Dear other half,
By the time you read this, I'll be flat on my back, testing the Serta® 10 Year Mattress Spring Guarantee with our mutual friend Gary.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but no, I am not going to stop sending these letters just because the judge and my psychiatrist told me not to.
I know this might seem like a letter of indulgence
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to suck out the souls of those unworthy of a vampiric prowess, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — well, sort of, at least, kind of, maybe, a little... I just need more length from you than I'm getting, and let's face it — you're shrinking with age.
I want to tell you that I think you are not as strong in the Force as the Emperor thought, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are an epic fail,
and I am your father.
You like traveling to other cities and show up uninvited at total strangers birthday parties, contemplating suicide (but always being so damned indecisive), and recommending suicide as the only viable cure for hiccups,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again someday, but only if you go in for surgery and get you brain replaced. And your nose. Or to keep it simple, ask them to change everything but your name. Or have them change that as well, unless doing so would complicate billing.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I'm having another period of severe psychotic breakdown.
I'd really like us to become supervillains and plot to conquer the world together (after which I will kill you as there can only be one true Master),
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, or so we'll pretend.
Take care of yourself and never forget the restraining order the judge issued against you.
That'll teach you,
~ Your sycophantic lodger whom you will never be rid of.
P.S. You forgot your dildo at my place when you visited me last Sunday. D.S.
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