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Dear John letter
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Dear Person To Whom It May Concern,
By the time you read this, I'll be aiming at you with a sniper rifle.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with your breath, a letter seemed the safest option.
I know this might seem like a big surprise
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to adopt a child from a third world country for media publicity, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain intoxicated. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.
I want to tell you that I think you are a real pain in the ass, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are an epic fail,
and I am everything you will never be.
You like stomping on turtles after eating mushrooms, insult sword fighting, and belly-button sniffing,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date each other as soon as possible, since the Internet connection on my computer isn't working, and I figured I could browse through your computer during our "date".
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever do sadistic things to your digital duplicate in The Sims 3.
I'd really like us to become partners in crime and rob helpless old ladies of their retirement savings,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, pretending we're screwing someone else.
Take care of yourself and never forget that pushing Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start on your keyboard may be fatal to your health.
Seize the day (since tomorrow will be your last day alive),
~ Princess Peach.
P.S. I just found out that I have AIDS. That probably means you have it too. D.S.
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