Scotland Yard

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Scotland Yard is the headquarters of the UK Police Farce in London.

Note that Scotland Yard is much bigger than your own back yard

Land was set aside for Scotland Yard after the inhabitants of Scotland correctly deemed that the best place to co-ordinate Law Enforcement was as far away from Scotland as possible.

The name "Scotland Yard" is derived from the unit of measurement and owing to the fact that a Scottish yard is approximately 496 miles long; thus it was perfect for placement in central London as this required the wholesale destruction of previously held Chav estates.

Scotland Yard is protected round the clock by a specialist division of butchers, who are known as Beefeaters.


England has had a bill of rights for its citizens since the Magna Carta was wrung by its leading warlords from King Ethelred the VIIth in exchange for some turnips. The Crown soon realised that this meant that its previously reliable policing methods, generally involving torture and removal of unnecessary bodily appendages, could no longer be used. A prisoner could, when threatened with the loss of Mr Nobby, merely say "Magna Carta" and be threatened by nothing more vicious than removal of his daily maggot ration.

A solution to this problem was found when Scotland became part of the United Kingdom. As Scotland had no such sissy charter, a small part of London, previously known as Garbollocks Close, was officially ceded to Scotland as an overseas territory and renamed Scotland Yard. The same occurred with Denmark and Benmark. As Scotland had no overseas territories that it knew about, Scotland Yard did not join the United Kingdom with the rest of Scotland and hence did not fall under the jurisdiction of the Magna Carta. Criminals within its confines could therefore be subject to any reasonable interrogation methods.

In the 1880s Scotland Yard had a rather spectacular murders by Jack the Ripper who was in fact the Chief Constable of the time, Bobby Peeler. The murders ended suddenly in 1973 when Peeler was apprehended by striking miners led by tranvestite rocker Arthur Scargill. Peeler was nicked in the bogs of Scotland Yard (Exmoor) and soon after was elevated to the House of Lords by Margaret Snatcher. Since then Scotland Yard has been featured regularly in programmes such as Crimewatch UK which features the large amount of crime committed there.

Present Day[edit]

Scotland Yard still acts as the headquarters of the UK Police Force. In an attempt to avoid terrorist threats, Scotland Yard commissioned a revolving sign from artist Sharon Eminem and installed it outside the Iranian Embassy. Thus most news reporters and the viewing public are convinced that Scotland Yard is a large concrete office building representing the best of modern British policing. In reality it is a jumbled collection of patched up buildings, architecturally of all dates and yet none, with a permanent staff of twelve. The work is said to be ill-paid, unpleasant and yet curiously addictive. The more palatable side of British policing send their hardened criminals, or those suspected of offences such as the unlicensed dumping of apple cores, to The Yard. Criminals go in, information, confessions and surprisingly successful brands of chicken sausages and garden fertilizer come out.