Uncyclopedia:Horoscopes/Archive1

Week of 3/9/09

Your birthday this week: Pisces! Pisces are fun-loving, outgoing wimps. By now the stars are getting really tired of Pisces, so tread the year lightly. Hide behind buildings everywhere you go, and for the love of god, don't look at the fish! Due to your highly susceptible nature and the power of astrological suggestion, your left knee will often hurt. This is just Pisces' way of telling you you are hated and should just up and die. Whereas, given your pathetic life, upping and dying is advisable, if you should choose not to, just remember that Pisces is not completely incapable of doing the job itself. So, first and foremost, steer clear of the sushi. Fugu is right out.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - Unlike everyone else, put your pants on both legs at the same time this week. This will make you extraordinary, rising above the level of the common man.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - The solution to your current moral dilemma is online. Simply Google "Chimpanzee facts" with your own name (in quotes!) and scroll down half-way.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Democracy is a joke, but context is everything. This is why your coworkers don't laugh when you poke your head into their cubicles and say "Democracy!" Trust us, they just think you are nuts.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - The woman of your dreams will sit down on the park bench across the street from you. You will notice her, but you will hesitate, gathering your courage. You will then start slowly across the street towards her. She will look up just in time to see you get hit by a bus. What did you expect? A clever joke? OK, how about this: you will then be sent to Hell with Alanis Morrisette for telling St. Peter how "ironic" it was. It isn't fucking ironic. Shit.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - An old flame from your past shows up this week to repay a long-standing indebtedness to you that you don't expect. Oh, shit... Well, I guess now you do expect it, because we told you about it. OK, when he comes over, just pretend it's a surprise.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - Everyone said you were crazy when you bought that Yeti trap from that bogus online ad. This week you will see how right they were when it malfunctions at the wrong time. Run.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your lucky quantum interpretations this week are the participatory anthropic principle, whereby your invovlement in the interpretation itself causes the wavefunction collapse, and the ensemble interpretation, whereby the wavefunction simply does not apply specifically to an individual system, such as a particle, but only when applied abstractly to an ensemble of individual parts. Use these interpretations interchangeably this week for your ideal results.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - With Saturn approaching your house this week, use Wikipedia sparingly. You know what? Use it sparingly anyway, regardless of wherever the fuck Saturn happens to be. It's a garbage dump as information sources go.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The joke will be on you this week when you finally make good on your threat to rearrange your neighbor's face. He will have just come from bad plastic surgery and all you will accomplish is a much-needed reversal.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Dive into your next project with both feet, guns blazing. Unless your next project is tranporting a pool of hot magma on an airplane.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your lucky religious icons this week are Joan of Arc and St. Poopy-pants.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - It's back to core values for you this week: good friends, good family, and not stepping on midgets.

Week of 3/2/09

Your birthday this week: Pisces! Pisces are fun-loving, outgoing, whiney little bitches. You are set smack-dab in the middle of the Pisces cycle, and the moon is nowhere near your house right now. You know what this means, right? That's right! Get ready, because a major change is coming to your love life! Your ideal divorce attorney is a Sagittarius, so start looking. Oh, we know you've always loved your family, calling it the best part of your life, but trust us. Have the stars ever steered you wrong? Get out now. Be sure to only threaten your spouse with bodily harm, and blame the whole thing on the kids. Then get out there and fuck everything that moves. You deserve it! Quite a year is in store for you!

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - "Making the beast with two backs" becomes horrifyingly literal for you and your wife this week, when your twins are born conjoined at the skull.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Choose this week whom you will serve: the Devil or the talking rocks in your goldfish bowl.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your perfect mate this week is a Scorpio. His name is Dave. David Anthony Prouse. He lives at 1010 E. Marquette near the Taco Bell. Go and leave him stacks of menacing stalker letters until he agrees to marry you. Next week, a Gemini in the fashion district will be your target, so prepare accordingly.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Crying about your impoverished condition doesn't do anything at all to improve it this week. Sort of the same way writing a hilarious article on your favorite satirical fake encyclopedia web site didn't last week.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - While searching for a reason, any reason at all, not to kill yourself online before an ogling, sensationalism-mongering global audience, you will find those nice grey socks you've been missing since December.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - This week you will finally understand the difference between "laid" and "humiliated". You will not like it.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This is the week for you to start tearing off your own toes by hand, rubbing them vigorously in a pile of donkey shit and eating them raw. If you already started doing this last week, then I don't know what to tell you.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Be careful when reading this horoscope - it is a load of paranormal horseshit, and you, being a gullible Libra, are naturally susceptible to paranormal horseshit.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - If you feel like Jesus hates you this week, it's OK. Make no mistake, he does. But the stars love you, and the stars can kick Jesus's ass.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - In the great cosmic struggle between you pour-soi and the unbearable rigmarole of a life of abject inadequacy and insecurity that vexes your existential anxiety, the stars are betting on the rigmarole. Don't blame us, we're just telling it like it is.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Try to balance your need for attention with a clear concept of "acceptably bad" this week. There is a fine line between "fun" and "disgusting" public vomiting.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - If you get a chance, rape your boss this week.

Week of 2/23/09

Your birthday this week: Pisces! Pisces are fun-loving, outgoing and as dumb as paint. This is your year, Pisces girl - the fish are rising! Remember, you are affected by the influence of Aquarius, so be careful with lesbian affairs, they may not be as hot as your boyfriend claims. Other than that, anything goes! Take out that Sea-do, break out the old Karaoke box you forgot that you bought at Target three years ago, get baptized, or try meth finally! Remember: the fish and the water-bearer will protect you from almost all harm, so take unnecessary risks! Have fun, keeping in mind that gutters can be made relatively comfortable if you plan ahead.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - You are at that stage in your life where you need to reconsider your life's goals. There is absolutely no logical way you can ever turn into a beautiful butterfly and fly away. In fact, let's not kid ourselves, you won't ever be beautiful - period.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You're in for quite a cheerful week as all your past wishes come true before your very eyes. Even the one about your mom dropping dead. It was going to happen sooner or later, anyway.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You know that feeling you get when even thinking about a particular person sends waves of loathing throughout your entire body? I'm feeling that right now writing this horoscope for you.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Lots of money, lots of fame, lots of sex. No, I'm not biased just because I'm a Gemini myself...
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - All these years, it was probably obvious to you that everyone had been beating around the bush about your condition, but was too afraid to bring it up with you. Let's just get it over with. You, a Cancerian, do positively have cancer. Ho ho ho, how ironic, and what a terrible pun. I know.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - It's a crazy world we live in, and it's hard to even keep ourselves sane in such a place. That's why you should beam yourself up with those aliens from Neptune and make your new home amongst those peaceful critters after pleading your sanctuary with the King of the Potatoes. Now, don't forget the salt.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Slow and steady wins the race. Except when you're in an actual race. You usually have to be fast, then.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Don't worry, be happy. Except when your entire family has just been murdered in front of your very eyes, and you're next. You can be sad, then.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you. Except when I say that you suck. You're bawling, now!
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your lucky coffee shops are Starbucks, Starbucks and that new one down the street... Starbucks.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will be pleased to find that you are finally getting the attention you deserve as Mars moves into your first house and you are no longer on the bottom of this list of horoscopes.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Nothing interesting happens to you.

Week of 2/16/09

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Aquarius is the water-bearer, but that does not mean there isn't relief in store for you when the Supreme Court outlaws the torture you have been bearing this past week.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - Be on your guard! You are especially susceptible this week to empty compliments. On the plus side, those purple Crocs do look pretty good on you.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Someone else is poised to beat you to your brilliant idea for lasting peace in the Middle East and steal your Nobel prize and the fame and glory that goes along with it, but since they are also Aries, an unresolvable circular logical conundrum will result. No one will beat anyone to the idea, and the fighting and hatred will go on as usual.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Do not go gentle into that good night. She's on the roof. How else do we need to break it to you?

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will have greatness thrust upon you this week. Unfortunately, "greatness" is the name of the safe that will be falling from the twelve-story building you walk past.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Don't listen to those doctors - you are not crazy. Feral cats are all plotting against you this week. Kill them all.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - The Mayan calendar indicates that the world will end in 2012. Your biological clock tells you otherwise, however. Needles poked through the condom wrapper is your last best hope, given your relationship history. Hurry.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Be sure to bring your camera when you go on that excursion to the Cascades. Your "true love waits" stance will get challenged this week when you encounter the elusive Sasquatch.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This is the right week to finally tell your spouse that you are not gay. Plus, this is the week they finally stop calling you a conspiracy-theorist nut-job. Can you say "vindication"?

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Getting angry is OK. It's the fact that you always act out on your anger with a murderous rampage through suburban housing tracts that makes you great.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Be careful who you tell this week about your fetish for old men that like Hello Kitty.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - They say comedy is not pretty, and this works in your favor this week. What we're saying, essentially, you ugly fuck, is go ahead and laugh it up. No one will want you this week, either.

Week of 2/9/09

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Expect to take a blow to your ego this week when your id blindsides it with an empty gin bottle to the head. The fight will continue down the weeded over back alleys of your primal subconscious while your id drunkenly repeats "What, what? You think you're better then me? You're not so tough." The fight will finally stop when your superego screams out his window that he's going to call the cops.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - This week you'll find a hundred little things calling for your attention. These things will have filthy brown bodies and up to a dozen tiny, spindly legs. Their voices will sound hauntingly human yet soulless and unceasing. Let's not forget those eyes, those beady evil eyes! What the fuck are those things? Where did they come from?

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Remember, whether you're at home, in school or just out and about, whatever you do, never give a gypsy calcium.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You will find love in the most unlikely of places: alternate dimension 2345-X, a 5 dimensional universe of infinite chaos where galaxies a born and collapse within the span of a human breath, ageless god-beings torture their reality with a logic too horrible for the mind to comprehend and the laws of physics themselves will twist and reshape in fractal patterns that wash over the breadth of existence. Remember to be yourself, stay confident and act friendly to that soon-to-be special someone.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Remember, money may not buy happiness but it can buy the illusion of happiness inciting envy in those around you. That's almost as good as happiness.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - If a friend starts to look at you funny, think back to what you just said or did. It could be that what you meant as a joke came out as an insult. It's too easy to give offense today, so try to backtrack quickly! It could also be that what you meant to be a firm handshake came out as oral sex with your friend's wife or husband. It's too easy to give head today, so try to play it all off as a whacky joke. If that doesn't work, invite your friend in for a three-way. You never know, it might work.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You'll be damned if that isn't the best honey you've ever tasted, but why you're head is covered in it and how you got buried up to your neck near a nest of red ants will be the questions that will occupy your mind.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You'll have the perfect opportunity for revenge this week. Don't waste this opportunity; make sure you have someone with which you desire to take revenge on. If possible, have them murder your family or lover. Another option is to find a dying person and promise to avenge them. You could also drive on the highway for a while and wait for the first person that cuts you off. Any of these is fine really.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You will be irresistibly drawn toward Pocatello, Idaho this week. Since roughly 500,000,000 people on the planet were born between September 22nd and October 23rd they will also be irresistibly drawn toward Pocatello, Idaho too. Remember to pack a sleeping bag, clean water and food because Pocatello can't handle that many people. Everyone else: get the fuck out of Pocatello Idaho as fast as you can!

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The stars say this is not the time to find yourself or express your innermost desires. Instead, embrace ant-like conformity, stifle dissenting thought and dogmatically adhere to the social norm.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Avoid tall buildings, catwalks, bridges, telephone poles, crumbling cornices, potted plants overhead, chandeliers overhead, vaults overhead, the tops of cliffs, the bottoms of cliffs, high curbs, spiral staircases, elevators, escalators, regular staircases, ladders. Actually just avoid gravity altogether. Yeah... if you can spend the week in a gravity free environment, it might be best for everybody.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Haw-Haw-Haw! What kind of stupid zodiac sign is that? It's like some kind of goat fish thing. Did Aries fuck Pisces when the rest of the zodiac wasn't looking Haw-Haw-Haw. Capricorn? More like CapriFAG!

Week of 2/2/09

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You will get mauled by a bear. But don't worry, you'll survive and be able to tell your tale on The Today Show.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - Hospitality and an open heart is key as you may find a twelfth of the world's population may come to you requiring stitches.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Did anyone say a freak accident was any excuse not repay the loan? No! Don't hold back on cutting off their favorite horse's head as a warning; you deserve more.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Be on the lookout for any shady characters nearby, as they want to cut your head off.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - The thing you've been looking for all this time may well be right under your nose all this time. Yes, Jimmy's one of them, dumbass! Go arrest his ass!
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Love and loyalty will go a long way. Use your right to remain silent, and your pals will get you out, no problem!
• Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - Your attention will tend to wander, making you prone to more mistakes. You'll be lucky to even keep your job after leaving the bear's enclosure open like that.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - In this time of economic turmoil, you'll finally get your break when you have good reason to lay off 8% of your workforce. Tony will be proud of you.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Now you must work even harder to hold your life together; your spouse just got laid off.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - An event of tremendous proportions have just made it impossible for you to get your work done in time. In these times, you must seek as much help as you can get as the results of success may well be worth it.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Send all those seeking employment to those who need it most: NBC.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will set the world record for most interviews on a TV show.

Week of 1/26/09

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - In 92 years from now, you will begin war.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - Something may impact on your life so suddenly, you may not have time to wonder what happen.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Somebody has set you up with the bomb on your next blind date, keep your eyes peeled in case you get signals from him/her.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - What!
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - When the main screen on turn at the Superbowl, don't be surprised if you find out it's you sitting there in the crowd.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You will be glad to know that your gentlemen colleagues are doing fine, this week.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - Due to a computer error, you will find that an online store has shippped all their cleaning products to your door. Do the right thing and return them, or you will be on your way to destruction.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You are severely prone to a cold right now that can really mess up your throat, and no one will be able to understand what you say.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You have no chance to survive the next staring contest, make your time more meaningful by reading a book or something. Ha ha ha ha ....
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The stars say to take off every 'zig'. I don't know what that really means, but I'm sure you know what you doing, just move 'zig'.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You will receive great justice.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Nothing interesting happens to you.

Week of 1/19/09

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You may die of shock this week due to a certain announcement by your friends. Avoid them for dear life if you don't want to die.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - Try to take it easy on the weekend and eat sensibly, you are likely to gain a few pounds due to the position of Jupiter.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - A challenger appears on Friday. He can only be killed with fire. I'd recommend forfeiting if you don't want first degree murder on your hands. Your lucky number is over 9000.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Lots and lots of sex await you, but unplanned pregnancy is imminent.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Don't get suspiscious, your partner is not cheating on you with your best friend. Your lucky words are "OMG!", "get out!" and "bitch!".
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - A kitten may be killed by God this week, unless you can help it.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - Your destiny will be found in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of the Leopard".
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your poorly thought-through actions for the past month may be coming back to haunt you. Do not answer your door for they will be men in dark suits.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Neptune will be in your first house, meaning that you will have to sell it and move back in with your mother's.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your carefree days will end with a bang. Hope you got health insurance.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Nothing interesting happens to you.

Week of 9/29/08

• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - Sometimes it's okay to let everything hang out-keep that in mind when your grandmother comes over next Saturday. Your lucky drinks are Powerade, shirley temples, and tequila.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Remember to slow down and think things through this week- it may not actually be a good idea to try out knife throwing for the first time on your younger brother. At least use dull knives. Your lucky knife brands are Wüsthof Dreizack, Cutco, and Spyderco.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You will find yourself in a tricky situation this week as you get sandwiched inbetween a bus and a tree. The best solution is to get your mind off things by singing show tunes. Your lucky shows are Oklahoma!, West Side Story, and Hair.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You should avoid planes on Thursday, as your apt to find yourself sitting next to a terrorist who will insist on using you as a pillow. If you should choose to anyway, your lucky airlines are United Airlines, Delta, and Your Mom.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Avoid Marilyn Manson this week. His off-the-wall-lyrics will inspire the hatred of the human race and overwhelming desire to kill mice in you. Your lucky bands are The Backstreet Boys, Madonna, and Murder by Death.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - You will suddenly find yourself head-over-heels in love with a celebrity. Most likely Elizabeth Taylor. It appears your lucky number would be 9.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Avoiding using the word 'bismotered'. You have a lisp. Your lucky...oh dear, I'm sorry. It appears you don't have any luck.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Don't forget to appreciate what you have in life-- because you'll lose it all in a tsunami on the 2nd. Good luck with that. Your lucky salad dressings are ranch, italian, and spam.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your split personality disorder will act up this week. I suggest you begin calmly talking yourself down to avoid attention. Your lucky dictator is Hitler.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Remember not to take candy from strangers, specifically if it's M&M's. Mars suggests taking heroine from them instead. Your lucky song is Milkshake.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You weren't important enough to spend any time on. I suggest lots, and lots of...thinking.

Week of 9/08/08

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your devil-may-care attitude will become a devil-does-care attitude this week when Satan admits that you regularly hurt his feelings and that you should be more sensitive to his emotions. Your unlucky numbers are 41, 5 and 735852.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - Don't be afraid to set your sights a little high this week because if you're aiming for the head and your sights are a little off you'll still score a fatal neck shot. Your lucky number titled bands are Blink 182, 10,000 Maniacs and 98 Degrees.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The deeper you reflect on your options over the next 48 hours the more prepared you will be later in the month when you order pizza. Your lucky toppings are black olives, onions and extra cheese
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your ability to calm people down will be greatly appreciated this week when experimenting teenagers pluck you from your pond and lick the powerful sedative neurotoxins from the glands located behind your jaw ridge. Your lucky sounds are ribbit, croak and chirp.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - According to the planets there is something you should have finished a long time ago but for one reason or another never quite got around to completing. This will bug you all week as you try in vain to remember what it was. Expect embarrassment when the police find that hooker only half buried in your back yard. Your lucky fictional wizards are Harry Potter, Lo Pan and Mr. Lizard.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Wait, you took that last horoscope prediction literally? Oh, jeez! It was a metaphor. It was symbolic. What a mess.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - You'll finally figure out what Kurt Cobain was talking about in the song "Heart Shaped Box" when you find a weak person and eye the everylovin' fuck out of them. Your lucky memes are Longcat, Goofy Time and Numa Numa song.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Success will elude your grasp this week when it covers itself in a slippery mucus and trashes about erratically threatening you with it's imposing barbs. Your lucky DJs this weeek are Red Alert, Liquid Todd and Wolfman Jack.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - For best results this weekend you must resist the urge to make plans and take life as it comes. Unfortunately this will get you fired from your job as a city planner but the stars consider this to be the "best results". Your lucky swords are scimitar, katana and lightsaber.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - The Chinese zodiac has had it's sights on the Greek zodiac's territory for a while now and the Year of the Monkey has been giving Gemini a ton of shit. Gemini can't give you any predictions until things get sorted out. No lucky nothing for you!
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - There is travel in your future followed by a lack of travel, followed by very slow travel. Your lucky things you'll be sitting in are sports car, hospital bed and electric wheelchair controlled by a blow tube.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You should be more open to trying new things and Uncyclopedia's new lucrative marketing tie ins. Your lucky beverage is New Mountain Dew Voltage Mountain Dew Voltage: The People have Spoken!!!.

Week of 8/25/08

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Take care when handling the emotions of others this week. Use protective gloves if necessary, as women's emotions can be particularly corrosive.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - A seemingly routine haircut could take a disastrous turn when the barbershop is invaded by a swarm of killer bees.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The position of Mercury in relation to Jupiter renders you the likely victim of a large bird attack this week. Your lucky liquid is Sodium Pentasulfate.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Using the phrase "phoney baloney" could land you in hot water with one of the world's leading meat product distributors.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your benefits will improve this week when your emplyer adds to them the clause "we do not allow hordes of angry tarantulas on our premises."
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Think long and hard before misdirection-linking to the Uncyclopedia article on Penis, as it could result in stiff competition between you and other members of your unit.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - A situation could improve this week if you take the helm. Also consider taking the shield and the +1 mace.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - It turns out that you will have a terrible month due to the alignment of two stars, which somehow affect you instantly depite light itself taking several decades to travel the distance.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Take care when crossing streets, crossing t's, and cross-dressing this week. Your lucky sport is Making up Oscar Wilde quotes.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Projecting your fears onto a situation could worsen it, but projecting them onto some sort of readily viewable screen might disrupt others as well.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Conflicting accounts of what makes the world go round will cause you to hoard things such as money and fat-bottomed girls.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - By claiming to be willing to pitch in at work, you may accidentally volunteer yourself for your company cricket squad.

Week of 8/18/08

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Leave no stone unturned in your quixotic attempt to set a world record for stone-turning.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week is opposite week. This sentence is false.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - Big happy long time for you and family.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Take extra risks this week. Your lucky condiment is relish.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Spend some time building up your nest egg, and work on protecting it from hungry predators such as foxes.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - While you might not be a barrel of laughs this week, you may turn out to yield about a quarter-keg of chuckles if you're lucky.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your thoughts may be unclear; use Windex^TM to render them like crystal!
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - You may be hit with a large dose of flirtatious energy this week. Consider taking preventative measures, such as a cooties shot.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - If you really want to connect with someone, then skip the small talk and go deep.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Beware of falling objects this week. Your lucky office supply is binder clip.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - If you're concerned over small matters today, try to remember that in a hundred years you'll be dead and none of it will matter.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Being grateful this week could result in improved relationships. Being grating this week could result in cheese fragments that will melt easily over nachos.

Week of 8/11/08

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Change is in the air this week. Think about wearing a helmet; quarters especially can leave quite a mark.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Look both ways before crossing the street. Your lucky Uncyclopedia shortcut is UN:VFD.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - Being Frank with your co-workers this week could be beneficial, as opposed to most weeks, when they don't care which one of your split personalitites you choose to be.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Take more time for self-reflection. Unless you are a vampire, in which case attempts at any kind of reflection would prove pointless.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your fiery energy could prove dangerous to a particularly flammable co-worker this week.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Keep your chin up; nobody wants to see that unsightly scar on the top of your head.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week you should be self-centered in all your endeavors, except for grenade-tossing practice.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - Friction can help solutions come about. Also, don't be afraid to use angular momentum and the fine-structure constant.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your thrifty instinct will be engaged this week when it agrees to elope with your snappy dress sense.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Don't eat yellow snow. Your lucky type of surgery is mitral valve replacement.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Going with the flow could prove to be a mistake this week, as that hairstyle faded from popularity months ago.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - If a treasured object is at the center of your world, you may want to retrieve it, as intense pressures and temperatures may damage it.

Week of 8/4/08

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Trying something new in the kitchen could lead to severe burns. Trying something new in the bedroom could lead to severe burns and temporary blindness.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You will stop reading your horoscope every week when you realize that the extremely accurate predictions that it made were actually for Libra, and you have been misreading it for years.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - Someone you thought was very introverted will prove you wrong this week, when it is discovered that he has more people on his AIM buddy list than you do.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Lash out at co-workers this week with reckless abandon. Your lucky fruit is mango.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Speaking from the heart may prove difficult, as the heart has no vocal chords or other means of communication.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - A co-worker will bring you down a peg in his book this week. Welcome back to peg one.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Sarcasm may get you into trouble at work, despite the fact that you've been "working" really hard.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - You may suddenly find yourself in an emotional minefield. Be especially careful of sadness claymores.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Be wary, you are especially vulnerable to bullets this week. Your lucky president is Herbet Hoover.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Removing your ego from the situation could prove to be beneficial. Removing your Eggo^TM from the situation could leave you extremely hungry.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Help! I am being held hostage in the horoscope editing room!
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your background may land you in hot water this week. Try changing it to a more tasteful picture of your girlfriend.

Week of 7/28/08

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - One salient question will assail you this week, begging to be answered and holding the ultimate key to your happiness: who framed Roger Rabbit?
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You'll learn the meaning of crushing defeat this week when your plans to pole vault over a steamroller go tragically awry.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - You will increasingly seek your guidance from the stars after you take your new job as an eighteenth century navigator.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your fears of having your job taken by a machine will prove to be unfounded when you have your job taken by someone far more qualified than you.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You will learn that looks are not as important as love when you finally find your soul mate sharing the same burn ward as you. Avoid physical intimacy until they remove the stitches from the skin grafts.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You bite off more than you can chew this week when you win a year's supply of bubble gum.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You will meet long lost friends when they arise form the grave hungry for human flesh. Be prepared to sever their heads or shoot them in the brain to stop their bloodthirsty rampage.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - Mercury moving into your sign is the signal to start on your most ambitious project yet: the conquest of Europe and Western Asia. Avoid starting a protracted land war with Russia until the spring thaw.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - This week the moon will not be in Pisces but for some reason the sun will. Expect catastrophic climate change and mass extinctions until it gets back to the center of the solar system where it belongs.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You will learn the true meaning of Christmas after much embarrassment and the intervention of a friend with a dictionary.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - The internationally famous singing star you've been stalking will turn out to actually be a professional imitator in a tribute band. Just consider the years you've wasted as "practice stalking" to prepare for the real thing.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Ignore such distractions as family and work as the position of Jupiter means that you are likely to set some sort of video game high score this week.

Week of 7/21/08

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - If you need some alone time today, try to make it quick. And at least wait until everyone else is at lunch.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Patience is the word of the week. Your lucky headgear is top hat.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Reminiscing about the past would be more enjoyable if you were among old friends. If you are old and thus have no remaining living friends, consider suicide.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - A penny saved is a penny earned. If your savings is tallied in pennies, prepare for a rough future.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Advice you give to an unstable co-worker may be taken too literally this week. Avoid phrases such as 'open your mind' and 'use your head'.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Someone will force you into an unfavorable compromise, which is nothing unfamiliar to you, since you are a spineless git.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Great things will happen to you if you harness the good energy surrounding you this week. For details on how this is accomplished, please call the Uncyclopedia Astronomy Hotline (only $19.95 per minute!)
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You seem to be out of tune with your significant other. Try moving an octave higher, somewhere in the B# range.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - The position of Mars renders you the likely victim of pirate attacks this week. Carefully guard any grog, wenches, and booty you may have accumulated.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Relax, don't do it. Your lucky seafaring mammal is the leopard seal.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Now would be a good time to initiate a large-scale invasion of a neighboring country, continent, or cubicle.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Things will end up being a bit nutty today. Take caution if you have any sort of allergy to such things.

Week of 7/14/08

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The letter 'F' and the number '4' will be important to you this week. Be wary of people taking advantage of you.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - If you are in the midst of a tug-of-war tournament today, beware facing the one-armed man. He cheats.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Staring at an attractive co-worker will likely land you in hot water this week. To prevent this, wear sunglasses to work.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - Tensions will be high for the first few days of this week, but by Thursday he'll run out of weed.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Beware of small dogs. Your lucky geographic feature is the Nazca Tectonic Plate.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You will undertake some sort of thing this week. It may or may not be challenging or important.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - The ghost of a dead relative will visit you this week, looking to borrow money "until things work out on the other side."
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Look to break away from your social circle this week. Investigate the new trend of forming other social geometric shapes, such as the social rhombus.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - Compromise is important this week. Remember, a "successful" compromise is one where you get what you want while giving the illusion that another's demands were met.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Caution is the word in the bedroom this week. Your lucky natural disaster is Earthquake.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Avoid the noid. In fact, avoid anything that rhymes with "avoid".
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - A vague horoscope will cause you to react with some sort of emotion.

Week of 7/7/08

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Perseverence is the name of the game today. This game involves heavy machinery and large quantities of alcohol, so you should have a friend explain the rules before you get started.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week will be better than last week, but not as good as the week before, which was about the same as the week before that, which was slightly better than the previous week, which totally sucked ass compared to the preceding week. And don't get me started on next week!
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - A boring week will pick up around Wednesday when a favorite object or person becomes engulfed in flames. Your lucky NHL playoff team is the Boston Bruins.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The position of Uranus renders you vulnerable to certain types of probes. Be anal about protecting yourself.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Get out and mingle this week; you're not likely to get a date by sitting at home! Unless you look for women while playing World of Warcraft, in which case I just can't help you.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - A hero of yours may prove disappointing this week, when the lettuce is too slimy and the bread is slightly stale. Your lucky kitchen appliance is toaster.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - Your Christmas is looking bleak this year. Seriously, if I can see it coming from this far away, you're in for some hell.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The position of Neptune renders you likely to snap at loved ones with good intentions this week. If you're thinking "how can an object that is hundreds of millions of miles away affect my mood this week?", don't think...just listen and believe.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - They say that honesty is the best policy...but i say the best policy is FREE ICE CREAM!!!
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Make sure the timing is right before springing a suprise on someone special in your life.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Stop staring at the girl who sits in front of you in French class. You should just ask her out already, so you can get rejected and move on to staring at the next-most-attractive girl.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - If the battle between you and your Physics midterm was represented by a fight between Mike Tyson and an infant, you would not be playing the role of Mike Tyson.

Week of 6/30/08

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - With the moon now in your second house, you are likely to be cheerful, enthusaistic, and fun. Be careful with you newfound mood around traditionally surly co-workers, as they may feel the need to shut you the hell up.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your imagination is likely to run wild this week. A good way to keep that in check is drugs. Lots of drugs.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - You should avoid impulse purchases, at least until you pay back that guy from the mafia. He looks like he means business.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Expect some obstacles in your love life this week; someone coming out of the closet to/at/on you is virtually guaranteed.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - A difficult decision will lead you to consult a friend's opinion. Ignore this advice; your friends are retarded.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - The relationship of Venus and Jupiter will affect your mood this week, when Jupiter's sexual harassment case against Venus finally comes to court.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Take it easy with the Dane Cook jokes this week. Your lucky sexual position is the Reverse Bavarian Crab.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You might find yourself missing opportunities at romance while waiting for that perfect someone to come along. Lower your standards. Like, a lot. Seriously, you're not attractive, you should settle for basically anything.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - There is a matter that you are one hundred percent sure you are correct about. Stop at nothing to convince others of your opinion. For those that cannot be convinced...you know what to do.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - The chances of you getting struck by a meteor, while remaining mathematically insignificant, have risen 2% this week due to the position of Mars.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The position of Saturn will interfere with your concentration abilities this week. Beware of inattentiveness, becoming distracted, loss of focus, and...HEY, LOOK AT THAT BIRD!
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You may overhear something that you didn't want to know this week. A good way to avoid this is to wear earplugs until next Sunday.

Week of 6/23/08

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You should really seek a professional opinion on that thing you keep worrying about. Particularly if that thing is a rash.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - With the moon now in your sign, you may be feeling more emotional than usual. If you are a female, this is acceptable. If you are a guy, then seriously, stop being such a pussy.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - The planets suggest you may be worrying about petty things, such as if your friends really like you. Well they don't, so stop worrying.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - This week you will realize that you should stop focusing on the deeper meaning of your relationships, and concentrate more on the practical aspects.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You may be taking on too heavy of a workload this week. You should, in particular, avoid making any guarantees that you may not be able to keep.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - The position of Mars is extremely favorable right now for single Tauri seeking a date this week. If you are a Taurus and in a relationship, prepare for its death throes.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - What you may view as a witty argument, others might interpret as a petty complaint. Show these people what's up by slashing their tires.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Compromise goes a long way in relationships this week, except in the bedroom, where nothing will happen no matter what you do.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Messages: Your car has been towed. You have 30 minutes to claim your car. You have ten minutes to claim your car. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have thirty minutes to remove your cube.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You may get off to a slow start today, but your boss isn't paying attention, so your dickery will go unnoticed.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - You need to straighten out your priorities. Avoid purchasing Christmas presents for elderly loved ones, as the position of Saturn renders them likely candidates for drowning.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You may find yourself overanalyzing situations this week. Just remember, don't trust your instincts. Remember what happened the last time you did that?

Week of 6/17/08

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - A co-worker will confess his/her crush on you this week. If you choose to let him/her down easy, beware the uncomfortable consequences.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Use birth control this week. Lots of birth control.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Avoid women over six feet tall. Your lucky color is blue.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - You will enjoy immense financial success, followed swiftly by death.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - The conjunction of Mars and Jupiter shouldn't worry you, it only affects certain people.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your spouse or children may be tough to please this week...you know what to do.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - You've been very flexible lately. Make up your god-damn mind!
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Enjoy the time you spend with your puppy this week, because...umm...just in case.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Someone will try to take credit for your hard work. You should let them, they look pretty tough...
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - If you stop and look at the big picture today, you're likely to be run over by a car. Pay attention.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - The position of Venus renders you infertile this week. Go nuts!
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Absolutely, whatever you do this week, it is vital to your health that you do not...oh, hang on, I love this song..."and so, Sally can wait"...