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A band is a criminal organization that extorts bar patrons for cover charges, then plays terrible and loud music no one can talk to their friends over, just to rub salt in the wound. Bands are the leading cause of alcoholism, because they force people to drink on weekdays.

No one ever goes to a bar to see the band, because everyone knows that music has not changed since 1982, and there's a fat chance that any band playing at the local dive bar in front of a bunch of people who are really just there to score crack has anything new to say on the subject of power pop.

Once in a while you will hear bands complain about the "drunken slobs" (people with real jobs who can only go out on Saturday nights, when every bar has a cover) who don't appreciate their music. At the time when this article is being written, there still seems to be a paucity of non-drinking establishments who are capable of staying in business by featuring these kinds of bands.