Evelyn Waugh

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Not to be confused with The Evelyn War

“Who the hell is she?”

~ Philistine on Evelyn Waugh

“I thought my name was a bit girly...!”

~ Mr. Julianna Fleur Jenkins on Evelyn Waugh

Evelyn Waugh (pronounced woff) was a polymath of the highest order: a scientist, an author, a love-machine and a famous director of subversive films such as Legally Blonde which were designed to bring down the American legal system from the inside out. He is now dead.


Evelyn was born at about the same time as the third coming of Jesus and was raised by his uncle and aunt after his real parents died in a car crash, leaving a lightning-shaped scar across his head. He was forced to cook and clean for his two ugly step-sisters, and his only dream was to one day get out of this abusive life. His uncle would regularly sodomise him with volumes of communist literature, and it seems that it was this which turned him to the Dark Side.

One day a giant of a man called Hagrid came a-knocking. He told the little Evelyn that he was, in fact, a wizard, and that he had came to take him to Hogwarts where he could learn to become a Jedi. It was at Hogwarts that Evelyn met the abusive crack head Harry Potter, who taught him how to pleasure himself with turnips. However, young Evelyn soon became seduced by the dark side of the Force, and after hearing a speech given by a member of the Hogwarts Debating Society on the natural healing powers of communism, Evelyn fled to the USSR, where he could practise his new-found powers.

He took the name Darth Balls, and in time became one of the USSR's leading scientists. However, it seems he eventually suffered a mental breakdown, and gave up his powers. He remained loyal to the USSR, however, and published a number of novels which were in fact thinly veiled pieces of communist propaganda. In his later life he turned his skills to film-making, which is what he is best known for. He died on 21 July, 199999, due to a surfeit of peaches.

Scientific Achievements[edit]

He is best remembered for two things:

  • His creation of the four robots who made up the popular band Chernobyl, and the creation of a weapon so deadly its very use has been outlawed by the Geneva Convention
  • Anne Coulter. Programmed to be a raving, sadistic psycho bitch, this WMD has been working diligently to destroy the United Spades of Amerika. Numerous attempts to destroy her have been made, but due to Evelyn's technical expertise, she is more powerful than an enraged mother bear on its period, and more terrifying than the awesome power of Superman's gonad - the left one.

Literary Achievements[edit]

Evelyn wrote over 300 books. However, they can all be summarised with this basic formula:

  • A young lay-about engages with a bit of "how's-your-father" with a wealthy married woman, indicating the malaise of morals in the Western World.
  • This scandal becomes the talk of society, indicating the shallow and base nature of Western values.
  • Her husband, a good, decent man (clearly representing a good communist worker) finds out, but instead of being enraged, he realises that to become angry would be a violation of the convention that all property, including women, is held in common, so he allows the sordid affair to continue.
  • For no reason at all, the husband decides to go off to the Amazon, where he is captured by a crazy old man who forces him to read Charles Dickens books all day, every day. This is of course an indication of the terrible nature of the natural world in comparison with the ordered nature of industrialisation and how even in remote areas Western bourgeois Capitalist ideals have wormed their evil tendrils into the hearts of these good, innocent savages.
  • The husband dies, possibly from a surfeit of Charles Dickens.

Film achievements[edit]

His aim in making films was always to be subversive.

Legally Blonde, one of his most famous films, was designed to be a shocking documentary into the nature of the American legal system. However, it had an unexpected benefit - many silly, impressionable, attractive young women watched it and they too believed they could become lawyers, thus leading to a surfeit of hot foxy totty on the Bar, and everyone is so busy watching their firm, peach-like buttocks which are barely concealed by the mini-skirts that they wear, no one ends up doing anything and so the legal system is crashing around our ears as we speak.

He also directed the Star Wars hexology, a little-known series that, unfortunately, has been lost to the world. We can only speculate as to its contents - however, fragments of posters discovered during archaeological investigations of ancient movie theatres indicate that it was a tempestuous, incestuous love affair between a brutha and a sista in a galaxy far, far away and a long time ago. His father, who was a Goth and always wore black, found out about this, and chopped off the brutha's hand. The brutha took his revenge on his father with the aid of a number of small, incontinent teddy bears called Ewoks, with hilarious results.

The Creed of Evelyn Waugh[edit]

Evelyn was born, Evelyn has died, Evelyn will come again. So, look busy.