Dear Regan MacNeil,
By the time you read this, I'll be eaten alive by Jabba the Hutt.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but your needs are inherently less important than mine.
I know this might seem like an unexpected departure
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to throw the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom in Mordor, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — but as a bisexual, I'm interested in only two kinds of people — and quite frankly, you don't fit into either category. I just need to kick you while you're down, before the snooker comes on the telly.
I want to tell you that I think you are composed mainly of various carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus, iron, copper, magnesium, sulfur, calcium, potassium, iodine, sodium and silicon compounds (well, duh...), but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are nothing,
and I am an amateur weightlifter.
You like fondling barnyard animals, big butts, and making faces at babies until they cry,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again someday, but only if you go in for surgery and get you brain replaced. And your nose. Or to keep it simple, ask them to change everything but your name. Or have them change that as well, unless doing so would complicate billing.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever someone mentions the words "anorexia", "bulimia" and/or "starvation" in my presence.
I'd really like us to become jaded, cynical and bitter in our own different ways,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, while we were three thousand miles away from each other.
Take care of yourself and never forget that every time you masturbate, Friedrich Nietzsche kills God.
See you in the afterlife, bitch,
~ Cato the Elder.
P.S. Oops, I almost forgot to mention that you have brain cancer. See the X-Ray I attached to this letter.
Featured Article (read another featured article)
