Dumped

Maybe you should have gone to college.

Oh, dear God. No, no, no no no, no. I can't believe it, how could she do that?

Woah, what happened?

I just walked in on Carol...and she was with Jake. And they...oh, sweet Jesus fucking Christ. She just looked at me...and laughed.

Ouch. Looks like you just got dumped.

No,it can't be!

The Department of Free Handjobs

Ah, the first stage. Denial, or as scientists call it - denial. You may be asking yourself, how could this have happened? The simple answer is, you are a disgusting person. Look, right now-you've got a handful of Cheetos and a mouthful of Cheezits. Maybe if you had spent less time masturbating and more time pleasuring her, she wouldn't have had to resort to giving handjobs in the DMV bathroom. Turn off the porn and go for a jog.

But I haven't whacked it in three years!

The increasing stain in the corner of your room begs to differ. We just got another hint as to why this happened-you're a terrible liar. All those nights you spent in the bar pounding $2 beers while telling her you were at a business meeting, she knew. C'mon, how many fucking business meetings does a janitor actually go to?

Well...I've been playing guitar a lot.

Oh, really? Well la-de-fuckin-da. You think just because you know Smoke On The Water she's going to come back to you? No, buddy, you'll need to pull some serious shit to make her want you. You need to become Slash Hendrix for that to work. Nobody wants to sleep with the guy playing out of tune in a crappy bar at 3 A.M. Get a real job.

Sniff...alright, what do you suggest?

Stop sucking. Seriously, it sounds mean, but that's the first step in not being a total loser. See, it goes like this:

• Stop sucking
• Find a girlfriend
• Open a company
• Manage said company until it becomes a global corporation
• Fulfill five-year plan
• Run company into the ground
• Become janitor again

That doesn't help

Well, what do you want me to do? Your stupid ass is the reason she left you. Get your life together! Do I need to walk you through the steps? We'll start with stop sucking, and move on from there.

Stop Sucking

First off, get a haircut, hippie, and take a shower. We'll need to get rid of that grime to turn you into a respectable person. Next, we have to find out what basic skills you have. Can you run fast? Alright, track star is out of the question. How about counting? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, can you do that? Good, we're going to make you an accountant.

Find A Girlfriend

Now that you have a good job, it's time to get you laid. Go out to bars, and begin your beaver quest.

iHam

Open a Company/Corporation: Invent something. Let's see, what is there that hasn't been made yet? Electric socks? A dual MP3/Ham sandwich? Those would work. Now get a bank loan. The beauty of these steps is that when you open your store, no one in the world is going to have your product. Make sure you patent the idea, so nobody can steal it. Then again, electric sock is the stupidest fuckin' thing I've ever heard of. You'll probably be safe.

Fulfill 5-Year Plan

Get down on your knees, and...woah, woah, WOAH! What's wrong with you? I was talking about asking her to marry you, you sick bastard! Jesus...buy a house, get some kids or something. Shit, when I'm done here, I'm going to look for a new apartment.

Run Company into the Ground:

She could very well say "No."

Have an affair with your secretaries, cheat on your taxes, and ignore equal opportunities. Have fun with it and be creative...of course, you thought the iHam was a good idea, doesn't seem like creativity is your strong suit.

Become a Janitor again:

This is the easiest part of the lesson. You're 73, underqualified, and in a wheelchair. Master of the Custodial Arts is the job for you! Of course, at this point, your wife's left you, your kids aren't talking to you, and you have no friends.

Time Paradox:

Stop sucking.

I think I'm just going to go talk to her

Well, I can give you a ride, I was just about to head over to her apartment. I left my boxers in her bedroom.