Uncyclopedia:Horoscopes

Welcome to This Week's Horoscopes, as brought to you by Uncyclopedia! We hope you find these scientifically calculated astrological predictions to be distinctly unhelpful. Every aspect of your life is predetermined by the alignment of the sun, moon, and billions and billions of stars, and we can see all of it. But you only get it one week at a time, because we don't like to help you very much if we can avoid it. Please note we are not responsible for any unnecessary problems, mistakes, freak accidents, sudden relationship turmoil, lightning strikes or other acts of God, mental problems, or edits to this page by unauthorized hacks.

Horoscopes Archives: 1 - 2

Week of June 10, 2013

This Week's Horoscopes

Your birthday this week: Gemini! You were born with a prehensile tail, but your parents never told you about it, you little freak. Your dual nature can lower your chances of passing that drivers test. Believing that Dracula is real will get you far in life. Vocations of Geminis include seal and otter repair, hated business executive, competitive eater, lambaster and prophet.

Famous Geminis include Regis Philbin , Henry VIII, Pol Pot, Curious George, Ricardo Montalban, Simon and Garfunkel, Jay-Z (band), Caesar Augustus, Bilbo Baggins and Lao-Tze.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week is a good time to start that smuggling business you've been thinking about. Use the money you've been squirreling away in lieu of paying taxes.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Cancel any plans for moving to Idaho or being abducted by aliens. Your blood may turn green, in which case, get to a hospital quickly.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Consider a career in badger cobbling. Check on that smell, but be furtive. It may be something dangerous.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your friends are getting tired of your doing the "I am Sparta!" thing. If you must sputter memes publicly, try "Reject Christ! Accept Bacon!"

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your name is not Shake Zula, nor are you the mind fooler. Invest in Retractable Gerbil Systems late Friday morning, sell the following Wednesday by 19:17 EST.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Jihadists think your mom is hot. Try adding margarine to the gas tank to clear up that engine knocking. Avoid scones made with fish this week.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Get in some boating this weekend. Refrain from assaulting your boss with those fucking brass baby shoes on his desk. Your break dancing days are over.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Wear a ski mask this week when you make purchases at small shops. Take up running, especially to and from small shops.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Never mind the popular advice, keep on drinking heavily. It's the only thing that makes you tolerable to others.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - When someone at a sporting event calls you an athletic supporter, they are not complimenting you. If this happens, punch them in the face and accuse them of child rape.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - That noise you've been hearing nights? You will discover the source Thursday. Be prepared to be disgusted and horrified.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Talmudic scholars will dispute your right to exist, some time midweek. Challenge them to shave their beards while reciting Dolly Parton lyrics backwards.

Week of May 27, 2013

This Week's Horoscopes

Your birthday this week: Gemini! You were born with a prehensile tail, but your parents never told you about it, you little freak. Your dual nature can lower your chances of passing that drivers test. Believing that Dracula is real will get you far in life. Vocations of Geminis include seal and otter repair, hated business executive, competitive eater, lambaster and prophet.

Famous Geminis include Regis Philbin , Henry VIII, Pol Pot, Curious George, Ricardo Montalban, Simon and Garfunkel, Jay-Z (band), Caesar Augustus, Bilbo Baggins and Lao-Tze.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Enjoy the cranberry bush-wear until Thursday, when fashion season officially changes from biodegradable solar system themed spandex headgear. Consider wearing a football (American) helmet when drinking hot beverages.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Aliens will attempt to exert control over your mind and put you to work for their nefarious purposes. Consider upgrading your foil hat design to most current stable release.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Monday is the best day to buy a new car or experience satori. Best refrain from killing any insurance agents for the rest of the month.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Don't lend money to food service workers. God's sense of humor has rendered you a monotreme. Expect weird things to happen.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your decades-old syphilis infection will soon collide with your substance abuse problems. You won't be able to tell when you're high any more.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Don't forget to bathe your hyena this week. It's getting a bit ripe. Your idiot brother in law is not the one to ask about rabies.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Love is in the air, but that doesn't give you licence to roofie a coworker. Remember what happened last time you were arrested?

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Insist people call you Randy Butternubs and wear really big bow ties. A cabal of musicians are planning to assault you using autotune and bagpipes.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Avoid electricians named Frank or Nunio this week. Salsa music will give you the runs. There be dragons. Impress your friends by swallowing an umbrella.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Satan has you in his sights. Don't worry about it, there's nothing you can do but go along for the ride. Damnation, like poopies, rolls down hill, so remember that even in Hell, you can delegate.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Those of you Aries that beat your wives, your uppance is coming Friday latest. Some interested third party will attempt to put you into a coma; just for a week, maybe. I'll have a laugh when I read about it in the news.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - There's a family of goblins living in the hallway closet. Leave them alone. See how much beef jerky you can eat in three hours. Stop driving like an idiot.

Week of May 20, 2013

This Week's Horoscopes

Your birthday this week: Gemini! You were born with a prehensile tail, but your parents never told you about it, you little freak. Your dual nature can lower your chances of passing that drivers test. Believing that Dracula is real will get you far in life. Vocations of Geminis include seal and otter repair, hated business executive, competitive eater, lambaster and prophet.

Famous Geminis include Bonnie Tyler, Abe Vigoda, BILLY MAYS, Lance Bass , Oprah Winfrey, Krispy Kreme , James T. Kirk , Mao Zhe Tung , Steven Colbert and Wendy Thomas .

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Treat yourself to a full body waxing on Friday. Your friends love your sammiches, so bring plenty to whatever shitty pot luck you're going to this week.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Special message to sailors under the sign of the crab: the locals don't appreciate you wiping your arse on their buildings. Most of you should increase your usage or start using marijuana and stop bothering the rest of us.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Issac Asimov said, "When I wrote The Marching Morons, I was thinking of Leos." Tuesday is the best day to kill yourself this week, if you finally get your balls up.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Eat lots of beef this week. If you see a hippie, kick him to the ground. What's that smell?

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Thursday or Saturday is the best day to schedule that vasectomy: the rest of the gene pool is counting on you. You may be attacked by ducks.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Don't you ever rinse that thing off? Listening to country music is inducing dementia. Stop it. That fish oil you take, the kind they say is odorless? It's not.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your children will be eaten by bears this week. Money matters are looking up, so console yourself with that. Buy some plastique on Wednesday.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will be offered a role in a slasher movie. That dog you're thinking of getting will bite a politician in three months. Satan considers Capricorns to be his pet project.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Stay away from bodies of water this week, or you may drown. Smedley is a popular name for this sign, and portends athletic ability. Termites are an excellent source of proteins.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Tell your boss you need a mental health day and attend a Ku Klux Klan meeting. You're gaining weight in the hips, but it looks good on you. A relative will call Friday. Tell them to "piss off" and hang up. Don't let them get a word in.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Scrape off your shoes before you come in the house. The angels are on your side this week, if you believe in such shite. This is a good week to start recruiting for that cult you've always wanted.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Learn a language so you can curse at foreigners more effectively. Be careful not to set your nipples on fire. Zulch is the auto works.

The Week after Christmas

New Year’s Resolution Special

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Tell your family about your past. You lost your virginity at age 11. To your local parish priest. You were a small, weak child, but luckily Father Jacob was frail and you overpowered and sodomised him.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Give up drinking. Well, try. Well, try to cut down. Cut down a little bit. Have one less every day. Fuck it then, don’t.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Go back to that gym, position yourself behind the bunnies doing their cardio, and beat it like there’s no tomorrow. Three times a week.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Stop being a bit of a prick. You live in the big city, so you have to be a complete cunt to get anywhere.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Stop seeing that little trollop down the road. Concentrate your romantic energies on your wife and girlfriend.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – Lose weight. I mean it, lose some for fuck’s sake, you fat bastard.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Get your finances under control. The key is prioritising. Spend your wages on paying the bills and the shopping. Steal to pay for drugs.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – Take up an exciting new hobby. How about sky diving? For that extra added buzz, pack your parachute quickly and don’t double check it.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Live every day like it’s your last. Lie in a hospital bed and say goodbye to your bemused family.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Be a better atheist. You try not to go to church every Sunday, but you went twice last year. Be disciplined.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – You’re 41 this year. If you can’t make it as a rock star this year, you won’t ever make it. So go out there and busk!

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Confront your racism and homophobia by having a surprising relationship with a black fella.

Week starting 17th December

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your wife keeps making hints about wanting something black and hard for Christmas. Remember, you can get big bags of charcoal at most DIY stores.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - It's true, all women have needs, especially at this time of year. But that woman has special needs. That's why your plans for Tuesday are wrong.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - A word to the wise: the stockings one hangs up at the fireplace generally have a specific look - wooly and red. Those are fishnets, and they have a rip in them.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - On Wednesday, it might be more sensible to describe your passions as "Ella Fitzgerald, windsurfing and health treatments" rather than "scat, water sports, and facials" like at last year's Christmas dinner.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) -Romantic Venus is in your sign from Monday until after the New Year, so fucking go for it. Don't let domestic ties restrict you, get as much pussy as you can, and tell 'em I told you it's ok.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Renaming Egg Nog, "Egg Niggaz!" is not going to make it more marketable to African Americans. Tell your mother to forget about her Christmas Bavarian market dreams.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - On Thursday, romantic Venus is in tune with Uranus, the planet that brings sudden breakthroughs, and you will enter into a whole world full of wrong.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) -Socializing can be a real drain on your wallet, especially during the festive season. Now is the time to be responsible: more happy children, less happy endings at the massage place. I know, I know, Kim Yi has bills to pay too, but come on.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - He's not the baby Messiah, man. That's not even a star, that's just a CD someone is hanging from their window sill to keep birds away. You're making a lot of noise, dude, you're banging really loudly at the door. Let's just get you home and into bed, hey?

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week finds you in philosophical mood; you wonder why, as a child, you always got so excited at Christmas, whereas now you don't. It's because the only thing that makes you happy is really weird shit now.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - It can be difficult for people of other religions this time of year, so find a Muslim, give him a Christmas present, and ask him if he fancies changing sides.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - I know you're fretting about last minute Christmas shopping, but don't worry, you'll have one less person to buy a present for than you think. I just can't tell you which one.

Week starting 10th December

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Christmas is lubricated with the following epiphany: drinking decaf Coke doesn't feel like drinking real Coke, so decaf Coke and whiskey doesn't feel like a real drink, and you can help yourself to one any time of day.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week you're shocked to hear the Queen receives two parcels full of human excrement every week. Who on earth is sending the other one?

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - For 50 weeks of the year, you can only explain away white marks under your nose as 'shaving cream' or 'toothpaste'. Remember: for the next few weeks, you can claim that that cocaine is really fake snow!

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Mercury gives you all the emotional clarity you need to make a vital decision. And it's delicious and shiny.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your usual Christmas office party hi-jinks - photocopying your backside - are complicated this year by a colleague who is sick of you and a tube of superglue.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - On Wednesday, an atheist friend will sneer, "If God made the sun on the fourth day, how had four days passed?" at which point you shout, "OUR EARTHLY CONCEPT OF DAYS IS BASED AROUND ONE SPECIFIC STAR. THERE ARE MANY STARS IN THE UNIVERSE AND THE DAYS ON OTHER PLANETS ARE BASED ON THEIR ORBITS OF OTHER STARS. DON'T REPLACE ONE HELIOCENTRIC LOAD OF NONSENSE WITH ANOTHER!"

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - After years of hedonism, you've learned that it's what's inside that counts: you have cirrhosis of the liver.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Now is your chance to enjoy yourself! Having no friends or loved ones might be depressing in general, but your entire Christmas shopping can be completed on Tuesday, 5.15-5.30.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You start to worry your husband is getting sexually frustrated when you catch him looking up the skirt of the fairy on top of the tree.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - When you pool ideas with friends, solutions are found and a long-held dream can become a reality. Now, everyone's car keys in a hat, and no one complain if he gets Miriam.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Mercury gives you some intelligent business suggestions this week, but don't thank him, he totally copied them off Venus.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The chore of writing Christmas cards to family and colleagues is livened up by doing it naked and occasionally rubbing the envelopes over your balls.

Week 12/03/12

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Some languages, unlike English, describe the past as being ahead of us because we can see it, while the future, unknown, unseen, is behind us, as we stumble backwards through our lives. You're about to fall arse over tit.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Getting a career project off the ground this week could be harder than you thought. You're not as quick on the trigger as you think, and the cashier isn't as weak as she looks.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Outgoing, optimistic Jupiter is reversing through your chart’s adventurous zone, and you might find you bite off more than you can chew. Linda Lovelace was not made in a day.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Don't jump into anything too ambitious this week. Just carry on being the massive, aimless loser you were the week before.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - When a new young lover asks you to share your wildest fantasy with her, remember what we discussed - your concept of kinky divided by 10.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - "Itchy bum, surprise to come," your mother always used to say. On Thursday, you will find out the surprise. It's not as surprising as it might have been.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Friday night is likely to be especially active, so be careful not to tear your lovely new dress. And those lovely stockings too.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week your ruler, Jupiter, in opposition to the Sun. Don't take sides, just let them fight it out amongst themselves.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - New people you meet now may seem to have a lot to offer, but remember the maxim: not all that glitters is gold. And that white powder looks more like putty|Polyfilla]] than anything else.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - It's important to strengthen your bond with your closest love ones this week - they're your only hope of an alibi.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - With Christmas around the corner, celebrate in your own special way by making your porridge with Bailey's instead of milk.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This is a week to be decisive. If anyone messes with you, just sting them with your big, pointy tail

Week 11/26/12

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - One in twelve people in the world - more than 500m people - share your sign. On Thursday, you will have a job interview.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Be careful not to over-exert yourself at the gym, you know what happened last time with the girls on the cardio machines, the security guard, and the unpleasantness.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You tend not to open up to people until they get to know you well, which is unfortunate because not many people seem to want to start the process.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Today will be really intense, especially the evening, when a social reunion will lead to pleasant, even exciting moments. Wear thick underwear and dark pants.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You will spend the morning in thoughtful mood, going over what happened the night before, but by afternoon you will feel more positive - either everything burned up nicely, or you will accept the natural force of justice.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Nostalgia is a dangerous emotion, especially when an old school friend falls asleep on your sofa. Do what the 14 year-old you did not have the courage to do. And film it.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - The moon in its current phase favors business deals, which is disappointing for you because you are unemployed.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - I know it's weird that your sign is called Cancer, but don't worry, it doesn't mean you will get cancer. But living in the western world does.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The moon is in your sign this week, so your luck is in! Put all your life savings on a horse and wait for the cash to roll in.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your aim for the week is to work on remaining serene, no matter how much the people around you try to rattle your cage. Remember, your wife is visiting on Sunday.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Bad luck arrives this week in the form of a telephone bill which gives your partner too much of an insight into your taste for fat grandma sexlines.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Everyone's life is distinct, so be careful when offering advice to friends who are in very different circumstances to you. Abortion is not for everyone.

Week 11/19/12

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - A development in your love life will occur in the first half of the week, as that girl you have been 'wooing' in the office finally gets an injunction.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Real relief for you as the police announce the Jimmy Savile investigation won't be interviewing any more suspects.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will feel unhappy at work in the next few days. See that? I'm psychic.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Follow your gut instincts. Like that little twinge you feel in your tummy after the Indian on Wednesday night? Run to the bathroom, quick as you can.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week you are especially fertile, so try to get pregnant. Unless you're a man, in which case I don't understand what the stars are saying.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - After losing a general election in a powerful country, people will hold up pictures of you, with the caption, "Out of a job". Point out firstly that being a presidential candidate isn't a job, and that secondly you have lots of money anyway and don't need to work.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - I always get Taurus and Aires mixed up. You're the bull one right? Let's say this week you're going to be really stubborn about something.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your split personality comes in handy this week when you convincingly deny knowing whose knickers they are, and what they are doing in your marital bed.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - On Friday, when the doctor asks you how it got there, just say you sat on it by mistake.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The moon is in your sign this week, so your luck is in! Put all your life savings on a horse and wait for the cash to roll in.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your romantic dinner on Saturday night is spoiled by your girlfriend's unreasonable reaction to your "Baked Bean a la Tin".

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week your scales are more important than ever. Winter is coming so it's time to shed them and grow new ones.

Week 10/15/12

Special! Uncyclopedia Horoscopes election guide!

This week your liberal-biased UnAstrologer tells you how the stars say you must vote in the upcoming election. If you do not happen to be a U.S. citizen, then you will need to find a fraudulent way to vote in this election as the stars dictate. In order to determine these guidelines, three things were considered: one, which candidate fits best with your star sign personality; two, how the planetary alignments on election day are affecting your mood, luck and life needs; and three, assuming that every voter follows these guidelines, how the numbers will add up to ensure an Obama victory.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Libra requires balance in life. So you have to vote for both Obama and Romney. There are ways.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Scorpio, being dark and evil, enjoys torturing animals. Romney gives dogs rides on top of his car. Obama eats them. Vote for Obama.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You are a risk-taker, reckless and stupid. The economy is your plaything. Vote accordingly. Vote Romney.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You are boring as shit. Romney is your man.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You can't vote for Ralph Nader again. Sorry. Hippy freak. Roseanne is running. Did you know that? Not a joke.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Attractiveness rules your star sign. Now, both of these gentlemen are pretty easy on the eyes, if you ask me. The third party candidates are all hideous toads, so... maybe you better just not even vote. But if you must vote, you know you like the Blacks.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You are the difference maker in this election. So vote for Obama.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You have no emotions, so you'd think, vote for Romney. But you are also a stickler for accuracy, so that may be out the window. Use your judgment. Go with Romney, unless a super-computer enters the race between now and the election.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Romney is a Mormon. He doesn't drink coffee, let alone highballs (your usual breakfast fare). Gemini is the twins - both of you should vote for Obama because he parties way harder.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Did you see that debate? No one is crabbier than Obama. Your vote goes to Barack.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Vote for yourself, you narcissistic twat. You won't win of course, but actually winning has never been a factor for your hubris before.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - It is actually possible that Romney is a virgin. All of his unmarried children are. So you vote for the whole lovely, saintly Romney family.

If you do the math, you will find that as long as Aries follows my instructions (and why wouldn't they?), Barack Obama will retain the Presidency. You read it here first.

Week 10/1/12

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - According to Pink Floyd, everything under the sun is in tune. Given that, I'd have to say your singing is... cosmic. Yeah.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week, a null boolean value will be neither true nor false, and that will screw up all of your SQL queries.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Everyone will laugh when you beg them to stop ignoring you, but don't fret; they won't be laughing at you - that asshole Dave will make a really good joke at the same time and they won't have heard you.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - A lot of people think you are great. But as soon as the last person goes home, it will really just be another empty lot.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - The eagle feather you found is a sacred thing, to be beheld with spiritual awe. Tickle your brother's ass with it in great reverence.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - The sacred oils are extra vibrant for you this week. Aaaand that's its own joke.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Be suspicious of a Taurus with one arm named Carl this week. It doesn't matter what his other arm's name is.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Good news - in the great end zone of life this week, you are the lucky Seahawk with one hand on the ball and idiot replacement referees all around you.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your spirit guide will come to you in a dream this week and show you his willy.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You will be attacked by a gigantic vagina this week. Nothing else will go your way, however.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Came the light, a substance to behold - all nature bright and full and lillies fly, two fingers sold - oops! Sorry, my mistake. That's not your horoscope. That's a bad prog rock song lyric I'm working on.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Join me in song, thief.

Week 9/24/12

This week I present a SPECIAL BEST-OF HOROSCOPES PAST edition - definitely not done because I don't have enough jokes for this week. These are the best horoscopes your humble astrologer has written over the years, as voted on by me. But be very careful - these don't apply as your horoscope for this week, so I am not responsible if you mis-apply this advice. Of course I'm never responsible anyway, so... yeah. Enjoy.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You were born to a life of hatred and peaches. This week the peaches run out. from 12/21/09

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The good news is, two girls will be coming over this weekend for some fun. The bad news is they're bringing one cup. from 3/30/09

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - No, you misunderstood. I said "Go forth and conquer" last week. Stop comparing yourself to the first three guys who conked her. from 4/26/10

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Try to balance your need for attention with a clear concept of "acceptably bad" this week. There is a fine line between "fun" and "disgusting" public vomiting. from 3/2/09

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - It's back to core values for you this week: good friends, good family, and not stepping on midgets. from 3/9/09

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - How can you call yourself a Cataphract? You couldn't wield a kontos if Gallienus himself handed it to you personally along with your Lorica squamata. from 11/30/09

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Generally, people love your gregariousness, your overblown sense of entitlement and your six fingers on each hand. But this isn't a good week to flaunt them. Just trust me. from 6/8/09

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, on the road of life, you will discover that the weasel does not, in fact, go "pop". It goes "squish". from 11/30/09

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, brush up on your syllepses and against a hot stranger. from 12/28/09

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your problem is you have been looking for a life partner that shares your values, your interests and your intellect. But finding a retarded Satanist interested in soap manufacture is a tall order. from 12/7/09

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Be extra-sensitive this week to people who are less fortunate than you. Next week you can go back to pointing at them and laughing. from 1/25/10

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - There are very good reasons for the failure of your love life. I think carefully selected words will soften the blow here. Self-absorbed. High-maintenance. Drama-prone. OK, carefully selected hyphenated pairs of words. Reality-challenged. Horse-faced. from 2/22/10

Week 9/17/12

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Everything you do is blessed by the Goddess - which, of course, is such a more reasonable theology than the idea of God.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Let life happen this week. No wait - let's restate that. Beg life to happen this week.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You feel burdened by friendships this week. Now, it isn't necessarily a bad thing to crawl into a hole and nurture yourself with solace for a time, but it might be better to bury your friends in the hole and nurture the flowers with their decaying, burdensome flesh for eternity.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Working your whole life for wealth and fame is only going to leave you disappointed and sad. Of course, so is working your whole life for inner peace and tranquility, so pick your poison I guess.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will be blessed with the ability to communicate with nature this week. Next week you'll be able to afford your prescription, so this little blessing will be over.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Despite your fervent prayers, you will not experience less troubles this week. You will experience fewer troubles. Less milk, fewer bottles of milk. Got it?

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You may think your fantasy football team looks like the best team in the league, but that's only on paper. This week it will experience severe locker room chemistry issues, and you will need to dig deep and come up with some really effective motivation techniques if you want to win.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Uproot your family this week and move to Ketchikan, Alaska. It's a hardscrabble life, yes, but a motherlode awaits you and your intrepid and independent American spirit. Oh, wait. Sorry. This is the Aries horoscope for the week of September 17, 1912. I hope I didn't accidentally give them yours for this week back then...

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Superstition will not serve you well this week - trust your astrologer on this.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Eat the world this week. I wish I meant that metaphorically. I was this close to finally beating Skyrim.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Peace and silence rule your star sign this week. So shut the fuck up.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - I know I usually tell you that the best choice is to follow your heart. But this week, let's just say you won't be able to. As it rides away in the cooler.

Week 9/10/12

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You would like to believe that you do what you do out of a sense of moral and ethical duty. But no one has a moral and ethical duty to eat their own ear wax, so it isn't entirely true.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - At the office this week you will find yourself heading projects, shouldering blame, facing criticism, mouthing obscenities and tonguing bosses.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week you will finally find something you excel at, unfortunately for your sister and her two pet monkeys.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You would do anything for love this week. Except maybe Meat Loaf. But just about anything else.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You can't run away from your problems this week, mostly because they will be angry grizzly bears.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Greet the day with a renewed sense of freedom this week - after you murder Pablo and Jacko and them, that is.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - An old friendship is rekindled this week, bringing long-lost joy and happiness. It's nobody you know, I just thought you might be interested anyway so you could wish them well and all.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - This week you will finally muster up the courage to free yourself from your emotional captivity and finally give me that blow job you promised.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Saturn is in retrograde and Jupiter is in some other dumb pseudo-astronomical nonsensical term. You know what this means - another major bend on love's infinite journey. Oops! No, no. Two juicy Quarter Pounders. That's what it means.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You are the king of all you survey - but if you call with your assinine survey during dinner hour I swear I'll be pissed.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week, there's no more god damn cheese.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - I could tell you what the stars say explicitly, but actually I think Shakespeare said it best when he said "You, my friend, are a gigantic asshole".

Week 9/3/12

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You will look like a moron losing a heated bar argument with that asshole Dave this week, when you incorrectly insist that the dung beetle is not named for an affinity for piles of shit, but that the name has some other origin. Just so you know. Fine, don't look it up beforehand. Insist away. See what happens. Moron.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your boss doesn't want to hear about problems this week, Libra. Your boss wants to hear solutions. And sweet nothings. Sweet nothings would be nice also. But don't forget solutions.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - A friend will be bringing a case of beer over this week, just to hang out and enjoy the afternoon. At some point during the visit, stand up and punch him for no apparent reason. See how he reacts. It'll be hilarious.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You might be thinking you would really enjoy a trip down memory lane, but the residents there might get upset if you take that bag full of penises with you. Why do you even have that anyway?

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You can justify anything this week with one simple principle. The key is picking the right simple principle. Good luck.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your ideal mind-control cult leader this week is a Capricorn. If you happen to find yourself in the market for a new mind-control cult that is.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - The boy who cried wolf is coming over to your house this week to borrow some sugar. I know he just threw it at you and laughed the last two times, but he really really needs the sugar this time.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Know your limitations this week. There is only so much pounding on the locked cellar door that your fists can take.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - With Mercury rising in your fourth house this week, I would normally tell you to let your creative juices flow. But it's been too long since you last cleaned your creative juicer, and it's gone to rot.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Friends of friends can be dangerous to you this week. Friends of friends of friends may not be good either. Kevin Bacon will be just fine.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You will finally stop being the butt of all the office jokes this week. You will start being the ballsack of them.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Tell a lie with enough fact-that-you-are-running-for-vice-president behind it this week, and people just might believe you.

Week 8/27/12

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You alone determine the limits of your own success. Which means there's little hope for any at all.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - I have agonized over your horoscope all week this week. You see, the stars claim that you are poised for a professional triumph or something, but knowing you I simply don't agree, and I don't want to get your hopes up. But I also don't want to offend the stars. So, what to do?

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week you will be kidnapped, bound, gagged, beaten and raped. Aaaaand loving it.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Things are going to get a little out of control soon. It looks like you picked a bad week to stop reading horoscopes.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week I suggest you really prioritize the storage bill. Yes, eviction sucks, but you really don't want those items showing up on truTV's Storage Hunters.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Cleanliness is next to Godliness, yes, but please - for the love of God and all that's decent, don't try to perfect priority one before moving on to priority two.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - All of your wildest dreams will come true this week. Even the one about the one-eyed hatchet-wielding INS agents. And you are running as if through water but they are always right behind you. And you are in the country illegally even though you were born in San Dimas. And your mother is naked. Even that wildest dream.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - This week you will be unceremoniously kicked out of your one-man band. The worst part is the decision will be made in a private meeting and you will be informed via text.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week you will suddenly become aware of the exact day and hour that you will die. Then the warden will ask you what you want for your last meal.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You may feel unusually drawn toward sugary snacks and reality TV shows this week. That's your star sign telling you it's time to just give up trying.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - I am very excited. I have the most incredible, intense, real horoscope for you this week - it will literally change your life forever.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Fear, uncertainty and doubt rule your star sign this week. This calls for another glazed donut.

Week 8/20/12

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Kings and paupers alike admire your courage, bravery, and skill. But seriously, who gives a shit about what paupers think?

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You meet a tall dark stranger this week. Again. But since this one will be a homicidal jerk, your social anxiety will work in your favor this time.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week, bacon will make everything taste better.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your list of great accomplishments will double in size this week, it's true, but only because you decided to go ahead and double-space it. I must say it does look cleaner that way.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - No matter what anybody else thinks or says, you are beautiful in every way. Except maybe looks.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - When they come for the Jews, don't worry about it. You're not a Jew. When they come for the gays, don't bother about that either. You aren't gay. But when they come for the evil robots... Run!

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - I'm sorry to report that you will lose your battle against Cancer this week. But you will win your battles against Scorpio and Aries, so you will end the week with 2 wins and 1 loss. That's not bad.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Kill two birds with one stone this week. Or just shoot them. Either way.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You will receive job offers from a genocidal war profiteer and a pie baker this week. Choose the pie baker's job. It pays a bit less but the great benefits - such as a fund-matched 401k, excellent affordable health and dental care, and not having to murder 9-year-olds in third world countries - more than make up for it. Plus the free pies...

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your experiment this week to try to live your everyday life without ever making use of anything invented by a Canadian will be a rousing success.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, on your metaphorical flight to serenity and wellness, you will be stuck between two fat people. And the attendant will spill the window-seat guy's beer on your laptop. And a baby will be screaming bloody murder the whole way.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This is a bad week to harbor negative feelings about overly specific warnings and sportscaster Bob Costas.

Week 8/13/12

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You may disregard the therapist's claim that it was your overprotective mother that drove you to the creepy underground vampire society, but you can't deny you may have turned out differently if she hadn't made you sleep with her in her coffin every day.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Yes, I told you that if you gave him a chance you would not be disappointed. But you must admit that the word "disappointed" doesn't do your agony justice, so in a way I was right.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week you will once again pretend to understand the white-haired Asian guy on a Discovery channel show about quantum physics, and once again everyone will nod and say "wow" when you non-sensically half-explain the principles you again failed to grasp. Of course, Spock with a beard will inevitably come up, along with a cat that somehow is and is not dead.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - All your young adult life, you've been hearing from sex educators that condoms can break. They reiterate it constantly. And I can assure you it's absolutely true. All you have to do is reach down like you're adjusting things or something right before he's about to climax, and secretly nick it with one of your press-on nails. His thrusting will do the rest. It's bound to happen if you just keep trying.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - No one wants your hideous red couch with the semen stains. Take that Craig's List ad down already.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - I can confidently predict that very soon indeed you will read to the end of this sentence.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are dealing with the realization that someday - and only the Lord knows the day or the time - you will have your last lap dance. You may already have. Scary, isn't it?

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your day of reckoning is approaching. Now, you can handle it however you like, but I'm just saying, on my day of reckoning, I reckon I'll have pizza.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You will have greater success this week if, before you do anything at all, you go fall down a well.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Chance and divine providence combine for a miraculous event in your life this week, sort of the same way money and horoscopes combine for getting the rent paid.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - It is obvious to everyone that your biological clock is ticking loudly, but now you got the hot waiter at the diner wondering if you are actually ordering your eggs "ovaries-y".

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week you will run into a moderate Republican - and you will never stop hugging him.

Week 8/6/12

NOTE: "Your birthday this week" and "Famous <assholes/> born this week" have been discontinued, due to fuck.
NOTE 2: I'm baaaack....

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You may feel befuddled this week by things in your life spiraling out of control. After all, why should this week be any different from every other?

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Remember, as low as you may feel, you are no more unworthy than the next guy. No, no. Not that guy - he's a gem. You couldn't hold a candle to him. I meant the idiot next to him - the one wearing the "I'm with stupid" T-shirt and the tinfoil hat.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You are out of shape, strange, pathetic and arguably insane. But you are also dreadfully ugly, so all of those things are non-issues, really.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - When I said there are dogs that smell better than you, and then you said "Of course. They all do...", you obviously took it the wrong way. I wasn't referring to the sense of smell. Duh.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - The stars point to matrimony in your future. What is difficult to discern at this stage is if there is anything at all you can do to avoid it. I will keep you posted.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Give until it hurts this week - and not "hurts" like when a soccer player falls down after being lightly bumped into. More like when a real football player limps back to the huddle with his ankle bent backwards.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week you may start asking yourself what it's all about. Don't answer - it's a trap.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Back when I was a young man, about your age, I came to realize a few important truths. But they were just for Geminis like me. I got nothing for you. Sorry.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Things may seem out of hand right now, but it isn't true. I mean, look - you don't even have any things. How can they possibly be out of hand?

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Shadows of what's coming will flicker on your wall this week. You know, because it will be backlit by that annoying broken lamp across the street.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - If you are wondering whether to play the stock market or stick your head into a spinning bowl of knives this week, well, that sounds like a classic false dichotomy to me. I mean... you could conceivably vote for Romney.... No? The knife bowl then? All righty.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week you will finally realize that your beloved Tea Party was being duped all along by a pair of sneering rich brothers out to destroy the country for their own personal gain, and then pigs will fly out of my ass.

Week 8/30/10

Your birthday this week: Virgo! Virgos are retreating, blasphemous, neurotic hoseheads with a fondness for projectile vomiting at people they dislike. They are prone to fits of pique and serial animal rape, and are frequently caged for the delight of, and the derision by, the public. Keep hands and feel clear of the mouth when feeding. Some good career choices for a Virgo include Foley artist, Senator, sword maker, banana tallier, cantor, recluse and ferryman.

Famous Virgos born this week include Robert Goulet, L. Ron Hubbard, Ivana Trump, Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, Courtney Love, Ozzy Osbourne, Dennis Moore, Rene Descartes, Sarah Palin and Rick Moranis.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your house is haunted and you smell like pork and Romaine lettuce. This is a good week to goad your father into killing your whole family.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You should have paid the extra ten dollars for stainless steel. Your sub-standard rings are causing a massive nipple infection as you read this.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Prepare for the robot uprising this week. You'll be too busy running soon.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Pay closer attention when ordering gifts on the internet, like teddy bears. Right now your 8 year old niece is opening your present, a teddy. Your brother is so going to kick your ass.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Several people want to kill you. Pack an extra handkerchief this week. There is a good chance your nose will be broken.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - That embarrassing flatulence problem can be controlled by diet. Try shoving a dryer sheet up your ass. Play the lottery on Wednesday.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Avoid the French, polar bears and politics this week. Consider taking up falconry to attract chicks. Metallica is writing a song about you.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your doppleganger robbed a liquor store and killed 6 people last week. Don't be surprised when the police pay you a visit. Do not answer the door with a gun in your hand or on your person.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, avoid being eaten or struck by lightening. You may be hit by a meteorite on Friday. You smell like Irwin Rommel.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will be poisoned on Saturday, either by a coworker or a romantic rival. Stay near a hospital if possible. Get a fun tattoo!

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Do something about that back hair before apes start noticing you. Warming a melon in the microwave, putting a wig on it and drilling a hole does not constitute a date.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The world would be a nicer place without most of you around, mucking things up. Why don't you all just go live on some big, dumb island together and fuck off!

Week 8/9/10

Your birthday this week: Leo! You are the quiet, unassuming wallflower. This overt trait masks a deeper need to draw blood, strangle or circumcise. Some see the forest, others see the trees. You see a vast gray expanse with iridescent shapes of monsters and goblins dancing about, speaking a strange ancient language that you somehow understand, urging you to worship dark forces and evil gods. You are best suited for a position as a moyl, suffragette, barnstormer, astrologer, steel worker, cat detangler or motivational speaker.

Famous Leos born this week include Bjork, Martin Scorcese, Sting, Lassie, Peggy Fleming, Dennis Weaver, Lou Dobbs, Mary Stuart Masterson, Julia Roberts, Grover Cleveland and Seth MacFarland.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - That kid you stabbed three weeks ago will identify you on Wednesday. Traveling Northwest will increase your chances to escape police custody if you leave by 9:55am Monday morning.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Exploit a coworker this week. Count the number of shingles on your roof or how many blood relatives are in the mafia. Smell?

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your neighbors hate you for good reason. Do not be surprised if you get your ass kicked this weekend. Fertilize your lawn and pot plants.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - All that money your parents wasted on your music lessons could have been used to pay the poor bastards who have to listen to you practice today. Start paying for your own drinks.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You might have a good idea this week, but it's doubtful. You're getting screwed on your cell phone plan.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - If you're not drinking your breakfast, you don't need Alcoholics Anonymous. Start sleeping with a knife under your pillow.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Don't worry, sex with vegetables does not count as cheating. Reorder your priorities, starting with your filthy bad habits.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Space Hebrews are communicating with you telepathically. Set your clock back two hours. There are prostitutes in your future.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Life is, in fact, imitating art. You should brush up on Hieronymus Bosch for a glimpse into your future.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Someone will try to kill you on Thursday and Friday. Stay alert. Try smuggling some drugs for cash if you're short this week.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - If you are a secret agent or bank clerk, avoid stuffing olives up your butt. Take up smoking and backpacking for recreation this weekend.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You can be a movie star! Just keep pumping all of your spare cash into acting lessons. Stock up on corn and raccoons.

Week 8/2/10

Your birthday this week: Leo! You are boisterous, petty, mean, addle-pated, ink-stained and preposterous. You lactate under stress and love the smell of your own farts. You are a fundamentalist Zoroastrian, but would also make an excellent Scientologist. Sex with you is an ordeal. Good career choices are bar bouncer, tommy-knocker, sociopath, briefcase or LARPer.

Famous Leos born this week include Conway Twitty, Mary Magdalene, The Plague, Anna Karenina, P. T. Barnum, Sigourney Weaver, Arlen Specter, Jeb Bush, Pink Floyd, Nancy Drew and Lief Erikson.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You don't have to put gravy on everything, you fat shit. This week is a good time to enter a contest or be raped by enraged baboons. Wear vampire teeth to church on Sunday.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - If you find some unlabeled pills, go ahead and take them. Badgers will not gnaw your intestines. Try filing your taxes under the name of a celbutard.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Practice safe sex on Thursday and Saturday. You've been using the word "prehensile" incorrectly; you should feel stupid.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - People think your accent if funny, and are afraid to ask where you are originally from. The Matrix series of films are a prophecy of the life of your grandson.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Pick up a suspicious-looking person at a bar this week, and go home with them. The sex will be incredible.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You're being watched because people think you are a pedophile. Your idea for a sitcom starring Amy Winehouse and Bob Newhart is prehensile; give it up. There is a dragon roosting in your back eaves.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Eat as many eggs as you can this week. You believe you are seeing ghosts, but you are actually insane.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You can try and have sex with a bear, but is it really a good idea? The milk in your refrigerator is spoiled.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Kanye West wants you and not in a good way. Take a bath in nacho cheese on Tuesday. Compliment your boss, brown nose his boss.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your nipples will catch fire. Most Taurii carry the irritating high-voiced midget gene, so bear this in mind if you decide to have children.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Anyone who ever told you that you are smart lied. Settle in for the life of an imbecile. Take up drinking vodka.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Travel to funny-smelling countries is a bad idea this week. Pee onto an electric fence, just for the sensation of it.

Week 7/26/10

Your birthday this week: Leo! You are a legend in your own mind. Left to your own devices, you should rise quickly to your unique level of incompetence. Typical career choices are auto re-possessor, corporate CEO, proctologist, bounty hunter, cryptozoologist and lecherous old man. People pretend to like you out of fear. You have no conscience. Those of you who didn't make the final cut are disgruntled employees or welfare frauds.

Famous Leos include Moses, Rudyard Kipling, Shaka Zulu, Lyndon Johnson, Chuang Tzu, Bill Gates, Random, Marco Polo, Oscar Wilde, Internet Memes and Nero.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Spend 33% of your next months income on lottery tickets Tuesday. If your children don't hate you now, be assured they some day will. Avoid woodland jaunts; bears have your number this week.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - People are getting tired of your incessant whining. Try coming your hair, just for a change. You may see a greased-up deaf guy on television.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Be careful at the beach. For some reason, you smell really good to great white sharks and sea gulls. You are under close observation by space aliens.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You may be sued this week. Save time, aggravation and money and go someplace from which you can't be extradited. You are smarter than the average bear.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Pretend you're a secret agent while grocery shopping. Avoid having scorpions in your pants and/or bra. Stop locking your car doors.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Be careful if camping is in your plans this week; some one will piss in your canteen. Start eating lots of dough nuts. A relative wants to kick you in the nuts.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Avoid "your mom" competitions, or you'll end up in the hospital. Emulate a Welsh accent at work, and a Danish accent at home. See what you can do about that nervous tic you've got.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Practice not being a dick in front of a mirror. You will have a religious experience this week, followed by a mile hemorrhoid flare-up. If you get pulled over by police, claim that you are possessed by demons.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Coyotes will eat your legs. Tell you're children that the Tooth Fairy is a Hells Angel, and will come to kick their asses if they put a tooth under their pillows. Tell your spouse it's a cost-cutting measure.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Those bongo drums most certainly do not make you seem cool. Take revenge on somebody by filling their car up with lizards. Consider staying indoors for the rest of your life.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You may be a werewolf. Avoid Chinese food, reality TV shows and quantum entanglement this week. For the love of all that is holy, will you clean that damned cat box?!

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Start sleeping with a gun under your pillow. Take a goat into church with you. Try writing an UnNews article..

Week 7/19/10

Your birthday this week: Cancer! You are popular with oiled-up white supremacists and teenagers drawn to vampirism . The latter is only a problem if you are also a sexual predator. Common careers for Cancers are helicopter pilot, translator, ontologist, inventor, square dance caller and scapegoat. You can be sneaky, arrogant and willful, but at the same time, tender. This confuses all the people you date.

Famous Cancers include Bruce Willis, Gary Coleman, Prince, Marilyn Monroe, Idiocrates, Confucius, The Muppets, Eva Braun, Salvidor Dali, Lizzy Borden and The Flying Nun.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Just because that nutjob lady told you that you're a cat whisperer doesn't mean you have any kind of gift or something. Stop watching all of those reality shows about ghost hunting, you're losing your grip.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your contractor is raping you for the new addition. Friday will be a good day to exact revenge. Drink two extra beers a day for the next 6 months.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - If you think you're so tough, get an anus tattoo. Warm up the shredder, you going to have a tax audit. Spend an odd hour at the tanning booths.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Hang out at track and field events, wearing a disguise and chain smoking cigarettes. Try something bizarre on your pizza this week, like muskrat and pine nuts.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Rinse, lather, repeat. A grizzly bear is following you. Find a connection and start using steroids to bulk up.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your dick is out. Don't worry so much about the length, you're average. No, those poisonous millipedes won't get you high.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Nervous about that big interview this week? Smoke a joint in the car, just before you go in. Your obsession for "Doctor Who" borders on the manic; get a life.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are a marsupial. Really! Check your belly. Ladies, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Those people who tell you how cool you are, they're fucking with you. You should track them and kill them, slowly.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Classified documents will arrive in your mail this week. Turn them over to the government and make some new friends. It's a bad idea to inject hairspray into your spine.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Roll that old piece of dreck MGB-GT over a cliff and collect the insurance money. Give up your dreams of doing a self-autopsy. Try some meth this weekend and see if you get addicted.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - John Oliver from The Daily Show wants to interview you. You must be some kind of incredible fucktard.

Week 7/12/10

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Most of you are Chinese or Albanian. You've got dreadful table manners, loose bowels and like to watch "Family Guy". Most of your friends are invisible. You've got sexual conflicts concerning string cheese. There too much cadmium in your diet.

Famous Cancers include Richard Nixon, Ghandi, H. P. Lovecraft, Budweiser, Malcolm X, Ellen Degeneres, Metallica, Stephen Colbert, Queen Elizabeth, Snoopy and St. Augustine.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Problems this week will test your masculinity, especially if you're a woman. Go out and buy an extra spatula. You annoy people because you're tone deaf and color blind.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Try a career in multi-level marketing. Dervishes will annoy you on Friday. No, you can't get high smoking nutmeg.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Don't get pregnant this week, or your child will have a horrible genetic disease. Use your frequent flyer miles to track and kill an old enemy.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - God does not love you. Try doing something without relying on prayers to a sky god. People are talking about your jowls.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You will be arrested Tuesday. Charges will be dropped when the court realizes how stupid you are. There is a 34% chance you are Dutch.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Consider volcano insurance. Uncyclopedia is too good for you; try ED or Wikipedia. Mixed martial arts will get you killed.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - If your birthday is this week, you are a manipulative sociopath who looks like Lou Diamond Phillips. Those lights are swamp gas.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are being stalked by athiests. Put your money where your mouth is. Your cat is pregnant.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - There's something rotten in Denmark. Rabid alpacas will try to rape you. Somebody charged a "glistening brown slave-boy" to your credit card.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - There are demons in your gall bladder. Become a Muslim for the week, and see how you like it. It's so hot, my brother-in-law, "stayed inside to soak his balls".

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - That smell in your attic had best be ignored. Cancel your sex vacation; the Thai police have your picture and are looking for you.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Go to a Taco Bell restaraunt and pretend to have a seizure. Those things you thought were hallucinations are real. Some of them can kill you.

Week 7/5/10

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Like the disease your sign is named for, everybody hates you, except for cold, clinical sciency types who want to dissect you and learn your secrets so that you may be killed... and serial killers. Owls find you an irresistible target for their poop. You should have a pet to love you, they don't judge unless abused. You're cheap, self-important, dim, obnoxious and probably are addicted to drugs.

Famous Cancers include Mickey Mouse, Larry Craig, Joan of Arc, Theodore Roosevelt, Ghengis Khan, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Herpes, Lao Tzu, Lizzie Borden, Apples and Elijah Wood.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Americans, celebrate your patriotism with a milkshake enema. Others, show your disdain for Americans by grabbing your ankles in a very public place and shouting, "Come get me, ass pirates of the Carribean!"

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You should really wash your hands after masturbating. Your flatulence is really more noticeable than you believe.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Cheerleaders with gut knives are stalking you. Avoid whitewater rafting and hijackers this week. Make a deal with a genie.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Don't kill any trespassing gnus, or you will have 2 years 2 months 8 days of bad luck. You look nothing like Roger Daltrey

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Wave a gun at a calling solicitor and see if they call the police. Try washing your hair with deer placentas. Your name is unpronouncable in Tibet.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Cover yourself in honey and meal worms; it's the new black. Insert section 4 ramshackle into lowrey joint B. Marry an emo this week.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Disco is coming back, so grow some hair on your head. Your aspirations of becoming a big-time corporate CEO are a tad unrealistic. Stick to pumping gas, or whatever it is you kids are doing these days.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Try giving yourself a swirly, just to see how it feels. A run for local office will go swimmingly this week. Your grammar sucks.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Nikolas Sarkozy wants to boink you, if you're a man. Get that itch checked. The people at work think you're speaking in tongues; get a speech therapist.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You look best in sweat pants. This week is a good time to torture small animals and read Shakespeare.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Beware cannibals this week. Get rid of the meth you've been hiding in the bathroom of you'll be busted this week.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Give it up, no college would have you, even DeVry. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. Write an Uncyclopedia article, you feel better.

Week 6/28/10

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Your sign is the Master Race of astrology. Cancers have very high opinions of themselves, and tend to be bitter, vengeful, spiteful, and rude. Loosen them up with a little liquor, though, and let the good times roll. These people tend to seek out powerful positions that allow them to do evil unnoticed. Common professions are janitor, Field Marshall of the Nazi Air Force, pressman, televangelist, and police officer.

Famous Cancers include Mitt Romney, Saddam Hussein, Nikolas Sarkozy, Arnold Palmer, Hannah Montana, Mae West, Lassie, Jesus Christ, Dick Cheney, Blues and Evelyn Waugh.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Politics and midgets packing guns should be avoided this week. Your syphilis is developing nicely; you'll be drooling and and trying to eat the phone book in eight years.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - For the sake of the way your face works, stop being such a dick. You're not smart enough to be a stripper. Glue a sea sponge to your forehead and call yourself Darla.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Avoid exploding gas mains and pirates this week. No, your friends don't think listening to jazz is cool. Someone in your family isn't a virgin anymore.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Watch out for storks, they're apt to fly up your ass. You will blow your nose off with fireworks. On the positive side, you'll be rid of that perennial sinus problem.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Eat lots of lobster, your mercury levels are low. Wait until your trip to Europe to copulate with goats; they're so sticky about that in the States. You look better when people have been drinking.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Repackage yourself as a supermodel with several eating disorders, and try to get onto a reality show. Lots of cocaine would help. Your hat is silly looking.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You're too nice to people. Hang out with some Leos and learn to be a dick. Your Hebrew is atrocious.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Start work on that novel you've been thinking about, and waste your time in ways other than reading Uncyclopedia articles. Inhale as much butane as you can this week.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Stop trying to eat withchopsticks, you're embarrassing yourself. Take all of your old socks and burn them in a graveyard. Look for opportunities this week to rudely inject yourself into conversations.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - The Ghost Busters are for real. Bring macaroni and cheese sushi to the pot luck dinner. People don't like eating with you because you make disgusting noises.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Change your name to something Arabic, if it isn't already, and take as many international flights as you can this week. Japanese people hate you. Lift something too heavy.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You're DNA is mutating. Try sneaking into a brothel and substituting lubes with Icy-Hot balm. You don't watch enough television.

Week 6/21/10

Your birthday this week: Cancer! In the old days, people would call you crabby. In the modern world of political correctness, you are called a dick. You're always in a bad mood, and nobody really likes you. If you've stumbled into a position of power by some miracle, you have no friends among the sycophants that rely on you for their positions. If you're not paranoid, you ought to be. Content yourself to live a life of irredeemable dickness, an insignificant, irritating little placeholder in human history. YOU LOVE FUCKING COLORING!

FUCK I LOVE COLORING!

Some famous Cancers are Joseph Goebbels, Joe Walsh, Ho Chi Minh, Henry David Thoreau, Robert Mugabe, Colonel Sanders, Yasser Arafat, Icarus, Cher, Monty Burns and Yuki Nagato.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Give your fellow employees a break and call in sick for the week. Slovenly is not a compliment; take the hint. Badgers and Frenchmen will attack you on Thursday. Prepare by carrying a taser and brass knuckles.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your spouse may be poisoning you. Avoid wobbly chairs and subways this week. There are some places where humans aren't supposed to have hair. Spend some time gazing at the full moon.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Careful when reaching into your mailbox this week. Pretend you are descended from royalty. Business will be slow, enjoy some porn.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Stay away from large angry dogs. An old friend will drop by and ask to borrow a significant sum. If you experience stroke symptoms, don't worry. It's actually a religious experience. Go with it.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - That smell is you. Do not tip your waiters this week. Act like you have millipedes in your pants at work. You can put off fixing the brakes on your car another week.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Push "press" to pull. People will find you sexy if you dress like a mime. See how many prunes you can eat in one hour.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Leisure suits are now out of fashion. If you meet a Finnish person, be evasive. If you are Finnish, bury some cassette tapes in the nearest churchyard to your home.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your cooking is awful, and potentially dangerous. Give it up and order some take out. Cultivate an appetite for Britcoms and people will think you're snooty. If you are a drug dealer or pimp, start running now.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Collect weekly urine samples for fun. You can neuter your dog for the price of a pair of pliers, but it won't be pretty. Avoid caviar and recluse spiders this week.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Plastic surgery will not fix your real problem. You've got 22 cats, for the love of Jesus! Your appendix will burst. Hang out in hospital waiting rooms this week.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Check your mail at odd hours, when nobody is looking. Try taking a wallet making class or pushing a friend over a cliff. There are tusks growing out of your face.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Sabotage a neighbors car. Do not buy a Renault or weasel this week. Your dark side is actually your good side. Feeling blue on Sunday? Go to Church and fart a lot.

Week 6/14/10

Your birthday this week: Gemini! Small dogs are irresistibly drawn to humping your leg. You are very good with your hands, and probably enjoy beekeeping, being a hillbilly, rocket engines, and serial killing. Your charisma combined with some diction lessons would make you a great cult leader. Sometimes you get strange ideas.

Famous Geminis in history include Ayn Rand', Dr. Rockzo, Utnapishtim, Mustaches, ', Iggy Pop, Guy Fawkes, Rumi, Liberace, the Universe and Richard Simmons.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your normally boisterous personality will undergo a change during an acid flashback this week; keep your calendar open. The imaginary voices of you Gemini schizophrenics are talking behind your backs this week; do not trust them.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Pricks like you get away with everything. Well, not this week. You'll get yours, buddy. You just wait and see.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - When spelled sideways, your name is a palindrome. Go ahead and sell that guitar on E-bay; you'll never sound better than a retarded Bob Dylan impersonator with warts on his fingertips. Avoid establishments called Uncle Touchies Magic Funtime Basement.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - We've all had about enough of your whining. Now, suck it up and clean that cat box, as you are contractually obligated to. This week you will discover that you are a deep-cover sleeper-agent of the Illuminati.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Closeted gay Republicans are watching you. Did you know you can recycle your old fnords? Think about vacationing in Ohio this year.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Everything you know is wrong. Your liver is pretty much shot; why quit drinking now? There's no such thing as sober fun.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - As morons go, you're not the dimmest. Use this to your advantage and get into a management position. This is a good week for you to apply for welfare.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your hemorrhoids will act up. And by "act up", I mean you have never tasted exquisite pain yet. Your screams will be legendary.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - That chick was joking when she said you had a nice ass. It's more like a couple of rubbery eggs nailed to a telephone pole.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You're doing just fine self-medicating. Don't listen to those naysayers, trying to get you into a psychologists office. Those people want you to fail.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - The Devil has a hold of you. Get an exorcism before you hurt anybody. Someone will sign a restraining order against you.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your spelling is atrocious. We hope you use a spell-checker before submitting to Uncyclopedia. This week, take up drinking again.

Week 6/7/10

Your birthday this week: Gemini! Your solitary nature makes you an insufferable bitch and/or bastard. Check any coffee you didn't make yourself for pee. Geminis crave adoration, and will do petty much anything to get it.. You are well suited to such occupations as Emergency Medical Technician, condom tester, vice president of corporate douche-baggery, Classics professor, and situation reenactor. Your favorite band is The B-52s.

Famous Geminis in history include Joe Walsh, Nancy Reagan, Sun Tzu, Nero, John Wayne, Charles Manson, Lenin, Moses, the Beatles, Vlad the Impaler and Godzilla.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Hiding from your problems is your best strategy for this week. Drink, drug, screw, or whatever your way to oblivion, and damn the consequences. Don't forget to use a condom.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Think about public transportation; you drive like an asshole. Do not play networked games during a thunderstorm. Avoid universities and dry cleaners, or you may be kicked in the crotch.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - If you die this week, you'll be murdered in your sleep. Wildlife will stalk you, and possibly injure you. Don't buy any hard candy, bleach, .32 caliber pistols, water skis, organs for transplant, or sex until after July 4.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Save your plans to desecrate a church, synagogue, mosque or other religious building with your bodily fluids until Friday. No, you can't get feline AIDS from your chihuahua that humps all the neighborhood cats.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - That mustache will not make you popular, whether you're male or female. Strange, horrible sewer creatures are plotting to eat your children.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Stupidity and clumsiness will hinder your efforts to become a secret agent. There is no cow tipping in Heaven. If you have "casual Fridays" at your office, bring the corpse of your mortal enemy to work.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Try to act like you don't know aliens implanted a tracking device in your appendix. People think your family is weird. Sagittarius astrologers are wrong 67% of the time.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Black helicopters are surveilling you, but you can't see or hear them. Elvis Presley would have hated you, if he met you. Stop wiping your nose on the couch.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - A dark family secret will be revealed. Robots are living in the basement, so take precautions.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your guardian angel is vacationing in the Azores. Stay home, drink and watch cartoons. Dirk Benedict wants to make a movie about your life.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Sure, you can talk to animals, but you're still crazy. Resist urges to pummel the Jehovah's Witnesses at the door.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - The hallucinations will be scary and frequent this week. Reschedule your drivers test. Dead people see you. Take up poetry or skeet shooting.