Duck
A Duck (Quackus Flyus) is a small domesticated waterfowl that chronically suffers from "Duck's Disease", also known as TLS (Tiny Leg Syndrome). Ducks have an average wingspan of 12 meters in diameter, are covered in feathers of colors blue, red, or bright yellow, and are really, really stupid. In the scientific community they are not known as "Ducks" but as "Duck," singular. Another meaning of the word Duck is the verb "Duck", which means to hold a live Duck above your head while you lower your own, to have the duck absorb the impact of the object launched at you, usually a bullet, a staple gun, or a frozen Windows Computer. Duct Tape is made of powdered ducks, similar to the process of making glue from horses. PETA is currently researching an environmentally friendly form of synthetic duck to replace this process.
Creation[edit]
In the late 1100s, the infamous artist and inventor Leonardo Da Vinci created the duck by selectively crossbreeding certain chickens with rabbits. He required this new species of bird so he could create a follow-up to the famous painting 'The Mona Lisa' which was to be called 'The Mona Lisa holding a Duck'. Through his experiments, Da Vinci managed to create around 1.5 billion ducks by comandeering some of the most advanced and sophisticated technologies of his generation. First, Leonardo went around to all the chicken farms in Italy to find the chickens which most closely resembled the sketch he had done of the bird he saw in his drug induced hallucinations. Then using romantic lute music and a case of the chicken aphrodisiac 'Boing Bong', he managed to breed enough chikcedns to pioneer a whole new generation of somewhat duckish chickens. Da Vinci spent the rest of his life fine tuning his greatest invention, and succeeded, but, in and ironic twist of fate, was brutally savaged to death by the first duck he created. This was of course all hushed up by the Vatican, who thought it insulting to God that a man could create a life form.
Another theory on the origin of the term Duck[edit]
The term Duck has also been speculated to originate at a time during one duck hunting season many years ago. Ducks were originally known as Quacks, and so the season was originally called quack hunting season.
The legend goes that one quack spotted a hunter taking aim at another quack, and for some inexplicable reason it shouted "DUCK!", prompting the other to quickly duck its head under the water, causing the bullet to miss its target and fly through where it's head should've been, right across the pond straight into the chest of a passing doctor who was recently sacked for telling a patient who believed he was a pair of curtains to "pull himself together". He was killed instantly.
News of this extraordinary event had soon quickly spread across quack ponds worldwide. Within 5 years the quack population exploded, not literally as in the exploding penguin syndrome, but literally as in they multiplied increasing the population.
Unfortunately, news had also traveled fast within quack hunting communities; and soon both Duck and Quack had become synonymous.
Over time the name Quack transitioned to ducks prompting the creation of the revised term "Duck Hunting Season", and also a new phrase for any species ducking out of the way of something. At the same time, unprofessional doctors were then newly defined as quacks, as it is the ridiculous sound which a duck makes.
What is a duck?[edit]
Ducks are a species of flightless bird that regularly swim south for the winter. The duck may swim through land from ponds to rivers as to gain access to the sea. Ducks regularly attempt to fly, although it is widely know to both the human and duck community that, without the assistance of a helicopter or other similar aerial craft, they are only able to fly short distances, usually in the range of 10-15 Mackerels. The duck has been widely accepted by the town of Rickshaw, Wyoming (population 31) as a member of the snake kingdom. The nearby town of Poobah (population 243 ducks) has lobbied to make the duck a fungus, but who gives a crap about Poobah? Ducks, of course! Ducks are known by the rest of the world as a device meant to amuse.
Creation (simplified)[edit]
It all starts when an egg is born. This is a baby duck encased in what you might call a little 'house', also called 'breakfast'. When he or she is hatched and comes out of the 'house', a duckling will emerge. This is another name for a baby duck. After a few months of love, care, and secretly getting fattened with their parents, they are taken away to a frightening place called a 'Farmers Market', where they will be bought and sold to duck tape factories, and we all know where it comes from there. Besides intoxicated workers
Llamas and Ducks are the same animal, but llamas do not fly under their own power. Ducks come in many different quality tiers. First comes the "swamp duck" which is usually found flattened on the asphalt somewhere in Florida. Then comes the "mallard" which is actually just a wooden duck that someone has convinced to you is a real type of animal.
Rubber Ducks[edit]
Not to be confused with applesauce, Rubber Ducks are the main attraction to many a bathtub (and or a bedroom) and the only reason most people enter a bath (or a bed) at least once a month. Rubber ducks are mainly used to simulate a real duck floating on a pond, river or lake, although in a bath you may also encounter foam (see Bubbles). Some common misconceptions caused by this practice are:
- Most real ducks will not squeak (or bite and chew ravenously while simultaneously producing horrendous ear-splitting screeches and barking noises) if you squeeze them or sit on them (The Quackus Squeakus is an exception).
- Ducks most likely will not fly up out of the water and carry on swimming if you hold them to the bottom and then let go (Quackus Floatus is an exception).
- Rubber ducks are also rumored to have secret plans for world domination. One person said "I saw the duck in my bath. It was glaring at me with those evil eyes staring, and then it touched me. It said if I told anyone it would kill me, and it said, "You always knew I had this gun, Michael, and I'm not afraid to do it." Then the duck told me that it wanted me to touch little children as I had been touched by it, I was scared. So I became a pedophile" Of course, most people do not believe this bullshit- after all, Michael Jackson said it! We now have the chance to interview a ducky personally. 'Duck, do you deny world domination plans?' -'I sure don't, our cows are ready to take over the world!' 'What are your plans for the world domination?' -'really easy, first we take over the swimming pool in London, and multiply for lets say...5 years.' 'than if we have enough eggs to take back our pool which was taken over by terrorists/tourists all the same, we betrayed the cows and give them the poisoned break those terrorists are giving us all the time to kill us ducks!' ' and well the rest of the world will fear us ducks and we will finally be able to quack again, and poo on peoples head!
Pâté[edit]
Pâté comes from France. Ducks are the ingredient of some kinds of pâté; to develop a fine pâté, a live duck must be forcefully inserted into a blender very slowly. The resulting sound is both hilarious and horrifying, but enhances the taste. While making pâté, be aware of other ducks coming and attacking you for your inhumane treatment of Ducks. Cultural shifts in France now mean that many young French people are too bone idle to liquidize ducks as their parents would traditionally have done, though given the chance they will often slap one about a bit.
Unique features[edit]
As members of the Aves class are known to be composed of a volatile mixture of helium and hydrogen, depending on their species, ducks, chickens, ostriches, and most other flightless birds or waterfowl diverge from the common bodily composition observed in their class and have adapted entirely different chemical compositions which better facilitate their survival. Ducks, though they originated in Renaissance Italy, are scattered throughout the world in a mind-boggling array of cuteness. The duck diaspora is concentrated in the Americas, and it is believed ducks were involuntarily transported across the world by slave traders who, for all their inhumanity, could not resist the ducks' bow-ties. The American duck community is thriving and vibrant, with most members retaining their native tongue, Duck (language), customs, and religious holidays.
Controversy[edit]
The oft-asked question "What is the difference between a duck?" seems to have no simple answer, as ducks are indistinguishable from themselves, let alone each other. Progress was halted temporarily during the Great War, as none of the answers were duck-related.
Stemming from this dilemma, the forward march of scientific progress called into question one of common sense's most sacred observances: that ducks as well as other waterfowl, are made entirely of wood. This should seem obvious to the layman biologist, given that ducks have poor flying skills, as would a thrown stick, yet possess incredible buoyancy. Evolutionists, Creationists, scientists, rasists, rapists, executionists, and people who find Monty Python to be juvenile, boring, and generally bereft of humor have made duck composition a point of contention in the public sphere. Atheist and Apythonist celebrities such as Richard Dawkins and Ann Coulter have come out in favor of supporting the theory of "animalian origin for ducks," which, despite so-called "proof" provided by alleged "experts" remains unconvincing to the American public at large, who dismiss the claim as "just a theory" and maintain that ducks are floating decorations, not living organisms.
People's views on ducks[edit]
Many people think ducks are evil, devious creatures that lurk in the night looking for prey. Those who think this are right. In fact, ducks have been responsible for many high profile assassinations, from Abraham Lincoln to John F. Kennedy. Indeed, the ducks that chronically chase tourist peanuts on the Grassy Knoll were ignored by investigators wedded to the "lone gunman" theory.
Ducks' views on people[edit]
As a duck, I find the common stereotypes about ducks formed by humans to be offensive and incorrect. We ducks are a proud race of birds. When they think of ducks, they only think of mindless bread-eaters who just "quack" and poop everywhere. This is not true! We don't even quack! We speak our own language known to the ducks as Mallardspeak, but the untrained ears of humans cannot comprehend the advance linguistic structure of Mallardspeak. By the way, do you happen to have a bread crumbs you could spare for an old chap like myself? I am quite ravenous from all my swimming.
Other Unique Features[edit]
Ducks were the national mammal of former Yugoslavia and have been known to frequent ponds. Their diet consists solely of bread, cheetos and beer cans given to them by sympathetic humans. Ducks live primarily in urban habitats, unlike other waterfowl, and enjoy swimming in the mildly toxic runoff generated by rain flowing from parking lots, into gutters, and finally, to the urban ponds where ducks make their homes. Ducks are proficient at constructing sidewalks around their habitat, which is an invitation for humans to feed them. Despite these seemingly advanced adaptations, ducks are primarily helpless, and if touched go into comas,so obviously are often beaten to death or run over by passing juggalos and automobiles. It is interesting to note then in the State of Texas, throwing a duck at someone counts as Assault with a Deadly Weapon.
Endangered Species Classification[edit]
Ducks, though critically endangered, are not classified as such by The United States Government, due to their overwhelming cuteness. The cause of their dwindling numbers is caused by a "lemming-like" fondness for jet engines and by being "Damn tasty". It is widely believed that creatures as helpless and ridiculous as ducks are too cute to ever become extinct, despite the circumstances. And, due to the ducks' peculiar anatomy, the government will likely be able to clone them using spare lumber, should they ever become extinct.
The Greater Duck[edit]
Although most of this world's ducks are ugly and most likely retarded, there is a rare species of mallard, seen by only one man, a brave and accomplished suburban explorer, not including an entire neighborhood of white collar workers, who were soon crushed to death anyway. We don't know how much is legend and how much is fact. All we know is that the Greater Duck exists...
Plus we have photographic evidence. Judging by this picture, the Greater Duck is about 55 feet tall, his majestic wings are host to a multitude of coca cola advertisements, his fearsome beak drips with the blood of innocent homosexuals looking for a quiet place where they can screw each other in the worst possible way and talk with funny accents. After he crushed twenty homes in two hours, still avoiding the eyes of most of the American population, the Government decided to "Spread Democracy" to the hellish beast's face. However, all the army was not enough when they couldn't find the monster. Even the most advanced radar of today couldn't find this elusive creature. Nothing is for certain anymore. We don't when and where the creature can strike, or even if he exists. No gay baby whale can sleep safe, knowing that the next day, it might just be devoured. Lucky for us, Geico now has Greater duck insurance.
The Duck of Cornwall[edit]
The Duck of Cornwall is a unique creature of Britain. Slightly older than your nan, this creature is quite often photographed atop a horse (camilla) and is known for its tweed plumage and distinct call "Naff awff". Its main habitat is polo fields and swanky dos, although it has been seen slumming it in Gloucestershire and the north coast of Norfolk. Its migration pattern is enough to give you a headache, and while flightless is able to get around quite nicely in a private jet (lost), private yacht (sold), and land rover (nicked). About the only place it avoids is Cornwall where it frankly wouldn't be seen dead. Sometimes called Prince Charles to confuse its prey (mainly photographers), it is best not to approach this dangerous creature.