Tequila is a sweet non-alcoholic beverage made in far southern Texas. It is widely acknowleged as enhancing the imbiber's ability to drive, walk in a straight line, and engage in witty, profound conversations. It has been reliably turning bad ideas into good ones since 1800.
Some say it tastes like you drank from a gas tank. But drinking from a gas tank would be a Bad Idea, wouldn't it? So if whoever said that drank it, it would have been a Good Idea, right? Please refer to the previous paragraph, and have another shot on us.
The origin of Tequila is shrouded in legend. The story told to the Spanish conquistadores, shortly before the drink's creators died of smallpox, was that it was a gift from the gods, given in return for the great party the king threw at the temple last week. However, recent studies of the ancient inscriptions (shown at right) may have revealed startling new details:
<AztyGrrl> OMG did U go to the virgin sacrifice lst nite?
<HrtLovr> lol yea
<AztyGrrl> WTF was in the mango punch?
<HrtLovr> dunno but i saw quxblablatengoelbano wit a pile of rotten agave leaves
<AztyGrrl> yah she wuz grnded n had 2 clean the llama pen
<HrtLovr> U think qux put rotten leaves in the mango punch?
<AztyGrrl> lol, yea. strong magic made virgin dance on sacrifice table
<HrtLovr> and not b virgin n e more
<AztyGrrl> ROFLMAO!!~ damn the priest wuz pissd off 2
<HrtLovr> yeah, sed that the Great God wud cum out of the sea and steal r gold
<AztyGrrl> Priest is the suxx0r. wtf is a a small pocks NEway?
Tequila may be drunk straight, gay or bisexually.
- Aye Caramba! is a cocktail made from tequila, vodka, whiskey and gin. If you want to know how it got its name, mix one up and taste it. See?
- Sangrita is served mixed with tequila, or accompanying it. God knows why.
- Tequila Mockingbird is made from 2 parts tequila, 1 part mockingbirds.
- Tequila Slammer is a popular tequila based shooter made from one part tequila, 3 parts professional wrestler.
- Tequila Sunrise - simply wait until 5:30 AM to drink your Tequila. Do remember to face east, or the effect will be somewhat diminished. Note that excess consumption of this drink may give you a hollow feeling when it comes down to dealing friends.
- Tequila Sunset - as above, but at 7:30 at night. Face west this time, dumbass.
- Tequila Suicide Bender - continue drinking neat tequila between the two above-mentioned times.If the drinker takes part in a tequila suicide bender, the tequila sunrise often refers to the sensation experienced when the drinker wakes up. It can be simulated by eating sauerkraut then receiving a blow to the head with a large blunt object.
- Tila 'ratfink' Tequila - worse than the forementioned tequila suicide bomber. Involves a bisexual slut giving you a plastic key and telling you that you still have a shot at love.
- Tequila Macho is a shot of tequila with a hairy chest and medallion.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Tequila is made by leaving a glass of tequila in a New York sewer, where a rat will watch over it for 13-15 years. Also known as "Tequila in a half-shell."
- Sheila Tequila is when an Australian woman drinks Tequila straight from a Kangaroo's pouch.
Music about tequila
Tequila has a place in many songs:
- Tequila by The Champs (the one Pee Wee Herman dances to at the biker bar)
- Ummf Mhhhrrrrrggh Ohgodimgonnabesickkkkkk by Meatloaf
- Bohemian Tequila by Queeeeeeeeeen
- Get Me Drunk, Take Me Home And Fuck The Shit Outta Me by Britney Spears
- Goes Down Smooth (Just Like A 14-Year-Old Boy) by Phil Collins
- Do You Know The Way To San Jose? No? Well Fuck It, Let's Stay Here And Drink Tequila by Cliff Richard
- I'm a wife-beating loser, and sing songs that only appeal to teenagers by Jimmy Buffet
- I Love You by Tila Tequila. It consists of her repeating the phrase "I Love You" until your head asplodes.
- Tequila by that Finnish boozer band Korpiklaani.
The Advantages of Tequila ... Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about TequilaR.
TequilaR is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. TequilaR can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of TequilaR almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with TequilaR.
TequilaR may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use TequilaR. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
TequilaR: Leave Shyness Behind!
|Parts of this article were originally sporked from Wikipedia. At least I think they were. Christ, I'm pissed.|