Canada

Dominion of Parliamentarily-correct Canada Canadian Federation Against Global Warming and Beneficial Effects on Terrestrial Environment Can-a-doi
Flag	Coat of Arms
	Motto: "Always Fresh, Always Tim Horton's"
	Anthem: "The Hockey Song"
Capital	Iqaluit
Largest city	Torontonia Forest, with 4-5 million beavers. Also Mississauga
Official language(s)	English, French, Inuit, Sami, Icelandic, and various mixes, in perfect proportion enforced by regulation
Government	Hockeyism
Queen	Kim Jong Il
‑ Prime Minister	Sidney Crosby
Declaration; of Independence	Whenever The United Kingdom forgot it was a colony.
Currency	Beaver Scrotums, Tim Bits
Religion	Eh-theism
Hours of; operation	24 hours a day (24½ in Newfoundland)

Canada, also known as America's Hat, Soviet Canuckistan, or The Shizzle North of Hizzle, but more commonly known as the Great White North, is situated somewhere near the inconsequential continental U.S.A., and slightly south of the North Pole. The United Nations has managed to narrow it down further to not only north of the U.S. but also up, eh?

To answer the question the entire world is asking, yes, Canada has an Army, and no, Canada doesn't know about it. Canadians are known for their peacefulness and politeness in distressing situations, such as during a war or hockey playoffs. The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting.

The unanimously^[1] agreed upon capital of Canada is Toronto, although a small number of government offices are located in the far less important city of Ottawa. Proposals made entirely and only by Torontonians have been made to move said offices to Toronto, but have yet to be approved. The city has considered separating from the country because of this. The rest of Canada, meanwhile, continues to think that Toronto "blows" and that the city's curling team, the Leafs, "suck".

The world sees Canada as America's dorky half brother. Canada and the USA share a common mother, that being England, but while America's father was apparently Jesus, Canada's was France. While little brother Canada may not be able to throw the ball as far as its "cool" older half-brother America, Canada can at least find itself on a map (of course, Canada finds itself by locating the USA and going north, much like Mexicans find America by locating Mexico and going north).

Canada does it exist, eh?

Modern Canada, as distinguished from America, revolves around the elements of 'eh?' , 'aboot' and 'anyways'. Many people allege that Canada doesn't even exist, and for everyone in the world that's just aboot good enough. Sarah Palin has stated that she gained international experience by being a friendly neighbor to Russia. Since a really long border with Canada doesn't count for international experience, one easily concludes that Canada is the equivalent of New Mexico. Canadians have no distinguishing odor, appearance, or ethnic foods - making them undistinguished from anyone from Wisconsin or Maine. Lack of identifying marks or their own barrio in New York is further evidence that Canada is a mystical magical land where fairies and The Kraken live in peaceful harmony. Canada is the 2nd largest county in the world.

People and politics

The vast majority of Canuckistanians are actually invincible, impotent superheroes, invested with a variety of superpowers ranging from looking at TV or computer screens for entire weeks in winter to understanding the rules of hockey using telepathy and superhuman intelligence. For this reason, Canadians don't need any form of government or even a military, since every single guy next door can either stop bullets in mid-air or cut through buildings using energy blast from their eyes, but usually they end up playing video games on their computers most of the time since no nation is crazy enough to attack such an intimidating and powerful county in Montana as Canada.

In 1952, the Canadian Air Force bioengineered all Canadians into developing resistance to the harsh winters. The technology involved beautiful fur growing out of their skin during the winter time, that really offers no thermal protection but is solely for repelling mosquitoes. This resulted in thousands of hunters from USA confusing Canadians for bears every winter, therefore explaining why Canada is so underpopulated.

Geography

An artist's impression of where Canada might be.

To speak of Canada's geography is to speak of the great swells of beaver that infest the land. Claims regarding topography are simply guesswork, as the mass of beavers quite literally covers the entire country, is constantly shifting and smells like tuna. Unfortunately for Canadian geographers (Gordy and Clark) the Canadian Royal Mounted Government of Canada has declared the beaver to be the nation's primary national defense system (the Canadian Armed Forces of Canada, being unarmed, unclothed and for the most part, already overseas on UN tours or backpacking around Europe, aren't generally of use for defense, beaver-assisted or otherwise). Attempts to penetrate the beaver-mass have only resulted in bloodshed and the great Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar wars of 1946, 1949 and 1952. These are unrelated to the Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar war of 1948 that was started by a disagreement over whether Red Green was funny or not^[2].

A typical Canadian residential backyard. Note some "bushes" in the back.

Lacking any evidence whatsoever to substantiate their claim, prominent beaver geologists Jean, Manon and François from Abitibi theorize that the actual land of Canada starts aboot 7 feet under the level of the ocean, and that the massive weight of beavers has slowly pushed the majority of the country below sea level. Additionally they say that the beaver mass has pushed the majority of sea level below sea level, thus robbing the Netherlands of their God-given right to have seas to drain and make polders, eh.

“Le Canada? Quelques arpents de neige... On ne sauve pas les écuries quand le feu est à la maison.”
~ Voltaire on talking about Canada in beautiful French for a change

An early French remark aboot Canada dismisses it as "a few acres of snow". This, of course, is a gross understatement as it is common knowledge today that Canada is 99% uninhabited by any creature other than Polar Bears, snowmen, and the famed Canadian Moose.

As much as Canadians hate to admit it, Canada is part of North America which is part of America and therefore Canada is part of America. Therefore Canadians are Americans, just as an English person is European. Everyone knows Canadians have terrible nightmares every night coming to grips with this terrible fact but please, deal with it!

Canada's Diverse Variousness

Downtown Toronto: Canada's most impressive skyline.

Canada's geography is both diverse and varied: so much so that even its diversified areas are filled with diversity and have different levels or gravity. Trees plague the Canadian landscape to such an extent that most Canadian men can get wood on demand.

Granted, most of that various diverseness simply applies to moose and beavers that look slightly different from one another due to inbred mutations, but hey, it's something at least.

Right Side

The bit on the right is lumpy and cold and used to grow many, many fish: most of which taste like shit (turbot, cod, tuna, cod, rubber boots, cod and whatnot^[3]). Massive overfishing has reduced the fish haul to essentially nil, although the pitiful remaining catch thankfully still tastes like shit, lord t'underin' Jesus! The right bit now produces only music, which is good but topically confined to bemoaning the demise of ships in the shitty tasting fish industry, coal (which has also been overfished into extinction), booze (which is rapidly being depleted by the slogan "Drink Canada Dry"), and pogey (a Canadian name for being paid by the government to work one month and sing for eleven). The Right Side only has 2% of normal gravity.

Slightly Left of the Right Side

Just to the west of the east lays the vibrant and cold Canadian Shield. Not an actual shield, it is covered with French Canadians on the right and Torontonians on the left. On the right no one is happy: not the french, nor Canadian, not even the ones that are a bit of both. To their left are the Torontoites: these people insist that they are the cultural and economic center of Canada^[4]. Both Quebecers and Torontoners believe that they are popular people. In this they are half right (people, yes. Popular, not so much). Slightly Left of the Right Side has the most gravity of all of Canada, 36%.

The RCMP, Canada's police force.

Left of the Left of the Right Side, But not Quite Exactly Centred

Between that and the Rockies (not the rocks of the Canadian Shield, but a set of really big rocks called the Rockies) lay the prairies, whose coldness is matched only by their flatness, and whose flatness is matched only by there boringness. The whole area is festering with grain and cows. Part of it is even lucky enough to squirt oil, which is both tasty and nutritious. The Albertonians and their giant belt buckles have long claimed that this oil is proof of their god-given dominance of the country. Saskatchewanites and Manitobers, having no oil of their own (exempt canola), disagree. Left of the Left of the Right Side, But not Quite Exactly Centred has no gravity from March to June and the rest of the year has only 0.3% of gravity.

Northish

He's not smiling. His face is frozen.

North of the rest of Canada is the coldest and least warm area. Not much is known aboot the Canadian north as it is both cold and not warm simultaneously, which is a bitch if you have to take a leak^[5]. It is almost confirmed that Superman's hideout is here. But even Superman won't admit it. This area is only populated by Inuit and Eskimo, who live in primitive igloos half-starved on a diet of baby seals and walrus oil; and the polar bears that hunt them, which are fat and healthy and live in tundra caves complete with central air, hot tubs, and T3 internet connectivity thanks to fat government grants. The Northish has about 6.66% of gravity. In addition the lack of fresh food, drinking water, and wi-fi make the region unlivable to all but the stupidest individual with no facebook.

The Most Leftest Bit

The leftmost (or "west-est") side of Canada is permanently shrouded in mist, cloud and rain, and only good for growing pot... and that's all you need to know.^[6] The Most Leftest Bit has 16% of gravity.

Politics

Parliament Hill, Canada's version of God's waiting room

Canada's political system is a unique mix of homegrown political ideologies^[7], blended with some basic principles imported from Great Britain and the United States, combined in a mishmash to form what could best be described as a democratic farce. That is to say, Canada's government is in fact a quasi-benevolent form of tyranny.

The ruling party, currently the Conservative Party of Canada, is "elected" in consecutive five year terms. Eventually Canadian citizens grow weary of the crooks that they elected and boot them out, replacing them with newer, less experienced crooks.

Unlike its neighbour to the South, Canada uses a multi-party political system that is based upon the idea that it's best to put the morons in charge, where you can keep an eye on them. This is a variation of the American system of two parties of morons, and another in charge.

"Dear Leader"

The leader of the party and thus the country, known as the "Prime Minister" is drawn from a small pool of old, white men, who have given various favours to people more powerful than themselves for a period of twenty to thirty years. Because of this lifestyle, the Prime Minister will most definitely have a drinking problem, and will often be in the final drippy stage of syphilis. A Prime Minister will often partake in self-destructive behaviour such as meeting with Premiers, hanging out with Bono, and signing either NAFTA or the Kyoto Accord. His principal responsibilities involve setting policy to ensure that his party colleagues may continue wallowing in the public trough; representing Canada overseas through diverse diplomatic or 'fact finding' missions, such as determining the price of a banquet for 300 in Paris, or the expense of chartering large aircraft; and, being the first against the wall when the revolution comes.

Overall the Prime Minister helps Canadians. He just happens to help those Canadians that help him more. He also has the power to appoint approximately 2.5 million other officials, including every member of the cabinet, senate, privy council, supreme court, CBC board of directors, Newfoundland park council, and the Hamilton quilting society. In fact, every Canadian citizen has one form of government job or another^[8].

An example of what Canadian children are taught during Social Studies class by their famously unbiased teachers.

One quirk with Canadian constitution is that, in contrast to Article II of the US Constitution which requires that the US President be born in the US, Canadian law states that its head of state must be born in Quebec. However as all so-called Canadian "laws", it's more of a suggestion, so if one or two Canadian Prime Ministers turn out to not be from Quebec, they're sorry, eh?

Diplomatic relations

Education, eh?

Canada's education system consistently ranks in top three for the universe, and is known for turning out such famous individuals such as Jesus Christ.

The secret to Canada's wild success in educating their masses? The truth is rather simple, the children all pass because the teachers are only capable of giving one grade: an "Eh?"

Economy

Canadian currency is the first in the world to be 100% paper-safe: it's made of Skittles.

The backbone of Canadian exports used to be Celine Dion, along with lumberjacks, rocks, and sticks. The frontbone, on the other hand, was formed of bacon bits and gnarly cheese products.

Proprietary rights to the word "eh" was also a huge boom to the economy. Sadly for Canadians worldwide, "eh" has fallen into the public domain, thus depriving them of beer money, eh?

The Canadian dollar^[9], a small piece of metal with little monetary value (currently running aboot 105¢ US), is affectionately called "the Loonie." There is a good reason for this. It has nothing to do with birds (although both contain chocolate if you peel off the outer coating). Conversely, the two dollar coin is called a "Toonie". This is because Bugs Bunny is featured on the reverse.

Canada is also the only country with currency to feature a queen with a bear behind^[10].

Canada is finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the credit crunch as its only export is maple syrup

Exports

People thanking Canada for not showing up at the Vancouver Olympics.

Currently the primary export of Canada is a combination of beaver pix and yellow flavored snow cones.

Imports

Currently the primary imports of Canada are anything the Americans are willing to give them. This often consists of a rare breed of nice American.

Unlikely to what you might think, those are not mountains. Those are Canada's boobs. When it gets horny from winning at hockey, they erupt lakes.

This includes boots, snowshoes, canned goods, "nice Americans" and empties. Typically when donations are received by a charity such as Good Will or the Salvation Army for distribution to the Great White North, they are passed on to those Canadians that are afflicted with winter malaise (that would be all of them).

In short, Canada's economy rivals even those of powerhouses like North Korea, Afghanistan, Antarctica and most of the countries in Africa.

In short, short, Canada has no economy.

Climate

Unlike its half-brother to the south, Canada has only two seasons: winter, and construction. Construction is considered to have arrived when the Toronto Maple Leafs are eliminated from the playoffs. Construction is by far the shortest season, because it begins when all the snow melts, and ends with the first snowfall. As a result of this, construction usually ends aboot one month before it begins. Winter, of course, begins with the start of the NHL season.

In recent years, construction season has been arriving earlier and earlier, possibly as a result of global warming according to Torontonianiters, however the rest of Canada (yes, both of them) believe that this is due to excessive Maple Leafs suckiness.

The Canadian President Don Cherry, (with hockey player soldiers) is the commander-in-chief of the Canadian forces.

Jack Layton "walking" on his way home in Toronto's Danforth subway station.

People

On the right, most people are called 'Buddy', 'Moose Jockey', or 'Moy Son', in the middle, 'Gord' or 'Y'all', and the left 'Chong' or 'Dude'. For more info, see Canadian, Canadians, or Canada/People.

It has also been noted, that a study in late 2006, that a well known Canadian scholar (which is similar to the equivalent of an American elementary school drop-out) has proved that Canadians are a sure sign that reverse evolution is possible.

Canadians are commonly called "gringos" by those living in the US.

Canadians - Gravity = eh

Many people think that Eh is an accent made in Canada, but the truth is that because Canada has such little gravity, it puts less strain on the Canadian people's mouths. When they come down south to normal gravity, their mouths have more strain and the sound eh comes out.

Metric System

Language

Tourism

Conservative lies-powered tram trolley in Toronto. Note that the more they lie, the longer it gets in size.

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan hosts it's "Annual Beaver Fever Days" during the three days in summer when it snows less than ten centimetres. The A.B.F.D. involves drunk ladies showing drunk men their "upper girly parts"^[11] and the men giving the ladies scarves in return.

Toronto, Ontario used to host an event similar to the A.B.F.D., the major difference being the substitution of scarves with syphilis.

The Saskatchewan portion of the Great TransCanada Highway #1 of Canada is a must see for any visitor. It travels approximately 3,800Km (1200 miles) through an endless salt flat in summer and an endless snow flat in winter, the latter of which lasts from July 10 to June 15. The highway is distinguishable from the surrounding salt flat by means of potholes. No one knows where potholes come from, but they are uniquely Canadian and possibly result from beaver burrowing, although the the paranoid lefties at the CBC insist that the USAF uses the highway as a bombing range on the sly. Aboot 228Km (700 miles) north of Beaverton, Saskatchewan, anyone awake in the vehicle will notice a sign pointing to the left across a salt flat, with the words "point of interest". This is a good place to stop, because although no one has discovered what the point of interest is, there is a public toilet there. It's only open during the summer.

Note to tourists: The 2nd amendment in Canada is the right to refer to ice hockey as hockey. So it's probably best to leave things like this at home.

Winnipeg is currently renowned as the 'Fat Chick Capital of the World', for those tourists who are into that kind of thing. Care should be taken to distinguish the plump, sexy moosies, from the other sort of moose, since human/moose hybrids are frowned upon in Canada (as opposed to human/beaver hybrids, which are strictly encouraged. See Pamela Anderson.) Citizens found in violation are usually deported to Alabama, where this sort of thing is considered 'normal'.

Iqaluit is a popular beach resort destination known for its really, really hot climate and nudist beaches.

The remainder of Canada is currently closed due to renovations. These improvements include the ongoing battle with the polite but deadly beaver, the creation of Beaver Reserves and (although gambling in any form remains illegal) beaver-themed casinos. These changes hope to lure more Americans across the border, for bait using the sinful combination of real beer and strippers that get naked all over. Success of the beerbaiting will be cheered by both sides of the border as The American Tourist is approaching endangered status due to their charm not translating well in foreign countries. Also, the Canadian Parliament^[12] of Canada ("parliament" being an archaic British term meaning roughly, "$3 whore in a $3,000 suit") requires American currency to purchase Blackcat firecrackers and Bottlerockets from the Mexicans to fulfill their 1966 election promise of increased cold war military spending.

History

Canada has a history: hundreds of years of trees, rivers, wheat, french guys, english guys, war, the Indian Act, etc. See Canada/History for a more interesting, but less true version of Canadian History.

An average Canadian.

A slightly more average Canadian, along with a super average American.

Recent History

The U.N. says that Canada is the best country in the world to live; Canadians agree because to Canada the U.N. embodies the highest ideals of democracy - it gives everyone a voice, it rules entirely by committee and is therefore completely impotent (just like Canada).

It has slowly been moving away from the USA in all things (except for trivial things such as trade, culture, language, vices, physical distance, etc.), and has thusly become a country with pride for its beaver and moose population (though notably not its citizens). Canada is, in fact, well on its way to passing Mexico as the world's best nation that shares a land border with the USA.

Future

The world map when Canada goes crazy

When Stephen Harper and US president Hillary Clinton have a chick fight Harper goes crazy and invades the US, but leaves their penis (no one wants that). Later when s/he goes through menopause he starts invading the rest of the world. When Harper gets over menopause s/he stops invading the world.

Canada's Military

Quotes

“I make the snow in Canada.”
~ Peter North

“I wish I was Canadian, from there I can get to America!”
~ Facundo from Argentina

“Wow, and I thought peanuts were boring.”
~ Jimmy Carter

“Canadians are nuts...and believe me, I know crazy.”
~ Pat Buchanan

“Boreal forest, Snow.”
~ Les Stroud

Who wants to wave our proud flag, eh? Moi! Moi!

“I thought that was Iceland.”
~ George W. Bush

“Jeez! I froze my toes!”
~ Rocket Richard

“But anyone could miss Canada! Tucked all the way down there...”
~ Homer Simpson

“I'm sorry.”
~ Canadians

Canadian Inventions

Canadians support the war against the war against terror.

See Canada/Inventions for the many useful and exciting things that were invented by Canadians that ended up only being profitable after their inventors sold them to that American asshole Thomas Edison.

Cities

Canadian cities are renowned for their vibrant night-life, exquisite traffic control, and huge fiberglass statues of big insects, fish, bunnies, platypi, octapoda, and other totem animals enshrined by each city as mascots.

Footnotes

The most common road sign in Canada.

^ It should be noted that the Canadian Air Force of Canada recently purchased state-of-the-art british engineered submarines from the UK in order to finally surpass the submarine complement of the West Edmonton Mall. Unfortunately it will be some time before the Canadian navy can declare them operational as, due to extreme flammability issues when immersed in water, the new subs are required to wear large condoms.
^ Normally for Canada "unanimous" means "the province of Ontario and parts of Quebec", but in this case "unanimous" means "people from Toronto".
^ The "nots" won. The Red Green Show (later called The New Red Green Show and The New New Red Green Show) was on for forty-three more seasons anyway, despite the fact that it is impossible to watch Red Green on a black & white television. It then changed it's name to Blue Green then Red Blue eventually settling on R.O.Y.G.B.I.V.. Under these various names, it lasted for another 1,800 half hour episodes, none of which made it to air, though some of the unaired episodes are available on Beta from the CBC.
^ Did I mention Cod, b'y?
^ This belief of being the cultural and economic center is despite the fact that only 90% of Canadian television/film/radio programming is made in Toronto and 70% of Canada's wealth is there. The other 10% of tv/film/radio programming is made by naughty, naughty Canadians during the long cold winter nights and slightly shorter cold summer nights. The remaining 30% of Canada's wealth is used to the buy the filth that those naughty Canadians make during the aformentioned nights.
^ Did we mention that it's cold?
^ Of course, if you did need to know more the experts at Uncyclopedia would tell you that the parts at the very leftest, Vancouver Island and the Juan De Fuca islands (Juan De Fuca being Spanish for weed) are wicked awesome with pot and stoned, hospitable people, as evidenced by their common greeting: "Smoke this!". These islands are man-made and were original built on top of the Pacific Ocean to attract the few American tourists that were tired of visiting places with sunny weather. When they (the tourists, not the islands) proved to be broke, they were collected using Sea King helicopters and shipped to the islands to facilitate pot production. Now growing pot is the largest industry in the leftest province, which is commonly referred to as BeeCee. Pot from there is called B.C. bud. No one knows why this is.
^ As per United Nations regulations set forth in 1876, political maps of the world must show Canada in pink. Note that physical maps are not held to this, as it is their politics, not the snow, that are pink.
^ Currently the posts for "Member of Cabinet for West Edmonton Mall (North)" and "Minister in Charge of Picking Up After Yourself" are vacant. Applicants can send resumes to the "Canadian Department of Canadian Government Jobs and Snowshoes Canada". No fatties.
^ Canadian money has a picture of Queen Elizabeth II, who is actually Queen of some other country, not Canada. This only applies to the back, as the front is resplendent with animals such as the loon, beaver, moose, kids playing hockey, or long gone national symbols such as the Bluenose, Anne of Green Gerbils and various dead white guys.
^ This joke is funnier when spoken: it loses the pun when writ. Of course, as it's a pun, it's not all that funny even when spoken: like most plays-on-words it's less "funny-ha ha" and more "funny-sheesh!"
^ Canadians have no words for tits/boobs/knockers. Instead the CDGPC (Canadian Department of Girly Parts of Canada) has dubbed them "upper girly parts". There are, however, more than one hundred Canadian words for "vagina" which, with the exception of "beaver", are all far too filthy to print here.
^ The Canadian Parliament of Canada is not related to "George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic" which is far too cool for Canada.
^ We didn't make that one up. Sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
^ Due to the Golden Horseshoe Preservation Act of 2005, Toronto is no longer to be classified as anything other than a state of mind. Also, Statistics Canada defines a "major city" as any village with an NHL team or, failing that, any village that once had an NHL team but lost it to a bigger, richer city in the southern USA where, oddly, they don't "get" hockey at all.
^ Statistics Canada defines a "small city" as any village that wants an NHL team or, failing that, any village that had an NHL team, but lost it when the town's Zamboni broke.