Dieting

You burn more calories being depressed about the prospect of eating celery than you gain consuming it.

Dieting is a mainly female hobby, in which the "Dieter" will attempt to modulate the shape of their body so that it exactly matches people that appear in photo-shopped pictures in the magazine Closer. Popular with much of the female population, one of the side-effects of the hobbie is significant weight gain.

Hardware

Mirrors provide a reflection of the person looking at them. This facilitates a dieter to see the progress they have made in a visual format. A person will always appear fatter in a mirror due to science. Thus the dieter should divide the total area they see before them, by half.

Scales

Like golf, the dieter will be looking for the lowest score possible. Whilst the British prefer to weigh themselves in the more subtle and sedate Stone, North-Americans prefer the fast-moving, high-scoring pounds (lbs) system.

Self-esteem

One of the many ugly side-effects of dieting is a phenomina known as self-esteem. This substance intoxicates dieters brains, causing them to redistribute their hair pattern and turn up at social events in smaller and more ill-fitting pieces of clothing. Their over-confident entrances into rooms are often further exacerbated by unnecessary rotation of the body and immovable smiles that cause their eyes to glaze over like crack whores.

Milkshakes

Dieters consume a far greater volume of ugly looking milkshakes than even frequent patrons of McDonalds. Their hopeful bulbus faces suckle desperately, prayerful that some vestige of flavour will make it onto their frustrated and unsympathetic, starved tastebuds. Some dieters call these milkshakes "smoothies" because that just sounds healthier.

Weight-loss Techniques

Not Eating Pizza

Seeing somebody with celery is a tell-tale sign of someone Not Eating Pizza.

Not Eating Pizza is a very popular method of dieting as it can be done at any time in any place. Many Dieters find they can fit in various sessions of not eating pizzas, even on a busy day. In a work break, whilst commuting to and from your place of work: all great and convenient opportunities to not eat pizza.

Though a relatively straight forward activity, some businesses have found productivity dipping with people serupticiously Not Eating Pizza on company time. Sports Direct owner Mike Ashley has banned all his staff from Not Eating Pizza, commenting that, "customers do not want to see our staff Not Eating Pizza in the midst of a financial transaction for tracksuit bottoms."

Eating Potatoes

One of the most attractive parts of the hobby is telling non-dieters about your potato eating habbits. Dieters will often invite friends and family around to their place of living for dinner parties, running through detailed Power Point slides offering spudtistics.

Dieters will have multiple alarms set-up to wake them for their "Carb Windows" - times in which their chosen diet allows potato consumption. A typical window is normally no longer than six minutes and around 3am. Because of these restrictions, an explosion in the electronics consumer market of potato baking functions has occurred. Almost all smartphones now come with the facility to bake, with many now rated as being as good at the task as a conventional oven.

Coffee Shops

Celery

This technique involves packs of women visiting coffee shops in lycra. Drinks consumed range from coffee to wine, and often coffee followed by wine and then more wine. Such meetings are normally punctuated by one of the party resting her unstructured leg on a separate chair. This is generally referred to as "taking up two chairs."

A big part of the activity includes conversing with each other about subjects normally ignored due to their overt triviality.

Exercise

Purists have long opposed the inclusion of exercise as a form of dieting. They see it as an unnatural and underhand manner of disposing of fat.