From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
Dear John letter
center
Dear tomorrow's headlines,
By the time you read this, I'll be burnt at stake by the Spanish Inquisition.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I have stolen three nuclear warheads and am planning to commit suicide by detonating them (in midtown New York, just to spice things up).
I know this might seem like a big surprise
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to visit Easter Island and go on an egg hunt, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain high. I just need more sex, and for longer than the 3 minutes and 2 inches you're able to provide... or was it the other way around? Anyway...
I want to tell you that I think you are at least somewhat humanoid looking (which is about the only thing you have in common with mainstream humanity), but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are possessed by Pazuzu,
and I am worried about it.
You like groping fresh produce, recording your own toilet visits and sharing it on file sharing networks as MP3's wrongfully named as famous songs, and disturbing annual sci-fi conventions with whistles and cymbals,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date for the hell of it. It's not like we don't both have herpes.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I'm having another period of severe psychotic breakdown.
I'd really like us to become acquaintances,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, at least when we turned the clock forward a few hours and then pretended that something nice happened during that time (whereas nothing at all happened, really).
Take care of yourself and never forget the hard work of the ten million chained up monkeys with typewriters that wrote this letter.
Beep beep, Richie,
~ Captain Obvious.
|
Featured Article (read another featured article)
