London-upon-Seabed

London-Upon-Seabed

	London as seen from the London Eye.
Local Anthem	"Something by Edward Elgar."
Capital	London Underground
Population	250 million pigeons, Boris Johnson
Ethnic groups	Britons: 0.4%, Avians: 99.6%.
Form of Government	Parliamentary theocracy
Leader	Boris of Liverpool
Currency	Pigeon talons
Official Language	The Metro
Imports	Egyptian relics and Orson Welles
Exports	Imperialism
Official Religion	Marxism

“A fine gallery of phallic landmarks!”

~ Oscar Wilde on London

London-Upon-Seabed is the capital of the freemasonic empire, Barclays, just outside England's capital city, Western Transnistria. The city was built along the River Styx by the surviving inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah. It is rumoured to be the final resting place of Madonna and Noel Coward, the only ginger beer left in the country. Unfortunately it sits currently 200 Feet below sea level.

People born within the sound of Cow Bells are called Cockerknees, who are named after men's genitalia and a convenient posture. Cockerknees are detained in the East End of London with the chavs. The detainees will soon be moved to Los Angeles, which is scheduled to be renovated as a nuclear testing site. The last sighting of a Cockernee was a week last Wednesday, leading several leading anthropologists to suggest that, like the Yangtze River Dolphin, they have become extinct. Like the aforementioned river dolphin. Cockerknees live entirely on whelks and eels, and these creatures have been wiped out due to severe over-jellifying.

Despite its diminutive size, and lack of obvious attractions, London Village (est. 1987) is actually the only inhabited place in the United Kingdom (source: US Guidebooks TM) and Merkins flock there in untold dozens - all looking for Hobbiton (which is in Ireland, as anyone who saw a recent film would know) or Hogwarts (which is a painful sexually transmitted disease caused by hogfucking, the favourite hobby of most London Villagers). The locals welcome them with open arms, and positively encourage them and their heavy wallets on the YouTube, a miniature underground railway (where they may meet the tube's tour guides, or "chavs" who may charge a small fee for a taste of "the Authentic London Experience").

The lack of attractions in London is not due to a lack of effort, however. Those noteworthy accomplishments of its inhabitants have a peculiar habit of being knocked over, being declared indecent by the general public and then getting knocked over, or simply disappearing. In the case of the latter, the equally glaring lack of a standard police force has prevented any competent exploration of who took the missing attraction, or where the missing attraction has gone, although many suspect Noel Edmonds of hoarding them in his secret underground bunker near Paisley. (citation needed)

On being the centre of the Universe

After maths being done with GMT & KFC and that, on Monday August 14th 1997 it was proven what 98.7% of Londoners had previously thought that London is the centre of the universe, and a synonym for "Nation" (hence the logic of placing anything "National" there).

If something "national" needs building (say, a football stadium) it is completely logical to 'Facking Laandaanaars' to have it in the south east of the country as far as possible from the majority of the population of England or Britain. (Some illogical Northerners and Midlanders sometimes suggest that such buildings should be in the centre of the country, but tough - and where would the UK be without a bunch of northern twats with huge chips on their shoulders?)

Tower of London

It towers three stories high - and at the time of its construction was the tallest tower on the planet. This is mainly because everyone lived in deep underground caverns back then and had no need for towers. It is twinned with Barad Dur.

The Tower is inhabited by ravens and it is very widely believed (that is to say, believed by very wide people) that, if they ever leave the tower, the kingdom will fall. In order to prevent this, the ravens' wings are clipped, their eyes ripped out, their beaks welded shut, and their feet manacled to the sturdy stone of the tower.

The "Beefeaters" that give tours at the Tower claim that they are the happiest ravens in all the world, although many put this down to the gin or the Mad Cow Disease.

Despite its name, the Tower is not in London, at all, which is in Ontario. Its actual location remains one of the world's great unsolved mysteries, as 'Merkins are not very good with YouTube maps.

It is said the ghosts of two princes walk the halls at night playing Rugby for South Africa. The princes were killed by Richard III after a drunken stupor at a local pub. The king appeared one night, wearing St George's flag around his neck and singing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. He then threw his nephews into a scrum packed with 300lbs men. There is no proof the princes were ever in the tower, however, and it is suspected they could come back to life as soon as England wins the World Cup. Which is to say, never. Warning - no parking.

Fast Warrior People of Ancient London

From 283 AD to 1750, the city of London (found in the mystic mountains of Tibet, the worlds largest Oyster exporters) was home to a mysterious clan of top hat wielding maniacs [1], known then as the Expediently Violent Chaps About Town, but today are recorded in history as The Fast Warrior People of Ancient London.

Very little was documented about this elusive, yet notably riotous bunch, excepting their love for boiled vegetables, pin-ups of the current ruling monarch, and oriental children. It is known that Charles Darwin [2] tried at one point to revive a custom practiced by the FWPAL's, the cutting of the flower.

This infamous tradition involved a young maiden, a cricket bat, a length of rope, some hedge trimmers, and took place in a garden. The young maiden would be stripped down bare, tied to stakes in the garden, and then beaten with the cricket bat unyielding until she was able to loosen her bonds, get to the hedge trimmers, and cut a tasteful - yet none too bold - selection of flowers for a bouquet. The bouquet would then be presented to the FWPAL's mams, who would make them meat pies, and then everyone would sit down for a lovely meal. Excepting, of course, the maiden, who would have to get back to the local elementary school before her students noticed she was gone.

Recently, the British government has passed a mandate addressing a sudden resurgence of the warrior tradition in London, which they now deem as Hooliganism, or Hooliganing, or even possibly Hooliganannery. The state and queen have levied strict punishments on any men seen taking part in activities that could be seen by any nation as Hooliganeriffic. Warning - no parking.

Though upsetting to find this sort of attitude still prevalent in our modern and advanced world of intellect and ethics, it is refreshing to find that the old fighting spirit of the South hasn't died in England. It in fact died in France in the late 19th century, after a long, painful and drawn out death. Old fighting spirit had apparently asked for citizens to refrain from drawing his death, but they didn't listen because, being an instinct of man and all, it couldn't speak.

Modern-day Londoners and the "God Complex"

Modern-day Londoners tend to follow the codes of "living life in the fast lane", "getting rich quick" and "being a complete fucking cunt at all times". They have little time to relax, not even for a cup of tea or a chat about the weather, and are in a permanent state of hyper-tension.

Many Londoners are also known to suffer from what psychologists term a "God Complex", symptoms of which include imagining that Oneself rules the universe, that all other people are inferior and deserve to be treated accordingly, and that One is absolutely perfect and above reproach.

Those suffering from a "God Complex" can often be spotted drinking on Friday and Saturday nights around any bars illuminated with neon lights and with exorbitant prices for alcohol. They have little interest in anything besides Themselves, money and material wealth. Other outward signs of a sufferer include walking around flashing wads of cash at all and sundry, especially tramps and beggars, driving cars with gold-laminated mud-flaps, and wearing designer pork-pie hats. When speaking, They often talk loudly and aggressively and take offence at anything which anybody outside Their sphere of worshippers says to Them. They are also fond of sniffing lines of sherbert.

A God Complex-sufferer's face is permanently contorted into a sneer, which signifies Their contempt for things which are below Them, ie everybody and everything else. They can occasionally be seen walking around on all-fours, the reason being that Their heads have become completely stuck up Their own arses.

Generally speaking, They are safe to approach, as long as you can handle an earful of abuse for anything which contravenes their "Holy Scriptures", such as standing on the left-hand side of the escalator, or asking Them what time it is without prefacing your remark with the Southern password : "Oi me old mucker".

In recent years, many white sufferers have been moving to multi-cultural areas such as Brixton, ostensibly to enhance Their own sense of how amazingly modern and "with it" They are. (Some conspiracy theorists argue however that the real reason is to drive out what they see as the "colonial low-life" in order to prepare for the establishment of a VERY WHITE "Heaven on Earth").

There is no generally accepted cure for the condition. Recommendations include: joining a local Victorian book-reading club, if only to meet and talk to people once a week; getting a part-time job in a kindergarten, thus having some "human contact" now and again; and overdosing on aspirin.

It should be noted that like the tribes of many other southern cities, Londoners are total twats. The ones who aren't twats are in London to study the art, but even they soon succumb, and within 2 or 3 years, have graduated with a degree in Twattery, and are thus ready for a lifetime and career of living in London and being a complete twat Brian Sewell. This is considered by some to be an achievement, others an incurable affliction.

Soon to be completed, is the 8 lane boundary called the M25 that is designed to keep Londoners in their ghetto by means of intensive traffic jams and badly-worded signs. It is hoped that by 2012 there will be so much traffic on the M25 it will be impossible to get on or off for anyone who cannot read a map (ie Londoners) causing London to congest itself to death.Warning - no parking.

Modern-day Londoners' "world-view"

In a recent survey, 82% of people in London actually thought that London was "the universe", and had no idea that anything existed outside of London. Of the remaining 18% who did know there was something outside London, the majority stated that it was completely irrelevant, crap, full of ignorant low-lifes and they couldn't give a shit.

The actual size ration of London to the Universe is 1:3.14159262 the remainder of the universe being inhabited by Jedis and Americans. Recently, a journalist was arrested and sent to a political re-education camp after he published this fact in the Evening Standard. Many Londoners were in complete agreement that the guy was totally insane. Others said he "must have got the numbers the wrong way round".

Big Londoners

Recently, the BBC they killed a baby goat to satan

London Underground

“Mind the Gap”

~ That annoying voice on Minding the Gap

London Underground is an addictive live role-playing game played by millions of Londoners every day beneath the streets of London. It's a damn RIP OFF - For the price of a single-journey ticket, "commuters" (as game participants are called) are armed with a laser gun and a truncheon. The aim of the game is to battle your way through the crowds of commuters to get to Mornington Crescent

Various spanners are thrown in the works by the managers in order to make the game more difficult and challenging for the role-player. These include:

• Trains breaking down in the middle of tunnels.
• Trains coming anywhere up to half an hour late, with no explanation or apology.
• Fines for having the wrong ticket.
• Unhelpful and occasionally abusive "station attendants".
• Poisonous air with little oxygen.
• Police officers who want to shoot you for looking a bit dodgy.
• Ungrateful transit employees going on strike and shutting the place down because they feel they are not paid enough to sit on their arse all day.
• A high likelihood of either being stabbed or having everything in you pockets stolen within minutes.

A recent survey by the mental health charity MIND concluded that the live-action game was immoral in that it bullies its players with such tactics and creates increased psychological stress, aggression and even mental breakdowns. They recommended that the game be banned on mental health grounds. A government health watchdog also said that chest and bronchial problems amongst Londoners had increased ten-fold since the introduction of the game, and recommended that tunnels be cleaned up "to prevent a potential public health catastrophe". London Underground was unavailable for comment as their media spokesman's train had broken down, and their deputy commissioner had been taken to hospital suffering from chest spasms.

Major(ish) Landmarks of London

Big Ben

Big Ben can usually be found in one of the plethora of cafes in central London. His favourite drink is Earl Grey, and his height is 7'3".

Big ben was first assembled in Romania. As such, he runs two hours ahead of local time. In fact, he runs ahead of everybody. His bells ring periodically to remind Londoners of this fact.

Various Tramps

These horrible looking people clutter the nicer parts of London in order to try and gain money for christ knows what (any form of solvents or drug I think) They often sing or play a guitar badly. It's important to remember, they are a part of what makes London shit and do not confuse them with the more common begger. At least they actually try to earn their pennys as opposed to just pester tourists for it! Also see Busker

Public Toilets

Fancy a hand-shandy with a stranger who looks like your old Geography teacher? Get yourself in my son!

Tower Bridge

A bridge that looks like an unravelled carousell. It is not called London Bridge in order to confuse the next 'Merkin millionaire who wants to buy it and ship it to the desert.

The British Museum

When your empire stretches over the whole world and you can steal her treasures, you'll have a damned fine museum too.

Buckingham Palace

This is where the Queen lives on occasions. Buckingham palace is where the world is actually ruled from. This is usually kept secret as The Empire was supposedly turned into the commonwealth in 2003 but this is only a front to keep people happy while the Queen makes even more money from after dinner speeches and handbag-swinging on the town hall steps. The King (Elvis) may also be found in the Buckingham palace auditorium.

This place is also a target for everyone in London. Whilst there, if you succeed in the challenge of breaking in, you must then proceed to find as much valuable stuff as possible and the game is take as much as you can before you hear guns and sirens.

The Great Pyramids of Egypt

Yes, They're in London, surprised? we were too. Why should you be? Every single important monument is there!

The London Eye

A huge wheel floating above the Thames it is made from 100% recycled London landmarks such as The Dome, Battersea Power Station and London buses. People come from miles around just for a "flight" in this big boring old Ferris wheel. The Eye is owned by British Airways who want to advertise low fare flights to top European cities - "London to London for just 14.99!!"

Tokyo tower

A small tower located in Tokyo, a small island located within London Underground, created by those who were stuck in a train that stopped halfway through a tunnel, after finding their pockets empty.

Sam's house

Situated in Streatham this magnificent example of 1800's architecture rises high above the surrounding buildings at an astounding height of 7765 metres.

The Gherkin

This was originally going to be called the 'Merkin because it is fat and you can see it from wherever you are.

A giant monument, having the shape of a glass dildo, commemorating some pickled Swiss bankers. Speculation suggests that the well known Ann Summers corporation may soon purchase the building for use as a manufacturing plant for it's popular Rampant Rabbit product. The Gherkin is the first in a series of buildings that will soon include the Pickled Onion, The Cucumber, The Stuffed Olive and the Nacho.mmmmmmmmmmm pie

The Royal festival hall

Built on the basis that large square grey lumps of concrete will raise Londoners' spirits even more than a self-congratulatory episode of Eastenders. After it had achieved this, the government used it for testing atomic devices.

Nelson's Column

Ha, Ha! we beat the French again - I know; let's build a statue to remind them of it. (See also Waterloo Station , the original Eurostar terminus.)

Nelson's Colon

In order to illustrate the digestive system of great leaders (don’t ask why). 'cause we dont know.

Bendy buses

Otherwise known as "rolling road-blocks", these huge single-decker buses are used to slow down London's traffic, as well as randomly setting on fire to harm players playing the "Completely crap public transport that was just made so ken Livingstone can make a fortune" expansion pack for the widely known game London Underground. Before their introduction, London's roads averaged a heady 11 miles per hour, but are now down to a safer 3 m.p.h.- the same as they were in 1394 when farmers were allowed to drive sheep and cattle through the streets.In fact, London's traffic is now so slow that it is the first country in the world to introduce parking tickets to people stuck in jams.

Old Trafford

Yes, believe it or not the majority of Manchester United fans are from the middle east, so it makes sense that Old Trafford was moved to the centre of the universe. This move will take place tomorrow.

Hoodlum's Alley

Situated just off New Cross Road Hoodlum's Alley is home to a large number of street kids of all ethnic backgrounds. By day the alley is considered only a level 4, or "Fred West" danger level. However by night it is one of the most dangerous areas in London, constituting a level 5, or Harold Shipman on a boating holiday with Ted Bundy" level of danger. As many foolish tourists, who believe that London contains something woth visiting in December (particularly Americans, who forget that the reason they had a revolution was because they were bored of the whiny ones three thousand miles away telling them what to do), will tell you, Hoodlum's Alley is the epicentre of London Cuwlcha. See also Coffee Shop Of Chav, and Gangbang Gutter.

The Barbican Centre

A beautiful village containing some of the most exquisite paper furniture this side of Essex.

People

At least one person in London is named Bob, although it has been rumoured that there may be as many as three.

By contrast, at least seven, including everyone called Bob, are known as Bruce.

Cockneys are infamous for being really loud. They will most likely say things like "Diet Coke is for fat people initt?!" just before you buy a diet coke. Then shout "Weh" when they see you with it. Or say "Jog on".See also Ian Dury.

Chavs, a group of usually young boys and young girls with baby push chairs who wear Burberry plaid apparel and "Nickelson" shirts with their collar standing, they can sometimes be found wearing track suits and Reebok trainers although they've never seen the inside of a gym before. They normally occupy the benches outside McDonalds or KFC. Most of them have been awarded by the Queen the High Honour of ASBO. Once a year they all get together and attend the "who's on the most benefits" conference, at the Burger King in West King Road in London.

Nasty people

Apart from regular cockneys, people who live there pearly kings and Reggie Kray types, there exists a new breed - the rudeboy happyslapper.

This specimen gains delight from randomly attacking people (usually by slapping his small flaccid microphallus in the victim's eye) whilst a companion films the incident on his mobile telephone. Rudeboy happyslappers live in the shittier parts of London - most notably Shepherd's Bush, Peckham, Holland Park and Mayfair. As with terrorists they come in a multitude of guises - one should take as much care with a chav wearing Burburry as a pinstripped banker.

"Ghetto" language

This is the tongue of the aforementioned "Rudeboys" and also the lesser known "Rudegirls", of whom the vast majority are, politically-correctly speaking: "dark people". Here is a rude language translator for some of the most common phrases, though there seem to be new words invented every few nanoseconds so not all can be covered. Never mention to a rudeboy that he does not actually live in a ghetto, even when it is quite obvious the UK doesn't have any ghettos. You may not live to tell the tale. Beware also of speaking with any of these phrases to proper Laandaners, who will probably launch a vicious physical assault on you for the bastardisation of the English language.

Warning: The following ghetto language translator may be disturbing to those of upper-middle class or above and those of a nervous disposition. Side effects may include nausea, dizziness, fatigue, extreme anger and the irrepressable urge to purge the city of these so-called "rudeboys" defiling the gene-pool. Read on at your own risk. Uncyclopedia accepts no responsibility for any injuries you may sustain subsequent to reading the following.

• "aye dat ride be proper safe blud" - Your automobile is rather eye-catching my friend, if you don't mind me saying.
• "wa Gawn" "Wa Gwanin" - what's up , what's going on
• "Star" - Short for gangstar can be used in conjunction with "wa Gwan"
• "You're gonna get murked" - You will experience a severely sharp object being inserted into your body.
• "I'm gonna blaps you up" - I am going to give you a severe beating.
• "Brap brap! Thas how we do it in da E13!!" - Yes sir, I believe the area I come from is far superior to the shanty town from which you hail.
• "I'll mash your face up" - You may need some plastic surgery soon, old chap!
• "Cuz", "Blud", "Blad" "Man" and "Bruv" - Terms used for anyone, friend or foe. "Man" can also refer to one's self. See below.
• "Naaah, that ain't serious!" - I find this rather unfair.
• "Nah bruv, he bare boyed you out" - I believe that young man just insulted your mother.
• "Don't have it cuz, don't have it!" - He insulted you. Now he must pay.
• "Sick" - Can mean either good or bad, depending on how expression is placed upon the word.
• "Man's gettin' Vex" - I am becoming rather irritated. "Man" can also refer to someone else. See above.
• "Cold" - That was a tad bit harsh.
• "Bredrin", "Crew", "Man demz", "Gal Demz", "Homeslice" (can be shortened to "Homies")- A name for any associates.
• "Wasteman" - Not, (surprisingly) referring to bin-men. It means a young man who is of no use to society.
• "Wastegash" - Same as above, but a young lady.
• "Bare" - Meaning extremely or incredibly, or a lot of, for example "That's bare cold" (that was extremely harsh) or "He 'ad bare crack, blad" (he had rather a large amount of cocaine).
• "Jack" - To steal.
• "Menz" - Plural of Blad. Surprisingly can apply to women.
• "Allow me yo phone, man" - Let me borrow your phone. There is an underlying tone of "If you don't let me borrow your phone I'll take it from you anyway and maybe I'll just forget to give it back..."
• "Blad, what you got for me?" - I want to rob you of all your worldly possessions.
• "What ends you from?" - I do believe we have an intruder.
• "I'll get ma shank on you blud." - I'm afraid I am going to have to cut you with my knife if you do not obey to my commands.
• "Cum den." - I challenge you to a fight (A primitive version of "Come on then.")
• "Bus me ya fone blad, or i'll pop-up bang ya!" - Would you mind possibly handing me your phone otherwise there might be dire consequences.
• "Tru dat innit bredrin" - That is very true isn't it my friend
• You're no where near my G and your girl's going round like an STD - You are not as good as me and your girl is overtly friendly with men.
• "Jam your hype" - Calm down.
• "W'amchu.." - What happened to you? (What went wrong?)
• "Bun dat" - That's not a good idea... lets forget about it
• "Gully" - Gangster (such areas described as gully could include Neasden)
• "Man's holdin! Come we suck dat breh" - I believe that chap is carrying marijuana. Shall we remove the contents off him and keep it?"
• "Spark dat zoot fam" - Please light that joint my friend.
• "Watch when I leng dat mali" - That damned somalian won't be laughing when I shoot him
• "Oyster card" - Prepayment card for cheap teenage prostitutes.

The Knees Up (Lambeth Walk)

At any place and at almost any time a knees up can occur. Originating in the early 15th century with the uprising of the Ant Kingdom, cockneys found that they could not only evade their insect nemeses but also crush their attempted uprising. Later that day, after the ants had flee (or lost interest) the cockneys continued having the knees up long into the night, many say out of joy, many others say out of ignorance to the departure of the ants. It became an annual tradition that the cockneys liked so much; they made it into a daily one.

The knees up has long since been used to bond, entertain, resolve differences and riot. Mostly occurring in pubs and involving such classics as “Knees up Mother Brown” and “Cockney Bin man” the events are a hybrid between a barn dance and an orgy. Usually accompanied by a man on a piano playing an upbeat melody at irrational speed the event can last for hours as the cockneys dance the night away. After a knees up, anything that had gone before has widely been forgotten, such as differences, schemes and progress.

Knees ups are not limited to pubs however, as any mention of a knees up, anywhere, can trigger one. One should be extremely cautious when using the phrase. When a knees up starts somewhere outside a pub, a piano generally rolls in from a nearby area (with a man playing it on a stool with wheels) and people come running from all over London to join.

The longest recoded knees up occurred in 1945 when, after the end of the war, the cockneys conducted a knees up that lasted for two years. This ultimately led to the collapse of the British Empire. (See also "Dahn at the old Bull and Bush", "Knees Up, Muvva Brahn", "Maybe It's Becawse I'm a Londonaar" and most Chas and Dave songs.

People who are not named Bob

• Richard Widmark
• Tiny Dan the Bear
• Richard Widmark
• "Fat bloke" (from the local boozer)
• Richard Widmark
• Ronald McDonald
• Richard Widmark
• Purple ronnie
• Richard Widmark
• Steve the thief
• Richard Widmark
• Marc the slasher
• Richard Widmark
• Richard Widmark
• Richard Widmark
• Richard Widmark
• Tony Blackburn
• Your local builder, make sure you do not make this mistake.
• David Lytton-Sarazin
• Saul Hill
• Richard Widmark
• Saint Swibbins
• Geeza McGeezin
• It is believed that Michael Davie lives here. Though it can't be confirmed.
• Oscar Wilde was once thought to live within London, but was probably due to crabs.
• Jed, you know, the bloke with the sideburns and the fit girlfriend.
• Richard Widmark
• Of course, everyone knows that Bob's your aunt
• Spit The Dog
• Moses, the guy with all those funny costumes.
• Sam 'n' Nemo
• Jesus
• Beefy Bill
• Richard Widmark
• Stevland Snapples, the dwarf who hides apples.
• Lee Cook
• Blend it wif a bit of salt, son.
• Gary (Who's got a bike and a skateboard)
• Richard Widmark
• bob (dont mock me u noob)
• blend it wif a bit of pepper son.
• Richard Widmark

Government

London has tried all possible variants of government - from street party committees upwards: the current government and its leader are the reincarnations of the previous ones after a 14 year blank (Mind the gap): a previous version was a byword for corruption.

the government screwed me up now i am a retarded badger

Sights

• Tha Old Geeza's house
• House of Nerds
• Big Bend Over
• The British Library
• SOHO Library and "Cultural" films Collection
• Birmingham Hippodrome
• London Bridge (collapse imminent)
• Madam Clouseau's Musuem
• 69 Downing Street
• Secret Masonic Underground HQ
• Imperial College London
• All those fucking cunts
• Stonehenge Zen Garden
• the A1
• Slappa Alley

Getting around

The best way to get around London is to use the Tube Socks. However, keep in mind that the employees of the London Underground system are all lazy fucking useless c***s. You can also swim the Thames to avoid meeting these people. London has the best taxi service in the world. Drivers must learn the streets and routes for 3 years before being given their badge. They ride rickshaws around the west end and will cheerily collect fares whatever the weather, sometimes to the annoyance of "black cabs", which are small limosines, very expensive and best avoided. Often, these smell of vomit and/or urine, especially during the Chrismas period.

Accommodation

Council Estates, Tesco Storefronts, Bus Shelters, floor. Take your pick.

Travel Advice

According to the London Tourist Board, if you are considering travelling to London you will need the following items to survive.

• Cockney translator
• Twelve gold pieces
• A face like a smacked arse
• Total disdain for all other human life
• A Cabby-Speeche Comprehenffion & Guidance Booke
• The Sword of a Thousand Truths
• Crone repellant
• A bag of kittens for bartering
• Hackney Sandwich
• A tendency to overact if trying out for Eastenders.
• Cocaine and/or assorted pills
• A big bag or sweets or alcohol to feed the local wildlife
• Cyanide
• An STD to scare away rapists.
• A shank

Well known London areas

• Downing Street
• Brixton
• Dartmouth Park
• KENTISH (Kentish Town)
• Catford
• Ilford
• Woolwhich
• California
• Dulwich ('Where The Middle Classes And Faux-Chavs Attempt To Cohabit')
• Plumstead
• West Ham
• Acton
• Herman Li's hair
• Finsbury
• Sir David Frost
• Thamsmead
• New Cross
• Lewisham
• Barking (woof woof)
• Wales
• Hackney
• Streatham
• Stabham
• Tower Hamlets
• Penge ("the arsehole of the universe")
• Peckham ("the devil's toilet")
• St. Reatham
• Chavstsbury
• South Harrow
• New Malden
• Wormwood Scrubs Gentlemans Establishment
• Nemerous Crack Houses/Brothels
• Clap, where stepping off the tube you will catch a pleasant STD!
• Nelson Mandela House
• Bexleyheath

See also

• Tourist Trap
• Friendliness
• Cockernees
• Mornington Crescent
• London, Kentucky Unyclopedia Wikipedia even claims its existence.