (read another featured article)
