Canadian military

Canadian Forces Le Canadiane Poutine
The tri-service badge
Military Manpower
Availability (males age 50+)	73 (2004 est.)
Fit for military service (males age 11-49)	62 people (2004 est.)
(2004)	approx. 7
Primary Reserve (including Rangers) (2004)	approx. 10
Military expenditures
(FY07/08) CAN$10.0 (roughly $10.26 American)
Percent of GDP (FY03/04)	0.0001% (128th in 2004)
Military strength
Maritime Command
Fleet Subs	1 super subway sandwich
Destroyers	5 with no operators
Frigates	0
Ships not working	practicaly all of them.
Operational Support Ships	3
Land Force Command
Main Battle Tank	1 Leopard 2A5 1 Leopard C2
compact prototype armor	2
Infantry fighting vehicles	2
Armoured Personnel Carriers	3,400
Royal Canadian Assault Cavalry	9,001
Hockey Players	only the best
Air Command
Fighter	1
Patrol	589,737,663
Transport	142,552
Lazer Helicopters	32,452,455
laser attack Geese	60,065,567
Unmanned	3(used 2 already)

“Where?”

~ Waldo on the Canadian Military

The Canadian Forces (French: La Poutine canadienne) are the combined armed forces of Canada. They consist of the Army, Navy, Air Force, and a beaver.

Current State

Navy

An artist's impression of what Canadian Navy looks like

The Canadian military is the proud owner of the one and only wooden canoe navy. Each one can also work as a sub if the operator puts holes in it on the day of use. The "HMCS Undestroyable", and the "HMCS Oh Crap We're a Sub Now" are oufitted with only the highest quality weapons Canada can buy for its army: Beer! Canadian Attack Plan 547/J states that the attacking forces should throw as much beer at the other ship as possible. This will either sink it or inspire pity in the opposing forces as the canoe speeds away. The Canadians are planning to include state of the art bottle rockets which may take years to implement.

The formation of the Canadian navy began when Canada finally got the point that most other navies around the world actually had boats in them. Parliament hired some of the country's most skilled workers and began working on 2 new Super Rafts fitted with bows and arrows on the sides (in the event they happen to spot a whale) and christened them the SS. EH? and the SS OI?

Air Force

In comparison to the Navy, the Canadian Air force has most others topped. The Canadian military does not have any planes. It uses RC (remote controlled) helicopters and planes. This reduces the chance of having their only air force pilot killed, he's probably drunk anyway. Canada uses the first complete drone air force, envied by all nations of the world. At least all the teenage ones.

The air force helicopter squadron was bought in a yard sale following WW2. They are a canadian pride and are well know to crash or catch on fire for no reason.

It is also worth noting that the Canadian Air Force owns and operates 40 flying squirrels, and is lent a giant flying beer operated robot by the Japanese as collateral for housing half of the Japanese population in Vancouver.

One of Canada's new hi tech state of the art nuclear destroyer submarines on manoeuvers in the South Atlantic.

Army

Canada's army mainly consists of angry Frenchman on mooses who have been deprived of poutine and other foods. These frenchman are stored in cages and fed a British soldier once every few days. When they are needed, they are armed with the finest plastic knives and fork the army can afford and the cages are dropped into the battlefield via UPS or Fedex.

It should be noted that the secret elite attack squad stationed in Gagetown NB (Known as the OPS or Operational PMSing Sisters) serves to protect the entire country, but for only 4 or 5 days a month. They are bloody good though! They consist mostly of 300+lb women from the east coast who have husbands working at the brewery, and are bored with beating the guys around between bingo nights. The OPS occasionally train with other NATO forces, but only after strapping a tampon to thier helmet as a warning to male troops to just not go there without additional armour. The most notable battle involving the OPS was the battle of the bulge. Two glances at the line of them advancing reduced all bulges in the pants of the entire squardon of soviet troops, later refered to as Russian Droops, to the equivalent of a platoon of japanese men with thier crotches stacked on ice. Canada's best showing since 1812.

The purpose of the Canadian Army itself is surrounded by confusion. Canada is surrounded to the north, east, and west by water and large bears. Its only option is to attack to the south, but the yanks are there. The US is not, as many believe, planning to invade Canada any time soon. Please keep repeating this to everyone you know. Thank you.

Should Canada get invaded, there are specific defense plans: everyone gets into the [fish]tanks, then heads to Hans Island to defeat the Danish. It is assumed that a war would be over this island between Nunavut and Greenland, because if it were anything else, there would be no point in drawing plans that would inevitably fail anyway.

Compared to their US counterparts, you can safely say that the Canadian military needs improvement. Time to quit with protecting our maple syrup trees, and start fighting the people who bomb countries. Enough with friendly Canadians, we will kick ***.

Beaver

The most prominent and well understood branch of the Canadian military is the beaver.

There used to be two beavers but one, Brig. Gen. Simon Poutine, was forced into retirement in a highly controversial decision during the Cutbacks of 1994 (see below). Brig. Gen. Poutine, a descendant of PM Poutine, was the most decorated member of the Canadian military and most well known for his role during the Battle of the Frie. Following his death on Feb. 29, 2003, he was honored with a military funeral, though many critics believe this was simply to appease the public after the controversial retirement.

Cutbacks

Beginning in 1994, Canada's military went through a "decade of darkness" due to government attempts to balance the federal budget. That is, they got a special rate on blind soldiers. This led to concerns that the troops would have difficulty steering the tank. The government's rationale was that cutbacks had only left the army with treads and a steering wheel, so it wouldn't make much difference anyway.

Recruiting Process

The Canadian Military recruits persons of all race, religion, nationality, how many people they have beaten, and sexuality. As being manly is required to complete basic training, women, androgynous men, and mathematicians will have their applications rejected immediately. This also applies to the Quebecois.

Upon joining The Canadian Military, a new recruit will be required to complete Basic Training. Basic training consists of instruction, physical training, and manly activities.

Instruction

Before beginning basic training, a recruit will be given a choice to specialize in one of a wealthy list of military subjects:

• Beaver Taming
• Weapons Training (How to correctly wield a hockey stick)
• Weapons Training (How to shoot a deadly hockey puck or Timbit)
• Must learn to build a bomb shelter (igloo) in less than 3 minutes.
• Must learn to skate on all forms of terrain.
• Battle Canoe navigating.
• Camouflage Techniques (How to blend into the wilderness while wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs Jersey).
• Chemical and Biological weapons production (Using gas from moose farts and people who drank too much Molson's)
• Apologizing

Physical Training

Physical Training consists of a lot of walking, treading water, and push ups. Recruits of the Air division are required to complete four times as many push ups, because they need the strength of their arms to flap their plywood wings which are ducttaped to them, which makes up the strategic bombing division of the division (though there's only one pilot who went trough this (and he did it drunk too)). Strategic Bombing Crafts are essentially made up of, Ted, who releases pipe bombs that he holds with his feet while flapping his wings and drops it when he sees something that doesn't look like a Tim Horton's.

The Canadian Military encourages the use of variations of dodgeball for its divisional training. The most popular variation emulates the epic methods used during the War of 1812 to set the White House on fire. One recruit, commonly known as the 'falafel' ('wanker' in British variations), is pelted for hours. The rash caused by the pelting will eventually swell and catch fire. The falafel then has approximately seven seconds to run into the opposing team's side and induce mayhem. Generally, the falafel has rough skin to provide optimal friction.

The Canadian Special Force is a specialized unit trained in the arts of warfare. Their highly classified training consists of catapult training, snow exercises and beaver. Catapult training consists mainly of launching fellow members at a high velocity towards enemies. Snow exercises are the most rigorously using training method. Since there are no ways out of the iceberg that is Canada besides for the ice flow, they believe the whole world to be snow covered. They spend hours having snowball fights and making snow angel distractions. The beaver, the Special Forces most prized weapon is capable of taking down a tree and building a dam. All members of the Special Forces must make a unique dam with their beaver to become a member of this super classified group.

Manly Activities

The manly activities in which Canadian Military troops take part provide them with smooth skin and prepare them for the epic fertilization of their wives. Manly activities takes will take up to 7 hours of a recruit's day, and generally consists of flexing, stretching, arm-wrestling, measuring, complimenting, comparing, stretching, flexing and in rare cases, hand-shaking.

Peacekeeping

Canada has traditionally had a good reputation for its role in international peacekeeping missions. For example, even though it only had one soldier at the time (the other four having been killed in the Korean War), he was able to facilitate an end to the Suez Crisis. Lester said, "So, like, what's the matter with you, Egypt? You're pissed about the canel, eh? ...so, England, what's your problem? Get your imperialist asses out of the Suez, you hosers!" England backed off; and the Canadian Military personnel received the Nobel Peace Prize, which Lester proudly had framed and sent to the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Canadians also had success preventing genocide in Rwanda. This time it was Canada's general Romeo who resolved the crisis. He said, "look folks, killing is wrong. And genocide is even worse. You could focus instead on love. Like I do with my girlfriend Juliet back in Montreal. She's a total babe, eh?" The Rwandans had to agree that making love to total babes was better than killing them, so they started shooting sperm instead of bullets.

Typically Canada's peace keeping motto is "Fuck dat, come 'ave anudder beer ya dork". This attitude has solved many conflicts around the globe (but failed somewhat in Korea after they discovered all the beer was warm schooner and labatt 50.

NATO and NORAD

Canada is a member of the Newly Attacked Territory Occupiers and NO RADiation alliances. Canada supported NATO's role in the nation formerly known as Yugoslavia, and even participated in NATO'S involvement in Afghanistan. NORAD is the pacifist branch of the military, which organizes peace protests against itself, in hopes to prevent nuclear attacks. It is a kind of early-warning system: if the armed forces begins to notice a lot of peace activists demonstrating, it knows that there must be a war not too far away.

Afghanistan

Canadians have proudly taken on a dangerous role in the marijuana war against Afghanistan. They are responsible for defending the intersection of Helmand and Pashto.

Currently Mcpl Jacques and the other Bob are on a tour of duty while the others defend Canada's coasts (one each). In Kandahar, Mcpl Jacques defends Helmand and Pashto's northwest corner and the other Bob defends its southeast corner. Periodically they rotate in order to cover the southwest and northeast corners as well (though they prefer to avoid the southwest corner, which is occupied by a barber shop with a nasty barber - who in turn claims they are occupying his corner). The Canadians are very professional. differing from the USAers (see backwards politics, southern idiots)

Canadian Military History

Canadian martial tradition was founded during the war of 1812, which saw the United States invade, get soundly thrashed, and sue for peace when the Brits had finished wiping the floor with Napoleon. The security detail around the US Capital, to this day, is wary of Canadian tourists with matches.

It is also notable that Canada has yet to loose a major or even semi-serious armed conflict. This despite being a colony of a country holding the longest standing record in world history for loosing battles, other than the French and the Staters.

The Canadian military was established in 1941, as a response to the Second World War, by the King of Canada, Scott the Dick. He asked what the Janitors of the Presidential Palace were doing that night and if they'd be interested in making some money.

Weapons

Canadians realize that guns are completely useless to them. since there are only 5 soldiers in the military they decided to use hockey sticks and hockey pucks as their weapons. Even though Bob is Canada's best soldier in the military he has not killed anyone so far. HOWEVER it has been reported he slashed an American Soldier with a hockey stick 4 times leaving him with 2 bruises on his left leg. It is worth noting that he only received a 2-minute minor for the slashes.

The Canadian army is now the proud owner of a 6 year old sockeye salmon (caught by the famous Red Green) which was fished out of a sewer. this weapon if launched towards enemy would clear out the whole area. unfortunately this is one-use weapon.

Every Canadian is equipped with a personal notebook where the soldier can write their complaints towards who ever might be listening (Sadly, no one really cares) about the harshness of the battle field. there is reported average about 400,000 notebooks worth of complaints for each Canadian soldiers early in their deployment, however this information was collected during peacetime.

Purported Weapons of Mass Destruction

Many conspiracy theories have come to light recently of Canada's inherent evil. White scientists are still in debate over the idea that there is an army of tripods underneath the ice fields of Canada, numbering in the tens of thousands. Also that Canada's apparent kindness and weakness are but a plot for the world to lower it's guard before the genocide begins. Possibly because they are actually a race of alien lifeforms preparing to wipe out humanity. If such a takeover were to occur, it is expected that the "Canadians" would force us to drink their beer brands and force all the world's signs to be in both English and French. Despite this drama it would be expected to be a very Canadian world and therefore inherently boring.

If Canada were to be invaded...

As a result of semi-intelligent Frenchmen migrating from France to Quebec, it is believed by tacticians that the province of Quebec will put up little, but some, resistance to their new overlords. As for Toronto, Montreal, Vacnouver, and the other Canadian provinces, victory would achieved against the natives by simply charging throughout the countryside on a zamboni, particularly in Sasketchewan, as predicted by "Weird" Al Yankovic. But of course that does not work.

However, it is worth mentioning that America did once try to invade Canada and failed pathetically, chased away by angry farmers who then burnt down their Not-Any-Colour-At-All House. And it felt good. Sadly this for the Canadians, that this was in fact a simulation set up by the British in order to think whether or not they should keep the snowball chucking province, they failed miserably after they chose to write a letter to the Germans rather than confront them.

Optimal invasion times are during games 4, 5, 6 or 7 of the Stanley Cup finals, even if no Canadian teams are playing. If, however, the New York Rangers are playing a Canadian team and win, then may God have mercy on their souls.