Dear Flavour of the Month,
By the time you read this, I'll be transferring the last of our mutual savings to a bank account in Geneva.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I've misplaced my copy of Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" and I had to improvise.
I know this might seem like an episode of Days of Our Lives
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to visit Easter Island and go on an egg hunt, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — but if the writing's a but shakey that's only because of my helpless, loud and hysterical laughter. I just need more time alone. No... More time away from you. All of it, really. Yeah. That's what I mean to say.
I want to tell you that I think you are going to find out that the anthrax I've contaminated this letter with might be quite unpleasant once it's started to take hold on you, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a blathering windbag who needs a nice big cup of shut the fuck up,
and I am not.
You like to sabotage ice hockey matches by repeatedly throwing out extra pucks onto the rink, insult sword fighting, and biking against red light at rush hour,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date just as long as you are willing to spend half your life hanging by your pinkie toes, for that's the type of torture I have planned for you..
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I need to tell my side of the story on Jerry Springer.
I'd really like us to become a Heathcliff and Catherine-like ghost couple and creep out softhearted onlookers in our restless afterlife,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, assuming that "good times" is just another way of saying "total suckage".
Take care of yourself and never forget your true place in life (which is at my feet, groveling in abject obedience).
Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul,
~ Concerned Citizen.
P.S. Do you know what the blue rhino said to the green elephant? If so, write it to me in return, because I don't. D.S.
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