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Dear John letter
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Dear Mulder and Scully,
By the time you read this, I'll be eaten alive by Jabba the Hutt.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but it's not like I'm not going to kill you on Saturday anyway.
I know this might seem like a disappointing turn for the worse
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to infiltrate the "Save the Children" organization and shamelessly purloin their charity funds, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — but as a bisexual, I'm interested in only two kinds of people — and quite frankly, you don't fit into either category. I just need a bit of a laugh.
I want to tell you that I think you are ...more than passable, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a pederast,
and I am on drugs.
You like beating yourself up in front of a mirror, dressing up as yourself during Halloween, and watching animal porn,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date each other's pets.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever the police ask me where I bought the stuff.
I'd really like us to become people that pretend they never dated,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, even if they only lasted a few microseconds.
Take care of yourself and never forget that everything in this letter was a lie.
Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul,
~ Concerned Citizen.
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