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Dear John letter
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Dear John letter.
Dear Big Bertha,
By the time you read this, I'll be the first triple MILLION winner EVER in the NATIONAL LOTTERY! Yay.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but to be honest, I'd be more sorry if I were to stay.
I know this might seem like a bit of a shock
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to enter the Guinness Book of World Records by the becoming the first couple ever to watch "The Cure for Insomnia" without falling asleep, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — mostly. I just need need need need need... well; I can't quite remember.
I want to tell you that I think you are a Cylon imposter, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are one of Evil Bert's sinister henchmen,
and I am the main character in a really crappy pulp horror novel about rabid watermelons.
You like trying to fit inside sewer drains, scratching yourself publicly, and biking against red light at rush hour,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date everyone else in the world, just to find out the answer — or at least I should, you have no hope on that score.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever and wherever. Just joshing you. You suck.
I'd really like us to become road sweepers or something,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, my left hand and I.
Take care of yourself and never forget that I have the sniper rifle, and I know how to use it.
Bye,
~ Captain Oblivious.
P.S. I poured some arsenic into your food yesterday. Shows what I think of infidelity, you unfaithful wench! D.S.
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