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Dear John letter
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the "questionable parody" of this website called
Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to
Dear John letter.
Dear Bob,
By the time you read this, I'll be eaten alive by Jabba the Hutt.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but to be honest, I'd be more sorry if I were to stay.
I know this might seem like a big surprise
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to grow old, fat and senile together, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — it's just a shame I waited so long to do it, and wasted so much of my valuable time. I just need more space. Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan is sounding pretty nice to me right now.
I want to tell you that I think you are the unidentified person I ran over with my truck at 10:40 P.M. yesterday, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are under surveillance by the CIA,
and I am on drugs.
You like having sex in dumpsters, putting things on springs, and disturbing annual sci-fi conventions with whistles and cymbals,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date each other sometime in the next millennia.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I assassinate an infidel.
I'd really like us to become that kind of insufferable cinemagoers who've read the plot in advance and sits and yell out spoilers throughout the film to the annoyance of everyone else,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, or so we'll pretend.
Take care of yourself and never forget to eat your vegetables.
So where the bloody Hell are you?,
~ That old woman next door.
P.S. You are the one billionth person to read this letter. Click here to receive your prize! D.S.
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